Am I overeacting?

McGinty

Hi

Basically I have spent another sleepless and frustrated night of anger. My partner has insomnia and he takes sleeping tablets for it, in order to help him sleep he reads and then nods of. I have accepted this as best I can and he set a timer to the light so it would go of at a certain time. Lately though he can access the internet via his i-pod, so he surfs the net in bed as a means to go to sleep. Lately he has been up until 2 or 3am with this on, and I have not slept well either. He complains of being tired all the time and not sleeping well. Last night I was getting angrier and angrier, so after an hour of this I asked politely could he turn it of as I could not sleep. He said I'll cover it over with the blanket, I then said that surfing the net like that will stimulate him and not help him sleep. He sarcastically said yes I know, and I said well it is counderproductive and he said yes sarcastically. I left it then but became even more frustrated because I still could not sleep. Half an hour later I said please, please can you turn it of, he said nothing, I said I am feeling angry so can you please turn it of, again he said nothing. I was furious then (I still am) and after three to five minutes I leapt out of the bed and said I was furious and to turn it off, he said I was mad, so I said I am sleeping downstairs, he called me an animal and to sleep outside that I was too aggressive, I said he was being extremely unfair and selfish, he then proceeded to call me a bitch and other names, I resorted then to being a five year old called him a spa and slammed the door. I feel he has been monstrously selfish and lacked total respect for me, even though he says he respects me.

This is not the first time he has called me names. We moved in together in August, and whilst I am working on my issues, I get needy and I am working very hard on it, at least I see that and work on it. Since moving in together our relationship has been both difficult and lovely, but more and more he is distancing himself from me, and I feel more and more alone, and extremely lonely. I am in a new area, I have had to cut contact with my family because they were extremely bad for my mental health, I cannot talk to my partner about this because he gets too down about it and says I need to put it behind me and focus on my life now. I try but I feel very isolated.

Last week we argued because I accidently referred to my sexual past, it was an indirect reference, months ago he asked the question of how many, which I didn't answer because I knew he would not handle the truth, for me I don't care about his past, it has nothing to do with us, but over time I told him I had some past one night stands that I deeply regretted, and a situation that was painful. When I accidently referred that time, he was angry and said he was deeply hurt, he tries not to think of that aspect of my past, we were lying in bed, I realise I was insensitive and apologised immediately but he was too hurt to accept it, I didn't sleep. The next day he was still mad at me and I asked him not to be, he became cruel and said I dont want to hear about all the men you ****ed in such and such a place, and again he resorted to cursing and swearing. I was deeply distraught and hurt, he apologised (the first time). There have been other times where he swears at me, see I won't keep quiet, I have to make my point. I have always been a push over and kept quiet and suffered because of it. It takes me huge energy and guts to confront my partner and he is so defensive and cross that it makes it worse. I have been on the toilet all night with stress. I just feel I can't take anymore, he says I overreact, that I thrive on misery and drama, yes my background is dysfunctional but I can't help how I feel.

He tells me daily he loves me, he is affectionate when I am pleasing to him, when I piss him off he is cold as ice, this tears me apart inside because I feel I am on probation all the time, when we first moved in he was nearly breaking it of with me every week, and three weeks ago was the last time he said it was over. When he is hard he is very cruel towards me. He says I am a good kind woman, that I give him so much love and he is lucky, then why does he treat me this way when I challenge him (which always starts of politely) Our life revolves around the telly, it feels boring, he doesn't drink or like socialising so we don't do that. I met friends alone. I feel I am being emotionally bullied, I also feel that any alone time is being eroded whilst he watches telly, plays on the computer, goes shopping or plays on that stupid i-pod. I feel I am playing second fiddle to things, but I also wonder am I being neurotic, I don't want to be all heavy on him, I want to give him space as he says I can be too demanding, but I don't feel valued. I feel I give more emotionally, I also feel he uses these things to shut out any intimacy, heck we don't even eat together that much anymore. The only thing we share is watching telly, we used to go for walks in nature which I loved but in the past few weeks that has gone, now he wants to go shopping all the time.
I used to give him massages in his feet but he has pushed that away too many times so I don't bother. When he is loving he is wonderful but I still very lonely and empty inside.

Nevyn

Sorry but what a plonker and controling selfish manipulative bastard.
Sorry I am reclusing myself from posting any more cos I would have to ban myself.
You should not have to put up with that.

Overheal

my even being in this thread at 2:30 in the morning is a complete contradiction to the advice I was planning on giving needless to say he will probably serve himself better by unplugging for a while.

Honestly though it sounds like things are not working out. If he wants space, and more importantly if he's placing this much stress on you then its time to step back, and move back out. Wind back the clock/take it back down a few gears, or end the relationship.

By the way he's hardly one to tell you to get on with your life when all he does is escape into his gadgets anytime you have a discussion.

Snowie

you shoulnt have to be treated like that.... if your getting help and going out with that guy at the same time its counderproductive...

how can you build confidance self worth and self esteam when hes cleerly a spoiled brat who get his own way and then if he doesnt beheavs like a 12 year callig you names sorry thats just not fare, itsa from of bullying...

i understand when your in councelling you can be quite needy thats what chockolets for

but to be fare you should not have to put up with that kind abehavour...

i dunno how to fix it because ive never truly been in a reletionship well propper one.. so i wouldnt know...

The Mighty Ken

It sounds to me like you need to be more assertive with this guy. If you lose your head, you lose the argument so don't fly off the handle when you have a dispute with him. Just explain what he's doing wrong in a calm, confident tone of voice. You need to have the same attitude towards the relationship as well to be honest. You need to look at things in the cold light of day and ask yourself if it's worth continuing with it. Don't get emotional about it - look at it practically. Do you want to be this miserable for the rest of your life? I'd assume not.

I know there are always two sides to every story but if I'm to take your post at face value, your boyfriend sounds like a child. You probably need a real man.

Wibbs

If you're going through a patch of rebuilding a map of your own personal journey it can be difficult for those around you. On a few different levels. It can change the dynamic of the relationship as you change towards a hopefully more healthy you. This goes double if you met them before you started on that path as what you were looking for then can be quite different to what you know you need now. It can be hard for others as people are naturally self centered. Yes they will extend affection and support, but depending on how self centered and impatient they are they are the cut off point for that can be lower in some.

As for the sexual past bit, you know yourself bad plan for most men. I would say even the ones who claim it's not an issue will take issue with it. I can think of maybe two men I've known in my life who actually didn't care. TBH I would have been one that would have gotten shirty about that back in the day. I wouldn't care now, but that's ten odd years later. I would advise any woman to lie about that or sugar coat it anyway. Peoples egos can be fragile and with men that's a sore point. So while it may be "silly", for praticality's sake avoid like the plague for the most part.

All that said he is acting in a selfish way. He is being emotionally immature, though I would say the majority of people are to one degree or other. You are right to be píssed off and no mistake. How to solve it is the trick.

Try and engage him when things are not heated. He and you will be on the back foot in those times and it'll quickly degenerate as I gather it has before. IMHO in pretty much every relationship disagreement both sides are right. One side may be only 10% right, but they are 10% right. The other side may be 90% right, but they're 10% wrong. Now few want to admit they're even slighly wrong, especially in the heat of the moment, so they will defend themselves to the end based on that feeling of being "right". Don't get into that.

When you do talk with him, start off by saying he has some good points and issues. Don't bring up your points until he's finished with his. Try not to get emotional. This can be hard for some. I would say for more women too. His points will feel like an attack to you. They're not. Everything he is saying good bad or indifferent is an opinion. That's all. Step back and take them like that. He may have some good points and may be right at times, but he may also be wrong.

In most cases people don't do this. They kick off a discussion aiming to be proven right. He likely knows he's been a tit, so let him come to that conclusion and admit that with your help and your silence as it were. You'll get him to do that by admitting that you can be a tit too at times. It is very hard to disagree with someone who agrees with much of what you say and it's more likely to bring some progress. In my humble most arguments go arse over tit, because people need the ego boost of being right.

Now this could be the start of the cracks of a relationship going south. It could also simply be a transition period where you are both feeling out each others boundaries now that you live together. You're still trying to feel out your own boundaries now you're moving forward from your past(kudos) which adds another layer to this.

But that's your journey. He has to make his own and he should support yours while doing it(as you should support his).

Talk with him and engage with him. If he does continue to push a boundary, calmly(fake it if you have to), disagree, make your feelings known and step back. If he insists on internetting while you try to sleep, well then move into another room.

If he still doesn't get the message well then it's time to look at him and figure out if this is a person you need in your life.


Sorry rambling a bit there.:D

Antilles

McGinty wrote: »

My partner has insomnia and he takes sleeping tablets for it, in order to help him sleep he reads and then nods of. I have accepted this as best I can and he set a timer to the light so it would go of at a certain time. Lately though he can access the internet via his i-pod, so he surfs the net in bed as a means to go to sleep"

Is he not taking his sleeping tablets to get to sleep any more? If he is not taking the tablet then his mind will stay active. Surfing the net on the iPod is probably just him avoiding boredom while he is "stuck" awake.

Insomnia can be a hell of a thing. Name calling is not acceptable (from either of you), but screaming and shouting at somebodyng. You need to sit down and have a rational conversation about the reason he is using the iPod, and ways to tackle that, instead of you just exploding about him keeping you awake. From his perspective, he is bored and stuck awake. He offered to put the iPod under the blanket in what from his perspective was an attempt to compromise. It mightn't have seemed like it to you, but he did try to accomadate you, so of course when you flew off the handle he said you were being unreasonable.

Last week we argued because I accidently referred to my sexual past, it was an indirect reference, months ago he asked the question of how many, which I didn't answer because I knew he would not handle the truth

As a couple you also need to take a look at this. Why should he have a problem with your sexual past? I had a sex life before my girlfriend, and she had one before me. I have no interest in who she was with before we started going out, but I love her and that is part of her history, so aspects of it are bound to come up in conversations. The idea that either partner in a relationship would be "deeply hurt" about a reference to past daliances is ridiculous. You are both grown-ups, and it is about time you were allowed to have grown up conversations. This is a seperate issue to the insomnia and from the sounds of it, it is one which can only be resolved by him copping himself on and stopping thinking like a twelve year old.

krankykitty

McGinty, I know theres two sides to the story and we're only hearing yours, but hell, I think you deserve much more from a relationship than this. Being called names and feeling as if you're "on probation", living with feeling insecure in the relationship and wondering when the next time will be that he'll be cold, even finishing with you? It's no way to live, even if the good times feel really good. You'll eventually drive yourself bonkers. Ask yourself if your best friend told you she was in this situation herself what would you say - would you tell her it was OK?

I don't think you are overreacting and I think it is rich that he says you thrive on drama when he is providing you with a great deal of it, by the sounds of things.

Perhaps it might be useful, as some of the other posters suggested, to talk to him at one of the times when things are good, and point out exactly how you are feeling, including how name calling is not acceptable etc. Only the two of you can work out whether the relationship is worth working for but by the sounds of things, it can't go on much longer as it is.

Good luck and I hope things improve for you one way or another.

cafecolour

Definitely leave him - he's very moody and emotionally immature, and doesn't sound like much fun either. Your admitted neediness and emotional vulnerability is just bringing out more of the bully in him.

Honestly, I think you needed to leave him, and then spend some concerted amount of time being single (not jumping back into another relationship) to build your own confidence a bit.

As an aside, using an ipod or a computer is one of the worst ways to go to bed - the screens are so bright, they actually keep the brain wired in awake mode.

cantdecide

If you've had a turbulent past, it's possible that you might be slightly sabotaging your own happiness for the future. Your fella sounds like he needs to be with someone who's able for him. I'd strongly consider calling it a day or at least making sure that he knows he can never behave this way to you again, ever.

McGinty

Is he not taking his sleeping tablets to get to sleep any more? If he is not taking the tablet then his mind will stay active. Surfing the net on the iPod is probably just him avoiding boredom while he is "stuck" awake.

Hi Antilles

Just to say that yes he does take the sleeping tablets but they take a while to work. We talked yesterday and he said pretty much what you said that he just lies there wide awake unless he reads or uses the i-pod. He claims that he began using the i-pod because I was bothered by the light, now I did switch of his light a few times after one or two hours of him reading, reawaking and reading again. We got around that problem by putting a timer on the light switch. Last night he read and had a better sleep. However, the light thing/insomnia etc, is just one aspect of our problems.

IMHO in pretty much every relationship disagreement both sides are right. One side may be only 10% right, but they are 10% right. The other side may be 90% right, but they're 10% wrong. Now few want to admit they're even slighly wrong, especially in the heat of the moment, so they will defend themselves to the end based on that feeling of being "right". Don't get into that.

Wibbs before I go on, you have done it again, I always find what you say to be helpful, thoughtful and a real help. You are right in that there two sides to this and I am guilty as the next person in my need to be right. However, most of the time I don't get angry or shout, or emotional. I calmy say what my problem is, and he will stick react like a five year old. When he calls me names it is deeply hurtful, I used to take all that crap before and each time I say to him please don't call me that etc. Yes when he calms down he feels bad about it, but hates admitting it. I told him yesterday that I cannot tolerate that anymore. He said he hates it when he loses control and that my constant banging on about a point, (yes I can say the same thing several times in what he accuses me of as a college debater etc). My difficulty in this is that I swallow all of what he says and the words reverbarate around in my head. This is my problem.

He has done a certain amount of self work since we moved in together and for that I need to give him credit, I tell him this. I have to do a lot of thinking though, I don't know if this is a transistion period or whether we are incompatible. I agree we are all self centred from time to time. I should clarify that I had two years of counselling, I don't anymore, but I continue with my self work. I often admit to my partner that I am in the wrong but I have this fear that he may be using that against me so that he can blame me rather than look at myself. In the last week or so I have learned that I need to change certain aspects of my behaviour and that I often give away my power, so I am not sure what the best way is to do that. I have been pulling back and letting him do more of the work. I can be calm most of the time but when it comes between my sleep I am not the best. I am not looking for him to be my emotional support per se, but to just let me be sad or whatever in peace. Granted it is not much fun to be around a sad person, and I am sad a lot of the time, I cover it up, but he can sense it and it brings him down. I carry on with my day to day stuff, whether college, etc, but when I am sad, I am quiet, I sometimes can be tearful, I realise actually in comparison to the average person, I cry a lot, usually I do this in secret but I suppose it is not much fun to live with. I only want him to let me be, not make me feel guilty for being down. Or saying to me that he is down because I bring him down. When he is down and I am up, I can seperate the two but he can't yet.

In most cases people don't do this. They kick off a discussion aiming to be proven right. He likely knows he's been a tit, so let him come to that conclusion and admit that with your help and your silence as it were. You'll get him to do that by admitting that you can be a tit too at times. It is very hard to disagree with someone who agrees with much of what you say and it's more likely to bring some progress. In my humble most arguments go arse over tit, because people need the ego boost of being right.

I suppose the biggest difficulty I have is that when I get down or angry about something and I know that I shouldn't react that way and I am unable to hide my resentment or annoyance, my partner gets angry about that and I even though I agree with him about my behaviour, he feels it is not good enough and I should not react that way, now, to be honest Wibbs apart from admitting that yes I am at fault, I do not know how to make the feeling go away. I also know that when he says this it is because when I react that way, it makes him feel bad about himself. (I just realise the above paragraph makes no sense). Basically it is usually tied in with our intimate life, we may plan an early night, he will change his mind, I will sulk and feel rejected. Theoritically I know he has every right to change his mind, I don't say anything, I just say okay that is fine, but I don't feel fine, he picks that up and that is where the trouble begins. He sees me as sex obsessed (I don't) and he sees himself as too much the other way but is unwilling to do anything about it. As such my confidence is taking a battering. I have to decide can we find a way through this or do I walk away. Apart from agreeing with him, yes I shouldn't sulk, that I don't mean to make him feel bad or less of a man, that I love him dearly and desire him a huge amount I cannot help feeling resentful. I try to work on it but it just comes. I honestly do not know what to do about it. As I said he has worked on other issues since we have moved in together and I wonder if I am patient he could work on this but in the meantime I need a way to handle myself when he rejects me sexually.

I am also bothered that he sees me as some sort of deviant, he said yesterday that aspect of me makes him feel sick but he is with me because he loves me, that I put sex at the top of the list, and that I need to be '****ed' a lot, I find that kind of talk derogatory and extremely hurtful which I said to him. I said I want him a lot because I find him desirable and I love him. I also added that prior to him I was celibate for a very long time. Oh and as to your tip re: glossing my sexual past, I did. If he knew the truth he would not be able to handle it. I am not proud of it but it is there. Sexually I know he is immature and he has a huge number of issues, I know he is projecting them onto me, at the moment I haven't found a way for him to see it in himself, I don't know if cafecolour is right in that my admitting a weakness is bringing the bully out in him, whilst the focus is on me he can avoid his own crap.

Anyhow it is not straight forward, I should add that he met me as I was making changes, and I still am. I spent several years alone sorting my head out, there was a lot to sort out. I need to look at this calmly, develop more of a backbone (this I do find hard) and do a lot of soul searching. Thanks to everyone for their help in this, it has helped talking about it.

Nevyn

McGinty wrote: »

However, the light thing/insomnia etc, is just one aspect of our problems.

I had thought it was the case it has become the 'safe' battle ground but is about issues other then the light.

McGinty wrote: »

When he calls me names it is deeply hurtful, I used to take all that crap before and each time I say to him please don't call me that etc. Yes when he calms down he feels bad about it, but hates admitting it.

That I could not stand, if the person I am sharing my life with was to continue
using terms which they know I find upsetting deliberately and didn't have the self control and consideration not to do so after being asked several time and being made aware of just how upsetting those words/names are to me then they would find themselves not in my life any more.

McGinty wrote: »

He has done a certain amount of self work since we moved in together and for that I need to give him credit, I tell him this. I have to do a lot of thinking though, I don't know if this is a transistion period or whether we are incompatible.

Thing is that 'work' on himself is that something he wanted to do or may feel
that he has been pushed into doing it ?

Some people don't want to work on their issues and when in a relationship with someone who is under going a process or has an awareness of what they will and will not put up with and starts calling them on their bullshít
so that they have to deal with it they are forced to grow and change and
can come to really resent it.

They can then start lashing out at the other person blaming them and their 'issues' in order to detract from them, belittle them and make themselves feel better about themselves which is toxic to any relationship.

McGinty wrote: »

I agree we are all self centred from time to time. I should clarify that I had two years of counselling, I don't anymore, but I continue with my self work.

If that is what you need to do then do it, it may mean that you can't be in a relationship for a while or at least such an intense one esp if you are not being supported or being allowed to change.

McGinty wrote: »

In the last week or so I have learned that I need to change certain aspects of my behaviour and that I often give away my power, so I am not sure what the best way is to do that.

When ever you alter your behaviour to be around him, stop yourself from being yourself you are compromising and giving away your power.
This is silent and it can take a lot before you figure it out and it can go unnoticed but the resentment builds esp as the other person is unaware of how much you are already comprising so that further obvious compromising is to them not a big deal and to you a great one.

McGinty wrote: »

I have been pulling back and letting him do more of the work. I can be calm most of the time but when it comes between my sleep I am not the best. I am not looking for him to be my emotional support per se, but to just let me be sad or whatever in peace. Granted it is not much fun to be around a sad person, and I am sad a lot of the time, I cover it up, but he can sense it and it brings him down. I carry on with my day to day stuff, whether college, etc, but when I am sad, I am quiet, I sometimes can be tearful, I realise actually in comparison to the average person, I cry a lot, usually I do this in secret but I suppose it is not much fun to live with. I only want him to let me be, not make me feel guilty for being down. Or saying to me that he is down because I bring him down. When he is down and I am up, I can seperate the two but he can't yet.

You are in a process of dealing with a lot of things and the last thing you need is someone undermining and under cutting that cos you are bringing them down. Seriously fúck that, he is either strong enough to be your man or not. He should be emotionally stable enough to be there for you and not have tied his emotional kite to yours and expect you to be a certain way for him.

McGinty wrote: »

I suppose the biggest difficulty I have is that when I get down or angry about something and I know that I shouldn't react that way and I am unable to hide my resentment or annoyance, my partner gets angry about that and I even though I agree with him about my behaviour, he feels it is not good enough and I should not react that way,

Maybe you need to go back to counseling, you certainly seem to need someone who will be able listen to you vent and get things off your chest and all he seems to want is for your to bottle it up and not be rocking the boat at home.

McGinty wrote: »

I also know that when he says this it is because when I react that way, it makes him feel bad about himself. (I just realise the above paragraph makes no sense).

That is his own insecurities and issue making him feel bad not you.

Trust me been there and found I had changed a lot of how I was and behaved cos it was upsetting someone and they would react and feel bad about their emotional reaction and then say it was my fault and I should not make them feel that way. That I should know better.

It was their own unlooked at un dealt with issues which caused those reactions and it got to the stage where I figured that out and just refused to be scapegoated any more for their bad behaviour when they had a reaction.

He's an adult he is meant to have some control over is reactions and what he chooses to do.

McGinty wrote: »

Basically it is usually tied in with our intimate life, we may plan an early night, he will change his mind, I will sulk and feel rejected. Theoritically I know he has every right to change his mind, I don't say anything, I just say okay that is fine, but I don't feel fine, he picks that up and that is where the trouble begins.

IF you were to reverse the genders there it's really not that unusual,
been there myself it is not fun what so ever and can really be hurtful
to be sexually rejected by the person who is mean to want and love you
and makes you feel well like a slut for wanting sex, with your own partner
in the context of your own relationship, which is never good.

McGinty wrote: »

He sees me as sex obsessed (I don't) and he sees himself as too much the other way but is unwilling to do anything about it. As such my confidence is taking a battering. I have to decide can we find a way through this or do I walk away.

Sometimes it's just not possible to make things work with someone who is just not sexually compatible and I don't mean in terms of range of experience but if there if it is a case of once a week is to little for one person while once a week is too much for the other I would say it's pretty doomed unless there is drastic change and both have to want it.

McGinty wrote: »

As such my confidence is taking a battering. I have to decide can we find a way through this or do I walk away.

Honey for your own sake and sanity you might have to.

McGinty wrote: »

Apart from agreeing with him, yes I shouldn't sulk, that I don't mean to make him feel bad or less of a man, that I love him dearly and desire him a huge amount I cannot help feeling resentful. I try to work on it but it just comes. I honestly do not know what to do about it. As I said he has worked on other issues since we have moved in together and I wonder if I am patient he could work on this but in the meantime I need a way to handle myself when he rejects me sexually.

ok but

McGinty wrote: »

I am also bothered that he sees me as some sort of deviant, he said yesterday that aspect of me makes him feel sick but he is with me because he loves me,

See imho you don't say that to people that you love, end of.

Your sexuality is part of who you are and having someone say that it is the
problem with your or with the relationship or that it sickens them is as far as I am concerned such a slap in the face and who wants to be flinching expecting such a slap in the face every time you get into bed with the person who you love and says loves you ?

McGinty wrote: »

that I put sex at the top of the list, and that I need to be '****ed' a lot, I find that kind of talk derogatory and extremely hurtful which I said to him.

Nothing wrong with a high sex drive esp if you are with the right partner.
Personally those terms, those words would not upset me but then again
I am not sensitive about my needs and accepted them long ago.

But if I was and a partner who wasn't putting out was using them to upset me and put me of wanting sex and was trying to debase me in that way I would not be pleased, been there done that and spent too many nights either seething with resentment or crying with rejection in the other side of the bed while they rolled over and slept.

McGinty wrote: »

I said I want him a lot because I find him desirable and I love him.

I don't doubt that for a heart beat, tbh you'd need to in order to put up with that but how much of a sadomasochist are you ? and how much of that love and desire is returned ?

McGinty wrote: »

I also added that prior to him I was celibate for a very long time.

Tbh that is often better to be not getting any at all instead of only getting some on limited terms dictated by someone else, doled out in such away that they have control and they set the terms.

McGinty wrote: »

Am I overeacting? Oh and as to your tip re: glossing my sexual past, I did. If he knew the truth he would not be able to handle it.I am not proud of it but it is there.

Most men esp irish men over a certain age just can not cope/deal with a woman who is and who was sexually adventurous. They really suffer from the maddona / whore complex. Esp if you let them know that you have big doubts or regrets they get on their high horses and will ride all over you with out actually giving you 'the riding' you need.

McGinty wrote: »

Sexually I know he is immature and he has a huge number of issues, I know he is projecting them onto me,

Well that is a good start, you can know in yourself it's not you or your issue but his but you have to then not take it on. Which is very hard when it is in your face and being blamed on you.

McGinty wrote: »

at the moment I haven't found a way for him to see it in himself,

You can't. You can't make that happen or force it to happen or make him understand, there none so blind then those who will not see. It's easier to
blame you and make it about you and your issues and your flaws, faults and failings that way he never has to look to himself.

McGinty wrote: »

I don't know if cafecolour is right in that my admitting a weakness is bringing the bully out in him, whilst the focus is on me he can avoid his own crap.

In a nutshell.

Thing is you have always come across as a very strong person.
That was prolly something that attracted him to you and no he sees the struggles which have made you strong and he can't cope with that.
He could not do it and that makes him feel less and it seems he may have
expected you be strong enough for him to lean on and did not expect that to be a two way street.

If you want to know a person and live with them, but know that who they are
when they are not in the safety and security of their home is different.
Some people can't accept the level of vulnerability that comes with being
in that type of a relationship. They want in but when they get there it's not what they expect and that causes resentment.

McGinty wrote: »

Anyhow it is not straight forward, I should add that he met me as I was making changes, and I still am. I spent several years alone sorting my head out, there was a lot to sort out. I need to look at this calmly, develop more of a backbone (this I do find hard) and do a lot of soul searching. Thanks to everyone for their help in this, it has helped talking about it.

Well done on getting to were you are, I am aware of some of the things you have been working on and really lady kudos to you.

You do need to find your feet and establish boundaries even with those you love, this can be very hard when it's an ingrained pattern and if when you give yourself to someone you do so completely.

The best and longest lasting relationship which is the on worth protecting and investing in is the one with yourself. You have to value you and not do things to yourself that you would not do to others or let others to do someone you care about. Care and love and desire yourself and your development not to let someone abuse you while saying they love you or in debasing yourself to make yourself 'fit' for their love.

Love is not abuse.

McGinty

Thaedyal

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

But if I was and a partner who wasn't putting out was using them to upset me and put me of wanting sex and was trying to debase me in that way I would not be pleased, been there done that and spent too many nights either seething with resentment or crying with rejection in the other side of the bed while they rolled over and slept.

That is pretty much how things have been since we moved in together. Prior to us living together he was all over me, I thought I was living with a passionate, sexual man. Since moving in together it has changed drastically. My experience is pretty much the above.

IF you were to reverse the genders there it's really not that unusual,
been there myself it is not fun what so ever and can really be hurtful
to be sexually rejected by the person who is mean to want and love you
and makes you feel well like a slut for wanting sex, with your own partner
in the context of your own relationship, which is never good.

This is going to sound weird, but I feel like I am the man in this relationship, he is into shopping (I am not that much). I was chasing him sexually, he is like a frightened woman.

He was attracted to my strength, you are right there Thaedyal, you so hit the nail on the head, he often uses language like I have saved him, I have given him life, etc. It is a lot about what I bring into his life. He says I make him happy etc, and make him feel alive. I have over the years attracted weak men who seek to lean themselves on me and then they discover, well, my shoulders are not wide enough. I deeply appreciate you pointing this out to me. I suspected it, but didn't fully see it. My partner thought I'd save him and transport him to happy land, that is not true, I know I can't, heck I can't do it for me, let alone another.

Your sexuality is part of who you are and having someone say that it is the problem with your or with the relationship or that it sickens them is as far as I am concerned such a slap in the face and who wants to be flinching expecting such a slap in the face every time you get into bed with the person who you love and says loves you ?

When he said that yesterday, I felt winded, and I still do. I don't know if I can get past that. I certaintly have no desire for him so maybe he got his wish.

Most men esp irish men over a certain age just can not cope/deal with a woman who is and who was sexually adventurous. They really suffer from the maddona / whore complex. Esp if you let them know that you have big doubts or regrets they get on their high horses and will ride all over you with out actually giving you 'the riding' you need.

I have to say I had a good laugh about the above quote, so thank you, I have a dark humour, and it was nice to laugh. So irrespective of your excellent advice, thank you for the laughter.

The best and longest lasting relationship which is the on worth protecting and investing in is the one with yourself. You have to value you and not do things to yourself that you would not do to others or let others to do someone you care about. Care and love and desire yourself and your development not to let someone abuse you while saying they love you or in debasing yourself to make yourself 'fit' for their love.

Love is not abuse.

Thank you, deep down I know.

Nevyn

McGinty wrote: »

This is going to sound weird, but I feel like I am the man in this relationship, he is into shopping (I am not that much). I was chasing him sexually, he is like a frightened woman.

Oh I know that feeling from time to time, but finding someone that compliments the different aspects of you can be a wonderful thing.

McGinty wrote: »

He was attracted to my strength, you are right there Thaedyal, you so hit the nail on the head, he often uses language like I have saved him, I have given him life, etc. It is a lot about what I bring into his life. He says I make him happy etc, and make him feel alive.

That is something that would be setting of the largest and loudest alarm bells in my head. I've heard all that before, really they make you responsible for their happiness and abdicate any responsibility and there for when they are unhappy it's your fault.

You can't be someone's happiness or responsible for their happiness,
you can add to it sure and be respectful of it but you can't be their happiness.

McGinty wrote: »

I have over the years attracted weak men who seek to lean themselves on me and then they discover, well, my shoulders are not wide enough. I deeply appreciate you pointing this out to me. I suspected it, but didn't fully see it. My partner thought I'd save him and transport him to happy land, that is not true, I know I can't, heck I can't do it for me, let alone another.

As I said recently to someone do not try to make me your savior I am too busy trying to save myself (usually from myself but still ) and you need to learn how to do that for yourself.

McGinty wrote: »

When he said that yesterday, I felt winded, and I still do. I don't know if I can get past that. I certaintly have no desire for him so maybe he got his wish.

:mad::(

McGinty wrote: »

I have to say I had a good laugh about the above quote, so thank you, I have a dark humour, and it was nice to laugh. So irrespective of your excellent advice, thank you for the laughter.

Some times the only defense against such absurdity is to laugh,
either that or go mad and laugh anyway.

McGinty wrote: »

Thank you, deep down I know.

Everyone deserve to be loved and accepted but it's hard getting to that place in yourself and with others, keep at it you will get there.

"Keep pure your highest ideals;
strive ever towards them,
let nothing stop you or turn you aside. "

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

That is something that would be setting of the largest and loudest alarm bells in my head. I've heard all that before, really they make you responsible for their happiness and abdicate any responsibility and there for when they are unhappy it's your fault.

You can't be someone's happiness or responsible for their happiness,
you can add to it sure and be respectful of it but you can't be their happiness.

As I said recently to someone do not try to make me your savior I am too busy trying to save myself (usually from myself but still ) and you need to learn how to do that for yourself.

This says it all.

McGinty

Just to update, well, I have ended the relationship today, I had to, I know we are too incompatible and I was miserable, I feel sad now but I know it is not forever. We did talk extensively and through that talk I learned how much we are singing from different hymn sheets.

dudara

Sorry to hear that McGinty. Take care of yourself now.

sunflower352

Mc Ginty .... well bloody done, no one has to put up with that ****e !!

Good on you , you should be very proud of yourself , even though you may not feel like that now

Wibbs

Sorry to hear that too. It's always a damn pity when things go wrong and sad with it. It is just another step on the road and you have learned from it (and hopefully he will too). You will find a better place for yourself.

Nevyn

McGinty wrote: »

Just to update, well, I have ended the relationship today, I had to, I know we are too incompatible and I was miserable, I feel sad now but I know it is not forever.

McGinty wrote: »

We did talk extensively and through that talk I learned how much we are singing from different hymn sheets.

AT least you got some closure, well done on trying to sort it out and deal with it like an adult. Well done, sucks that you had to but well done.

Curvy Vixen

Well done on taking a positive step and gaining some control of your life back McGinty.

You're right, the sadness won't last forever...make sure to carry on the good work that you've obviously been doing with your own issues. Don't let this set you back...it's a positive step that's been taken. Sometimes the easiest thing to do, is to do nothing...

MJOR

Well done. You did the right thing for you both.

dbs_sailor

insta-dump

for the ipod **** alone.

[edit] should've read till the end of the thread. fair play to you, tho.