How can i fall out of love???

irishstu88

I am absolutely head over heals in love with a girl i work with..... To cut along story short we went out on a couple of dates that went very well and then she turned round out of the blue and said she could'nt be anyones girlfriend and has subsequently treated mw like ****,,,,,, I'm still ugely into her and i'm very confused and heartbroken... She has history with other men and has baggage also.. What should i do and why is she treating me this way????

Craft25

she may be treating you like s***e cos unconsciously she doesn't believe she's worthy of having the happiness you showed her to be possible, she may not even know that this is what she's doing herself..

or

she may not be into you at all..

if its the latter you'll just have to accept, if its the former you'll have to tread carefully... spend too long tring to convince her and you become a stalker...

if t'wer me, and i believed there was something still there, i would confront her with it bluntly face to face (watch her eyes).... if she has not come back to within a fortnight ready to jump in headfirst then you'll have to consign her to your history... (and move jobs if you can't handle to be around her)

King of Kings

she is treating you this way cos she either has self esteem issues and needs to treat others badly to make herself feel better and/or is a dick.

how you get over it is to move on. get out there.
go out - it's new years eve get drunk / laid / arrested or all 3.
have fun enjoy life. in fact choose life.

think about it logically :
she treats you badly so if you had her, what would you do with her?
I'd wager you'd spend each day apologising for some slight you can't remember doing. That's no fun.

nobody who treats you badly is ever worth it.

LegacyUser

Maybe she's treating you badly, so that you'll stop being so 'into' her- it can freak someone out, if a person is completely in love with them and they don't feel the same. It's not very nice, but she probably thinks it will help you 'fall out of love'... ie, by thinking she's horrible. At the same time, I hope she realizes this isn't how to deal with things maturely and will show you some more respect.

LegacyUser

You're head over heels with someone you only went on a few dates with?
Are you sure the dates went well? Did she think so?

Plus - almost every girl has history with men, and a lot of them have baggage too. Are you sure you're not using that to put the blame on her?

Define treating you like sh1t? Is she actually being nasty, or is she just trying to get the message across that she doesn't want to go out with you?

Wibbs

King of Kings wrote: »

nobody who treats you badly is ever worth it.

Have to agree with this. Sure patience is good, but there comes a point when it runs out. You do not need to be second guessing everything in a relationship with someone. Gets old fast. I was once of the type that would have a lot of patience and be very easy going. I'm still easy going, but my time and my emotions are valuable and if they're not going to be reciprocated well then that's fine, but just not around me.

Ok so lets say it's because she has a past/baggage/whatever. We all do to some degree, but if she's not willing to move forward from that she's in some trouble. You can't be her shrink. They get paid for their time and have training to help. You won's and you don't. No imagine that you do get through to her and help her move on. In my experience you will be left behind sooner or later as you'll remind her of her past.

If she's doing this out of spite well then the answer is clear too.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

You're head over heels with someone you only went on a few dates with?
Are you sure the dates went well? Did she think so?

Plus - almost every girl has history with men, and a lot of them have baggage too. Are you sure you're not using that to put the blame on her?

Define treating you like sh1t? Is she actually being nasty, or is she just trying to get the message across that she doesn't want to go out with you?

Good point. Are you projecting this nastiness for her simply not being interested? I also agree that "head over heels" this quickly though possible, feels a bit emotionally incontinent to me. Then again I'm of the bah humbug persuasion so.....

irishstu88

i agree a 100 % about the falling head over heals so soon thing,,,,, I'm not some saddo who falls for the first girl who glances at him but this has been building for months and i finally decided i had to ask her out... She was delighted (could tell by the beaming smiles!!! cynics among you...) and she aranged the dates... I made no advances towards her on the dates cos i wanted to do thiongs right but she slapped a passionate smacker on my lips after the first date so understandably i assumede things had gone well... Her change of heart happened literelly overnight and i tried in vain to get over it... She said she could'nt face things going badly and seeing me in work every day.. Gave me the old i dont want to lose wat we have line and could we stay friends,,, I was more than happy to do that but over the following moths she became more and more irritable with me we were arguing a lot.. I confronted her about this and she said that when somene gets too close to her she pushes them away.... Said she had to protect herself and her son.. (single mum)... wat the hell is that about....??? I swear to god i did nothing wrong just tried to be a good friend but she could'nt handle that... Does'nt change how i fell though....

Wibbs

Her raising her son on her own is gonna impact how she vets men. Naturally. Some single mums are actively looking for a longtermer, most are not, or are just the same as any other woman out there, but they're naturally cautious about bringing someone new into the equation. I would be too in that position.

Do you know the background with the childs father? Is he on the scene? Is she hoping that will kick off again? There could be complication there.

TBH it could simply be that you didn't click with her beyond that first date. She may have been expecting a more active pursuit or engagement from you. If you were too slow to make your own way in the relationship. Yes she could well be thinking sensibly about the job situation if things go south and that is an issue, but I have often found sensible goes out the window if people really click. That's how pictures of bottoms end up on photocopiers.

Or it could be that she was a bit lonely, liked the attention and got swept up in that. That happens. Next morning she thinks twice sorta thing.

Its all conjecture. Only she knows. You could ask her directly but I have found people will sugar coat the reasons, not give you the real reasons or may not even know themselves. It just didn't click.

How to fall out of love? Simple enough. To say at least. Numero uno, you're infatuated at this stage. Not at all to negate your strong feelings, but that's what it is. Try and distract yourself and realise that she's not as into you as you are into her. Quite simply because she's not willing to try and be with you.

It'll take time, especially as you work together, but it wil pass. Keep your options open.

LegacyUser

What are you arguing about? Couldn't you just avoid her at work? If she's picking on you for no reason in front of your colleagues, that's not on.

I think the best course of action is just to accept that a relationship is off the cards, and maybe back off altogether. As for getting over her - we've all been there. You're not the first and you won't be the last. It does get easier though, keep the chin up.

It's not a good idea to let this ruin your work environment though. Better to just keep it civil but avoid getting into situations where an argument could break out.

irishstu88

Thanks Wibbs..... (and everyone else).....

i'm normally the one who lets the other party down so i guess i had this coming but my god i never felt heart ache like it.... Really hoped i'd found the one.... I ve been out with girls since but i'm just still way too hung up on this other girl and like most relationships i really did'nt like her at all when i first met her... could'nt stand her to be honest.. Too loud and annoying but then i saw past that and the emotions took over a bit....

Don't know wat to do for the best now,,,, think i'm gonna have to move offices in work cos it's too difficult for me right now...... really wish i did'nt feel this way and there was an easy way to just switch these feelings off,,,,, Guess thats the way love goes.... Soppy bastard eh???

sickpuppy32

feel ur pain man,
ur not soppy - ur a human being

LegacyUser

irishstu88 wrote: »

i'm normally the one who lets the other party down so i guess i had this coming but my god i never felt heart ache like it.... Really hoped i'd found the one.... I ve been out with girls since but i'm just still way too hung up on this other girl and like most relationships i really did'nt like her at all when i first met her... could'nt stand her to be honest.. Too loud and annoying but then i saw past that and the emotions took over a bit....

Um... maybe that attitude is part of the reason why she turned off you? It's just my opinion, but I'd be thinking twice about having someone near my kid who thinks like this.

Why are you guys arguing all the time? What's that all about?
Sounds like there's more to it, tbh.

irishstu88

cheers buddy... she is fu**in gorgeous!!!....

480905

irishstu88 wrote: »

I am absolutely head over heals in love with a girl i work with..... To cut along story short we went out on a couple of dates that went very well and then she turned round out of the blue and said she could'nt be anyones girlfriend and has subsequently treated mw like ****,,,,,, I'm still ugely into her and i'm very confused and heartbroken... She has history with other men and has baggage also.. What should i do and why is she treating me this way????

On these dates , did you tell her that you liked her? If you did ,how long after this did she start treating you like sh1t?

LegacyUser

A female friend of mine has been going through a very similar situation, only she's on the receiving end of unwanted attention from a guy in her circle of friends. I told her I'd have a word, or she should get a male relative to have a word but she wants to handle it herself. He's just not getting the message though and he's blaming it all on her and looking for sympathy from the rest of them by saying she has issues with men because of her past and she can't handle someone liking her. Truth is, she just doesn't want to go out with him and he's not taking no for an answer. Maybe you should be honest with yourself and try to pinpoint possible reasons why this situation has occurred instead of assuming it's because she has problems? Are you completely innocent here?

irishstu88 wrote: »

I am absolutely head over heals in love with a girl i work with..... To cut along story short we went out on a couple of dates

That's a bit much after only a few dates. Were you coming on a bit strong? Women can find that very creepy. Are you always like that with women?

irishstu88 wrote: »

She has history with other men and has baggage also..

Don't we all? It's a bit too easy to say that has to be the reason why she didn't want to continue seeing you.

irishstu88 wrote: »

Her change of heart happened literelly overnight

So what happened directly before her change of heart? If the dates went very well, and she was delighted and beaming - something must have changed her mind.

irishstu88 wrote: »

Said she had to protect herself and her son..

Strong words, even from someone who is naturally cautious. Protect herself and her son from what? If you were a perfect gentleman like you say you were, why would she suddenly feel she needed protection from you?

irishstu88 wrote: »

over the following moths she became more and more irritable with me we were arguing a lot.

So, what - was she following you around at work starting random arguments? What was the irritability in response to?

irishstu88 wrote: »

tried to be a good friend but she could'nt handle that

She couldn't handle having a good friend? Sure everyone likes having a good friend - what makes you think she couldn't handle friendship?

irishstu88 wrote: »

i'm normally the one who lets the other party down.

You consistently let women down? Well maybe she didn't want to be let down.

irishstu88 wrote: »

like most relationships i really did'nt like her at all when i first met her... could'nt stand her to be honest.

You made a snap judgement on meeting someone and decided you couldn't stand her before you got to know her?

As far as I was aware, 'most relationships' don't start with people not being able to stand each other - sure, it can happen but it's not really the norm. Are you really that cynical?

irishstu88 wrote: »

Too loud and annoying but then i saw past that

Loud and annoying to you - could mean outgoing and fun to someone else. But you saw past it - how enlightened of you.

Bottom line is, she's not interested. Leave her alone and get on with your life.

MojoMaker

Dude, you're 20. Wise up. You don't "love" anyone at that age.

pisslips

Unregulated wrote: »

A female friend of mine has been going through a very similar situation, only she's on the receiving end of unwanted attention from a guy in her circle of friends. I told her I'd have a word, or she should get a male relative to have a word but she wants to handle it herself. He's just not getting the message though and he's blaming it all on her and looking for sympathy from the rest of them by saying she has issues with men because of her past and she can't handle someone liking her. Truth is, she just doesn't want to go out with him and he's not taking no for an answer. Maybe you should be honest with yourself and try to pinpoint possible reasons why this situation has occurred instead of assuming it's because she has problems? Are you completely innocent here?



That's a bit much after only a few dates. Were you coming on a bit strong? Women can find that very creepy. Are you always like that with women?



Don't we all? It's a bit too easy to say that has to be the reason why she didn't want to continue seeing you.



So what happened directly before her change of heart? If the dates went very well, and she was delighted and beaming - something must have changed her mind.



Strong words, even from someone who is naturally cautious. Protect herself and her son from what? If you were a perfect gentleman like you say you were, why would she suddenly feel she needed protection from you?



So, what - was she following you around at work starting random arguments? What was the irritability in response to?



She couldn't handle having a good friend? Sure everyone likes having a good friend - what makes you think she couldn't handle friendship?



You consistently let women down? Well maybe she didn't want to be let down.



You made a snap judgement on meeting someone and decided you couldn't stand her before you got to know her?

As far as I was aware, 'most relationships' don't start with people not being able to stand each other - sure, it can happen but it's not really the norm. Are you really that cynical?



Loud and annoying to you - could mean outgoing and fun to someone else. But you saw past it - how enlightened of you.

Bottom line is, she's not interested. Leave her alone and get on with your life.

Good god, that was a very measured non-biased reaction.:rolleyes:

Sure it happens to everyone from year to year, just must have forgotten about your last mad infatutation. It's not a big deal, you don't have to be dramatic or do anything about it. if you made an effort and tried with her well then you can't blame yourself. There's no need to blame her or judge yourself, you just took a gamble that didn't work.Maybe you invested a little too much in it but sure at least your living and going true the pain and learning and growing.Don't overanalise or absorb other people's negativity ^.
You gotta love that gut wrenching gratifying self-pity, it makes you feel **** and it's kinda fun at the same time.

Fact is you're better than her because your more confident:D ,I call it the self-propogating unburstable bubble.

You can ignore that last part.

LegacyUser

pisslips wrote: »

Good god, that was a very measured non-biased reaction.:rolleyes:

Sure it happens to everyone from year to year, just must have forgotten about your last mad infatutation. It's not a big deal, you don't have to be dramatic or do anything about it. if you made an effort and tried with her well then you can't blame yourself. There's no need to blame her or judge yourself, you just took a gamble that didn't work.Maybe you invested a little too much in it but sure at least your living and going true the pain and learning and growing.Don't overanalise or absorb other people's negativity ^.

Okay, perhaps it seems a little biased because I happened to mention that I have a friend on the other end of it... trying to offer a bit of perspective from the other side of the fence. I don't think that makes the questions any less relevant. It's an age old phenomenon - boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl not interested, boy having none of it and persists in the pursuit, girl finds it necessary to be clearer in saying no - therefore girl obviously has something wrong with her and has issues with men.

I'm not saying it's the OP's fault - just that maybe he needs to put himself in her position. Men have all kind of names for women who pursue them when they've made it clear that they're not interested. Few of them realise how distressing it can be for the girl in a situation like this.

And I'm sorry but red flags get raised with me when people start saying things like they need to protect themselves and their children from someone.

The OP is obviously finding this whole thing rough, and who wouldn't - but he seems quite young or possibly just inexperienced, and possibly it's not his heart that's hurting so much as his ego... it can be hard to separate the two if you're not that emotionally experienced.

pisslips wrote: »

You gotta love that gut wrenching gratifying self-pity, it makes you feel **** and it's kinda fun at the same time.

Fact is you're better than her because your more confident

Hmmmmm....

irishstu88

Well all i said was that i felt like i had to ask her out cos i was developing feelings for her and wanted to see if it might work out between us... I did'nt start mentioning marriage or long term commitment.. I'm not a complete clown!!! She started to treat me badly after it all finished. Gave me the old i dont want to lose what we've gained and really want us to be friends liene... Wanted me to go horse riding with her and all that which was fine but whilst i tried to go down the friend route it became increasingly apparent that she had been feeding me ****e.... She started snapping at me in work for no apparent reason and was generally unpleasant and i was 'nt the only person that noticed this... I took her to one side and asked her why she was behaving like this and the tears started and she told me that when someone started to get too close she always pushed them away... within a few weeks she flipped and told me never to speak to her again... This went on for four months!!!

irishstu88

what attitude are you reffering to mate??? And why exactly would it want her to keep me from her kids????

LegacyUser

Well... this bit:

irishstu88 wrote: »

i'm normally the one who lets the other party down

And this bit:

irishstu88 wrote: »

like most relationships i really did'nt like her at all when i first met her... could'nt stand her to be honest.. Too loud and annoying but then i saw past that and the emotions took over a bit....

It sounds a little bit... fickle - for want of a better word. Like you don't really know your own mind and change it often. A woman bringing up a child on her own is not gonna want that kind of thing in a relationship. You hated her to begin with and now you're head over heels in love? She might be worried you'll change your mind again.

As for this just being friends thing - sounds good on paper but it often doesn't work out. She knows you're interested, she's not interested - so it's always gonna be uncomfortable for one of you. You'll always be wondering 'is there a chance', she'll always be thinking 'he thinks there's a chance'. It gets messy. She'll feel under pressure - you'll feel rejected - that's probably why the arguments are happening.

I'd say don't go horseriding or anywhere else with her outside of work. Don't contact her outside work hours, much as you might want to. Just be nice and civil to her when you are at work and try not to rise to it if she's snapping at you - walk away, don't give her the opportunity. I don't think either of you are to blame here, just a load of emotions running high and mixed signals to be honest, it happens - don't be too hard on yourself or on her.

jayzusb.christ

MojoMaker wrote: »

Dude, you're 20. Wise up. You don't "love" anyone at that age.

Why not? It's hardly a teenage crush; he's a grown man. I was in a similar situation though i was 30 at the time. It's intensely painful but you get over it

irishstu88

by the way... i'm a lot more than 20 yrs old.... (dunno where that patronising little sod got that idea!) If only i was again!!!

LegacyUser

Tho its hard to do ,,,,,,,,,, you need to get this girl out of your head, from what i've read i believe this is a total dead loss ,,,,,,,,,,,, she is obviouly battling demons of her own and perhaps doesn;t realise the effect this has had on you ,,,,,, she is probably not aware of how deeply you feel,,,,,,,,,,,, you need to move forward and forget about her

LegacyUser

Probably from the 88 in your username. Easy mistake to make. Could also have been the fact that you come across as being somewhat immature (case in point ^). Seriously, people are trying to help you here - no need to resort to name calling.

How are things with the lady in question now?

LegacyUser

get the hell away from this girl before you get sacked for gross misconduct in the work place and before she has to take a restraining order out against you. I go horse riding myself and its a great way to get rid of lifes stresses, i have suggested doing htis for many male friends, its not leading them on etc.

Wise up, your seeing something thats not there at all. Infact it sounds like you are a tad emotionally unstable, and i can see why this girl needs to protect herself and her son from you, or as you call it her "baggage". From what i read you proprably said that to her and it turned her right off, along with the rest of your tripe.

Theres 3 sides to every story- her side, your side and the truth

LegacyUser

you need so see the movie she is not all that into you!!!

irishstu88 wrote: »

I am absolutely head over heals in love with a girl i work with..... To cut along story short we went out on a couple of dates that went very well and then she turned round out of the blue and said she could'nt be anyones girlfriend and has subsequently treated mw like ****,,,,,, I'm still ugely into her and i'm very confused and heartbroken... She has history with other men and has baggage also.. What should i do and why is she treating me this way????