Difference between always being together and living together?

LegacyUser

Hi Boardies

I have been with my boyfriend for just under a year now - we are in our early 20's, and are crazy about each other.

We tend to spend every evening together, and a lot of evenings during the week together, and the topic came up of moving in together next year. It was just a casual conversation, nothing heavy.

We both pay seperate rent in 2 different places, but generally end up staying in one or the other....

From your experience, and I have a gut feeling that there is a big difference between spending just your evenings together, and actually living in the same place.

Can anybody share their experiences, or thoughts on the above?

Thank you!

tinkerbell

Staying over at each others loads and living together are two completely different things. When you are living separately you always have your own space whereas it's a bit more limited when living together. I moved in with my bf three years ago and it was a big change for both of us but it was a good change and I am sooo glad we moved in together when we did

It might be hard for you guys at the start as you get used to each other's quirks and habits etc. but after a while ye'll be grand!

Aseth

imho it's actually main thing that you learn about each other things that you weren't always aware of. Some are painful to get used to, others will get you so much closer.
When I was dating my now fiance I didn't realize keeping the place clean can be an issue but I also learned that he is very reasonable and that we agree on many more things that I have thought.
In general it may be hard, you may be feeling unsure if you move in and vice versa(except you get completely new place for both of you), you have to learn to compromise much more and sometimes to be tolerant of each other's flaws. But also it will definetely improve your relationship, ie I felt very bad when I knew I have to get back to my place, leaving him for entire week and when I moved in I was really happy it's over.

best of luck OP

Xiney

Unless you have a studio apartment then you'll have your own space in practical terms anyway - nothing saying you have to be in the same room at all times.

Aurora Borealis

The two are not comparable really. It's a far different experience living with someone. I did with one former partner and the sense of security and warmth is really special, as is the excitement of finding a place together that you both like. I think it really cements a relationship. It's something that seems to be entered into much quicker in other European countries. I think here it has connotations of being the final step or something. In my eyes it's just a nice progression and if I was committed to trying at a relationship and felt secure with my feelings for a person I'd do it again. It doesn't have to herald the end of independence, on the contrary it leads to doing more with mates etc as you're not yearning for time together with your OH because at the end of it all you're solid and the fact that you've both taken the step to live together means that's secure. Well that was how it worked for me and I'd recommend it.

seahorse

That's a hard one to answer OP, because the truth is (no matter what anyone elses experiences lead them to believe) each relationship is different and living together will affect different couples in different ways.

If I were you I'd just enjoy my relationship for the moment since it's going so well. Remember that saying: if it's not broken dont fix it!

MagicMarker

IMHO, you're too young and you haven't been together long enough.

As for two different rents, if you get your own place you'll just be paying one huge rent, no difference there! Unless you both rent your own places now and don't share.

seamus

When people talk about "space", they usually refer to being able to sit down and watch telly on your own or otherwise not constantly being in eachother's pockets.

However, the one major thing which changes when you start living with someone is that you have to share what is your most private and most primary of all of your living space - your bedroom.
Many of us won't have shared a bedroom (if at all) since before our teenage years, and now you're a big adult with all of your stuff, all nicely set up the way you want it and with nobody to say any different.
Once you factor in another person, suddenly the way you make your bed is not the way that they would do it. You also lose wardrobe space - if you're male, suddenly you lose 80% of your wardrobe space and the floor is no longer an adequate place to store your clean clothes. If you're female, you probably already have too many clothes in your wardobe, to the point that it frustrates you, and now you have a whole pile of extra clothes in there that aren't even yours.

That's the main difference by a country mile.
When you think staying over + bedroom, you think, "Sex", and that's all.

notalot

I lived on my own for years and found it really difficult when I moved in with my now husband. I was really used to being on my own doing my own thing and suddenly every thing was planned. What will we do for dinner? What are we doing later? I used to eating beans on toast at 10.30 at night if I wanted to.

It took a while to get used to but the strange thing is that when you actually live together you get a bit more of your life back - you have each other at home all the time so you see your friends more and regain your own interests - the time you spend is more real also, sleepovers never show people in their real light. Move in with someone and within three days you'll wonder what you saw in them, good news is they feel the same about you - its all part of sharing, talk about it, its over and then you have a real relationship.

As to whether you're ready only you know that, but the one thing I would say is that I lived on my own from 23-27 and I loved every minute - you migh not get the chance again so really think about your decision.

LolaLuv

Imo, it's worlds apart. All the annoying little things that you might not notice spending a lot of time together drive you nuts when you live together; like leaving dishes around, never cleaning the sink, leaving clothes all around, etc. It is a lot more intimate and fun, and as another poster said, you lose a lot of the mystery. He's going to see you applying all your makeup, wearing face masks, etc. I lived with an ex when I was in my early 20s (mid-20s now) and I swore I'd never do it again, but I think I probably would.

tinkerbell

Xiney wrote:

Unless you have a studio apartment then you'll have your own space in practical terms anyway - nothing saying you have to be in the same room at all times.

seamus wrote: »

When people talk about "space", they usually refer to being able to sit down and watch telly on your own or otherwise not constantly being in eachother's pockets.

Seamus, yes that's exactly what I meant about "space". It's completely different living on your own and being able to just go in and watch the tv or veg out or whatever. Even if there are multiple rooms in your apartment / house, you're still in each other's pockets so to speak.

And like PillyPen says, the bf gets to see his gf without makeup (which is a good thing I think!) but this could be a big deal for some girls and other such things.

I love living with my bf, I wouldn't change it for the world.

gabigeist

notalot wrote: »

when you actually live together you get a bit more of your life back - you have each other at home all the time so you see your friends more and regain your own interests

Couldn't agree more here. Number one reason for moving in together IMO. Takes a lot of the stress out of a relationship if it frees up time for you both...

jim o doom

Yeah living together made life with my OH way better - sure there are moments of stress, especially if you are in a small apartment or something to that effect, because you are in each others back pockets the whole time - but a good social life and support group of friends homes that you can go to when you need "me" time is a major help in that situation.. but yeah it makes spending time together way easier, plus you get to see each other in the mornings (which can make getting out of bed very damn hard)..

bills

yeah huge difference. I just found it very strange at first. We were together every evening living together but it didnt feel like quality time as we were cooking dinner, washing etc. so it just felt weird. I think its important to take time & still do fun things together every week such as going to cinema, dinner etc. Its great to go home though & know he is waiting for me!

ergonomics

MagicMarker wrote: »

IMHO, you're too young and you haven't been together long enough.

I don't agree with that. I moved in with my boyfriend last summer, when I was 20, and it went quite well. Age shouldn't matter, it's whether you feel ready.

For us it was the minor things that caused arguments mainly; wanting to go to bed at separate times, not liking the food, not liking the same tv etc. Once you realise that they are minor problems it shouldn't be a problem. For me the biggest problem was having my own uninterrupted space. When ever I took 'me' time my OH would always pop in and out to see if I needed anything. You will meet bumps when you move in together but most of them can be easily solved.

Like I said at the beginning of the post, make sure it's something you're completely sure about before you do it. You seem hesitant at the moment so maybe it's not the right time. When I told my friends I was moving in with my OH they thought it was a huge commitment and something they couldn't imagine. I, on the other hand, was extremely excited about it, as was my OH, and that's how I knew it was the right decision.

Azureus

i agree with ergonomics! whos to say your too young, and its too soon? that differs for everybody.
im 20, my bf is 22 and we moved in together a few months ago, after being together a year. it was just a more practical solution to seeing eachother as much as we liked! it frees up more time to do your own thing, so you dont lose any independance, or so ive found anyway. i can be more myself and do things with friends more because im not going out of my way to see him
that said, i do think its important to be concious of not getting too used to eachother-make time to go out together, even of its just to the cinema or for a walk once or twice a week.
there will inevitably be little hiccups and things you will have to get used to, but its not hard once you get on!
i had originally intended to move out with friends, but that fell through and now im really glad it did! i wouldnt change things for the world, being at home is always great craic (and theres sex on tap!) give it a chance, it doesnt have to be the massive step that people make it out to be!

SeekUp

A lot of the difference is learning how to think of both the physical space and things in that space as "ours" and not just "mine." I barely passed Sharing 101 when I was a kid, but starting to own things together and make decisions together is really nice, especially since it involves a shared home.

Oh, and for the LOVE of GOD, get some sort of PVR device. It will save you both a lot of grief!!

LegacyUser

OP here - your comments have been fantastic to read... have given me a lot to think about.

I think its because I have lived in rented accomodation since I have been 17 - I am used to MY stuff being in MY room so to speak, cooking for 1 and cleaning up after just myself.

As I said, your comments have been great!!!

louisecm

Two completely different things if you ask me. When you are choosing to spend loads of time together it is still an effort, someone makes the choice to get up and go to where the other person is. The time spent together is still special because its scheduled and designated specifically as time spent together. When you live together its easy to fall into a routine of being in the same place at the same time but not actually "spending time together".

Having lived with someone, and having had it not work, I would definitely be hesitant to recommend moving in unless you're pretty certain this is your forever person and you're willing to put effort into spending quality time together both in and out of the house.

Beruthiel

The big difference imo is running a household together. If not discussed before hand and agreements made, then silly things like money for bills, food and sharing house hold duties can cause rows in the future.
Life will go a lot easier if the above stuff is worked out before it causes problems.