Bad behaviour

LegacyUser

Big mess over Christmas. Was down staying with my family. Brought my long term OH who they know but only on best behaviour. After being out drinking me and him had row which he blew out of proportion, started acting stupid and drank a load of spirits at my family home after every one in bed. Was then loud and abusive all night and messed up house. Even in morning he didn't handle it well and skulked off without thanks or apology.

I am so embarassed for him and me and my family. They are almost tea total and now think he's alco. My family are better people than that. Me and him in thirties they must think I've messed up my life being with him. I know he is a nice man. We do have sweet times together but this kid of thing happens every few months. Wouldn't be so bad if he's owned up and apologied. Instead of sulking. Also very upset for family cause they are not used to this kind of thing and were very welcoming to him. All my feelings are confused. So angry wondering should I break up over this. And how to fix this mess?

I feel like I have been dragged through mud and humiliated. Everyone will be worried for me now. Now I don't know if I could or should trust him with family again. Any thoughts?

LegacyUser

To me, pulling this kind of crap shows a huge amount of disrespect to both you and your family. If he was in his late teens or early twenties I might be a little more understanding, but to do it in your thirties and not even offer an apology to your family. Wow. Do you actually need someone to hang a big sign around his neck that says "ass-clown"?

Not that marriage and kids is for everyone, but if you are in your thirties you might be thinking about that kind of thing. If you can't trust this guy to behave himself around your family, how could you ever trust him with your children?

WexCan

One part of me is saying he's a tw*t for doing something like that in your family home.

The rest of me says it happens to a lot of families, doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just means he's a bit og an aggressive drunk which you need to sort between yourselves.

Easier said than done, but perhaps a wee sit down and chat, tell him how it made you feel and that you don't want your family to see that again, and tell him why.

MagicMarker

IMO, he was completely out of line and showed absolutely zero respect for your parents and their home, not to mention you, even worse was he wasn't man enough to apologise for his actions.

Absolutely deal breaker for me, no question.

ShawnRaven

Kick to the curb in my honest opinion. Everyone does stupid sh*t under the influence, some to higher degrees than others, but having no remorse or regret the following morning, especially regarding other peoples property, especially your family's. Then that's a big problem.

Because later on down the line, that could very well be your own place should a similar row arise.

Would make me think very hard in your situation, but it's your call at the end of the day.

LegacyUser

WexCan wrote: »

One part of me is saying he's a tw*t for doing something like that in your family home.

The rest of me says it happens to a lot of families, doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just means he's a bit og an aggressive drunk which you need to sort between yourselves.

.

I'm the OP, thanks for all replies.

WexCan what you're saying sums up my confusion. As someone else said as well if he was only man enough to apologise and deal with things. Instead he's 'shut down' - which I know means he's feeling guilty - and he's called my family 'uptight' though as far as I'm concerned he's in no position to criticise anyone.

I just don't know what to do. Am waiting for the post hangover, post crying calmness to settle in.... but this kind of thing has happened before. I've never brought him out with my colleagues for fear of this kind of thing even though it doesn't happen that often and he is usually fine. And yes we are at the trying for kids phase. I love him but I also know I'd be fine without him too. I don't know if I'm in this rel because of familiarity too. He is not very good at dealing with life... but is loving. ????

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm the OP, thanks for all replies.

WexCan what you're saying sums up my confusion. As someone else said as well if he was only man enough to apologise and deal with things. Instead he's 'shut down' - which I know means he's feeling guilty - and he's called my family 'uptight' though as far as I'm concerned he's in no position to criticise anyone.

I just don't know what to do. Am waiting for the post hangover, post crying calmness to settle in.... but this kind of thing has happened before. I've never brought him out with my colleagues for fear of this kind of thing even though it doesn't happen that often and he is usually fine. And yes we are at the trying for kids phase. I love him but I also know I'd be fine without him too. I don't know if I'm in this rel because of familiarity too. He is not very good at dealing with life... but is loving. ????

Loving alone is not a good enough reason to be with someone.

If this happens sporadically then he doesn't respect you, he's in his 30's and he's completely immature, sounds like he has a drinking problem, if this happens often then he should just not drink.

And you're trying for a baby!?!? Not to tell you what to do with your life, but that's crazy.

What happens when he gets drunk, becomes abusive and wrecks your home in front of the child? Is that the kind of environment you want for your children?

Fajitas!

Have you talked to your family about it?

What have they said?

Regardless of your next action, I'd be keeping him at arms length for the moment. That was a horrible, disrespectful course of action to take. Never mind doing it in your/his own home, but to do it in your family home is completely out of order.

Your family being uptight is no excuse nor easy reasoning for his behaviour, and I'd be sure to let him know that. Has this happened before? Is his general behaviour after taking alcohol quite aggressive?

madmik

christmas can be a difficult enough time to get through at the best of times

add in your wifes parents and a load of spirits and its a recipe for disaster

i doubt he did it on purpose

he probably feels terrible about it


just too proud/stubborn/hungover to appologise the next morning

i think he wouldnt do it again but its your decission to make if you want to give him another chance or not

impr0v

Unregistered wrote: »

I just don't know what to do. Am waiting for the post hangover, post crying calmness to settle in.... but this kind of thing has happened before. I've never brought him out with my colleagues for fear of this kind of thing even though it doesn't happen that often and he is usually fine. And yes we are at the trying for kids phase. I love him but I also know I'd be fine without him too. I don't know if I'm in this rel because of familiarity too. He is not very good at dealing with life... but is loving. ????

OP, while you may love him and love does involve accepting the fact that your OH will not be perfect, being afraid of bringing him out with your colleagues (and now your family) is too much accepting to do in my opinion.

It's very possible that he is a good person but to me it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, despite the fact that he's in his thirties. Anyone with an iota of cop-on would have saved the tantrum (no matter how much it was or was not warranted) for when you were on your own. If he's willing to obviously sabotage your family's respect for him you have to question how long-term his thinking is. Worst case scenario he could have politely made his excuses to your family, packed his bags and left early. Your family would have understood that couples have their difficulties, but they won't understand the course of action that he has taken.

Even if you can forgive him for this, you and he have an uphill task, to say the least, in trying to convince your family that he's a worthy partner for you. That kind of sentiment causes so many difficulties down the road that are so hard to foresee now.

If you do decide to give him a chance get him write to your family and apologise profusely. It has to be heartfelt and soon. If he won't do that, or see why he has to, then I think you're with the wrong person. His difficulties in dealing with life don't have to be yours.

LegacyUser

Its OP again.


Yeah its the dealing with life problem. Hmm. He didn't have the background I do, so he has and does struggle more... how often does he do this kind of thing? Maybe 10% of times drinking... so 90% fine? ?

But of course its not just that. He struggles generally with finding work (despite being a good worker) ... and gets stressed out more easily than some. Though thats no excuse for stupid behaviour things were going fine til the tantrum.

I've been back and forth to internet all morning while he's sleeping in (easier than facing the day oviously). His email was open. Yes I know its wrong but anyway. He is a generally good guy but I found some emails to his male friend abroad where he sounded really unhappy depressed, worried that I would leave him/ not sure we should be together & concerned that we're not getting pregnant (yr trying). I'm not going to mention email reading & won't look again. Now I'm worried about him as well as everything else. I don't know what the right thing for us is. Thanks for listening. Wish I could spend a few days alone but with friends on hols and the family nightmare don't have anywhere to go right now

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

Big mess over Christmas. Was down staying with my family. Brought my long term OH who they know but only on best behaviour. After being out drinking me and him had row which he blew out of proportion, started acting stupid and drank a load of spirits at my family home after every one in bed. Was then loud and abusive all night and messed up house. Even in morning he didn't handle it well and skulked off without thanks or apology.

It's pretty evident that this Neanderthal doesn't give two flying f8cks about you or your family, what a disrespectful way to behave....and then not even show any remorse!!! Show him the red card girl.

Dizzyblonde

It sounds as though you're staying with him as much out of pity as anything else. His behaviour was out of line, and he's avoiding dealing with it. If you have children will he bury his head in the sand when times are tough and leave you to deal with everything?
I'm suspicious about his email being left open - do you think he might have wanted you to read them? I've seen relationships where one person treats the other badly and plays the 'poor me, I'll die if you leave me' card
Please think long and hard before having children with this man and commit to spending your life with him. A good relationship shouldn't be this hard to make work.

LegacyUser

Hi there well I am gonna say what you probably don't want to hear....get rid of him ASAP.

You have to love yourself before you can be a successful parent to a child, and right now by tolerating this bad behaviour you are disrespecting YOURSELF besides allowing him to
disrespect the people who raised you.

He is immature and unfit to be a father. If you put up with him you will shed lonely tears one day when you have to leave him, I only hope that you are not a single parent when you finally wake up and act like a grown-up.

neuro-praxis

It is obvious you love him and are a giving and tolerant person. At what point though do you become a doormat?

It sounds like your boyfriend has a problem with alcohol and anger. Nobody I know has ever behaved the way your partner has. I cannot imagine my own husband behaving in this way, especially not in my parents' home.

If you decide to stay with him (and personally I wouldn't), he needs to give up drinking, and apologise to everyone who has been on the receiving end of this outrageous behaviour.

Untense

If he's got a repeating problem it's his responsibility to get it sorted. If it's an alcohol problem, tell him to give up the drink. If it's a general anger problem, tell him go do something address that.
Smashing things and shoutting is not fair behaviour whatever the excuse.

If he's unprepared to make the changes I would ask could you live with that for the rest of your life, or have that around your kids?

shinny

Not to be harsh but it sounds like you are making excuse after excuse for him.

I'd have a very serious chat with him about his carry on and tell him that unless he gets help, you are leaving.

Honestly, if you are afraid to bring him out with work colleagues then it's more than 10% of the time that this happens.

Really try to distance yourself from situation, for a moment, and think what you would tell your best friend to do in this situation.

Good luck. Such a horrible thing to happen over the Christmas.

rs

so let's take a cold hard look at the situation. Your boyfriend

1. Gets hammered in your family home and makes a mess of the place and then does not even apologize to you or you family. In fact insults your family and calls them uptight.

2. Does this often enough that you are embarressd to bring him out with your work collegues.

3. Has consistent difficulty holding down a job

Now imagine your sister was dating someone who matched all of the above. How would you feel when she said she wanted to have kids with him. Just think about that for a while. If he cant hadle life as it is then let me assure you that adding a baby into the picture is only going to make things worse for all of you.

Take your heart out of the picture for a minute and look at the situation with your head.

Donotpassgo

Wow OP,
This guy sounds a bit of a mess,
I didn't have a perfect upbringing myself, there was a lot crap going on
but my husband did have that 'perfect family' and there would be absolutely no way that I would disrespect myself by getting drunk and acting the maggot in their home just because I 'had a hard time in life' etc.
He disrespected you, he disrespected your family, and this, in my opinion, shows how little he cares for you - no matter what his troubles are.
If I were you I'd give him the boot.

You obviously come from a nice home, cherish that and make sure your next boyfriend cherishes it too.

cafecolour

Unregistered wrote: »

.... but this kind of thing has happened before. I've never brought him out with my colleagues for fear of this kind of thing even though it doesn't happen that often and he is usually fine.

If this happens often enough and bad enough that you won't bring your SO out with co-workers, and you are in your thirties, I'm going to actually say he does have a problem, and probably shouldn't be drinking.

What are these episodes like - is there a possibility he as a low-lying mental illness (ie mild schizophrenia or such) and these are psychotic episodes brought on by the drink?

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

What are these episodes like - is there a possibility he as a low-lying mental illness (ie mild schizophrenia or such) and these are psychotic episodes brought on by the drink?

OP here.
I don't think so. He certainly has an anger problem though. He is usually quite easy going the rest of the time but the last few months has seen quite a few incidents. He's also had work trouble alot in that time.

TBH I am having other issues too. An ex has made it known that he is still here for me and wants the same things as me. An ex that I like. I am tempted to jump ship but also scared of change. The ex is considering going abroad so that option will no be there forever. It is a real option however.

Also afraid that I'm not doing everything I can to make my relationship with OH good for that reason. We're now into day 3/4 of a stand off over the incident. He's refusing to talk but because I can't/won't also tell him about the ex and other things on my mind he doesn't realise what thin ice we're on.
I don't know if its right to give up on this relationship or if it will always be 'ok' with the odd embarassing outburst. Or if I'm just letting my head get turned. I also feel a bit trapped. All the savings etc. are mine which shouldn't matter but everything tends to be funded by me. Maybe this is a temporary situ but has gone on a long time. We have very good times as well of course. I know that we love each other and I really don't want to hurt him. ? Am very conscious of being in thirties and knowing that what I do now is the path I/we are on for the long haul so terrified of making the wrong move & also terrified of not doing anything. ?

My head is a jumble.

Gemini Sister

Is the other guy genuine?

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

After being out drinking me and him had row which he blew out of proportion, started acting stupid and drank a load of spirits at my family home after every one in bed. Was then loud and abusive all night and messed up house. Even in morning he didn't handle it well and skulked off without thanks or apology.

I feel like I have been dragged through mud and humiliated. Everyone will be worried for me now. Now I don't know if I could or should trust him with family again. Any thoughts?

He's refusing to talk eh? Time to tell him straight, he either talks now because you are not going to continue walking around on egg shells.
You need to tell him the above and what this has done to you and what your family now think of him. He needs to be told to man up and apologise.

I know he is a nice man. We do have sweet times together but this kid of thing happens every few months.

These things sometimes happen, but it would appear to be a fairly regular thing if it's going on every few months. I would be telling him that it stops now, that he either does something about his problem (because he does have one) or you are walking.
I for one wouldn't put up with sh!t like that on a regular basis.
A trip to the doctor might be in order.

Jaysoose

You need to get rid of this guy as he obviously has no respect for anybody if he cant even take it easy on the booze for one night when he is in your parents company, the easiest thing to do would be have a few pints and then go to bed but he chose to get wrecked and ruin the whole visit for both of you. At the end of the day it boils down to him being selfish and quite cowardly as he is obviously not going to man up for his actions and leave you to carry the can, which will lead to him doing it again and again until something is done.

He sounds like he needs to work some things out himself and as for having children, he obviously isnt mature enough for that.

cantdecide

MagicMarker wrote: »

IMO, he was completely out of line and showed absolutely zero respect for your parents and their home, not to mention you, even worse was he wasn't man enough to apologise for his actions.

Absolutely deal breaker for me, no question.

Very predictable response from you at this stage.

Unfortunately people can't be shot, drowned or cast into bottomless pits for being (totally) unreasonable and childish. He got drunk and agressive and then sulked. Aggresive when drunk coupled with foolish pride. If the OP convinced the OH that out of sheer fear of agression, drinking to him should only be something that other people do, that would solve most the problem in all likelihood.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

MagicMarker

cantdecide wrote: »

Very predictable response from you at this stage.

Hot diggity damn!! And here was me trying to be innovative.

cantdecide wrote: »

Unfortunately people can't be shot, drowned or cast into bottomless pits for being (totally) unreasonable and childish.

It's a good thing no one has suggested those things then isn't it? Besides, I think it's against the charter.

cantdecide wrote: »

He got drunk and agressive and then sulked. Aggresive when drunk coupled with foolish pride. If the OP convinced the OH that out of sheer fear of agression, drinking to him should only be something that other people do, that would solve most the problem in all likelihood.

He didn't just get drunk and aggressive. He was loud and messed up the house, a house belonging to his girlfriend's family. The man is in his 30's ffs! This has happened before, anyone with a bit of cop on would at least come to the conclusion that it might be a bad idea to get shít faced in the house that was not his own!

The lack of respect shown towards his girlfriend and her family is a direct reflection on how much of a selfish, careless child he is. He should learn to grow up before pursuing an adult relationship. He could start by being man enough to apologise.

LegacyUser

OP here.


Thanks for replies. Some progress since. We did have a conversation last night, very angry on his part. He's not prepared to apologise to family. He did say sorry in the morning before skulking off and he thinks thats enough. He says I'm 50% responsible for 'keeping him out drinking' in the hours before the mad behaviour! But he is prepared to quit drinking for the foreseeable future but not quit smoking hash (different issue I know). The tone is all very angry. All in all this means that we can't socialise anymore, at least not togther, so our world is now shrinking even more. Though I realise there isn't much choice about it.

I need to make a decision to stick with this or move on as discussed. At the moment I'm leaning towards moving on. I don't know if I'm currently strong enough to break up with him. As I've said underneath it all I know he is a good guy and despite everything I don't want to hurt him. He is australian so If we break up there is a good chance I'll never see him again and I can't seem to handle that idea. But right now I'm being given an opportunity to chance my life. Christmas with him was intolerable. Living with him generally is ok. Its a long story but basically I withdrew from the ex in this story to get back with OH after a break up (few yrs ago) ...How do you make a decision that big?

TheBlock

OP Your OH has acted the total twat, he should apologise to both you and your family and control his drinking in future. You need to decide if you want to stay with him, from your posts on this thread that is not looking likely. Just a few things that he may be thinking and these by no means are excuses for his behaviour but the only way you will get through this together is to talk about your relationship.

He may feel like he is not good enough for you or your family hence drinking to excess in their company (low self esteem)

He is having difficulty with holding down work (hence you are providing for him ocassionally some men feel this lessens thier masculinity)

You are having difficulty concieving and he may again feel this is his fault.

All savings etc are Yours and everything is funded by you he may be questioning what he is bringing to this partnership.

Best of luck.My main advice would be to confront him and ensure he understands that the relationship is approching tipping piont and that this will not blow over. You both need to be more open if you want it to work long term.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.


Thanks for replies. Some progress since. We did have a conversation last night, very angry on his part. He's not prepared to apologise to family. He did say sorry in the morning before skulking off and he thinks thats enough. He says I'm 50% responsible for 'keeping him out drinking' in the hours before the mad behaviour! But he is prepared to quit drinking for the foreseeable future but not quit smoking hash (different issue I know). The tone is all very angry. All in all this means that we can't socialise anymore, at least not togther, so our world is now shrinking even more. Though I realise there isn't much choice about it.

I need to make a decision to stick with this or move on as discussed. At the moment I'm leaning towards moving on. I don't know if I'm currently strong enough to break up with him. As I've said underneath it all I know he is a good guy and despite everything I don't want to hurt him. He is australian so If we break up there is a good chance I'll never see him again and I can't seem to handle that idea. But right now I'm being given an opportunity to chance my life. Christmas with him was intolerable. Living with him generally is ok. Its a long story but basically I withdrew from the ex in this story to get back with OH after a break up (few yrs ago) ...How do you make a decision that big?

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a waster.

At the very least, you should stop trying to conceive with him.

LegacyUser

TheBlock wrote: »

He may feel like he is not good enough for you or your family hence drinking to excess in their company (low self esteem)

He is having difficulty with holding down work (hence you are providing for him ocassionally some men feel this lessens thier masculinity)

You are having difficulty concieving and he may again feel this is his fault.

All savings etc are Yours and everything is funded by you he may be questioning what he is bringing to this partnership.

I agree that these may all be reasons for a man acting the way the OPs OH acts - but really they're HIS issues. It's not fair to expect a woman to have to put up with this kind of b0ll0x because the guy feels inadequate/inferior... Don't get me wrong, my heart goes out to any man who feels this way - but seriously - he's in his 30's... if he feels that acting like a spoiled kid is a solution to his problems, then what kind of a father is he going to be?? Having a child requires both parents to be responsible, willing to face challenges head on no matter how their ego is feeling, and willing to step up to the plate and do whatever is required of them for their childs' sake, and the guy in question obviously is not.

madmik

if hes still not appologised to them after this long id get rid of him

its one thing not appologising when drunk/hungover etc


but its completely a differnt matter if hes still not made amends after this long

also replacing an alcohol problem with smoking hash is not a viable or long term solution