Lonely in my late thirties

LegacyUser

Hello,

I am a Spanish guy, I am 38. One year ago I moved to Dublin for my work. Everything is going fine here but my personal life.
To put it bluntly, it seems very difficult for me to meet women and have a relationship here in Ireland.
I am not very ugly, but I have never been particularly good looking either.
My English is good but not very fluent (and, I guess, this can be a bit annoying for a native speaker).

Even in the past, I have never been a "womanizer"; I am always been on the shy-side, but still, in my country I had my share of stories, a few girlfriends, good and bad days like everybody else.
Here in Dublin, nothing.

There are a few interesting fish in my office pond, so to speak, but I learned in the past that it's wise to keep work separated from love life.
The problem is that I don't have a lot of spare time, outside work, and I don't seem able to meet new many people, to have a life outside work.
I think I could use some advice!

I guess that my age is a problem, here. My younger co-workers, in their twenties, spend their nights in clubs and pubs. Some of the not-Irish sometimes complain that Irish girls do not seem interested in not-Irish guys, but anyway Dublin's nightlife is generally brilliant for young people. But of course I can't go clubbing at 38.
I tried joining a tennis club. I think I could try with dance classes or evening classes... I don't know. I don't want to find a woman "at any cost" but I'd like to put myself in the condition to have a social life even here in Dublin.

Once I asked a Irish taxi driver what do 40-years old men do, here in Ireland, when they don't have a family already. His answer was: "They go to their local pub." That was all. Does this make sense? Is a pub a place where you go with your friends or a place where you can meet new people? I thought the former was true.

So, my question for the forum is... what should a not-so-young and not-Irish guy do to meet women? Are there single-pubs or something similar? Are there clubs where people in their 30s can go? Are clubs or classes the best option?

Wibbs

Well speaking as a 41 year old, I still go into town, socialise and *gasp horror* have even gone on to clubs!:eek: TBH more than I did in my early 20's so....

Now I wouldn't go that often, but I wouldn't rule it out. Why don't you go somewhere with people you work with. You don't have to try hooking up with any of them but you may meet other people. You could go to one of the boards beers that happen often enough and meet new people that way. There are a lot of options out there.

Gemini Sister

Hmm. I've a few foreign male friends who've had this problem. I never had issues with foreign guys when single but some of my friends wouldn't go near them, particularly mediteranean guys as a few of them come here looking for easy drunk girls and ruin things for everyone else or so I'm told.

Having said that single 38yr old guys are thin on the ground and in demand!
Maybe try different pubs. Alot of the city centre is aimed towards the kids but there's also a good few places, george's st maybe that have a much more mixed clientele. You will have to overcome some prejudice of course, but maybe with girls over 30 that won't be so bad. Dancing is good idea as most classes are filled with girls. Have you tried internet dating? Just be careful you don't fall into 'friendzone' as my italian mate does time & time again. Persevere!

dublinpd

Gemini Sister wrote: »

Hmm. I've a few foreign male friends who've had this problem. I never had issues with foreign guys when single but some of my friends wouldn't go near them, particularly mediteranean guys as a few of them come here looking for easy drunk girls and ruin things for everyone else or so I'm told.

Having said that single 38yr old guys are thin on the ground and in demand!
Maybe try different pubs. Alot of the city centre is aimed towards the kids but there's also a good few places, george's st maybe that have a much more mixed clientele. You will have to overcome some prejudice of course, but maybe with girls over 30 that won't be so bad. Dancing is good idea as most classes are filled with girls. Have you tried internet dating? Just be careful you don't fall into 'friendzone' as my italian mate does time & time again. Persevere!

by the way... I usually fall into that 'friendzone'. that means losing rare opportunities. Can you tell me something to avoid this? Thanks!!

Wibbs

Avoiding friendzone is easy enough, because 9 times outa 10 you are putting yourself into that position. First and foremost, be upfront about your romantic/sexual intentions. If you're interested, make this clear. Ask them out on an actual date. Do not be backward in comig forward. Do not try to be their "friend" with other things in the back of your head. They can spot that.

LegacyUser

Wibbs, Gemini sister, Thanks for your kind advice!
It's good to know at least that "my problem" is a quite common problem: life is objectively not so easy for mediterranean guys in their late 30s, here in Dublin.
Any suggestions about pubs 'not for kids'? You mentioned 'George St." (not 'The George, i hope! :-)) Any place in particular there?

Gemini Sister

Wibbs wrote: »

Avoiding friendzone is easy enough, because 9 times outa 10 you are putting yourself into that position. First and foremost, be upfront about your romantic/sexual intentions. If you're interested, make this clear. Ask them out on an actual date. Do not be backward in comig forward. Do not try to be their "friend" with other things in the back of your head. They can spot that.

Exactly.

And after youve made your moves and been told she'd rather stay friends, withdraw from the situation completely for awhile. That'll make her think of you as a man with feelings rather than a friend. You can be 'friends' of some form at a later date but as far as she needs to know, you've taken your charm and manly attentions elsewhere meantime.

Miss Fluff

Online dating ftw

Try www.anotherfriend.com or www.match.com

And try and work on your confidence amigo, "I am not very ugly" could be phrased better. Give yourself a break!

Quite the cliche I know, but you have to love yourself before someone else can.:)

metrovelvet

I think that you are foreign may have something to do with it. I have found that Irish people are hesitant to get close to foreign people because they think/know eventually they are going to leave. This goes for friendships too.

TMoreno

Try late bars and Tango classes. There are usually more women than men.
Life is easy for Mediterranean Men, dont worry for us.

LegacyUser

TMoreno wrote: »

Try late bars and Tango classes. There are usually more women than men.

Ok for Tango classes.
Pardon my ignorance, but what is a "late bar"? (How is it different from a pub or a club?)

TMoreno

A late bar is a bar that closes around 2H30 or 3H00 AM.
There is music and you don't have to pay to get in.

LegacyUser

Like others have said, just persevere. A lot of Irish girls don't seem to want to meet foreign guys. I know loads of guys who have dated foreign girls, and I have a german girlfriend. Unfortunately, not one female I know has dated a foreign guy. Maybe I am mixing in strange circles, but from looking at other posts on boards, it seems this is a common occurrence. Irish women are just not open-minded about foreigners. Thats a huge generalisation, but I feel it is close to the truth. Whether that is due to racism, ignorance, or well-grounded fears, I don't know. But it does seem to be the case that open-minded Irish women are in the minority. IMHO.

The good news is that there are still good women available for good guys like yourself. It just takes a bit more effort to find them. I would say dancing classes are a great idea. Do you enjoy any sports or have you any hobbies? Any interest that you always wanted to learn more about? If you do, try and join a club. I would advise joining a club for the sake of it. Try to find something you are genuinely interested in.

Are there cultural events that you could get involved in? A spanish society or club? Festivals? Language classes? Teaching Spanish? I don't know if those ideas are any good but its all I can think of right now.

Organise things, dont wait for them to be organised for you!!

Btw, your english is fine, and anyone who would disregard you on that basis is an idiot. Language can be improved easily, so dont worry about it.

LegacyUser

Hi pablo11, me again.
I found some things through a google search. I don't know if these are much use to you, but have a look anyway.

http://www.spanishfilmfestival.ie/other_events.htm

http://dublin.cervantes.es/en/default.shtm (there is an events section here I think)

http://lunchclub.meetup.com/cities/ie/dublin/

MysticalSoul

What hobbies do you have, as very often people meet through common interest groups, such as hill walking, photography etc. Also, www.getout.ie is an organisation that organise events for singles. I went speed dating with them once, and was very well organised.

LegacyUser

There used to be salsa classes in cafe en seine once a week, very casual and all age groups and nationalities.

Just on another note, I know an couple who broke up recently, an Irish guy and spanish girl. They'd been going out for 7 years. It's not that Irish people have anthing against foreigners, but sooner or later the question of where to live arises, and it often spells the end of the relationship. I'm not trying to be depressing here, it's just I've seen it twice quite recently with spanish and irish couples.The main factor was the the geography thing, unfortunately. Equally I do know couples who are from 2 different countries who have made it work. Just be aware that it is something that girls (Irish too)will think of.Lot's of girls want to settle down near their families, and that may not be something you're happy with

LegacyUser

Thank you everybody for your nice and sensible advice.

jayzusb.christ

I had a female Spanish friend who was about 39 when she came to Dublin. She went out clubbing all the time and was rarely stuck for male interest. She finally ended up in a relationship with a Spanish guy a few years younger than her.
Age isn't the issue, confidence is. At 32, after actively trying to become less shy and more confident, I realised that girls of 19 and 20 were still interested in me.
And by the way, I was out in a club last week with another woman who's very close to 40.