Tuesday Quickies

rocky25 · 09-12-2008 9:33am #1

I went a bit mad watching my team the other day.

They lost to a last minute penalty and I ended up kicking the bejayus out of the spectators next to me.

My brother said it’s the last time he brings his family round to watch sky sports.
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says,

"Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.

"He's taken her fecking appendix out!"

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy-dress party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup treacle.

Pour the tin of golden syrup treacle over your bald head,

stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

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Addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with Gaul.

We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd got on their feet and shouted "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says “He doesn't half talk some crap eh?

He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later Caesar comes back having conquered Gaul and Germania up to the Rhine and again addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign and, as I promised, we were victorious and the whole of Gaul has now been conquered.

We killed 50,000 Gallic rebels".

The masses rose to their feet again.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate

"I'm sick of his bull; I'm off to Gaul to check this out."

So Brutus sets off for Gaul and three weeks later he returns to Rome as Caesar is again addressing the masses in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow our glorious Legions set off for Britannia and we are going to sort those bastards out"

The crowd rises and, as one,

shout "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts

"Caesar, you are a liar.

You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in your campaign but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"