Likes to be hit during sex

LegacyUser

I would like to get peoples views on this as it is troubling me a little and I need an outside persprective.Thanks in advance for reading.
Myself and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years , mid thirties, both with our own places, deeply in love blah blah blah. All is pretty much good and normal but sometimes , she likes me to hit her during sex.
It has always been the way that she sometimes likes it rough in bed. not always, say...I dunno, 75% of the time.It started out with her asking me to bite her during foreplay which was fair enough, but it was obvious that it was the pain aspect of it she liked. I found it fairly difficult to do at first because I supppose it goes against ones nature to hurt the one you love.But we talked about it and she said she liked the pain so bit by bit I managed to give her what she liked.
Then it was pulling her hair while we had sex in certain positions and also pinching the inside of her thighs, hard enough to leave bruises! All of this was hard for me to do at first but she assured me she liked it and it was fairly evident from her reactions that she did.
Now, it has progressed to me choking her , or else slapping her across the face while she is on top and calling her names, eg slut, dirty bitch ect. She will say "hit me" and my first slap is never hard enough so she will just keep saying "harder". It obviously does something for her as she usually has 3 or four orgasms during this.
The slapping has only started recently and she says they are the best orgasms she's ever had. She can't explain to me why she likes it, just that she does.We are both consenting adults and I know there is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex. I suppose,I am a little worried as it seems as if she likes to be abused , the name calling ect. and now we've progressed onto the slapping across the face. I'm just wondering does anyone else have any experience of this aspect of sex, basically looking for your opinions or thoughts. Please be respectful as i really love this girl and have a great relatiuonship with her.

LolaLuv

I like rough sex myself, similar to what you've described, so I've thought a lot about it. I think in my case it helps me to avoid real emotional intimacy with a guy, because things are so dirty that there's no call for vulnerability. Do you ever have sweet sex (ie make love)? If so, I doubt you have anything to worry about except actually physically hurting her.

LegacyUser

Hi friend. I once was with a girl (we broke up amicably and are actually close friends now) who wanted me to get pretty rough with her. She was only the second girl I was ever with, I was her... I'm not sure of the exact number but it was well over 20. At first things were all lovey dovey and gentle. As I grew more confident, she got more physical. And then she asked me to do things that were similar to what your girlfriend is asking. Obviously, I was not only concerned, but also embarrassed. I'm not a violent guy, so doing the things she asked to her, and we were deeply in love, went against my nature.
I explained my discomfort with what she was asking and she said that it was just to intensify things for her and if I was really uncomfortable, we could take it very slowly. Gradually, I... I wouldn't say I got used to it, but I got to the point where I knew where the line was between giving her what she wanted and not using too much force.
I know it feels very strange, but it's just something different. With a little patience from her, you should be able to get to the point where you can please her without compromising your own integrity. You may even get to like it! Don't worry though, it's quite common (or so I was assured) and nothing too unhealthy.

MagicMarker

Hmmm, I think that's just slightly one step above rough sex:)

OP, when you hit her, exactly how hard are we talking here? Are we talking first episode Californication hitting? (good show, check it out!)

I dunno, regardless of what it is you're doing, both parties have to be comfortable doing it. That's why, even if a girlfriend of mine liked the idea of skewering me with a 12 inch dildo, I'd have to politely refuse. Like wise if I liked that sort of thing, but she didn't, I wouldn't want her to do it if she felt uncomfortable doing so.

LegacyUser

Yeah, we have "sweet sex" as you call it too, and we are very close and open with each other.I can see what you mean about making it so dirty that there is no closeness but it's not that.From our chats on the subject, it's the sensation of pain that makes her orgasms better.
On average, she will come about 3 times during sex, always with her on top. She doesn't "need" the rouigh stuff to come apparently, but when she wants it, it makes her come harder.I mean we both smile at the intensity of it when it subsides and we continue on. And if I ever hit her in an argument or something, she would be gone, and rightly so. I'm basically a little worried about WHY she likes this kind of ...I dunno how to describe it, domination or humiliation.
When I want a blow job during foreplay for instance, if she's in THAT particular mood, she prefers me to roughly push her head down in that direction and tell her to " suck my c**k you bitch" . She likes loads of abusive language too while we're doing it.
Other times, she's real sweet and loving, and if I tried the rough stuff, she wouldn't be too happy, as she is a very strong willed person and doesn't take any **** from anyone.
It's just I found the slapping of the face quite hard to do.I'm not shocked by anything in sex really as i've been around and am totally open minded.I'm just worried if there might any negative psycholigical aspects to this for her.

LegacyUser

Btw, thanks to you all, for taking the time to answer. Magic, the force of the slap across the face, to my mind, is hard enough.... but it doean't leave a mark or anything like that.It just feels a bit alien to be slapping the head off the one you're in love with, if you know what i mean. The more i do it,as with the other things she asked for, the more I'll get used to it i suppose.I am just questioning if her desire for this kind of treatment during sex, is healthy or not. I suppose, thats a difficult question to answer.I posted here just to get other peoples thoughts and experiences of this matter so i could make a more educated appraisal of the situation.

FX Meister

Tell her how you feel about it, not us. I like it rough every now and then but not all the time. It's not healthy.

von Neumann

And now for the science bit....

My understanding is that the pleasure and pain centres in the brain are very close together, and that causing pain will simulate the pleasure centre as well for some people.
(please somebody correct me if I'm wrong)

Maybe she is just enjoying the physical responce in her brain rather than getting any emotion pleasure out of being hit.

On a positive note it shows she really trusts you and is not afraid to relax. so it probably bodes well for your relationship.

pookie82

Anoni Mouse wrote: »

When I want a blow job during foreplay for instance, if she's in THAT particular mood, she prefers me to roughly push her head down in that direction and tell her to " suck my c**k you bitch" . She likes loads of abusive language too while we're doing it.
Other times, she's real sweet and loving, and if I tried the rough stuff, she wouldn't be too happy, as she is a very strong willed person and doesn't take any **** from anyone.
I.

Maye this is your answer? She's normally strong willed and dominant in everyday life. Perhaps a role reversal in the bedroom with someone she trusts and with whom she knows she can be vulnerable with turns her on? I really don't see a problem with it unless she starts demanding you hit her with a force that leaves bruises or starts asking for really risque and threatening stuff. Did you mention she likes strangulation? Because that's potentially dangerous and is where I would draw the line.

Wibbs

FX Meister wrote: »

Tell her how you feel about it, not us. I like it rough every now and then but not all the time. It's not healthy.

"healthy" is very much an individual thing though. Clearly with some caveats of course. If they have loving sex too, then I really don't see the issue. OK if it was a casual sex thing and like Pillypen said she may do this to emotionally distance herself from feelings then OK you may want to step back and think what's what. Even then it could simply be a phase or a phase of emotional self protection. Doesn't sound like that in this case though. I would even say like von Neumann that she trusts you so completely that she can feel safe in letting go, simply because she knows you won't hurt her.

FX Meister

Wibbs wrote: »

"healthy" is very much an individual thing though. Clearly with some caveats of course. If they have loving sex too, then I really don't see the issue. OK if it was a casual sex thing and like Pillypen said she may do this to emotionally distance herself from feelings then OK you may want to step back and think what's what. Even then it could simply be a phase or a phase of emotional self protection. Doesn't sound like that in this case though. I would even say like von Neumann that she trusts you so completely that she can feel safe in letting go, simply because she knows you won't hurt her.

You seem to have agreed with me in part of your post. As for healthy being an individual thing I don't agree. Plenty of people think their behaviour is healthy when in fact it isn't.

spurious

Trust and being trusted are such turn ons, as are surrendering and exposing yourself completely.

Not things to be done with randomers, of course.

If you're uncomfortable with it though, tell her. It's not much fun if both partners aren't into it, or one is just 'going along'.

LolaLuv

FX Meister wrote: »

You seem to have agreed with me in part of your post. As for healthy being an individual thing I don't agree. Plenty of people think their behaviour is healthy when in fact it isn't.

Would you mind explaining what's unhealthy about it? I'm genuinely curious. Seems like OP has a freak on his hands which isn't a bad thing, imo, as long as she's willing to open up to him emotionally and both partners respect each other. I just don't see what's wrong with liking especially dirty sex sometimes.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and opinions people. It has helped me a lot with this. I just really wanted to see how unusual it was and if it was "ok" .We are extremely open and honest with each other and emotionally we are incredibly close so there are no issues there. She is quite shy about certain things like her bod for example, even though it's killer, and it took me quite a while just to get a a view of it, albeit by candlelight ! Spurious seems to have hit the nail on the head with the trust thing, slowly but surely she has opened up to me and indeed Pilly, she is quite a freak in the bedroom as it turns out...... much to my joy. The choking thing she likes , is just a mild but firm pressure on her throat (i only need to use one hand) so that breathing becomes slightly more difficult for her. We have talked about it, she knows I find it slightly difficult to hurt her as it goes against my nature, but as long as i know she likes it, I don't mind.I just had a few doubts and needed somewhere to air them.
Fx Meister, you could have saved yourself the trouble if you'd read my first post properly, as i stated there that we had talked about it.
Thanks to you all for your replies, much appreciated, I can now put this minor worry away and continue to enjoy my relationship to my wonderful, sexy, freaky GF. Thanks.
The Mouse of Pain :-)

LegacyUser

Enjoy it. I wouldn't think too much about it, sex should be fun first and foremost. Most girls I've been with like it a bit rough to a certain extent. The hugging and kissing and cuddling can come afterwards. Just be happy you can give her what she wants.

FX Meister

PillyPen wrote: »

Would you mind explaining what's unhealthy about it? I'm genuinely curious. Seems like OP has a freak on his hands which isn't a bad thing, imo, as long as she's willing to open up to him emotionally and both partners respect each other. I just don't see what's wrong with liking especially dirty sex sometimes.

Just read my post properly and I won't have to explain it to you. If it's still not clear then read your's again and explain it to yourself.

metrovelvet

There could be any number of things behind it,what has been mentioned alreaady, but also some if not a lot of women have guilt around feeling good and their sexuality, and the violence or punishment, takes the sting out feeling bad if you get me. Or they like the domination because there is an abdication of power and responsibility? Also, does she picture you or a stranger? It would be worth knowing what images she is projecting during this.

You need to make sure things dont get out of hand and there is a need to increase the pain over time and that no marks are left so you cant be vulnerable to abuse charges at some later stage.

Overheal

http://www.spiletta.com/klingon.html

Metro mentions something I had on my mind about the bruises - god forbid the relationship ends up in a bad way what assurance does (any guy) have against her going to the police and showing off the bites and bruises as sexual assault?

wasper

Anoni mouse wrote: »

I would like to get peoples views on this as it is troubling me a little and I need an outside persprective.Thanks in advance for reading.
Myself and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years , mid thirties, both with our own places, deeply in love blah blah blah. All is pretty much good and normal but sometimes , she likes me to hit her during sex.
It has always been the way that she sometimes likes it rough in bed. not always, say...I dunno, 75% of the time.It started out with her asking me to bite her during foreplay which was fair enough, but it was obvious that it was the pain aspect of it she liked. I found it fairly difficult to do at first because I supppose it goes against ones nature to hurt the one you love.But we talked about it and she said she liked the pain so bit by bit I managed to give her what she liked.
Then it was pulling her hair while we had sex in certain positions and also pinching the inside of her thighs, hard enough to leave bruises! All of this was hard for me to do at first but she assured me she liked it and it was fairly evident from her reactions that she did.
Now, it has progressed to me choking her , or else slapping her across the face while she is on top and calling her names, eg slut, dirty bitch ect. She will say "hit me" and my first slap is never hard enough so she will just keep saying "harder". It obviously does something for her as she usually has 3 or four orgasms during this.
The slapping has only started recently and she says they are the best orgasms she's ever had. She can't explain to me why she likes it, just that she does.We are both consenting adults and I know there is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex. I suppose,I am a little worried as it seems as if she likes to be abused , the name calling ect. and now we've progressed onto the slapping across the face. I'm just wondering does anyone else have any experience of this aspect of sex, basically looking for your opinions or thoughts. Please be respectful as i really love this girl and have a great relatiuonship with her.

Did it ever occur to you that if you were to fall out with this girl, the bruises on her thighs & other physical marks could be used against you as being a violent person. Just a thought.

Nevyn

There is a mental and emotional impact on you both aside from the physical act of hitting and being hit and that is something you need to figure out, for yourself and as a couple.

What is painful for some people is intense sensation for others, people differ and as long as it is consensual and you are aware of all the risks, physical, mental and emotional and find the safe limits then really it is between you and your partner. Esp as some time words/names can be as bad as if not worse then in terms of repercussion.

The thing is you seem fine in the moment and then have misgivings afterwards.
How much talking about all of this have you done as a couple ?
Do you use a 'safe word' ?
Do you stop if things are making you feel uncomfortable ?
Both physical and verbal ?

I would suggest you do some reading and research on the topic:
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon is a pretty good book to start with.

I would be concerned about the breath restriction play as that can be dangerous,
esp if you don't have a lot of experience or anatomical knowledge.

Yes both the reviling with 'abusive' terms and blows about the head and face can been seen as very damaging to a person but it depends on that context. Often things which are taboo become things which can turn a person on, but there is a big difference between those terms being used an agreed ( ie you have to agree to it as much as she does ) consensual context between partners and a random stranger or some one attacking a person.

I do think it is a good idea that you are questioning and looking to understand and set limits if needs be for your own good, her good and the good of your relationship.
There are also online resources.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safe,_sane_and_consensual
[nsfw]http://www.londonfetishscene.com/wipi/index.php/Main_Page
[nsfw]http://www.londonfetishscene.com/wipi/index.php/Breath_control:_Safety
[nsfw]http://www.bdsmireland.org/

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would be concerned about the breath restriction play as that can be dangerous,
esp if you don't have a lot of experience or anatomical knowledge.

There was a famous case when I was in high school. A young woman from one of the private schools in the area was choked and killed with her underwear. The young man in question was charged with murder but everyone who was there and who knew them knew it was rough sex gone wrong. The media did not pick up on this for various political reasons which I wont mention and arent really relevant here. Im sure this is far more dramatic than what OP is talking about, but I doubt the couple were aware of what they were doing and I note it as a cautionary tale.

LegacyUser

von Neumann wrote: »

And now for the science bit....

My understanding is that the pleasure and pain centres in the brain are very close together, and that causing pain will simulate the pleasure centre as well for some people.
(please somebody correct me if I'm wrong)

Maybe she is just enjoying the physical responce in her brain rather than getting any emotion pleasure out of being hit.

On a positive note it shows she really trusts you and is not afraid to relax. so it probably bodes well for your relationship.

No, it's that pain will cause the release of adrenaline and histamines which enduces euphoria. And you say "Maybe she is just enjoying the physical responce in her brain rather than getting any emotion pleasure out of being hit.", but there's no clear scientific distinction between emotion and the physical state of the brain.

Missy75

You know,based on your description of your GF´s character "...she´s a very strong willed person and doesn´t take any **** from anyone.",I´d say,your GF and me are pretty much alike...
I thought about it a lot and I think the main reason for me,for liking it hard and rough in the bedroom (not all the time but every now and then) is that basically I want to give away the power,I use to have in my daily life just once in a while...
It can be sooo relieving for a self confident,indepentend modern woman to be "the victim" in a safe environment with someone I totally trust every now and then! It absolutely turns me on,in a "sick-romantic" way:cool:
As long as the both of you are ok with it,there´s nothing wrong about it at all!

pseudonym1

If she is completely sex crazed might be somewhat concerned but sounds like a loving open and very honest realationship.
Its a control/power thing. She trusts you enough to allow this happen- it probably wont go on forever.
I wouldnt be the least bit concerned that the slaps bruises be used against you - no more than getting knocked down crossing the road!

Peewee_lane

Tread carefully, the wrong move will almost always look bad on your part.

Explain to her how you dont want to hurt her and want to enjoy making love to her body.

I can stress how careful you have to be with this one, a few drinks on you both one night and in the sack could turn fierce nasty.

Just be careful....

goodcitizen

Anoni Mouse wrote: »

Yeah, we have "sweet sex" as you call it too, and we are very close and open with each other.I can see what you mean about making it so dirty that there is no closeness but it's not that.From our chats on the subject, it's the sensation of pain that makes her orgasms better.
On average, she will come about 3 times during sex, always with her on top. She doesn't "need" the rouigh stuff to come apparently, but when she wants it, it makes her come harder.I mean we both smile at the intensity of it when it subsides and we continue on. And if I ever hit her in an argument or something, she would be gone, and rightly so. I'm basically a little worried about WHY she likes this kind of ...I dunno how to describe it, domination or humiliation.
When I want a blow job during foreplay for instance, if she's in THAT particular mood, she prefers me to roughly push her head down in that direction and tell her to " suck my c**k you bitch" . She likes loads of abusive language too while we're doing it.
Other times, she's real sweet and loving, and if I tried the rough stuff, she wouldn't be too happy, as she is a very strong willed person and doesn't take any **** from anyone.
It's just I found the slapping of the face quite hard to do.I'm not shocked by anything in sex really as i've been around and am totally open minded.I'm just worried if there might any negative psycholigical aspects to this for her.

You should try wearing gimp masks as well

Wibbs

goodcitizen cop on. Read the charter. Infracted.

LegacyUser

No guys, no danger of her going to the cops if we split up or anything. We're safe as houses on most scores and those we're not, we are working upon together.

Missy75, I think you're on the money there with that one , but it's combined with an enjoyment of the sensation of moderate pain. My problem was, that slapping your woman in the face for any reason is difficult I mean i can remember how it felt as my hand collided with the side of her head, i could feel her bones ect and it just felt a bit wrong, even though she asked me to do it.

She likes being choked too and it took me a while to come around to that.But now, if I get the vibe from her, I have her like Homer grabs bart :-). She ususe the technique when she is close to coming, she says that sometimesd a woman can "lose" an orgasm, and this helps her aslong the way.

The slapping is the latest thing and we've only done it twice, but from what she said afterwards, and from what i saw... she came harder than I#ve ever see her come before.

I suppose it's just something I'll have to get used to.If it's too much for me, she's the best in the world and won't ask.But i think, if I know she likes it, then it won't be too difficult to give herwhat she wants.

somoen said to becareful when you're drinking but I myself don't drink, and i don't particularly like having sex with her, or anyone else when they are drunk.I'd rather do it with the person when they are totally themselves, and it's not the drink asking me to do things, they wouldn't normally go for.

Ok, thank you all for your advice and opinions.All is well, and i can keep on keeping on.Farewell.

bigpinkelephant

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would be concerned about the breath restriction play as that can be dangerous,
esp if you don't have a lot of experience or anatomical knowledge.

Michael Hutchence's death is allegedly testimony to this.

Abeyance

Just my 2 cents on the matter but it seems that its a gradual progression ?

People have different preferences and as has been said above the sensual "make love" sex is also there which shows a far more intimate side ..

The fact that she is asking you to do this for her in my opinion shows how much trust she has in you and her willingness to open up to her true desires with you ..

I would take it as a compliment and dont see any reason to worry about it ... enjoy it but always remember she has opened up to you in a physical way ... if your not comfortable with whats being asked of you then tell her ...

A relationship built on a solid platform of love and trust will only get stronger ...

I wish you both many happy years together ^^

layke

I have a fewmates in the BDSM scene. Funny really, when you travel about the world a fair bit you realize that people like this are everywhere.

It's not uncommon at all really. Just go with it and have a laugh

Snowie

hey op ive got a few suggestions, my experence with sex is prettty similar as regarding the choking pulling hiar etc, It made me feel prety od at the start, but after a while its a weird term for me to say but not get used to but I think thats the only term I can say and I found and I felt quite guilty about it because well its an act of violance and I felt abusive which im anything not Im a pretty gentle person....

I explained this to the girl and again she put my mind at ease...
But ya see ive allways had a thing for pain to not that I understand why but It can be quite pleasuarble...

Insted of doing what she wanted we went down a differnet road, I tired hot candel wax, she loved the suprise the sensation and i was pretty gob smacked bye how well it worked. So mayeb try bouncing things around a little insted of keeping the same idea all the time as that may bring her side down on say the slapiing, then theres a fly swot, and the other things tired where feather's all different sensations but had desired effects. and if things get to much tone it down maybe not allow her that kind of treat ment every time, once a month or something that means its new and fresh which means it may not lead to more brutaler things happening..

But just wanted to say your not the only one..... Pretty decent of you to shows you really care man fare play......

LegacyUser

I had a girlfriend like this, stunning, smart, professional, loving. But this really turned her on, and it turned me on too. You definetly get to know where the line is. But if there is a line it can be wild to cross it every now and then It was maybe not as rough with us but I'd say things would have gotten rougher if we were together longer. Every now and again Id give an almighty slap on the arse and it would drive her absolutely wild. Especially on top. She would have at least 3 or 4 orgasms, one day it was 5 or 6. When it was lovey dovey stuff 2 at most. Mental stuff. Loved it altogether. But I'd hate to do lovey dovey sex more than 50% if you get me, maybe when im old and likely to pull a muscle! And with my current girlfriend she's really getting in to it, so, lucky me 8)

LegacyUser

Had this before aswell. I was seeing a girl- intelligent, good looking, confident, career and all that but when we were in bed she was big into being dominated and humiliated. At first I was kind of into it cos it was different and kinky but after a while she kept cranking it up a level.

While it all sounds like exciting sex it starts to feel like the other person is having sex with the ritual and not you if you know what I mean- its like your more of a bystander/facilitator

When she wanted me to choke and spit on her while being filmed then it was game over for me

Lemming

Unregistered wrote: »

She likes being choked too and it took me a while to come around to that.But now, if I get the vibe from her, I have her like Homer grabs bart :-). She ususe the technique when she is close to coming, she says that sometimesd a woman can "lose" an orgasm, and this helps her aslong the way.

Breath-play, as it's also known as in the wonderful world of fetish, is not uncommon. Granted there are far more extreme levels of it (as with everything in life) than what it sounds like you're doing with your girlfriend, but I would echo Thaed's suggestion of doing a little more reading on the subject since it can (and evidently has before) go tragically wrong.

Welcome to a bigger, more colourful, and interesting world (and best of luck!)

not yet

I was seeing a girl a couple of years back who loved to pour candle wax over me,she also liked me to slap her extremly hard with my belt on her ass,she bit me everywhere,dug her nails into me,tied me up and all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I loved it at the time but I do agree that it's hard work to sustain this over a long period of time, if thats all they are into. I surpose the bottom line is give and take once both people are happy......fvcking great memories thou!!!

sunnyside

Missy75 wrote: »

basically I want to give away the power,I use to have in my daily life just once in a while...
!

pseudonym1 wrote: »

Its a control/power thing. She trusts you enough to allow this happen- !

But isn't that relevant to all sex, not just the rougher sex in this thread. Sex in general puts someone in a more vulnerable position than usual.

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would be concerned about the breath restriction play as that can be dangerous,
esp if you don't have a lot of experience or anatomical knowledge.

/

+1 I find that part of the OP's post worrying. It's dangerous and if things go a little bit further every time the people involved may not realise how dangerous it has become because what they are doing is only a tiny bit more than last time but they forget how far gone it is from where it started.

LegacyUser

To the best of my knowledge and, considerable experience (pause to check REALLY not logged in), the pleasure people derive from pain relates to the adrenaline and endorphins released by the experience.

But, scratch the surface, and this interests me:

PillyPen wrote: »

I think in my case it helps me to avoid real emotional intimacy with a guy, because things are so dirty that there's no call for vulnerability.

I have come to the conclusion that all fetishes are coping mechanisms largely related to circumventing emotional intimacy through the objectification of sexual and/or emotional release.

sunnyside wrote: »

But isn't that relevant to all sex, not just the rougher sex in this thread. Sex in general puts someone in a more vulnerable position than usual.

So, perhaps, when an individual needs to maintain a level of control to sustain their emotional defences, that cannot be overcome by normal sex and/or normal emotion to the point of vulnerability and disinhibition (required for true sexual and/or emotional release), a fetish, of some kind, becomes a full or partial surrogate for that release. That may be indispensible to some people?

Unregistered wrote: »

While it all sounds like exciting sex it starts to feel like the other person is having sex with the ritual and not you if you know what I mean- its like your more of a bystander/facilitator

The above struck me as a very significant factor in fetishes, in general, rather than in respect of the OP. (that sounds as healthy and fulfilling a relationship as anyone can expect to get to me)

It is far safer sexually and emotionally to surrender yourself to a ritual, rather than a person. A ritual can't hurt you. People become infinitely replaceable, in the sense that your release depends on the ritual not the person, and, taken to extremes (which it is, more often than you might think, and not just by guys), that means you can meet your need for sexual and/or emotional release with almost any partner, on any terms, who is prepared to perform your ritual for you.

So, on the face of it, you can't go wrong with a fetish. Easy access to unlimited supplies of sexual and/or emotional release with no risk - beyond the physical...

The only catch is that, unless your fetish is only a small part of who you are, or a "stop gap" along the way in your life, you are apt to end up surrounded by people who don't even see you, let alone know you, or want you, or care about you, because, scratch the surface and it is "all about the ritual" for them too.

Heavy stuff, but true...

Apart from which...I know it is fun (and I mean I *KNOW*), but, stay away from breath play please, or it could all become moot, in seconds, without warning...

...and you REALLY don't want that...do you?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend nipped me on the cheek last night when we were doing it, I dont know if he did it on purpose, but I loved it! I said nothing, neither did he.

He often asks me after sex "I didn't hurt you did I?" and I always say "no, of course not" because if he did I dont want him to know .....in case he might stop!

When he says this I dont know if he is hinting at me liking it and ramping it up, but I cant say anything in case its not! ho hum!!!

Plenty of times he'd be goin at it so hard, it would hurt a bit, but I really like that.

I don't say a word and neither does he.

lickirishallsor

Unregistered wrote: »

To the best of my knowledge and, considerable experience (pause to check REALLY not logged in), the pleasure people derive from pain relates to the adrenaline and endorphins released by the experience.

But, scratch the surface, and this interests me:



I have come to the conclusion that all fetishes are coping mechanisms largely related to circumventing emotional intimacy through the objectification of sexual and/or emotional release.



So, perhaps, when an individual needs to maintain a level of control to sustain their emotional defences, that cannot be overcome by normal sex and/or normal emotion to the point of vulnerability and disinhibition (required for true sexual and/or emotional release), a fetish, of some kind, becomes a full or partial surrogate for that release. That may be indispensible to some people?



The above struck me as a very significant factor in fetishes, in general, rather than in respect of the OP. (that sounds as healthy and fulfilling a relationship as anyone can expect to get to me)

It is far safer sexually and emotionally to surrender yourself to a ritual, rather than a person. A ritual can't hurt you. People become infinitely replaceable, in the sense that your release depends on the ritual not the person, and, taken to extremes (which it is, more often than you might think, and not just by guys), that means you can meet your need for sexual and/or emotional release with almost any partner, on any terms, who is prepared to perform your ritual for you.

So, on the face of it, you can't go wrong with a fetish. Easy access to unlimited supplies of sexual and/or emotional release with no risk - beyond the physical...

The only catch is that, unless your fetish is only a small part of who you are, or a "stop gap" along the way in your life, you are apt to end up surrounded by people who don't even see you, let alone know you, or want you, or care about you, because, scratch the surface and it is "all about the ritual" for them too.

Heavy stuff, but true...

Apart from which...I know it is fun (and I mean I *KNOW*), but, stay away from breath play please, or it could all become moot, in seconds, without warning...

...and you REALLY don't want that...do you?

An excellent post, explaining it like it is, complete with a common sense warning about how fine a line it is between pure fun and the obvious dangers.

uniqueusername

>>>>>>>I have come to the conclusion that all fetishes are coping mechanisms largely related to circumventing emotional intimacy through the objectification of sexual and/or emotional release. end quote.


i disagree with this opinion. in exploring my fetishes with my partner it has only served to increase our emotional intimacy, our levels of communication are beyond comparision to previous levels of communication with ex boyfriends. we talk so much about our feelings as the need to be completey honest when discussing how you feel about fetish is extremely important. we talk about our needs and desires and how we feel about making them reality, and ensuring both our needs are being met. i have never come close to this level of intimacy with anyone else, and i would dislike the idea of just using people to meet your fetish needs as much as i dislike the idea of simply having one night stands in order to just have sex. both are emotionally empty, and i doubt needs are being fulfilled properly.

as much as ive seen people in the fetish world play with each other simply to meet a fetish need, i feel thats the same as a casual one night stand. nothing can beat the intimacy that comes with acting out fetish fantasies with a partner that loves and respects you, and takes you to another world where only the two of you belong. no avoiding emotional intimacy there!!!! ive never felt as connected with another person as i do with my partner, and this is only amplified when acting on our fetishes. i believe fetish gives you tools and ideas to enjoy exploring your sexuality and it doesnt mean you have to get fixated on one element and only be able to come with that element in place, although im sure this can happen, it is not the case for everyone.

if more people stopped thinking of sex as dirty or something that really only men enjoy, and women stopped putting up with crap foreplay and crap sex where the man is really only interested in pleasing himself, the world would be a happier place!!! sex isnt so black and white, its a brilliant colour chart and needs exploring, with so many angles, and wonderful discoveries to be made,by both men and women, and a f... load of fun doing so!!!!

LegacyUser

I slap the s**t out of my fcuk buddy and she loved it. I say let loose man and pop her a few.

LegacyUser

uniqueusername wrote: »

>>>>>>>I have come to the conclusion that all fetishes are coping mechanisms largely related to circumventing emotional intimacy through the objectification of sexual and/or emotional release. end quote.


i disagree with this opinion. in exploring my fetishes with my partner it has only served to increase our emotional intimacy, our levels of communication are beyond comparision to previous levels of communication with ex boyfriends. we talk so much about our feelings as the need to be completey honest when discussing how you feel about fetish is extremely important. we talk about our needs and desires and how we feel about making them reality, and ensuring both our needs are being met. i have never come close to this level of intimacy with anyone else, and i would dislike the idea of just using people to meet your fetish needs as much as i dislike the idea of simply having one night stands in order to just have sex. both are emotionally empty, and i doubt needs are being fulfilled properly.

as much as ive seen people in the fetish world play with each other simply to meet a fetish need, i feel thats the same as a casual one night stand. nothing can beat the intimacy that comes with acting out fetish fantasies with a partner that loves and respects you, and takes you to another world where only the two of you belong. no avoiding emotional intimacy there!!!! ive never felt as connected with another person as i do with my partner, and this is only amplified when acting on our fetishes. i believe fetish gives you tools and ideas to enjoy exploring your sexuality and it doesnt mean you have to get fixated on one element and only be able to come with that element in place, although im sure this can happen, it is not the case for everyone.

if more people stopped thinking of sex as dirty or something that really only men enjoy, and women stopped putting up with crap foreplay and crap sex where the man is really only interested in pleasing himself, the world would be a happier place!!! sex isnt so black and white, its a brilliant colour chart and needs exploring, with so many angles, and wonderful discoveries to be made,by both men and women, and a f... load of fun doing so!!!!

What a brilliant post! Wanted to say exactly that but you put it better!
The kinks bring you closer I find!!!

I love the ritual of it, the anticipation, the way it makes us both feel, we can bring a satisfaction to each other that no one else can!

Its magic!