Jacks

hunter164

So I'm sitting here on the toilet, on the laptop. Brought a bottle of Stella and a turkey leg with me. So what to you bring to the toilet with you?

emeraldstar

Shit all.

Rabies

Its not what you bring, Its what you leave behind that counts.

themadchef

hunter164 wrote: »

So I'm sitting here on the toilet, on the laptop.

For feck sake, it can't be comfortable. Get off the lap top. Have ya no respect.

Greasy turkey bum, *shudders* makes a change i guess.

Do not attempt to flush the bone :eek:

~Marky~

A porno

AlmightyCushion

~Marky~ wrote: »

A porno

Unless you have a dvd player in your bathroom that's pretty pointless unless you plan to just look at the cover.

eVeNtInE

This post has been deleted.

allthedoyles

The leg of the chicken is already eaten , so i have to do with some breast instead

MIN2511

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

Unless you have a dvd player in your bathroom that's pretty pointless unless you plan to just look at the cover.

Erm... if he has a laptop with internet OFCOURSE he can watch porn in the jacks

Meh... dude, enjoy your ****... smoke some .....

Wurly

I can't remember his name offhand.....:)

towel401

Tri wrote: »

I can't remember his name offhand.....:)

slutbag

Wurly

towel401 wrote: »

slutbag

Ha ha. In my dreams, really.

What did I really bring to the toilet? A fresh roll of toilet paper.:(

/cries

[Jackass]

I often text whilst on the crapper. Nothing like catching up with old friends whilst brining a new life into this world.

I also bring a newspaper at the weekend (love my sunday dump) and read the sports section.

I used to bring the laptop on occasion also and browse the net, but I got into the habbit of sitting there so long, well after the train had left the station, that when I eventually got up one of my legs would have gone numb.

Spending 30 minutes in the toilet, stinking it up and walking out limping is not a good sign to the innocent bystander.

AlmightyCushion

MIN2511 wrote: »

Erm... if he has a laptop with internet OFCOURSE he can watch porn in the jacks

Watch out you don't jizz on the keyboard. Brings a whole new meaning to sticky keys.

Holsten

Book, magazine, leaflet... anything to read really.

MIN2511

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

Watch out you don't jizz on the keyboard. Brings a whole new meaning to sticky keys.

Meh....................... lmao



I always text, and sometimes surf boards from my mobile

jester77

Maximum respect to the OP and his/her multitasking skills, are you female or a special breed of male?

No way I would be able to have a sh*t, balance a laptop on my knees while drinking a beer, eating a turkey leg and trying to wipe my ass :eek:

hunter164

I'm a man
And you can put the other stuff down when wipng your arse.

bonerjams03

Not Food.... Eh. Books, shampoo bottle, anything I can read.

SomeFool

junk mail is always good reading in the jacks

tony1kenobi

SomeFool wrote: »

junk mail is always good reading in the jacks

Thats like reading the calorific chart on the back of the tray cover in burger king. It really only means one isn't comfortable making eye contact with strangers while eating.

I combat this by leaving the bathroom door open when I sh1t......and talking to myself, ensuring people will approach me.

Wurly

Lads - can I ask.....

How do you make taking a sh1t last for as long as it takes to read a magazine??

I never ever understood this.

Yes, there is a certain element of relief involved by 'emptying your bowels'. But why would you want to make this practice last up to 30 mins in some cases??

Holsten

You ****, then read.

Not that hard.

Wurly

Holsten wrote: »

You ****, then read.

Not that hard.

But why would you wanna sit on the jacks and read after a sh1t? Would your arse not get cold??

Why not read elsewhere or does the jacks hold a 'narnia' esque quality that i'm not aware of?

Don't get it.

MIN2511

The toilet can be very comfortable...

Wurly

MIN2511 wrote: »

The toilet can be very comfortable...

More comfortable than a soft chair or bed? Me arse. Pun intended!!:pac:

tony1kenobi

Tri wrote: »

But why would you wanna sit on the jacks and read after a sh1t? Would your arse not get cold??

Why not read elsewhere or does the jacks hold a 'narnia' esque quality that i'm not aware of?

Don't get it.

The possibility of something remotely erotic in the reading material added to the privacy of the sh1tter offers the option of an opportunistic ****.

Now I've cleared that up I'll clear myself up and wipe my hole.

Wurly

tony1kenobi wrote: »

The possibility of something remotely erotic in the reading material added to the privacy of the sh1tter offers the option of an opportunistic ****.

Now I've cleared that up I'll clear myself up and wipe my hole.

I have to say. I'd prefer to do what I needed to do in the jacks. Leave and then have the oul opportunistic ahem somewhere warm and comfortable.

I never found anything remotely erotic about Armitage Shanks!

MIN2511

Tri wrote: »

More comfortable than a soft chair or bed? Me arse. Pun intended!!:pac:

None taken:D
Meh i dunno about you but when you but before i take a dump i have to be very comfortable













i can't believe we are talking about dumps

Wurly

MIN2511 wrote: »

i can't believe we are talking about dumps

I know - we're supposed to be Ladies!!!:pac:

tony1kenobi

Tri wrote: »

I have to say. I'd prefer to do what I needed to do in the jacks. Leave and then have the oul opportunistic ahem somewhere warm and comfortable.

When one has somewhere warm and comfortable to empty their bollocks a **** isn't necessary.........

seanybiker

Tri wrote: »

Would your arse not get cold??

course it doesn't get cold, big hairy arse on me, so I can take as long as I want when Im dropping the cosbys off to the swimming pool.

Wurly

tony1kenobi wrote: »

When one has somewhere warm and comfortable to empty their bollocks a **** isn't necessary.........

Goes without saying really, doesn't it?

[Jackass]

Now hold on a second. As men, we all work hard, we get nagged, we get asked questions and we have to do stuff.

The *holy* sanctuary of the sh*tter must never be spoken of in a negative light. Sitting there, with the door locked, the satisfaction of unloading yesterdays dinner, reminiscing of how that cheeky little pea made a break for it and almost made it off your plate..the way the mash was so soft and warm...the steak, the supple sacrafice of the steak, it's a celebration.

Then you have a moment to take stock of your life. Think back to any significant events of the last 24 hours, "how could I have done that better? Could I have done things differently?" or "The way I handled that was text book. That's going down as the official code of conduct for next time". It's a learning curve of life, a process if you will.

Then the playful side of the dump can come up, ohhh...remember that hotty in the supermarket earlier? Ho ho, I've been saving that one in the w@nk bank for quite some time. Time to cash in. Post poo **** are an art form. During the poo, the different usuage of muscles directly conflicts with eachother - scientists believe it is not possible to have a **** and poo at the same time. General guidelines suggest a courtesy flush as the smell of your own ass can be off putting. Some choose to combine this with their wiping time so as to cut down on crustation time and also, just to get it out of the way, as there's a whole new mess coming in a minute and you don't want to leave too much work to the end so as to deminish the experience and you certainly don't want the two mixing in anyway at any part of your body.

It's also a good oppertunity to actualy learn something, to read a book. If we remove ourselves to the couch their are too many distractions - other people, the TV, the dog, whatever it is - no man has ever read a book on a couch or comfortable chair - every piece of knowledge has been obtained in the toilet. I have covered a number of novels over several months of pit stops. (The DiVinci code has a poo stain on page 118 - I learned to my horror after my brother in law pointed this out to me after lending him the book - the perpitrator is still up for debate, I don't think I would be so reckless so he could have been making a pre-emptive strike in case I go through the book again - which I never do - I remember what happens and it'll happen exactly the same if I read the book twice) I don't think I have read more than 3 paragraphs of any publication outside of the toilet.

Yet I am aware that herbal essence combines the fruits of the amazon with mountain dew freshness to bring to you the ultimate "exotic" bathing experience. It also supports an anti-vivisection campaign by Uncaged Campaigns. I could only have learned that on the toilet.

So the question isn't why do men spend so much time on the toilet, the real question is why don't we have an office in their.

Wurly

Very very well explained. Well done.:D I get it now.

Note to self: when moving in with a man, make DAMN SURE there are two toilets in the dwelling.

Thank you for the clarification. Even though the intricacy of the post has made me feel somewhat queasy!:o

ciano1

The Turkey should be making a reappearance tomorrow

And itll STILL be warm

Wurly

ciano1 wrote: »

The Turkey should be making a reappearance tomorrow

And itll STILL be warm

Now - that is just vile. Seriously.:(

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

seanybiker

Solitaryman666 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Aint that the truth. I sometimes bring in the paper even when I dont need a crap. It is a balls when you go to stand up and you have one dead leg though.

refusetolose

yore ma?

hate that term but it fits perfect here,

cant believe no one said it yet...or have i missed it?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

chin_grin

PSP + Final Fantasy VII (Or wireless router <cof cof>) = me standing still for quite some time when I finally get around to wiping. Standing there. Motionless. For at least ten minutes waiting for the pain in my legs to subside. Not pleasant.

As a bonus you do get lovely red marks on your thighs.

hunter164

Jacks is a haven from the world