How do I bring this up?

LegacyUser

Ok in a nut shell,
I don't get on with my boyfriends step father.
He has physically attacked my boyfriend a few times and verbally abused me.
It takes too long too explain the history of it, but basically I can't stand the guy and don't want to be in the same room anymore.
The last time I was down there the tension was unbelievable and I just ended up staying in the bedroom the whole time coz I couldn't stick it.
My boyfriend wants to go and visit for a few days over christmas (understandable) but I actually can't stomach staying over.
My boyfriend has on occasion lost paitence with me about this, he refuses to cause any kind of fuss for fear of upsetting his mother, who chooses to turn a total blind eye to all the horrible stuff this guy has done.
I don't mind my boyfriend going by himself, I'd never stop him seeing his family but I can't stick it myself.
My solution is for us to stay with a friend who lives nearby, or he can stay with them while I stay with the friend.
I can think of a million excuses why I'd have to stay with a friend and his mam will just believe it because she wants to. I get on ok with her but we're not best friends either like.
Now my question is how do I talk to him about this?
He gets very defensive if I bring it up, says it's my problem not his or just throws his eyes up to heaven and sighs loudly with a side dish of "well I can't do anything about it".
This is a problem for me as I have tried to stay in the house and just do what they do , act like nothing ever happened, but I just can't do it. I was terrified to get up to go to the toilet for fear of running into this guy.
But what's really upsetting is my boyfriends attittude, he doesn't seem to get it at all and makes out like I'm the one casuing the trouble even tho he openly admits hating the step father?
His whole family fight with each other all the time and mine are nothing like that so it's all v strange for me and I don't know how to deal with it.
How do I talk to him about it without getting his back up?

Beruthiel

need some help wrote: »

He gets very defensive if I bring it up, says it's my problem not his

Damn right it's a problem and if he cannot actually see why it is, that would be an even bigger issue with me.
In fact, I'd wonder if seeing a professional would help, cos he would appear to be in total denial.
It is also annoying that he doesn't understand where you are coming from. You have very valid reasons for not going down. You are being soft on him.
Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd be very straight with him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are no longer going near the man. Ever.

SpookyDoll

He gets very defensive if I bring it up, says it's my problem not his or just throws his eyes up to heaven and sighs loudly with a side dish of "well I can't do anything about it".

Well, tell him you cant do anything about it either. You are dead right to make other arrangements.

Your BF and his Mother are invested in the "Ostrich" approach, thats their choice, you can do as you like, you're not obliged to put up and shut up.

Your BF knows well what you are talking about but he doesnt want to discuss it, so dont. Just tell him, you'll be making your own arrangements, you'll go up and show your face to the Ma for an hour or two but he already knows your position on the father so dont keep repeating yourself.

You've stated your case, he's aware, he in denial about it, thats his choice.

You're not interested in being part of the charade, you've stated that.

Pretty much nothing left to be said. Let BF put himself through the misery if he wants, nothing you can do there, he made his choice.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
I just hate the thought of upsetting him over it, even though it's upsetting me.
Because his family fights so much, he hates that kind of thing and it affects him deeply, hence him putting up with step-father. He can be very sensitive.
I want to do the right thing for everyone but I really feel this is one situation I have to put myself first.

MagicMarker

If a family member of mine (doesn't matter who) verbally abused a girlfriend I would go seriously mental!!

Tell your boyfriend to cop on. Tell him you're not going to his house for xmas and that's that! If he has a problem with that then that's HIS problem.

SpookyDoll

need some help wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
I just hate the thought of upsetting him over it, even though it's upsetting me.
Because his family fights so much, he hates that kind of thing and it affects him deeply, hence him putting up with step-father. He can be very sensitive.
I want to do the right thing for everyone but I really feel this is one situation I have to put myself first.

Look, he is already upset about it and you are not the cause of the upset, the family is.

If you try to go along with his way of doing things, you'll be forced into trying to do the impossible ie: spending long tracts of time with his family while biting your tongue.

This is just going to cause huge resentment to you and you will end up exploding at him, then he will be really upset and you will be cast as the villian.

Just tell him its sad and you've tried but you think its for the best this way.

These toxic families can pull you in and cause great divisiveness in your reltionship. To minimise this stick to your guns calmly.

Tell him what you are going to do and do it, he will get used to it.

Also, you cannot do the right thing for "everyone" -make a decision and stick to it.