Should I have a baby

LegacyUser

ok so my husband to be wants to try for a baby at the end of the year (after wedding) but i have always said I dont want a baby EVER..

He always just thought I would change my mind but I never have and always make this clear to him, now its just months away from our wedding and I love his so much and know he loves me but what should i do..

Have a baby just to keep him?? he loved kids and so so good with them. So do I stick to my guns and say no kids and risk loosing him or just have a baby to keep him??

MagicMarker

The only reason you should ever have kids is if you WANT them!

It's not a puppy we're talking about here, it's a living, breathing, growing person that you will have to put first for at least 18 years of your life.

Overheal

Or about 12-15 years in the case of a puppy.

I can't imagine though what kind of mother you will be if you know you are only having a child because your fiancé wants one.

tolosenc

MagicMarker wrote: »

The only reason you should ever have kids is if you WANT them!

It's not a puppy we're talking about here, it's a living, breathing, growing person that you will have to put first for at least 18 years of your life.

Can't really put it better than that.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

iguana

I think you need to take some time out and think about what you really, really want. Sometimes we have a certain view for so long that our feelings can change without us being aware, the fact that you are considering changing your mind could be an indication of that.

You may find that you will find that while you never had any inclination to have a baby, you now would like to have his baby. You may decide that you feel as strongly about not having a child now as you did all your life. Either way you need to do a lot of soul searching in the near future and if you decide you absolutely never, ever will want a child you need to spell that out to your husband to be. Then you have to accept that he will have to take time to decide how he really feels about your future.

CDfm

thats the deal breaker.

if you dont want children he should accept that this will be a child free marriage.

if you want to maryy him then kids are part of the deal.

I think you both need to talk it out - and if both are resolute back out while you still can.

LegacyUser

How old are you OP?

I ended a long term relationship just over a year ago because it came to light that the guy I was with wanted marriage and kids, after I had made it very clear from very early on that I didn't. He reckoned he'd talk me around or be able to pressure me into it once we were married. Now, there were other issues about the relationship that weren't making me happy but that's for another thread - the baby thing was the main one.

He wasn't evil or anything, it was just tremendous naivete on his part.... I kinda feel bad for him for investing four years into something that didn't pan out the way he'd planned but that's what you get for assuming I guess.

Since breaking up, I've realised that I'm actually NOT 100% that I don't want to have kids - it's just that I didn't want to have them with him. I'm in my early 30's now, and while I have no urge to run out and start procreating - I can't say I don't get the warm fuzzies when I think about doing it with someone who's right for me... but they'd have to really be right for me. Given my age, that may or may not happen, no biggie.

The point is, when I was in my 20's it was a definate no-no, when I reached my 30's my view changed to 'maybe - but ONLY with the right person'.

LegacyUser

Op here

Thanks everyone for the advice

I am 28 and he is 29 so close in age.

Maybe I will change my mind about kids who can say but if I am to be honest with him now Id have to say its not in my future.

Also don't want him to think back in a few years and say I wasted his life....

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont want a baby EVER..

Question answered by the OP's use of caps......NO.

The question should be "Should I get married?" - at least that way it only affects 2 people who seem to want different things.

towel401

pushing it out will hurt

dudara

towel401

Consider yourself warned. Helpful posts only please.

dudara

Tom10

It sounds to me that your fiance doesn't believe you when you say you don't want kids. I mean the way he's talking it seems to me that he's thinking you'll grow out of this thinking of no kids, so the point comes down to, do you want kids and if the answer is still no you have to make sure he understands this.

To move past this fundamental question without all parties being made aware of the possible problem will just lead to ruin, no two ways about this point.

Oh and never have a kid you don't want completely, it will only result in future recriminations between ye

LegacyUser

I'd be inclined to think he's been a bit selfish, knowing that you made your position clear on the matter. Now the question is - how much of a deal breaker is it for him? If he won't back down either, you've got a stalemate, and somewhere down the line, whoever ends up backing down might resent the other one for forcing their hand.

Could he handle not having kids? Do you both feel you could afford a little more time to think about it? Maybe talk to other couples who have been in the same situation? Find out more about the nuts and bolts of actually bringing another person into the world - how it is likely to affect you etc. Although you might need help for that one, as no amount of reading up etc. will tell you how it would affect you two specifically, everyone is different.

If you actively spend time on the process of deciding, one or both of you may feel differently - or it could serve to confirm what you or he already feels. Have you had a conversation about the reasons that you don't want children and his reasons for wanting them?

And I have to say this - but think of the children if you do decide to go down that road - you have to be sure.... nobody wants a parent who didn't really want them.

towel401 wrote: »

pushing it out will hurt

No necessarily, my friend.... one word - epidural!! :P

The_Conductor

It really sounds like you haven't sat down and talked this through- at least not honestly with one another. From the little you've said- you are resolute that you do not want to have kids- whereas he probably thinks that you will change your mind at some stage- who knows, perhaps you will, but its not a given and not something that should be presumed.

Personally I think it would be a major mistake to have a child with him, just to keep him- no matter how much you love him. A child needs to be loved and feel wanted by both parents. Having a child just to keep your fiance may mean that subconsciously you may resent the child in the future- which isn't healthy for either you or your child.

While there is a grain of truth in the 'a puppy is not just for Christmas' analogy above- its so much more than this. You need to sit down and honestly talk this through with one another. If you are as resolute as your first post suggests- hard as it may be, and as much hurt as it might cause, you do not have a future together, and you know what you have to do.

S.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here

Thanks everyone for the advice

I am 28 and he is 29 so close in age.

Maybe I will change my mind about kids who can say but if I am to be honest with him now Id have to say its not in my future.

Also don't want him to think back in a few years and say I wasted his life....

Tell him that.

Are you getting married in a Catholic church? They'll make you discuss this in the pre-wedding course and they won't marry you unless you're having kids.

LegacyUser

I think you should definitely be very honest with him so that you both know what you are entering into. Its a good thing that you are facing up to this now before you get married. Be true to yourself and let things take their course. It takes courage so belief in yourself and trust your instincts.

Aloysius Flyte

You are still young, when i was 28 I definitely didn't want children. When I was 30, I didn't, when I was 33 I didn't. I'm 35 now, I'm thinking a little bit differently, it's still not a definite though. I have many siblings who have produced many children and I see what joy they bring into their lives, it has made me question why I say I don't want children.

I suppose the question is, not should you have children, but Why don't you want them? Is it loss of independence? Birth? Stretched fanny? Being the one left holding the baby (despite all his best intentions)?

I disagree with what some of the others are saying. I have friends who weren't that keen on having children, but got pregnant because their husbands wanted a child. Now they are genuinely thrilled and delighted about being parents.

Not everyone has that natural maternal instinct, itthat doesn't mean that you won't love your child or be a good mother. I firmly believe that being a good mother does not mean staying at home and making cookies and devoting your life to them (though that does suit some people), you can also be a good mother by recognising your limitations. Some people aren't cut out to be 'stay at home' Mums.

Talk to your fiance. Maybe you just aren't ready yet. You are still young.:)

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Tell him that.

Are you getting married in a Catholic church? They'll make you discuss this in the pre-wedding course and they won't marry you unless you're having kids.

As far as the Catholic church is concerned you must welcome any kids into the marrage that god may send you. In fact a marriage can be annulled on the grounds that you don't want kids in married life.

marti101

I have to say wasnt the most maternal but when they come along they do bring great joy to your life ,along with heartache,money worries,realationship worries but saying that they bring joy.If you really dont want them and you know this then say it now but if you think you could change your mind then tell him that also.Btw they do hurt epidural or not but you do forget about the pain.Is there any way of postponing a few months and then deciding either way.But you and only you know so the ball is in your court.

Stheno

Unregistered wrote: »

ok so my husband to be wants to try for a baby at the end of the year (after wedding) but i have always said I dont want a baby EVER..

He always just thought I would change my mind but I never have and always make this clear to him, now its just months away from our wedding and I love his so much and know he loves me but what should i do..

Have a baby just to keep him?? he loved kids and so so good with them. So do I stick to my guns and say no kids and risk loosing him or just have a baby to keep him??

I think this is a fundamental issue in your relationship that you have to address.

You are about to get married and commit to this man for life (I know we've divorce etc now, but no-one imo gets married expecting to end up in the divorce court)

Marriage is a huge commitment imo, and it's tough work to keep the relationship alive and healthy, without having such a huge issue unresolved/the two of you having differing views on what you expect from the future.

It may seem like a tough call now to sit down and have that conversation, but imo, knowing that your partner wants children, and your current view that you don't EVER want children, you are being grossly unfair to your partner by not at least discussing it openly and honestly with him.

From a long term perspective, if you get married and in five/seven years time still do not want children, and haven't had them to please him and end up seperating due to different views on having children, that's a long time for someone to spend working on/in a relationship with an expectation that is ultimately unfulfilled due to one partners unwillingness to have a tough conversation.

Please take the time to invest in your relationship now, you will at best lay an honest and open foundation for the future with your partner if he can accept your current viewpoint, and at worst, hard as it may be and difficult as it may seem now, you'll both realise that you want different things from marriage prior to committing to it.

The very best of luck to you.

[Jackass]

OP having a kid together is a pretty amazing thing. I don't have any kids but I've seen couples I know well have them and it seems like a pretty amazing thing to go through together.

Having said that you shouldn't bring a new life into the world because of pressure or if you're not ready for it. I would say keep an open mind about having a child together, what it represents, how much it could mean to both of you and maybe you will grow to like the idea.

Just tell him you're not ready but not ruiling it out. I don't think it's fair to set a date and expectations on you.

littlebug

It's a tough one OP but you definitely need to talk it out. One of my best friends was in the exact same situation a few years back. Because they'd reached a stalemate situation she realised that she had to make a decision before committing to marriage. She spent lots of time with friends with babies so she saw the best and worst of it all- believe me she was with me on some of my worst days. In fact she was brilliant to have around:D She did her research and asked all the questions others didn't dare ask and in the end decided that it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Three babies later she has no regrets.
You and your boyfriend really need to talk it through and make some decisions. It would be unfair on both of you to enter into marriage expecting the other one to change their minds.

CDfm

[Jackass] wrote: »

OP having a kid together is a pretty amazing thing. I don't have any kids but I've seen couples I know well have them and it seems like a pretty amazing thing to go through together.

Just tell him you're not ready but not ruiling it out. I don't think it's fair to set a date and expectations on you.

I disagree -I have one friend who feels her child has held her back in life.

Kids are a huge commitment - you cant give them back. You have a responsibility to yourself and your OH.

This is one time in your life you need to be very very honest.

Thats the mature,loving and sincere thing to do.

And best of look to you both.

LegacyUser

I think if he really wants to have kids and you don't then the two of you should not get married, Its neither of your fault but it couldn't work in the long run if he just tried to suppress his urge to become a father. Kids are amazing and if he wants to have them and you really really love him but don't want to have kids you should finish it now and give him the opportunity to have children with someone else in future. No disrespect intended but I feel like if it were a man saying he didn't ever want kids but his future wife did a lot of people here would be saying to the woman not to marry him as her urges would never go and it wouldn't be fair to stay in that relationship.
Of course your decision is totally to be respected also, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, I just don't see how the two of you could build a life together with this in the way.

metrovelvet

I think you may have to risk losing him.

The thing is you may change your mind, but then again so might he- even after you have already had the child.

This is a deal breaker, but like in any marriage you are going to have to find a way to work through situations where you want completely opposite things or directions. One of you will have to acquiesce here to the other's wishes and do it without feeling they are indebted to or it will all go downhill.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I think you may have to risk losing him.

The thing is you may change your mind, but then again so might he- even after you have already had the child.

This is a deal breaker, but like in any marriage you are going to have to find a way to work through situations where you want completely opposite things or directions. One of you will have to acquiesce here to the other's wishes and do it without feeling they are indebted to or it will all go downhill.

I disagree and it would be very dishonest and I think an awful way to start a marriage.

metrovelvet

What is dishonest?

Stheno

metrovelvet wrote: »

What is dishonest?

Personally I'd find the OP dishonest in allowing her OH to believe that she may possibly change her mind about having children in the future, as he seems to believe from her initial post.

She needs imo to sit him down and make it very very clear how she feels.
If her OH feels very strongly that he wants children then there is an issue, the OP may never ever want children (I'm a 35 year old woman and haven't wanted children since I was sixteen and still don't) so he's hoping she will, whilst she is unsure she ever will.

Hope and lack of certainty on a very very fundamental issue in marriage do not imo a solid relationship make.

The OP having the courage to lay her opinion/feelings on the line at this point may well clarify things for one or both of the couple involved.

Talliesin

I think it's pretty bloody obvious that you shouldn't have a child.

The real question is whether you should marry this guy.

This may seem like a stereotypical level of thick-man-off-the-domestic-product-advert stupidity, but there really are men that believe that all women will eventually want children. It's not just that they are morons either, perfectly intelligent - in other regards - men have honestly believed this.

Of course he may be right, because you may eventually want children. Indeed the odds are probably quite good that you will at some point. But quite good does not equal definite or even probable.

If he is too out of touch with reality to realise that you may never want children, is it really a good idea that he marries anyone, never mind you?

The_Conductor

Talliesin wrote: »

I think it's pretty bloody obvious that you shouldn't have a child.

The real question is whether you should marry this guy.

+1
I'm not suggesting the OP's fiance is thick- but given a situation where a woman "might change her mind"- I'd kind of expect it to be a "when" not an "if" scenario as to whether or not she would do. If the OP is definite- she has her answer.......

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

+1
I'm not suggesting the OP's fiance is thick- but given a situation where a woman "might change her mind"- I'd kind of expect it to be a "when" not an "if" scenario as to whether or not she would do. If the OP is definite- she has her answer.......

This is a modern world. The OP says she loves the guy.

He wants children and thats part of the marriage for him. She says she doesnt ever want children and cant commit to the children part.

At 28 or 29 they are both old enough to know their own minds. IF being child free is not for him he needs to be sat down and told it. That way if he needs to reconcider while he has time. Maybe he has accepted it.

There is nothing wrong with the OP for not wanting children and I wish her well.Being a parent is also a lifestyle choice. ASk anyone with kids and its a huge commitment -ask divorced people and you will hear its the most contentious issue.

The big question is how to tell him in such a way that will confirm your feelings and give your relationship a chance. Lunch or something with another couple for moral support where you can explain your point might be an idea thats theres no talking you around.

I suspect he already knows - and its something that will clear the air and make both of you happier and allow you to plan your lives together.

metrovelvet

Talliesin wrote: »

I think it's pretty bloody obvious that you shouldn't have a child.

The real question is whether you should marry this guy.

This may seem like a stereotypical level of thick-man-off-the-domestic-product-advert stupidity, but there really are men that believe that all women will eventually want children. It's not just that they are morons either, perfectly intelligent - in other regards - men have honestly believed this.

Of course he may be right, because you may eventually want children. Indeed the odds are probably quite good that you will at some point. But quite good does not equal definite or even probable.

If he is too out of touch with reality to realise that you may never want children, is it really a good idea that he marries anyone, never mind you?

I dont know if this is the case of a man believeing all women want children, but the case of one partner not believeing the statements of another. I have a friend who is now on her second marriage. I knew and went to school with her first husband and knew both of them quite well. She went to Cambridge and told him that she was going to do her PHD. He thought she would get bored and come home so he initially didnt have a problem with it, until she continued to do her PHD and the phone calls and contact got pithier and pithier and he got angrier and angrier and she was less and less likey to want to talk to him and the cycle continued and got bigger and bigger. Reason for divorce stated on the papers: DID NOT RETURN PHONE CALLS

His mistake was not believing her in the first place.

It is my theory that many many relationship breakdowns have to do with someones dreams not being met or allowed to live out, or one persons dreams submerging those of the other. OP is in a rock and a hard place because if she agrees then her dreams will not be met, and if she doesnt then his wont. Either way you may end up losing him.