Grief

LegacyUser

I just read through draffodx's thread about his/her father dying and it brings back memories of similar for me. My father died a few months back of a long drawn out disease. Nobody close to me had ever died to me so never really felt grief or knew what to expect. We got on fine, I wouldn't say we were close least in the way others seem to be with their fathers but I respected him and he was a good man.
When I got told he passed on I felt relief as he suffered fairly badly in his last days and I didn't want to see him suffer any more. The thing is that is all I felt and that has not changed to this day.

I have heard people describe a death of someone close to them as a hole inside them which will not go away, unimaginable sadness etc and I have just never had that. I don't feel sad and nor did I ever feel it. It has emotionally in no way affected me (least I think it hasn't) Life has gone on as normal for me. I try be rational about everything and while I of course wish he never got the illness. He did get it and that is just how it is and I am accepting of that.

I can honestly say I have been more affected and more hurt by when certain sports teams or individuals who I support lose then his death. That just can't be right. Even as I type this I have a weird feeling in my stomach knowing that, mostly unease I guess. The more I type the harder it gets to type more. I know that shouldn't be how I really feel and I shouldn't be telling people about it.

I know all grief is different for each individual and we handle it our own ways but is this "right" Have others felt this, or not felt it as the case is? It just feels wrong and well almost selfish and that's pretty uncomfortable.

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hiya OP,

I totally understand where you're coming from. I lost my mother a couple of years ago, when I was eighteen, but we'd known she was dying for a few years. I was quite close to her, and watching her suffer for so long was hard. When she died, I felt relief, and a strange mixture of sadness and happiness. "Happiness" - sounds strange, I know, but it's because I knew by the time she'd died we'd said our goodbyes, there was nothing left "unresolved" between us. She had accepted she was going to die, and so had we, we were all prepared for the eventuality and it seemed cruel to wish for her to stay and suffer and longer.

I think that, when someone dies as a result of a long illness, you do suffer grief - but you go through all that when the person is still alive. And because your father was still there, and you could still see him and talk to him, it makes the whole grieving process a lot easier. By the time he actually died, you were probably "all grieved out" as such. It's not a bad thing, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

However, in the past year, three people I know as "friends of friends" have died. These were young people, who died unexpectedly - two in road accidents, and one as the result of a previously unknown heart condition. I was devastated even though I wasn't particularly close to these people. I'm not sure if this is because they were so young, and they died before their time, with no chance for their close friends and families to say goodbyes .... or maybe a psychologist would argue that I was transferring my grief for my mother somehow??

My (eventual!) point is, there is no right and wrong way to grieve, and you should definitely not feel guilty about your feelings. That's what they are - your feelings - you are not obliged to explain them or rationalise them to anyone. And please just try to be happy that at least you got the chance to say anything that needed to be said to each other before he died.

Finally, what would your father rather? That you wasted years of your life getting nowhere because of depression and grief over his passing? Or that you get on with your life, as you're doing, but remembering him fondly?

Best wishes xx

username123

I think sometimes when someone has an illness and is suffering that we grieve before they pass on - we know its coming, we actually want it to come so the person can be at peace. The relief you describe is perfectly natural, if you didnt have an enormously close relationship then I wouldnt expect you to feel like you had a hole inside yourself.

Try not to beat yourself up over how you feel, they are your feelings, own them and dont feel bad that you didnt feel overcome with the kinds of grief that some people feel. It is different for everyone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

Unregistered wrote: »

Hiya OP,

I totally understand where you're coming from. I lost my mother a couple of years ago, when I was eighteen, but we'd known she was dying for a few years. I was quite close to her, and watching her suffer for so long was hard. When she died, I felt relief, and a strange mixture of sadness and happiness. "Happiness" - sounds strange, I know, but it's because I knew by the time she'd died we'd said our goodbyes, there was nothing left "unresolved" between us. She had accepted she was going to die, and so had we, we were all prepared for the eventuality and it seemed cruel to wish for her to stay and suffer and longer.

I think that, when someone dies as a result of a long illness, you do suffer grief - but you go through all that when the person is still alive. And because your father was still there, and you could still see him and talk to him, it makes the whole grieving process a lot easier. By the time he actually died, you were probably "all grieved out" as such. It's not a bad thing, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

However, in the past year, three people I know as "friends of friends" have died. These were young people, who died unexpectedly - two in road accidents, and one as the result of a previously unknown heart condition. I was devastated even though I wasn't particularly close to these people. I'm not sure if this is because they were so young, and they died before their time, with no chance for their close friends and families to say goodbyes .... or maybe a psychologist would argue that I was transferring my grief for my mother somehow??

My (eventual!) point is, there is no right and wrong way to grieve, and you should definitely not feel guilty about your feelings. That's what they are - your feelings - you are not obliged to explain them or rationalise them to anyone. And please just try to be happy that at least you got the chance to say anything that needed to be said to each other before he died.

Finally, what would your father rather? That you wasted years of your life getting nowhere because of depression and grief over his passing? Or that you get on with your life, as you're doing, but remembering him fondly?

Best wishes xx

This makes sense. I oft thought if he had died suddenly it would have been much harder to accept, watching him suffer was by far the worst part. I think what you say about grieving during the illness makes sense although I wouldn't say everything was resolved. There are things I would have liked to done differently looking back but what can you do. I wouldn't bring him back just for that. He had suffered enough.