Not sure if he loves me

Phoenix_Rising

In a relationship for the last two years, living together for the last 8 months. things are generally going well but my oh is very slow to talk about his emotions or how he feels about me.

This is his first serious relationship.

We were talking last night and i said that it upsets me that he never says that he loves me ( i would say it on occasion) and he says that he is not sure that he loves me as he has never been in love before. He does not love his parents and they have quite a cold relationship. He says that nobody ever told him that they loved him before he met me and that he finds it strange.

He says that he presumes that he must love me as he likes being with me, likes us living together etc and would be devested if i left him. He also said that he wants to marry me, but he feels like a fraud if he says the word "love"

I am really confused about all of this. I love him to bits and i want to spend the reast of my life with him but as i said to him lat night, i dont want to marry someone who istn sure that they love me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Wibbs

Ok a bit of a sticky one.Does he show you he loves you the way he treats you? Is his affection for you evident on that score? That's the important bit. Yes it would be better if he said it too, but many people(especially men) will say "I love you" as a catch all, a way to keep the engine ticking over without actually showing this. IME women need to hear it nearly as much as they need to see it. More than men anyway. Generalisation of course but there ya go. Some are worse in that they need to hear it more than seeing it. That doesn't mean it shouldnt be said BTW.

His background of coldness in his parents relationship would have a lot of bearing on this. That was his example of a "loving" relationship when he was growing up. He probably does love you, but there's a disconnect between the actions and the words. That may come with time. I wouldn't push him on it, especially if he shows you love, respect and consideration in the relationship.

Dcully

It just sounds to me like he doesnt know what love is or how to love someone.
I find it strange that he doesnt love his parents then again thats a very personal thing.
Do you know why he doesnt love his parents, are there any particular reasons?

Dont tell us the reasons here by the way, im only asking as he may have genuine reasons or may not.
Personally i think its a key point here beacause if there are no genuine reasons for him not to love the people who brought him into the world and cared for him all the years then i find that a bit strange.

Again ,maybe he has is own reasons and maybe they are vali reasons.

Another key point in what you say is that he says he would be devastated if you left him.
Thats a big positive form your point of view,maybe he does love you but just has not grasped the whole concept and exactly what it means.

Im far from an expert, this is my first post ever on this particular forum, but if i was in your shoes id be investiagting the not loving his parents issue,maye there is more to it maybe not but ive never heard a friend of mine say they dont love their parents.

If his parents were/are nice people who always looked after and cared for him surely its strange if he doesnt love them?
Then again maybe his have parents mistreated him,either way its something i feel you need to find out.

If he has been mistreated then atleast you know he may be able to love someone.
If his parents were loving parents etc and he cant love them well then frankly i find that a bit strange and i would certainly be asking if he is capable of loving anyone.

I really wish you the best of luck here Phoenix,either way you know him better than anyone that replies to you on an internet message board.
You have got to trust you own instincts on this one .

cantdecide

You could tell him that you want just want to hear him say the words. Getting used to saying it will be good for you both. He might be afraid that you don't truly love him back so is very reserved about handing out "I love you"s. You might have to be more emphatic about showing him it's okay to love you.

Beruthiel

I don't believe you need someone to tell you they love you if their actions speak for themselves.
How does he treat you in general? Does he make you feel special?
Actions speak louder than words imo.

LegacyUser

Hi,
i went through a similar situation a while back. Had been with my boyfriend for about six months and he only said i really like you or whatever when i said it first. Sometimes he would change the subject. I brought it up with him and he was of the opinion he just doesn't say it. When i asked why he said i don't know, I am well messed up.
I ended things with him as when he couldn't even give me a reason why he couldnt say those words, I wasn't going to hang around to the stage where it came to love etc.
Ultimately you know your boyfriend best, he has given you a reason why he can't say it so this is positive.
Also the fact that he said he would be devastated without you is also positive. I just think you should say it to him that you would like to hear it because you know how much you like saying it to him. The reason about not loving his parents and never been told he was loved is valid i think as i suspect something the same was the issue with my boyfriend but as he couldn't be bothered to tell me i ended it.
Best of luck.

Sleepy

Actions speak a million times louder than words.

I love and you are just three words put together and very easy to say without meaning. Showing affection and treating someone with consideration, kindness and respect are a much more meaningful way of showing them you love them.

If he does that, don't worry about it.

I didn't know what it felt like to love someone before the first person I loved. If that makes sense..You know when you do.


If you love cheese sandwiches. You don't think "I'm not sure if I love cheese sandwiches because I've never loved a sandwich before"

Babooshka

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

I didn't know what it felt like to love someone before the first person I loved. If that makes sense..You know when you do.


If you love cheese sandwiches. You don't think "I'm not sure if I love cheese sandwiches because I've never loved a sandwich before"

Yes but cheese sandwiches don't ask you to tell them you love them or question your feelings, so you've less vulnerability around a cheese sandwich don't you think?

I'm with someone over a year and he won't say it. Wibbs is right, for some reason, even though I completely know that he is good, loving, sensitive, caring and generous and he makes me laugh and well looks after me, because he hasn't said it, I feel on some level it's lacking somewhere.
Do I think this is correct on my part? technically, Nope, I think I'm mental for needing to be told. We have been brainwashed into thinking men have to tell us or it's not "real" and it's all schmolloxology to be really honest. If he's a good man with a big heart and he's treating you well and you're happy, stop analysing it and enjoy the actuality of it. Loads of knob ends tell their girlfriend's every day they love them, and they'd be the first one to cheat or act the mick.

I love cheese sandwiches too. No I don't tell them neither

LolaLuv

It'd drive me nuts not to hear it. But I'm very expresseive myself so I think it's more a compatibility thing than anything else. It all depends on what you can live with, OP. Wouldn't bother some people, would bother others. It does seem to be bothering you, though, and I'm not so sure you're wrong for that.

Hrududu

I think his actions are way more important. You could drive yourself crazy thinking "Does he love me? If he loved me he'd say it" when in reality he might love you just not be comfortable saying the words. It would be a shame to ruin a relationship over words when the underlying feelings are what really matter. His comments that he'd be devastated if you left him suggests to me that he does.

Mr. Incognito

Truly women are strange creatures.

He's living with you in a solid commited relationship and you're getting paranoid because he doesn't go around telling you he loves you like a player every day.

In my experience the people that tell you they love you the quickest, mean it the least. I'm sure he does little things for you that mean far more imo.

Go worry about world peace or the babies in Africa ffs.

oh is very slow to talk about his emotions

He is a man. This is what we do. Women have ten bajillion emotional gears, we have the seven dwarfs. Period.

Sleepy, Sneezy (sick) dopey (usually when dealing with women) Happy Grumpy, Bashfull and Doc ( If you've ever played nurses and doctors you'll know what that one is)

LolaLuv

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Truly women are strange creatures.

He's living with you in a solid commited relationship and you're getting paranoid because he doesn't go around telling you he loves you like a player every day.

In my experience the people that tell you they love you the quickest, mean it the least. I'm sure he does little things for you that mean far more imo.

Go worry about world peace or the babies in Africa ffs.

He is a man. This is what we do. Women have ten bajillion emotional gears, we have the seven dwarfs. Period.

Sleepy, Sneezy (sick) dopey (usually when dealing with women) Happy Grumpy, Bashfull and Doc ( If you've ever played nurses and doctors you'll know what that one is)

They've been together for two years. Him telling her he loves her at this point would make him a player. Some people (not just women) rely as much on verbal expressions as little things. There's nothing wrong with that and certainly no cause for you to judge the OP. And since you're a man I'm surprised that you don't realize that all men are not the same and don't follow your little seven dwarves psychology (brilliant though it was).

This is PI. The OP is perfectly entitled to come here to express concern over a personal issue instead of wondering about world peace.

McGinty

Hi Op

I know it is important to hear those words, but do judge your partner on how he acts, that is more important

Truly women are strange creatures.

He's living with you in a solid commited relationship and you're getting paranoid because he doesn't go around telling you he loves you like a player every day.

In my experience the people that tell you they love you the quickest, mean it the least. I'm sure he does little things for you that mean far more imo.

Go worry about world peace or the babies in Africa ffs.


Quote:
oh is very slow to talk about his emotions

He is a man. This is what we do. Women have ten bajillion emotional gears, we have the seven dwarfs. Period.

Sleepy, Sneezy (sick) dopey (usually when dealing with women) Happy Grumpy, Bashfull and Doc ( If you've ever played nurses and doctors you'll know what that one is)

Your post irked me, many men need the same form of affirmation, and my partner who is for the long haul knew I was the woman for him and visa versa, we work through the hard bits as well. Not all men are emotionally retarded, some men are very eloquent in their feelings so don't pigeon hole all men.

Mr. Incognito

Not all men are emotionally retarded, some men are very eloquent in their feelings so don't pigeon hole all men.

And since you're a man I'm surprised that you don't realize that all men are not the same

Look, I'm not going to de-rail the thread nor did I say men are emtionally retarded.

Compared to a woman's emotional needs, generally mens are much simplier is my point.

She is emotinally needy, he is not. This is not a sterotype- this is a fact. In other relationships the genders may be reversed. But what irks me is that she is trying to get blood from a stone. He is not a big "sensitive" guy. his background makes that obvious and she is putting pressure on him to confirm to something he is not.

Let him express himself in his own way and recognise when he does so rather than training him tricks like pressuring him to perform "I love you" when he doesn't feel like it to keep her happy.

LolaLuv

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Look, I'm not going to de-rail the thread nor did I say men are emtionally retarded.

Compared to a woman's emotional needs, generally mens are much simplier is my point.

She is emotinally needy, he is not. This is not a sterotype- this is a fact. In other relationships the genders may be reversed. But what irks me is that she is trying to get blood from a stone. He is not a big "sensitive" guy. his background makes that obvious and she is putting pressure on him to confirm to something he is not.

Let him express himself in his own way and recognise when he does so rather than training him tricks like pressuring him to perform "I love you" when he doesn't feel like it to keep her happy.

What he can provide and what the OP needs might be two different things, and she shouldn't be ridiculed for expressing concern.

Mr. Incognito

and she shouldn't be ridiculed for expressing concern.

Why not. It's her undue concern that is founded on her own insecurities.

The title of the thread is "Not sure if he loves me"

And why........ because he doesn't say that he does, well, tough. He SHOWS her he does and if she'd rather pressure her boyfriend that she loves into an emotional corner that he's uncomfortable because of her own insecurites with she should be ridiculed all day. He should be judged on his ACTIONS, as should we all. Sadly people believe what they want and that's why women, yes, and men take back cheating / abusive partners who say they have changed.

Talk is cheap imo.

LolaLuv

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Talk is cheap imo.

This is they key. You would be fine without hearing the words. That doesn't mean everyone else has to be, nor does it mean that those who do want to hear it are wrong.

Mr. Incognito

Pilly,

I hear where you're coming from. We all want to be loved. But people express that in different ways. His way of expressing it is just that, his own unique way, in trust, security and other things in the OP's relationship that none of us are privy to that makes her love him.

One of her important ways of expressing it is vocal. He's not built like that. Some men just are not. If he had 6 fingers on his left foot would you force him to have it removed to keep you happy (hell some women do). There is a line here between what she wants and where what she wants intrudes and makes him uncomfortable. Love is about accepting the other person for who they are and more importantly who they are not.

Her logic of "not sure of he loves me" becuase he does not say so is patently ridulous on the facts we hae been given and my mockery, if you see it as such is that she does not realise this and would rather focus on something so insignificant in the overall scheme of any relationship.

Babooshka

Babooshka wrote: »

I'm with someone over a year and he won't say it. Wibbs is right, for some reason, even though I completely know that he is good, loving, sensitive, caring and generous and he makes me laugh and well looks after me, because he hasn't said it, I feel on some level it's lacking somewhere.

I'm sorry, but this is not normal at all. Unless the guy you're with has some severe emotional problems or is absolutely inept at expressing his feelings, then I don't see why he wouldn't just say "I love you" every once in a while - ESPECIALLY seeing as you feel as though you would like him to say it.

I mean it's not a hard thing to say.

But that's beside the point. The OP also says that her BF has told he that he wasn't sure if he loved her because he has never been in love before. My point is that you KNOW when you're in love. It's not something that makes you go "Hmmm I think I might feel a small bit of love here". It's something that makes you go "Wow this is the most amazing person and I am absolutely in love with him/her".

SarahSassy

This has not just happened all of a sudden and if its such an issue, I am not sue why you decided to move in with him?

Are you doing what some women do by trying to change him once you 'have' him?

Seraphina

i will never understand the amount of women who will end relationships over not hearing those words. you know what, PEOPLE CAN LIE!

i don't get why those three words can mean so much to women, when at the end of the day, as so many people have said, actions speak louder and all that jazz.

the guy doesn't want to say it because you have put so much meaning and weight and emphasis behind those words, despite the fact that he probably does love you, he's afraid to say it in case he lets you down. you are in a two year committed relationship, the guy has been living with you for eight months, i honestly do not understand what more you could want. hearing that is not the be all and end all of your time together. i have had several fulfilling long term relationships without those words ever coming up.

i'm guessing he probably feels that there is a lot of pressure and 'this is forever' sort of associations with him saying those words. just leave it go, chill, and he will say it in his own time. and it will mean so much more because you let him come to terms with his feelings rather than forcing him into saying something he wasn't sure about.