Escaping the 'Friend' Trap!

dceire

I'll try not to bore you with the details its the usual, college girl on my course who i really fancy, story! Anyway i fear that i may have fallen into the 'friend trap' and now she's even talking about trying to set me up with another girl she recons i fancy!

Things seemed to be progressing ok until now with texting etc but that seems frivolous now. Is there any hope of coming out of the 'friend' bracket?

minidazzler

Technically you can get out of the Friend Zone, but It is something that is difficult to do,

My advice, throw your balls to the wall and ask her on a proper date, whats the worst that could happen? She says no? Boo hoo, your in college, I assume in Maynooth, (due to your location), There are lots of hot girls there.

So, in conclusions, just let the chips fall where they may and ask her. GO ON DO IT!!!!

Wibbs

Stop being just her friend and act more like her potential lover. She will be only to glad to see you can be her friend too after that.

mikemac

Wibbs wrote: »

She will be only to glad to see you can be her friend too after that.

Not always that simple. Things could get very awkward if the OP gets turned down or maybe they hook up but it falls apart

I say go for it.
But I wouldn't say you'll be friends if it fails. Maybe you will, nobody can predict

I might have misread your post Wibbs, you can see what I'm getting at but you maybe you meant something else

cantdecide

A mate of mine would say to you 'Sh*t or bust'. I don't know what it means exactly but the sentiments is a bit like "'e 'oo dares, wins". Tell her that you like her too much to waste the opportunity and you're prepared to risk your friendship.

Wibbs

micmclo wrote: »

I might have misread your post Wibbs, you can see what I'm getting at but you maybe you meant something else

Maybe. I meant that too often men fall into the trap of trying to be her friend first, rather than being her lover. Get her thinking of you as a lover first. Friendship comes after that. You can turn a lover into a friend and indeed should do, but turning a friend into a lover is far more difficult. Especially for men. If the woman doesn't feel you're a sexual being and potential partner it's usually the kiss of death. IMHO this happens more and more as men have women mates they secretly fancy. Then they wonder why said mates go off with men who are not their mates.

Queencake

Tbh if I was trying to set up a guy I met and became friendly with, it would mean I wasn't interested in him at all romantically. You're in the friend zone and tbh your chances don't look good.

Saying that I've seen it happen that guys get out of the friend zone. I was friends with my bf before we got together. I thought he was lovely but I tended to go for the wrong kinda guys so I wasn't into him at all. After some time, I heard he had a crush on me, I was flattered and all my friends said I should go out on a date with him but I was worried it wouldn't work. Soon though I thought what the hell, maybe it's time I cut the bad boy crap. Long story short, I was very quickly smitten and it's the best relationship I've ever been in. We're nearly going out a year now

So yes it can happen. But there's so many factors at play. The best advice I can give you is make sure it's not merely lust. If it isn't if you're genuinely smitten (which you appear to be) then...


-Tell her first of all that you've no interest in her friend. Or any others she may suggest. Tell her there's another girl you're interested in. Just leave it at that. Trust me, we're girls and we will instantly think "Ooh I wonder who it is...Is it that blonde one who sits ahead of us in lectures? Maybe...Could it be...Me?! Nah...But maybe? Oh God..." DON'T TELL HER WHO IT IS AT THIS STAGE. See how she reacts over the next week.

-Make an effort to act more like a potential suitor than a mate. Try to talk to her by herself in person as much as possible. Don't txt too much. Keep a lil to yourself. Invite her to things with just the two of you.

-Don't be too nice. This is important. Don't give her loadsa compliments or praise. Any compliments you give should be sparce but genuine and not when she's fishing for one.

-It's underhanded yes, but hell it worked for me and my fella, so I recommend letting her know you're interested through mutural friends. Not a load of friends. Just one or two. Anymore and she'll feel pressurised and probably think you're running around telling the world and his mother.

-Based on her reaction to all of the above, invite her to a night out, if she's interested at all she'll give you some signals and you can go in for the kill.

-Tell her you've liked her for a while and ask her for a date.

Wagon

Yeah if she's trying to set you up then your in the freind zone. Ask her anyway, it'll at least get it off your chest.

Wibbs

Good advice from Queencake there. Maybe I'm wrong but I have noticed women in the early flirty, I may want this guy, prefer to be a little off balance emotionally and actually prefer not knowing where they stand to some degree. Possible competition from other women in their minds is not always a bad thing either.

TripleAce

When I read the thread title I seriously though you were trying to escape from him!!!

Wibbs

TripleAce stay on topic please.

veryangryman

Sometimes a gamble pays off. But yes its a gamble

Be assertive in your interests - but as QC says, dont kiss ass. Its a balancing act best summed up in the chorus of Tightrope by Stone Roses.

marie_85

A slightly different POV:

1) It's possible she likes you and is using this set up idea to find out whether you like her or not.

2) It's possible she knows you like her and is using this set up idea to let you down gently.

OR

3) Neither of the above and the set up is genuine and she is totally oblivious.

dceire

Thanks for all the advice! I think my biggest problem with asking her out is that we are in a small enough college and all of each others classes! She's also in my group for all of our group projects for the year as well so if i jump straight in & ask her out & she says no there's no getting away from her afterwards.

Overheal

getting out of the friend zone...

Eliminate Contact For A Few Weeks

Remove yourself from her for a while. Sometimes 2-3 weeks is enough, sometimes a month or two. And I mean COMPLETELY. You should not see or talk to her. Your goal is to reset your associations with her and come back to her as if your "catching up" with each other and haven't seen each other for a while. When you come back to her it is important that you reverse the frame on her within the first few times you see her. Don't set a sexual frame at all, it will be unknown to her and she probably won't expect one of her "friends" to act like that. It will "shock/surprise" her. And you don't want that in this case. With a random sexual frame, she will react as being uncomfortable and it will be awkward.

Reverse The Frame

When I say reverse the frame, I mean to reverse it by carefully making it seem like she is the one who is wants you. This is one of the few situations where I would definitely disqualify her at an opportune time.

For example, since you are friends, it's likely she will say something positive about you at some point. Especially if you haven't seen her for a while. Such as "I missed you!" Just say things like "oh geez, don't be clingy, you know I'm too good for you anyways..". But say it in a VERY jokingly way. Give her a gay little shuv even just for good measure. Make sure your smiling and she knows your just teasing. This should be done less cocky and more funny.

Out Of The Friendzone, Into The "Flirty Zone"

When you say these kinds of things every now and then, it will adjust your friendship into a flirty sort of one. This is how you eventually will get your opportunity to move from flirty to sexual. But once your LJBF'd, you cannot achieve the perception of a potential suitor until you cross into the "flirty zone". Once you achieve a flirtacious friendship, then you can advance it to flirting + light kino. See below for kino tactics. Flirting with her should start from the minute that you see her after your little two or three week "break".

At first, it will be you flirting with her, keep it sarchastic and funny. Eventually, you should start to see her initiate flirtyness more often when you see her. The more often she gets flirty with you, the more closer you are to being able to move to the next step of getting out of LJBF.

Proper Kino Escalation In A LJBF Situation

Initial Kino should be punches in the arm, butt bumps, and lame gay **** like that cuz it is non-threatening. Speaking of your kino task. You should escalate in this order:

1) nudging/arm punching/butt bumps when joking with each other

2) Sitting closer together (if your on a couch, see if she lets you lay your head in her lap as if you were tired and falling asleep, lay your head on her lap with your back to her -- its less threatening)

3) Put your arm around her neck while your walking&talking. Do this only for like 10-15 seconds or so, MAX, then release her. Keep doing this every so often until she responds by wrapping her arms around your waist. Until she wraps around your waist, do not move foward to the next kino step.

4) When your walking with your arms around each other each other (above), let go and grab her hand. Then walk while holding hands for a minute or two and then let go.

Act like this is all happenning naturally. It is important that you release her before she has the option to push you away.

5) If you got away with holding hands, you can get away with kissing her. Don't kiss her the first time you hold hands.

6) To kiss her: Wait until the 2nd time you hold hands (while walking&talking) and when you stop walking, so will she. Turn your shoulders towards her to face her slowly and closely. Lean in and kiss her. Don't lean in too much tho.

These 6 kino steps should be a slow process that may take place over a few different days with her. Seperate each kino step by atleast 1-2 hours. Calibration is very important. If you go to much too fast? You blew it.

You should never discuss "Dating" with her or say anything that implies that you want to date her. If you ask her out, tell her you want to "spend the day with her". And take her out and just chill with her, tease her, kino escalate, release. Your going to be doing A LOT of Bait Hook Reel Release.

A great place to take her to accomplish a "day together" is the beach. Take her somewhere that you will do a lot of walking. Preferably the state fair, the beach, avoid the mall. Take her wine tasting, etc.. You'll need to do a lot of bumping/teasting/nudging/teasing etc... and you can't do that sitting down in a gay ass movie theater. DO NOT TAKE HER TO THE MOVIES.

100% of the time you should maintain the idea that you didn't expect this to happen bla bla bla. But don't say it unless she says something first. You need to down play this whole experience. It will be very awkward to her if you push to fast, get to aggressive, talk about needy ****, have needy body language, etc...

and thats "Get out of the LJBF Zone 101"... folks

Best of Luck, Always.

Wibbs

Bloody hell! I've had less complex instructions from ikea self assembly furniture. I can see how it would work though if you were doing it naturally. Seems logical.

Overheal

Wibbs wrote: »

Bloody hell! I've had less complex instructions from ikea self assembly furniture. I can see how it would work though if you were doing it naturally. Seems logical.

you have to remember that was written by one of the master pickup artists from the group responsible for The Game. IKEA wont get you a woman :pac:

towel401

Overheal wrote: »

you have to remember that was written by one of the master pickup artists from the group responsible for The Game. IKEA wont get you a woman :pac:

i thought that was supposed to be a load of bollox. or is it just wimmins saying that to make it easier for them to put guys in the friend zone?

dceire

Seems like a bit of a dummies guide...so it should suit me then!

Seriously though some of it make some sense so i'll do my best to make use of it. I've finished up college for the Christmas, other than one day next week when we're all in, so i wont see her until her b'day after Christmas maybe then i can give the whole clean slate theory a shot.

Overheal

towel401 wrote: »

i thought that was supposed to be a load of bollox. or is it just wimmins saying that to make it easier for them to put guys in the friend zone?

Its all really just a dummies guide to women, theres no holy grail.

Jack B. Badd

I might be wrong but I get the impression that all the PUA malarkey works for a particular type of woman and a particular type of encounter and I seriously doubt it'll get you a long term girlfriend worth her salt. Personally, if one of my mates gave me a "gay little shove (wtf is a shuv?!)" I'd probably try to have him committed

TargetWidow

If there aren't any sparks, she's not interested. If there are.... don't discuss it. Pull her into a corner, say something like "I've been waiting ages to do this...." and kiss her. She'll either slap your chops or kiss you back. Either way it's not the end of the universe and you will have dealt with the thing and won't be stuck between floors in an intrigue elevator!!!

Or put the ball in her court like my hubby did. After hours of "chatting" one night he got fed up with chatting at about 4 am and said "so, are you gonna bring me to the beach and rape me or what?!" You gotta admire the nuts!:D

Duno, I was friends with my bf for well over a year before we got together, and now we're extremely happy. It's possible though you do need to let her know how you feel - ask her out.
If she says no act like it's not the end of the world and resume being as friendly as you can ( I only say this because of your close college and project work ).

K-Bowie

Just flirt with her if she responds its a good indication that she does actually like you.
You could also talk to one of her friends about her though and try scope it out from her friend if she likes you.