She is 34 and I am 26

LegacyUser

We have been seeing each other for just about a month now. It all started very quickly I suppose, we had sex 4 days after first meeting and have been continuing to do so. At first I was mad into her, as is the norm at the very start, but my feelings have subsided somewhat. I still really like her and I think she is great. Although, being honest, I would take the opportunity to connect with another girl I liked if the chance came along.

The beginning was a whirlwind and now I think I am in a position where I could end up hurting her feelings. I really do not want to do that because I like her so much as a person. I am confused about what to do and I am a bit scared that I might not do anything at all. Here are some of the things she has said so far:

She has said; "I think I like you more than you like me", " I do not want to feel like we just meet up for a few drinks and sleep together" , "I want to have a boyfriend, I miss not having someone". "Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like I'm just 'there'

She is 8 years older than me and I do not really know if she wants to get married soon or what the deal is. I feel like perhaps I am being cruel by continuing to sleep with her and it has been weighing on my mind. But I like her, the prospect of not seeing her at all, if I tell her that it would probably be better for us to just be friends, is depressing.

I do not know what to do. The holidays are coming up and Valentines is not too far behind that. If we go through that stuff together it will be so much harder to end the relationship afterwards. Being selfish, perhaps I am reluctant to let go of a sexual partner without having a replacement but that is just physical lust and I know I should rise above that and respect her feelings.

My head is wrecked because I like her but I know I do not want to marry her and I am pretty sure that deep down I am still looking.

She is not by any means looking for me to propose but I know she does not want me to continue sleeping with her without some fairly solid commitment. I respect her for that, I just don't think she is the girl for me long term.

I just don't know what to do, please help. Thanks

uberwolf

Unregistered wrote: »

I just don't know what to do, please help. Thanks

Unregistered wrote: »

I would take the opportunity to connect with another girl I liked if the chance came along.

asked and answered buddy.

Just be straight with her, she may feel she's less time than you do

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

My head is wrecked because I like her but I know I do not want to marry her and I am pretty sure that deep down I am still looking.

She is not by any means looking for me to propose but I know she does not want me to continue sleeping with her without some fairly solid commitment. I respect her for that, I just don't think she is the girl for me long term.

You do kind of know what to do... You dont have plans with her for the future and she wants so kind of assurance.. The kindest thing to do is to explain to her nicely and then move on...

RedXIV

Fair play, you're not only thinking of her but you've been bluntly honest in the fact you know you are in this for the sex. Time for the talk, point out that at this moment in time you don't think you two are right for each other. She may get upset or she may get mad but at least she'll know. As said earlier, she may be thinking about settling down soon and if you lead her on, she'll be frustrated at the time wasted

metrovelvet

Women over thirty will not give a crap that its Christmas or Valentines when the bottom line is you are wasting time they don't have.

No doubt your ambivalence is far more confusing and cruel then bad timing in letting things go.

Rev. Kitchen

All she wants is to know your not just using her for the drunken ride but that you are interested in her she isnt thinking about getting married or anything like that its just she doesnt like th efeeling of being used, women are weird like that.

Either treat her proberly or break up with her. or at the very least tell her where you stand.

LegacyUser

Just to clarify a little bit. She is by no means a "drunken ride", as one poster eloquently put it, to me. We hang out, ride bikes, go out for bites, play pub trivia; boyfriend/girlfriend type stuff basically.

CianRyan

Have you made your relationship official, as in BF/GF?
Maybe thats all she's after for now.
A bit of security.

Talk to her about what she wants from what you've got.
Might be plesently surprised.

Chucky the tree

It's pretty obvious you do what you want to do, you just dont have the balls to do it.

Nevyn

metrovelvet wrote: »

Women over thirty will not give a crap that its Christmas or Valentines when the bottom line is you are wasting time they don't have.

No doubt your ambivalence is far more confusing and cruel then bad timing in letting things go.

Hang on not ALL women over 30 want or are looking for a spouse and/or someone to have children with.

Talk to her, see what you both want and if your wants and goals are too
incompatible then you can determine what type of a relationship if any you both want.

Chucky the tree

Thaedydal wrote: »

Talk to her, see what you both want and if your wants and goals are too
incompatible then you can determine what type of a relationship if any you both want.

It seems that he's done that already.

Unregistered wrote: »

She has said; "I think I like you more than you like me", " I do not want to feel like we just meet up for a few drinks and sleep together" , "I want to have a boyfriend, I miss not having someone". "Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like I'm just 'there'

MIN2511

She seems svery sensitive as it is...

My 2c

• Better late than never, tell how what you feel for her and let her go
• She would be disappointed but i hope she is matured about it and moves on.

As you said it's only been a month, it would be easier to move on now than a few minutes down the line.

Nevyn

There is a big difference from wanting someone in your life to date and be with and
wanting to settle in for the long haul and pick out curtains.

Just cos she likes being with him does not mean she want kids or anything along those lines.

giddybootz

Unregistered wrote: »

We have been seeing each other for just about a month now. It all started very quickly I suppose, we had sex 4 days after first meeting and have been continuing to do so. At first I was mad into her, as is the norm at the very start, but my feelings have subsided somewhat.

Usually that 'mad about each other' beginning part lasts alot longer that a month. i think the fact that your feelings are already diminishing means this really isn't meant to be. it would be so much easier to call a halt to it now rather than another few months down the line.

hope you get it sorted without too much pain/stress.

Chucky the tree

Thaedydal wrote: »

There is a big difference from wanting someone in your life to date and be with and
wanting to settle in for the long haul and pick out curtains.

Just cos she likes being with him does not mean she want kids or anything along those lines.

Is there?


Usually want to have a boyfriend in the hope it will go somewhere, which will led to settling down for the long haul and picking out cutains. I doubt people think " Oh I'll date this person for a few years, but when it comes time to picking out curtains with her I'll finish it".

Nevyn

Not everyone is looking for a happy ever after, some are looking for happy for a while.
He is not going to know unless he talks to her about it.

ThunderCat

Im currently going out with a 33 year old woman and im 25 so i can relate to this as there is the same age gap. Ive been with her for over 2 years now and when i first went out with her i was delighted to have hooked up with her because she's a lovely girl, she was (and still is) beautiful and of course had more sexual experience than me which i was looking forward to experiencing. At first i was also aprehensive about what she wanted from me (ie) marriage, children, and just how quickly she wanted these things, but its true that not all women over 30 are looking for a quick wedding before time "runs out". We are stronger than ever now and the future looks bright for us and there is no pressure on us to do anything for the sake of it. Ive also realised that age doesnt come into it for us and she is more suited to me than anyone my age. My advice is to be honest with her and give it a little bit of time to see what develops. Good Luck.

LegacyUser

Speaking as a 34yr old I'd much rather know the truth. If someone told me they'd no plans to settle down I'd happily move along. Maybe she doesn't want a family but it would be very unfair if you don't give her the chance to decide if what you're offering is worth sticking around for.

LegacyUser

You shouldn't have slept with her, especially not after 4 days. Do you not think it's a bit shallow to be that intimate with someone so soon after meeting? Now she's given herself to you and you're going to dump her ... if you don't like her anymore then definitely end it or else you are stringing her along but in future you should wait until you are in a serious, long term relationship with someone you actually love before jumping into bed together. Otherwise it turns sex into a joke and not the special, sacred thing it should be.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Now she's given herself to you

Hold on a sec!!! What year are we in ? 1809 ?

She's an adult, she decided she wanted to have sex too. Two consenting adults = no problem.

Yes, the OP is racing miles ahead in relation to "does she want marraige" and freaking himself out, because it's WAY too soon to even think that way.

But "blaming" him for wanting sex is way out of line; it takes two to tango.

My advice: switch off the voice in your head, OP, or else talk to her. If you can enjoy what's there without worrying about "down the line" then you might actually reach "down the line" naturally; otherwise you DEFINITELY won't.

LegacyUser

I'm the poster who suggested he shouldn't have had sex with her so soon. I didn't mean to sound prudish. I'm not old but it's just whatever way you look at sex. I think a lot of people on this board and in general are too liberal about sleeping around. I think sometimes it's a bit sordid and I wonder if a lot of it is actually true ? Or are people just bragging ? I don't think jumping in and out of bed with different partners with the regularity that people who post here seem to do (not talking about this particular case) is necessarily anything to be proud about - especially when they don't even love each other. Why does everything have to be wanted yesterday ? People don't seem to be able to wait for anything. I just think it's all got a bit crude, vulgar and out of hand. I'm not saying people should wait until they are married to have sex, although I would respect those who do feel that way, but surely sex should be with someone you love at least ? See I wont be popular for making this stance but I wonder how many young people out there agree but are afraid to say so.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I am pretty sure that deep down I am still looking.

That comment seems pretty clear. If you cannot see her in your future then don't waste anymore of her, and your time.
btw I met my partner when he was 26, I was 34. I wasn't looking for marriage or any of the stuff related to it. I had, and still have no interest in any of that. We are together for 9 years now. So don't think because there is an age difference that it makes any difference.

Be straight and honest with her, tell her how you feel and ask her what her expectations are. Quit making stuff up in your head, you don't know what she wants until she tells you. Talk to her.

Unregistered wrote: »

You shouldn't have slept with her, especially not after 4 days.

Some grown ups are actually quite happy to have sex straight away, it takes two to tango and she was willing. There are no rules and two consenting adults can do as they please.

LegacyUser

Of course they can do what they like. It's a free world. You can jump off a building or rob a bank after four dates, that doesn't make it right. Any couple who don't love each other, regardless of how long they've been together, and have sex, have no respect for themselves or the other person and should ask themselves one simple question - "why ?"