Weirdest (or funniest) story you've heard from a Taxi Driver

steo87

The weirdest one i've heard happened just now on the way home.......taxi driver went on for about 20 minutes about his girlfriend.......whose been dead 4 years. - He pointed out to me at the start of the story that she was dead.....he even showed me a keyring pic of her just before I got out of the taxi...ten mins ago. Feel kinda bad for him.



Anyway....your weird/funny taxi driver stories?

artanevilla

I've oft burst out laughing at their fares.

Beau x1

I always ask taxi drivers about 'runners' on the way home. Always interesting stories, I might post some up here later.

Trinity

Mostly about people vomiting or running.

I know its OT but i heard some stories off a nurse in the Rotunda when i was pregnant about the weird people girls come in with stuck up their vaginas. For example a candle :eek:

Berty

I always ask them when they are reducing their fares on account of the lower fuel prices. It instantly removes that quiet time when nobody is talking because soon after that comment he cannot shut up.

cHaTbOx

Trinity1 wrote: »

Mostly about people vomiting or running.

I know its OT but i heard some stories off a nurse in the Rotunda when i was pregnant about the weird people girls come in with stuck up their vaginas. For example a candle :eek:

I thought this was a taxi driver thread but did the nurse go

" no you can't wax there " by any chance?:D

Trinity

random chatbox wrote: »

I thought this was a taxi driver thread but did the nurse go

" no you can't wax there " by any chance?:D

She was trying to make me feel better cos i was getting examined to see if i was in labour. I would be mortified seriously, think i would have just lit the wick and waited til it melted out :eek:

arybvtcw0eolkf

Trinity1 wrote: »

I know its OT but i heard some stories off a nurse in the Rotunda when i was pregnant about the weird people girls come in with stuck up their vaginas. For example a candle :eek:

Fvck it, put a match to the wick - melts away and no €100 hospital charge.

Taxi drivers, there's one dude who went on a rant to me about his wife.

She ran off with some other cvnt and took him to the cleaners, this was after 25yrs of marriage.

So he bought a bride from Thailand, showed me photos of her too.

Another one is the guy who tells me all about the people he's had to bash up because they refused to pay a fare - and I'm looking at him like 'shut you ya little fat cunt, ya couldn't box eggs'.

But generally most are good ol' craic.

stovelid

steo87 wrote: »

Weirdest (or funniest) story you've heard from a Taxi Driver

The one that said that'll be <insert reasonable fare here> please, mate.

Terry

Trinity1 wrote: »

Mostly about people vomiting or running.

I know its OT but i heard some stories off a nurse in the Rotunda when i was pregnant about the weird people girls come in with stuck up their vaginas. For example a candle :eek:

Items stuck in vaginas are never off topic. Continue.

As for taxi drivers, the weirdest experience was with the heroin addict.
He had an entire conversation with himself while dropping me home.

I knew the people he was talking about because he was a local guy.


Not all drivers are stingy either.

There was a guy who lived around the corner from me.
Dropped me home from Lucan one night and wouldn't take any money.
I left about €3.50 on the seat. It was roughly the going rate at he time.

I wish I had remembered that for the other thread.

Trinity

<3BeingIN6th wrote: »

Items stuck in vaginas are never off topic. Continue.

PMSL

I once heard of someone got stuck on a bed post knob but now thats urban legend and to tie in with the topic on hand i doubt she would have got the whole headboard into the taxi to get to the hospital

RxQueen

Last taxi i got , was to work cause i slept it in grrr..


and they guy was on about where i lived, and asked me did i go to the school in the area, it turned out his son used to be a year behind me, and i was like "oh cool , nice chap he was"
He then told me how he is split from his wife and that his daughter now lives with the mother, which he isnt happy about. etc etc
He then asked me if i had a boyfriend, to which i replied "no" he said "excellent im not seeing anyone either atm" and touched my arm! FREAKED me out!!


oh and last drunk taxi trip i had , the taxi mans name was Liam Gallagher , he was not impressed with my oasis singing and stories about his bro! :P!

arybvtcw0eolkf

emo!! wrote: »

oh and last drunk taxi trip i had , the taxi mans name was Liam Gallagher , he was not impressed with my oasis singing and stories about his bro! :P!

I got a taxi to Swords one night, the guys name was Frank LOSTY, I'd a few gargles on me, so I annoyed the bollox out of him over having a most unfortunet name like LOSTY for a taxi driver.

But at least he was sober, not like your drunk driver

RxQueen

Mairt wrote: »

I got a taxi to Swords one night, the guys name was Frank LOSTY, I'd a few gargles on me, so I annoyed the bollox out of him over having a most unfortunet name like LOSTY for a taxi driver.

But at least he was sober, not like your drunk driver

i ment i was drunk *rollseyes* !! haha Losty

anonymous_joe

Had a taxi driver last night who was a trained solo tenorist. :pac:

Got a taxi home with a couple of mates once and the taxi driver suggested we head over to the canal for some negotiable affection, so to speak. Needless to say we weren't best pleased.

midlandsmissus

I could write a book about the things taxi drivers have said to me. The poor lads must be really bored cause they really do tell ya their life stories.

I remember one time this taxi driver told me how he won a house in america on a game of poker, and he was getting out of 'this kip' as soon as they had it done up.

Who bets a house in a game of poker???

Al_Fernz

A few years ago....

Me and my mates were in a joer and somehow the topic of Amsterdam was brought up. Anywhos mr. taximan starts telling us about his Amsterdam experience. It went something like this:

"Yeah boys, I was in Amsterdam there a few months ago. Great city. You wanna see this bird I pulled in this bar. Fvckin cracker. So after some heavy kissing I said lets go up to my room. She was gagging for it too so off we went. More heavy kissing and a lot of dirty talk on the way up to the room. Jaysus, lads we were both gagging for it. We burst through the door of my room and she threw me on the bed. Standing before me she began to undress. It all looked savage lads. Next thing she whips off her dress and there it was lads......the biggest cock I have ever seen!"

Cue complete silence for the rest of the journey.

Fulton Crown

Was properly gargled when got into taxi in town...very agressive driver..didn't apparently like the destination I was going to....I insisted he take me...but dissed me an all an sundry the whole journey.....luckily I had a pair of old dark jeans on so asked to him let me off a point near my destination.

Paid him off with bad grace .....but chuckled on the way home at the thought of his reaction when he discovers the pint and a half of spicy p1ss I soaked into his back seat !

Sometimes the nice guys win

Terry

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I could write a book about the things taxi drivers have said to me. The poor lads must be really bored cause they really do tell ya their life stories.

I remember one time this taxi driver told me how he won a house in america on a game of poker, and he was getting out of 'this kip' as soon as they had it done up.

Who bets a house in a game of poker???

Gerald Broflovski

Al_Fernz wrote: »

A few years ago....

Me and my mates were in a joer and somehow the topic of Amsterdam was brought up. Anywhos mr. taximan starts telling us about his Amsterdam experience. It went something like this:

"Yeah boys, I was in Amsterdam there a few months ago. Great city. You wanna see this bird I pulled in this bar. Fvckin cracker. So after some heavy kissing I said lets go up to my room. She was gagging for it too so off we went. More heavy kissing and a lot of dirty talk on the way up to the room. Jaysus, lads we were both gagging for it. We burst through the door of my room and she threw me on the bed. Standing before me she began to undress. It all looked savage lads. Next thing she whips off her dress and there it was lads......the biggest cock I have ever seen!"

Cue complete silence for the rest of the journey.

Hehe.
My friend's brother came back from there with a similar story.

"Jaysus lads, she was a fukkin' man woman."

Volvoboy

Was properly gargled when got into taxi in town...very agressive driver..didn't apparently like the destination I was going to....I insisted he take me...but dissed me an all an sundry the whole journey.....luckily I had a pair of old dark jeans on so asked to him let me off a point near my destination.

Paid him off with bad grace .....but chuckled on the way home at the thought of his reaction when he discovers the pint and a half of spicy p1ss I soaked into his back seat !

Sometimes the nice guys win

Ah i like that kinda thinking, next time i get bad service i'll piss in thier work place, instead of getting another taxi which you should have.

Grow up.

Al_Fernz

Fulton Crown wrote: »

Sometimes the nice guys win

Yeah and the stoooo-pid guys go home with pi$$ all over their trousers.

TPD

Got a taxi after a night in Derry for a friends 18th, the driver had a Queen CD on. The rest of the journey was spent shouting about whether or not Freddie Mercury had drank a pint of semen. The taxi driver offered to turn the cd off, probably hoping to keep us quiet.

I think he got a good laugh from hearing 'Boys, Freddie Mercury downed a pint of cum' about 50 times in a thick Donegal accent. Charged us about a quarter less than the fare usually is too.

The_Minister

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Had a taxi driver last night who was a trained solo tenorist. :pac:

Ah, Goddammit!
Shouldn't have gotten the nightlink.

The_Minister

I remember one Nigerian taxi man who spent the whole night complaining about Irish taxi men, and how lazy and racist they were.
He told this brilliant story about how, at one of the public consultation meetings, the taxi men gave demands that effectively would have banned all the immegrant taxi drivers. The regulator listened to their reasons, and provided them with a solution that addressed their problems but let the foreigners stay.
The taxi men were livid.

InkSlinger67

We were heading into town one night in a taxi when the driver told us a story about a drunk passenger once that had us all in stitches. The previous night the driver picked up a drunk man with a beard and a white Aran jumper on. While driving, the taxi driver noticed his passenger in the back about to get sick. The driver reached back and pulled the front of his Aran jumper over the passenger's head as he was getting sick! The passenger got out of the taxi, pulled the jumper back off his head and his beard and jumper were covered in puke. Hilarious!

During another taxi journey we stopped at some traffic lights where a stunning lass was crossing the road. As she walked the taxi driver asked me "Would ye ride that? Ehh?" to which I replied "Sure! Why not!". The taxi driver's response was "You couldn't!!! Cos my arse would be in the way!"...obviously a rehersed/previously said line on his part due to the speed of the response but still one of the funniest things I've heard in a taxi!

Can't beat a funny taxi driver, especially after a good night out! Fair play to some of them!

arybvtcw0eolkf

Fulton Crown wrote: »

Was properly gargled when got into taxi in town...very agressive driver..didn't apparently like the destination I was going to....I insisted he take me...but dissed me an all an sundry the whole journey.....luckily I had a pair of old dark jeans on so asked to him let me off a point near my destination.

Paid him off with bad grace .....but chuckled on the way home at the thought of his reaction when he discovers the pint and a half of spicy p1ss I soaked into his back seat !

Sometimes the nice guys win

Pretty disgusting to be honest.

Buddy, YOU ain't the winner in this one - far from it.

Even if you told it as a funny story it would have failed at that too.

It only success is confirming every taxi drivers story about how dirty and disgusting some drunks can be.

Berty

InkSlinger67 wrote: »

During another taxi journey we stopped at some traffic lights where a stunning lass was crossing the road. As she walked the taxi driver asked me "Would ye ride that? Ehh?" to which I replied "Sure! Why not!". The taxi driver's response was "You couldn't!!! Cos my arse would be in the way!"...obviously a rehersed/previously said line on his part due to the speed of the response but still one of the funniest things I've heard in a taxi!

A good response is that "my schlong is so long I can go through you and come out the other side no problem".

Usually saying this to a stranger is a conversation killer BUT if you want the last word then. :pac:

4zn76tysfajdxp

I remember I was driven home one night by a taxi driver named John MacLaine who looked even like Bruce Willis. 'twas class. It wasn't the first time the comparison had been made apparantly.

iPlop

Myself and a group of friend hailed a taxi at christchurch about 10 years ago we were headin for the red box.This taxi came screechin' up and there was dance music pumping out of it.We all liked dane music so we got in.I just had the door pulled closed when the taxi shot off up the road really fast ,then the driver says "ShuSsHH Check dis bleedin' tune out Fcukin' Rapid" We were all like this bloke is a nutter ,so anyway were in thes lunatics taxi flyin' down dame street when we stopped at a set of lights then the taxi driver says to me with really WIDE eyes "ANY COKE FOR THE DRIVER" I just said "Ill give ya tenner if you let us out here" and he did.Always wondered was it really his taxi :eek:

Darragh29

You should see the look on their faces when they start talking their usual ****e talk with ye on the way home and it comes up in the conversation that I'm a mechanic. Taxi pulls up outside my house at the end of the journey, and taximen being taximen, the conversation usually goes like this...

Taximan:

"Jasus come 'ere before ye go, I've a funny noise here comin' from me engine, will ye have a quick look at it for me??? I'm a bit worried it's the timing belt or me fu*kin' engine is gonna explode an come through me windscreen an' kill one of me valued passengers stone bleedin' dead! Ye wouldn't have a quick look at it for me, would ye???"...

Me: "No probs, pull the bonnet there and I'll have a look"...

Five minutes later...

"It's coming from the water pump, get the timing belt done IMMEDIATELY or it will break and f*ck up your engine!"

Taximan:

"Ah Jasus thanks a mill bud, I'm lucky ye had a look at that 'cos I'd just keep drivin' it! I'll get it done tomorrow!"...

Me:

Now, let's see how much you owe me!!!"

:D:D

Berty

Darragh29 wrote: »

You should see the look on their faces when they start talking their usual ****e talk with ye on the way home and it comes up in the conversation that I'm a mechanic.

Whilst I have you. When Im holding the car on a slight hill using the clutch and accelerator it sounds like a cat is being strangled somewhere in the engine.

I have checked for said Cat but said cat is not there.

On that note, here is said Cat or so I believe.

Fulton Crown

Mairt wrote: »

Pretty disgusting to be honest.

It was actually ...when I thought about it nxt morn...got a bad dose o sacc rash out of it as well....but - at the time ?? - well the Guinness and Curry just "spoke" .:D

4zn76tysfajdxp

Fulton Crown wrote: »

It was actually ...when I thought about it nxt morn...got a bad dose o sacc rash out of it as well....but - at the time ?? - well the Guinness and Curry just "spoke" .:D

Ah ffs, don't tell me you shat yourself as well. People like you don't deserve to be allowed to drink.

craiginireland

Fulton Crown wrote: »

It was actually ...when I thought about it nxt morn...got a bad dose o sacc rash out of it as well....but - at the time ?? - well the Guinness and Curry just "spoke" .:D

Classy!

Fulton Crown

Makenzie Lemon Camper wrote: »

Ah ffs, don't tell me you shat yourself as well. People like you don't deserve to be allowed to drink.

Huh ?

Thought I did a public service TBH

Fulton Crown

Fulton Crown wrote: »

Huh ?

Thought I did a public service TBH

I have a suggestion for you and a "public service" but I'd get into trouble for posting it :rolleyes:

Ross_Mahon

I was having a conversation with one two years ago, I was describing how all the foreigners will move back to their own country when things die down here, And that the economy in they're country will go up.

He wouldn't accept what i was telling him, Turned into an argument. One taxi man was telling us of how he would love to be eternal, So he could make loads of money.

Töpher

Trinity1 wrote: »

i heard some stories off a nurse in the Rotunda when i was pregnant about the weird people girls come in with stuck up their vaginas.

Holy miniature humans Batman! :eek:

Spook_ie

Fulton Crown wrote: »

Huh ?

Thought I did a public service TBH

No but TBH you did confirm the taxi drivers view that there are some people who just shouldn't be allowed out unaccompanied, or better still not allowed out at all...

White_Feather

Fulton Crown wrote: »

Huh ?

Thought I did a public service TBH

Public service my ar$e! Would you ever please just get the boat... I mean how immature can you be! No matter how drunk you are, no matter what people say, you always know right from wrong.. thats how the majority of decent people were brought up...to treat others as you would like to be treated! Karma is gonna open up the biggest can of whoop ass on you!!

artanevilla

Jaysus just remembered one, coming home after a night out in a taxi with a couple of lads, taxi driver quiet enough, stop at the lights on Dorset Street, he turns round and says: "Here lads, this is a robbed taxi." Gets out and legs it. Crazy stuff.

seanybiker

artanevilla wrote: »

Jaysus just remembered one, coming home after a night out in a taxi with a couple of lads, taxi driver quiet enough, stop at the lights on Dorset Street, he turns round and says: "Here lads, this is a robbed taxi." Gets out and legs it. Crazy stuff.

Ha ha ha that has to be a winner

studiorat

Taxi driver one night asks me did I recognise him from the telly. No, say's I.
Yeah, I was on on it because I'm the fella who smashed up the moving statue in ballinspittle years ago!! Say's he!

Duff

I've gotten many a taxi home with Maxi, (The guy who ''tried'' to burn down the FAI headquarters two years ago) I usually just get him to tell me the story of how that day went for him.