Upsetting relationship with mother

LegacyUser

Hi, not too sure where to start here as its a long story but i have to get it off my chest. Have posted here before and got advice but things have gone to a whole new level lately.
I'm 21, school teacher and female. I live at home but pay my way, buy my own food etc.
Trouble is my relationship with my mother. I don't know how to put this without sounding like a b**** but she is the one person in my life who makes me feel worthless,useless,fat, mean and generally makes me seem like a bad person.
I am called fat, lazy, careless, cheeky among many other names and insults. My mother hates every stitch of clothes i own and says they're too short, too tight and all sorts. If i wear a dress that might be two inches above my knee she doesn't bat an eyelid like most mams do, she will call me a slut, not let me out the door, scream at me etc. If i do one thing wrong, things escalate into a screaming match where the insults are fired at me. Then things came to a head last week. I had chilblains on my feet and cramps in my stomach. She got a basin of water for me and when i put my feet in it was too hot so as you would i took them out. She began screaming at me threatening me etc and hit me across the feet with a wooden spoon and just said put them in there. I was crying at this as all the other insults start coming then too. I wanted to go to bed as was sick and tired of being screamed at and as i was crying she kept wanting to know what was wrong. Eventually she left and asked me two minutes later as serious as you like "are you pregnant"? At this point i burst into tears and couldnt breathe properly as was so mad she could even say this to me. Rang my friend and she told me after that me being unable to breathe on the phone to her sounded like a panic attack.
Last summer she rooted in my wardrobe, found the pill and two condoms and i told her all about my boyfriend at the time. Again the insults etc started coming. Since then she has never trusted me but there was a reason i never told her that in the first place, last boyfriend i had she used to just be so snide and snobby in her remarks, paranoid about where i was with him, when we broke up she said who would put up with me etc. So i vowed never to tell her about another boyfriend because of this.
This has got me down on occasions but even more so lately. I am gone to the stage where i don't want to go out on a Saturday night because there will be a shouting match, where i dont want to go shopping as i will be told i look fat in whatever i buy and then in turn told that i have no friends and everyone is laughing at me because i look so stupid. I cry myself to sleep that i have this person in my life who is so mean to me and who i will never be able to tell about my boyfriend or my wedding or any happy occasion as she just steps in and ends up ruining it. All i want is a normal mam who i can tell this sort of stuff to without being told im a slut and anything else.
I find it really hard to deal with and sometimes i start believing i am this terrible person who she makes me out to be. My confidence is just slipping away and dont know what to do.
Anyone out there with advice on what to do to get through this as its just eating me up? I feel so upset, paranoid about things and the kind of person i am.
Im so sorry for the long and boring post but i cant go on feeling this upset and dreading my whole life because of all this. I just felt i had to make it long to give all the details.
Anyone with any advice on how to rise above all this would be so much appreciated as i have nowhere else to turn, friends are sick of hearing at and i hate people feeling sorry for me.
Thanks in advance.

Beruthiel

The answer is very simple.
Move out and find your own place to live.
She will see you as nothing else but a child until you do.

MagicMarker

Well I certainly hope you don't teach English! Paragraphs?

Why haven't you moved out??? You're an adult starting your career, there's absolutely no reason why you should still be at home. You don't even mention it in your post, you do realise you're allowed to leave home yes?

Look on daft.ie right now, I guarantee you'll find something and be moved out within 2 weeks and all your problems are gone.

fatmammycat

Your mother is a bully and you let her away with it. Move out and start leveling the playing field a little. You're 21 years old, she has no right to tell you who to see or what to wear or to be snooping about in your room. Your whole adult relationship if skewed. Move out, seriously.

LegacyUser

OP here, i am moving out in January but its not as simple as it sounds. I will still be home at weekends hence still having the rows the insults etc.
I have realised that moving out will help but i don't think it is problem solved as there will still be the rows and things every weekend and still me feeling upset about them.
Thanks anyway.

Beruthiel

Don't go home at the weekend for a month or two. After that, just go home once a month or so. Things will slowly change and she will get to the stage where she will be happy to see you.

Recon

My girlfriend was having similar problems with her mother at home too. She moved out a bit over 3 months ago and....no more trouble from her mother.

tinkerbell

You have to move out. Your mother is a total and utter bully and nobody should have to put up with that. Don't bother going home at weekends until she starts to act like a reasonable human being. You're gonna get nowhere stuck under her roof dealing with all that emotional abuse.

peanuthead

yeah op, not to sound like a broken record here, but you've got to move out.

I have a similar situation to yours....I have no relationship with my mother, and my father, he is the best person ever, but we can't live together, we just end up rowing about everything!!

So I moved out. Its a hard decision to make and even harder to go through with. Its daunting at first, especially if you are living with people you don't know. But once you put up your posters/pictures etc.. you will have your room looking real homey and it will become your own space.

Don't go home until your mam starts reacting to you better. Also, I know this is hard, believe me, I know, but you shouldn't cry in front of your mother. Don't allow her to have that power over you.

Good luck

craichoe

Move out .... Get on with your life

LegacyUser

If a friend acted like this towards you would dump them.

There is a strange breed of mother who seem to be totally unhappy in their lives and inflict pain on their kids in the way she does to you.

An ex of mine went through the same thing. After years of me not understanding and siding with "but she;s your mother", she told me something the mother said to her and at that stage I told her that she should cease contact with her.

It was stressful for her as it is for you.

You can choose to put up with it or just stop seeing her and don't accept her calls. She is hurting you and that is not normal and it's not right.

Curlypinkie

I know exactly how you feel OP. My mum was more or less the same.
I moved out at 18 tho, as soon as I legally became a grown up. For the first two years we didn't even see each other and I have to say that sadly it took us almost 10 years and me moving to a different country to end our "toxic" relationship and starting anew. I still consider msyelf lucky that I managed staying in touch with her and us being where we are now in terms of a relationship.

After a few years she realised she missed me and also, when we are miles apart, I can decide when I want to contact her and regulate visits etc.

I have also given up the dream of having "the perfect Mother".
The thing is she doesn't exist. Even people who seemingly have perfect mothers will, from time to time whinge about them or have a row with them.

My advice to you is to move out altogether. Why do you need to live with her at the weekends?

Make her miss you and make her appreciate you.
There is one other thing. You might NEVER have agood relationship with your mother. But you acn try and the only way you can start trying for one is getting the hell away from her, as far as you can and for as long a period of time as you can in a go.

Good luck

Actually, editing this, after reading your post again, just wanted to say feel free to PM me. The feelings you have are so similar to the way I used to feel...

Fad

If you have a decent job, move out, dont go back at weekends, wait for her to contact you.

SpookyDoll

All i want is a normal mam who i can tell this sort of stuff to without being told im a slut and anything else.

Hey OP, you have got to accept things as they are. Its sad and so hurtful when you see everyone else and their normal parents, I know you just wish it would be the same for you.

But the thing is you have to stop waiting for "normality" to happen, its not going to happen. Your mother is a very disturbed woman as well as a nasty bully.

She is not going to change, I know its hard but you have got to accept that. You also have got to start to learn how to look after yourself, that means making your plans to move on.

You need to start creating a secure life for yourself which is free of assaults, mind games and unpredictable mental outbursts by your mother.

Nothing you do is going to change the way she is, but what you can do is get assertive and stop allowing this to happen to you. The way things are is not right, you should not live this way.

The only person that can walk out the door is you.

LegacyUser

OP, I know exactly what you're talking about. I could have written that post. I have a terrible relationship with my mother, who (like yours) seems to really dislike me and has done for as long as I can remember. She is highly abusive too.

My advice to you would be to move out, as the others have said. I'm 22 and moved out of home after xmas last year, and only for it I dread to think what state my mental health would be in now. I have cut off all ties with her, I never see her and although this is upsetting it's the only way. Problem is that I'm very close to my dad and siblings and it's very awkward for them.

Bottom line, though, is that you have to get out of that situation. You can't continue like this. All I see when I think of my mother is the hell she put me through and I can't imagine ever forgiving her (not that she's ever apologise, mind!) but you never know, with some distance you may be able to come to some sort of civil reunion.

Best of luck.

banquo

yeah, I know exactly how you feel.

Mothers have an incredible ability to shame you. And you can't argue with them if they don't obey the laws of logical.

You just gotta get out of there. I went to live with my dad and it was the best thing ever, even just being around an older male role model changed how I felt every day.

And now me and the mum get on great.

Snowie

op whats the point in moving out and going home at weekend's ?
Personally i wouldnt bother going home and when your mum rings you id tell her and then id move on whats the point in having arguments with your mum ? why would you do this after a long week at work...?

Show you independce! you have a career to think about , and your own life to live.....

shaca

You can pick your friends but you cant pick your family. How true. Im glad for your sake that you are moving out. I know that you probably feel like you have to go home at week ends to keep her happy and to see other family members but at the end of the day you need to get your head together first. How do the rest of your family feel about the way she treats you or is she the same with everyone? Take a few weeks before you go back. Try not to get into the arguments with her. I know it is hard but you have to remember your mother is a bully, don't give her the satisfaction of bringing you down. Just nod. Don't take in what she is saying because you know they aren't true. If you are at home for a weekend think about the peace you will have when you go back to your own place. I'm not saying you are a bully but maybe the 2 of you are alike and that is why you dont get on. Just remember if you shout back you are probably making her shout louder. Stay calm. Find another way to vent your anger, a good walk or something. She will soon get fed of arguing with you (will probably turn on someone else) when she sees she is not hurting you.
Good luck

Why do you have to go home at weekends? It's not an obligation, unless there's some reason you absolutely have to, and I'm hard pressed to think of one. I get on fairly well with my parents, and I've only visited once every 7-8 weeks since I was 18.