I think my boyfriend is in love with his female friend

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are a pretty average couple, we have the odd row every now and then.

Recently a new girl has started hanging around with our group of friends. I have noticed my boyfriend and her get into a lot of playful "slagging" and teasing and have a lot of in-jokes etc.

My boyfriend is a natural flirt and so is this girl. I have heard that they often play-wrestle etc and he pinches her and stuff.

He tells me he loves me but I am beginning to feel very uncomfortable.
I have suspicions that besides all this, he is telling her things about our relationship. We recently had a pregnancy scare but the test was negative. He was on his laptop one evening and left the room to get a drink. I wasn't snooping but I saw an email on his screen from her saying "so are you relieved you're not going to be a daddy".

I must admit I can be a little possessive at times but I am not comfortable with how close they seem to be getting.

Has anyone any advice?

MagicMarker

Does he get into a lot of playful slagging with his male friends?
Does he have 'in-jokes' with his male friends?

Generally, when you think you could become a father, it's naturally to look for reassurance from friends. Did you tell any of your friends you may have been pregnant?

You admit you are possessive at times, and now you're jealous because he has a friend who happens to be a girl. What's even more out there is from the above facts you've determined that he is in fact in love with her!!

If you trust him then you need to work on your insecurities. If you don't trust him then you need to leave him.

LolaLuv

Sorry, but if my bf were wrestling with a girl and pinching her (depending on where. better not be the ass), I'd definitely have a problem with it. When you say "wrestling" I'm imagining full on body to body contact. That's just too much. Have you spoken to him about how it makes you uncomfortable? That would be step number one. Everything else seems pretty innocent, but certainly annoying.

Azureus

thats just basic flirting and sorry but i dont think its too possessive to not want your bf to act like that with another girl. its disrespectful to your feelings, even if there is nothing (which is probably the case) to it. this only really applies if you say (calmly and non accusingly) to him that it bothers you. hopefully then he will cut it out.
as for the message on his computer that could have been from a guy/girl/anybody, its natural to tell your friends about that kinda thing so i wouldnt worry about that at all! im ure you have guy friends you tell a lot to also.

LegacyUser

See part of the problem is that I think she fancies him. He has plenty of female friends but seems particularly close to this girl.

Sephiroth_dude

talk to him tell him how uncomfortable this all makes you feel,see what he has to say and take it from there.

star-pants

I would agree - seems the flirting is a bit too much (for you). If I were in your situation I'd be uncomfortable if my boyfriend was play fighting etc with a new female friend. Not that I'd stop him making new friends btw.
I'm close friends with some guys and we have our 'in jokes' etc, but I wouldn't have that kind of physical messing with them, and I would be conscious of myself around their other half (just so as not to cause any uncomfortableness for them).

Perhaps talk to him about it, in a gentle way, he may not realise how it's being percieved by you.

dudara

I suppose that you need to let him know how this behaviour is making you feel - i.e. that you are uncomfortable with the play-acting and the revealing of personal secrets.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
He knows full well that I would be angry at him grabbing her, wrestling with her etc and telling her personal things.
We had a similar issue a year or so back with another girl where he was doing the same thing- wrestling, teasing, and we had huge rows over it. He was also telling her every detail of every argument we had. Stuff I wanted to be kept private. Eventually the rows got so bad that he stopped.

He is also texting this new girl a lot and it seems to always be at night. We would be watching TV and his phone is constantly going off. I could be trying to talk to him about something but he is texting her.

I just feel like she is completely stepping on my toes and I feel she is very cheeky to be teasing him etc in front of me.

dublinpd

If he know all that, have you asked why is he still doing? Have you let him know how angry or embarrassed you are?
Personally if you tell someone you like no to do something you don't like and he/she is still doing it means something.
Maybe he's not happy at all in the relationship, maybe he's flirting. or even a simple unconscious message to ask your attention.

epictetus2009

You havent mentioned whether you still are in love with him. Is it just an accessory..having a bf.

The behaviour of the bf is way off the mark of a solid relationship. It is cheeky and if that was my partner i would have it out with that person bigtime. Being physically intimate and emotionally intimate with someone outside the relationship is straying.

When the arguments outweight the good times or the good times are none then you have to ask yourself the question... what am i doing here? Add them up and listen to your closest friends unless they are 17yrs old etc.. and havent much sense.

MagicMarker

epictetus2009 wrote: »

Being physically intimate and emotionally intimate with someone outside the relationship is straying.

Hold on a second! The boyfriend is not being physically or emotionally intimate with anyone!

OP, other than the thread title you haven't mentioned any concerns regarding your boyfriend cheating on you.

Here's what we know so far...

Your boyfriend is friends with a girl.
They're ''chummy'', sharing jokes and playing about, which I might add you ''heard'' from your friends. So excuse me if I think you've blown that aspect out of proportion.
He shared information about your relationship with his friend.
You are possessive.
You read your boyfriends email.
This has happened before, but because of your constant arguing he was forced to stop.

I'm sorry, but you seem way to clingy tbh.

If you genuinely feel that your boyfriend is in love with his friend, then quite frankly, what the hell are you still doing with him?

nomorebadtown

I wouldn't completely agree MagicMarker,

In an ideal world, yes, we could all flirt and wrestle with whoever and share intimate details about our personal relationships with friends and eveything is fine and dandy so long as you dont kiss or have sex. In reality however, it's not really on. This lad has a girlfriend and therefore wrestling and pinching and flirting with another girl so blatantly simply isn't cricket. He is going out with the OP and should save all his touchy feely play for her.

On the other hand, OP, you should not be reading his emails, this will push him away very fast and is the start of psycho-bitch territory. All you can do is tell him that his carry on with this girls makes you uncomfortable and upsets you. If he respects your feelings, he'll tone it down.

MagicMarker

nomorebadtown wrote: »

I wouldn't completely agree MagicMarker,

In an ideal world, yes, we could all flirt and wrestle with whoever and share intimate details about our personal relationships with friends and eveything is fine and dandy so long as you dont kiss or have sex. In reality however, it's not really on. This lad has a girlfriend and therefore wrestling and pinching and flirting with another girl so blatantly simply isn't cricket. He is going out with the OP and should save all his touchy feely play for her.

I assume this goes for his male friends as well? Why is it flirting when it's with a girl, but it's acceptable when with a guy? Maybe, as far as the boyfriend and his friend is concerned, they're not flirting?

nomorebadtown

MagicMarker wrote: »

Why is it flirting when it's with a girl, but it's acceptable when with a guy? Maybe, as far as the boyfriend and his friend is concerned, they're not flirting?

gerrup outa dat, i dont want to get into the whole harry/sally argument here but of course its different. Even if its all totally innocent, its clearly making the OP uncomfortable and that should be enough of a motivation for him to cut it out. If its not, then OP....you have your answer.

MagicMarker

nomorebadtown wrote: »

gerrup outa dat, i dont want to get into the whole harry/sally argument here but of course its different. Even if its all totally innocent, its clearly making the OP uncomfortable and that should be enough of a motivation for him to cut it out. If its not, then OP....you have your answer.

If it's totally innocent he should stop because she doesn't like it? That's excellent logic, why doesn't he stop talking to women altogether? Maybe he should show her every text message from now on so she can approve before it's sent? Just in case it makes her feel uncomfortable?

If she thinks he's just being too friendly for HER liking, then she should work on her insecurities, her possessiveness, her reading her boyfriends emails and her dictating how her boyfriend behaves around his friends and realise that her boyfriend is with HER.

If the OP suspects her boyfriend of cheating, then she should leave. Plain and simple.

nomorebadtown

yep as i've said the OP needs to avoid the insecure reading of emails carry on but I also believe that compromise is important in any relationship. So the OP is insecure. Big deal. Most people are to some extent. This guy will have to travel far and wide to find a girl who is completely happy and secure in every aspect of her life and even further to find a girl who is cool with him frequently wrestleing other women, even if it is all platonic. If he loves her and is serious about their relationship, he will be sensitive to her needs and try and work things out. That's what adults do.

MagicMarker

nomorebadtown wrote: »

yep as i've said the OP needs to avoid the insecure reading of emails carry on but I also believe that compromise is important in any relationship. So the OP is insecure. Big deal. Most people are to some extent. This guy will have to travel far and wide to find a girl who is completely happy and secure in every aspect of her life and even further to find a girl who is cool with him frequently wrestleing other women, even if it is all platonic. If he loves her and is serious about their relationship, he will be sensitive to her needs and try and work things out. That's what adults do.

Compromises are needed in a relationship sometimes, but sometimes 1 person can be unreasonable.

Like I said, if the OP genuinely believes her boyfriend to be in love with his friend, then she should leave him, no compromise needed. If she genuinely believed that this behaviour is a result of something more than friendship, then she should leave him.

However, if their relationship is plutonic, and if all this is a result of her jealousy, then that's HER issue. No person should have to change anything about their character because of the jealousy of another person. That's being unreasonable.

implausible

MagicMarker wrote: »

However, if their relationship is plutonic, and if all this is a result of her jealousy, then that's HER issue. No person should have to change anything about their character because of the jealousy of another person. That's being unreasonable.

They're from Pluto??

I disagree there magicmarker- it's not his character that he needs to change because of her jealousy; it's his behaviour that needs to change in order to take his girlf's feelings into account.

I don't think you sound unreasonable OP. My OH sharing secrets with another woman would be as hurtful as him doing the dirt. You need to bring this up with him this but DO NOT mention reading the email - that's stepping into bunny-boiler territory (at least that's what he'll think).

I would agree with one of the posters above that she probably fancies him, maybe this is how you could approach it - "I know you wouldn't do anything but I think your behaviour may be giving her the wrong idea..."

MagicMarker

deemark wrote: »

They're from Pluto??

I disagree there magicmarker- it's not his character that he needs to change because of her jealousy; it's his behaviour that needs to change in order to take his girlf's feelings into account.

But it's fine if he's like that with his male friends? Do you not see the double standard there?

To call his behaviour wrong just because it's with a girl and not with a guy is ridiculous tbh. If they're just friends then they're just friends, gender shouldn't come into play. The op doesn't have a problem with her boyfriend's behaviour, she has a problem with who that behaviour is with.

It's absurd tbh.

fuzzywiggle

Just say it out to him. Try not to sound like the over jealous girlfriend. Just say it makes you uncomfortable and how would he feel if you were wrestling around with another man and confiding in him. They may just be friends, maybe he'd like a female opinion or something but just tell him how you feel and see what he says.

nomorebadtown

MagicMarker wrote: »

But it's fine if he's like that with his male friends? Do you not see the double standard there?

The OPs bf is a straight male who is wrestling, pinching and flirting with a girl. i'm sorry but its not the same at all.

implausible

MagicMarker wrote: »

If they're just friends then they're just friends, gender shouldn't come into play.

yeah, in an ideal world! fellas play-fighting is horseplay, a fella and a girl is often foreplay.

Incidentally, I would have a problem with my OH sharing secrets with a male friend too. It's a trust issue.

MagicMarker

nomorebadtown wrote: »

The OPs bf is a straight male who is wrestling, pinching and flirting with a girl. i'm sorry but its not the same at all.

If they're just friends, then it's exactly the same.

MagicMarker

deemark wrote: »

yeah, in an ideal world! fellas play-fighting is horseplay, a fella and a girl is often foreplay.

Incidentally, I would have a problem with my OH sharing secrets with a male friend too. It's a trust issue.

It's often foreplay? Feel free to back that up, or is it just a wild generalization?

Some people seem unable to comprehend that sometimes a guy and a girl can be just friends.

implausible

It's the oldest tactic in the book, more often seen in teenagers. did you never pull the hair or pinch the ass of a girl you fancied?!

But it's fine if he's like that with his male friends? Do you not see the double standard there?

To call his behaviour wrong just because it's with a girl and not with a guy is ridiculous tbh. If they're just friends then they're just friends, gender shouldn't come into play. The op doesn't have a problem with her boyfriend's behaviour, she has a problem with who that behaviour is with.

Are you serious? It's TOTALLY different if it's someone of the opposite sex. It's totally relevant that this girl is flirty and he tells her personal stuff about the relationship. That is completely unacceptable, IMO. From my own experience, if you feel something is up, something usually is up. My ex used to get flirty texts from this girl, went to visit her, was very playful with her. I was suspicious but tried not to say anything because I didn't want to seem like a bunny boiler. I had such a niggling feeling though, one day I checked his messages while he was in the shower, and he HAD cheated on me with her. I felt like such an idiot. Deep down I knew something was amiss, but I kept thinking 'he wouldn't do that', 'he loves me' etc. He didn't even have the balls to tell me, if I hadn't snooped, I'd still be none the wiser.

It could be different if this girl was a longtime or childhood friend, or a good friend of both of you, but that isn't the situation here. I think she IS stepping on your toes big time. Would YOU behave like that with a guy who has a girlfriend? I certainly wouldn't.

MagicMarker

deemark wrote: »

It's the oldest tactic in the book, more often seen in teenagers. did you never pull the hair or pinch the ass of a girl you fancied?!

Actually, no. Did the OP say he pinched his friends ass or pull her hair?

[quote=[Deleted User];58407358]Are you serious? It's TOTALLY different if it's someone of the opposite sex. It's totally relevant that this girl is flirty and he tells her personal stuff about the relationship. That is completely unacceptable, IMO. From my own experience, if you feel something is up, something usually is up. My ex used to get flirty texts from this girl, went to visit her, was very playful with her. I was suspicious but tried not to say anything because I didn't want to seem like a bunny boiler. I had such a niggling feeling though, one day I checked his messages while he was in the shower, and he HAD cheated on me with her. I felt like such an idiot. Deep down I knew something was amiss, but I kept thinking 'he wouldn't do that', 'he loves me' etc. He didn't even have the balls to tell me, if I hadn't snooped, I'd still be none the wiser.

It could be different if this girl was a longtime or childhood friend, or a good friend of both of you, but that isn't the situation here. I think she IS stepping on your toes big time. Would YOU behave like that with a guy who has a girlfriend? I certainly wouldn't.[/QUOTE]

Like I've said for the MILLIONTH time now, if she feels they're acting this way out of something more than just friendship then she should break up with him, she'd be an idiot for even thinking twice about it!

What I'm saying is if they're JUST FRIENDS then he shouldn't have to change the way he acts just because his girlfriend is jealous and possessive.

How is that hard for anyone to understand?

implausible

MagicMarker wrote: »

Actually, no. Did the OP say he pinched his friends ass or pull her hair?

I was giving an example of how horseplay can often be something else!


Magicmarker's advice seems to be as follows: he hasn't done anything wrong but you should dump him because you thinks he has. How does that make sense?

MagicMarker

deemark wrote: »

Magicmarker's advice seems to be as follows: he hasn't done anything wrong but you should dump him because you thinks he has. How does that make sense?

WTF are you talking about?

If you think your partner is intentionally 'flirting' with someone who you think they may be ''in love'' with, then why the fúck would you want to be in a relationship with that person? I think it's a no brainer that you need to take yourself out of the equation immediately.

I don't know, maybe I'm the only one on this thread that wouldn't allow themselves to be treated like shít?

However, if you think your BF is just too friendly with a person who happens to have a vagina, but you don't think he's cheating or has any intention of cheating, then quite frankly, get the fúck over it. In the end you'll do your relationship more harm than good if you can't just accept that they're friends. Last time the OP nagged so much that he stopped, next time he might just say ''fúck this, I don't need to take this shíte anymore'' and realise that yes, believe it or not, but there are perfectly stable women out there that are comfortable in their own skin not to give me grief about who I hang out with or how I interact with them.

If the OP told us that this girl ''friend'' of her boyfriends was 7 foot tall, 400lbs with a voice like Barry White, would you all still think it was inappropriate behaviour? Absolutely fúcking not.

It's time to get a grip on reality folks, and not let your own insecurities blind you.

Like I've said for the MILLIONTH time now, if she feels they're acting this way out of something more than just friendship then she should break up with him, she'd be an idiot for even thinking twice about it!

What I'm saying is if they're JUST FRIENDS then he shouldn't have to change the way he acts just because his girlfriend is jealous and possessive.

How is that hard for anyone to understand?

Nobody understands because it makes absolutely no sense. You're saying on one hand she should dump him if she feels it's more than just friendship, and on the other, that he's doing nothing wrong if they're just friends, and it's the girlfriend who's jealous and possessive. The point is, no matter what's going on with the other girl, his behaviour is inappropriate for someone with a girlfriend, and she's hardly a bunny boiler for being suspicious! Why do you seem to be putting it all on the girlfriend? The boyfriend's actions are making her feel this way - does he not have any responsibility to behave in a appropriate way? To consider her feelings? I don't see how you get out of this PI that the girlfriend is jealous or possessive - it's a normal reaction to at least suspect something is going on when your boyfriend is flirting with another girl all the time!

implausible

The OP is looking for advice, not to be told that she is either (a) an idiot for putting up with him or (b) jealous, possessive and unstable for getting worried about this issue.

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's time to get a grip on reality folks, and not let your own insecurities blind you.

And as for the reference to 'your own insecurities', there's no need to get personal! I referred to my own view to reassure the OP that she has a normal worry. You seem to be more focused on trying to make the OP feel like she's an insecure mess-hardly very helpful.