Am i a complete bitch?

LegacyUser

Long story but basically i was with a guy for 5 years an had a house an a baby together but after trying for a long time to make the relationship work i decided to end it for my own sanity. Did think about how he would be hurt and how it would affect the baby but even though i'm sure i'll always love him i really didn't feel anything for him as a boyfriend anymore so thought it better to walk away now than leave it go any longer.
Thing is i started seein someone a few weeks ago an really like him cos he treats me well an has showed me how to have fun an enjoy life again an i told the ex about it cos i didn't want him to find out off anyone else but i don't think he took it too well an now i feel like a complete bitch.

Mr. Incognito

So you met a new guy and have had a bit of fun. What happens when the shine rubs off as it always done.

In my opinion you already know you're in the wrong.

Moving on etc, is a part of life. Meeting someone new and rubbing it in his face is just vindictive and selfish.

EDIT, misread. thought you had left him for this new guy. If you had a fair go at it fair enough- you have to move on sometime. Thought new guy was reason ended it with old guy.

Steve01

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Moving on etc, is a part of life. Meeting someone new and rubbing it in his face is just vindictive and selfish.

I'm sorry but 'rubbing it in'? She told him up front because he didn't want him to find out off anyone else. Wheres the vindictiveness in that?

And to the OP, no you're not a complete bitch. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

So you met a new guy and have had a bit of fun. What happens when the shine rubs off as it always done.

In my opinion you already know you're in the wrong.

Moving on etc, is a part of life. Meeting someone new and rubbing it in his face is just vindictive and selfish.

Where did the OP rub it in? You must not have much life experience... or experience with partners.

OP you done the right thing, stand proud and enjoy your new life... Don't worry about your EX too much, he had his chance.

Don't listen to Mr.Incognito... hasn't a clue...

Queencake

It's disrespectful to your ex (who I'm guessing wasn't a bad guy) to get with someone very quickly after the break up. Sure people will eat me alive for saying that but that's how I feel. I've been at the receiving end so granted it's a sore point with me but I've always felt this way. Ah feck, I'm gonna be getting muttered at by people glaring at their keyboards amn't I?!

LegacyUser

You obviously have been out of love with the ex for a while. You met someone else, there was a good chance he was going to find out so you decided to tell him? I presume you used your good judgment and he won't put himself in danger?

I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

Silverfish

Queencake wrote: »

It's disrespectful to your ex (who I'm guessing wasn't a bad guy) to get with someone very quickly after the break up. Sure people will eat me alive for saying that but that's how I feel. I've been at the receiving end so granted it's a sore point with me but I've always felt this way. Ah feck, I'm gonna be getting muttered at by people glaring at their keyboards amn't I?!

I don't see anywhere in the OP where she mentioned how 'quickly' she got with someone else?

OP, you did nothing wrong, in fact, you did a very brave thing, rather than try and drag out a relationship that was finished.
Your ex will get over it in time, I'm sure he realises that himself. He will be miserable for a while - its always hard when an ex starts seeing someone new - but don't let it ruin things in your own life.

Kidchameleon

Hi,

I think you did the right thing, you tried your best to sort out the first realtionship, fair play you gave it your best shot. It will be a bit of a kick in the nuts for him that you found somebody so soon after but he will get over it. Make sure you and your ex always put your kid first, im sure you will.

Good Luck to you, ex and kid and good luck in new love!!!

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Queencake wrote: »

It's disrespectful to your ex (who I'm guessing wasn't a bad guy) to get with someone very quickly after the break up. Sure people will eat me alive for saying that but that's how I feel. I've been at the receiving end so granted it's a sore point with me but I've always felt this way. Ah feck, I'm gonna be getting muttered at by people glaring at their keyboards amn't I?!

Disrespectful to her ex? How so? Getting with another guy? Even if it was 2 or 3 days... Do you put a limit on when it is ok to love again? The OP did try to sort out the relationship first but it didn't work so I really don't see the problem here.

OP do keep your child in mind and do what is best for her/him.

JJJJNR

Hold on a sec, its all very convienent here, girl is unhappy in current relationship meets "knight in shining armour" who fancies her.

Quote :

walk away now than leave it go any longer.
Thing is i started seein someone a few weeks ago an really like him.

....

So she's going to walk away now, as she is confident that Mr.Knight is Mr.Right, so this girl knows exactly where she's going and is planning this in advance. Her boyfriend meanwhile who has been around for the last 5 years, been through the whole "bringing up the family" is dumped for no other reason than that she is bored.

Hmmm nice one PI, you've really helped this family stick together, bunch of homewreckers.

OP you should be ashamed of yourself for not wanting to make the effort with your B/F seems to me that you knew exactly what you were doing and are on here trying to justify it.

Silverfish

If you read the original post, the OP broke up with her ex before starting a new relationship.

I'm not sure why so many people are attacking her for finding happiness after trying for a long time to make it work with her ex.

JJJJNR

I did read that, but ending a 5 year relationship "decided to end it for my own sanity", seems a bit selfish. There is counciling out there and there is such things as having a short break without becoming attached to the first person that makes you laugh, its called being a mature adult and I do think that the OP is thinking of herself and being a "bitch".

cos he treats me well an has showed me how to have fun an enjoy life again Bored person seeks a bit of fun and risk taking ...IMO

Silverfish

JJJJNR wrote: »

I did read that, but ending a 5 year relationship "decided to end it for my own sanity", seems a bit selfish. There is counciling out there and there is such things as having a short break without becoming attached to the first person that makes you laugh, its called being a mature adult and I do think that the OP is thinking of herself and being a "bitch".

cos he treats me well an has showed me how to have fun an enjoy life again Bored person seeks a bit of fun and risk taking ...IMO

What you are advocating here is nobody should break up ever, but go for counselling? Sorry, but that's just not how life is.

The OP did not explain fully why she broke up with her ex, but she did, without there being someone new on the scene, which she is perfectly entitled to do. That is not the issue or the discussion in this thread.

The OP is being made to feel horrible by her ex for starting a new relationship.
Now, if you are saying once people break up, neither of them can ever have another relationship, well.... that's just not how life works either.

JJJJNR

Hmm well maybe after 5 years together, a house, a child, dare I say "history" , I think counselling would be the right place for OP and EX. If the OP had been "going out" with the person for shorter or have no history then of course they should break up.. but because there is so much between them, they should have taken a break, they both deserve a good life, I just think throwing all the above away.

How did you become a MOD of "personal issues" and have a name of "pwnstar" or whatever.. that seems a bit crazy.

Wibbs

JJJJNR wrote: »

How did you become a MOD of "personal issues" and have a name of "pwnstar" or whatever.. that seems a bit crazy.

Ease up on that line of posting thanks.

cHaTbOx

JJJJNR wrote: »

Hmm well maybe after 5 years together.

5 years is nothing in the scheme of things and I think if she needed to do it for her own sanity, she was better off leaving him. You don't know the details. The OP is just saying that she felt bitchy for telling him.

I think it actually shows she is caring. She was caring enough to tell him before he heard it through he grapevine .

OP you are not a bitch at all. A bitch wouldn't have cared that he heard it from them. You have moved on and so should he .

Wibbs

I think after five years and if you both actually worked on it, well then feeling guilty is not healthy. IE you're not a bitch.

JJJJNR

random chatbox wrote: »

5 years is nothing in the scheme of things and I think if she needed to do it for her own sanity, she was better off leaving him. You don't know the details. The OP is just saying that she felt bitchy for telling him.

I think it actually shows she is caring. She was caring enough to tell him before he heard it through he grapevine .

OP you are not a bitch at all. A bitch wouldn't have cared that he heard it from them. You have moved on and so should he .

Whatabout their house + child, does that fall under the nothing scheme of things also.. ah well. life seems fairly cheap here. Think I've said enough. Hope OP is happy with the decisions she's made.

cHaTbOx

JJJJNR wrote: »

life seems fairly cheap here.

Life is so precious that the time we do have ,needs to be worth living .We should be happy and healthy foremost and after that it will fall into place.
If the mother is unhappy it will not be likely the child will be and growing up in that environment will not help.

MagicMarker

To be fair, it does sound like the OP walked away from a relationship rather easily. Of course that's her perogative but with a child in the mix I don't think it's unreasonable to at least seek some professional help first.

As for whether she's a bitch, I don't know. Did she tell her ex because she was afraid he'd find out via other means or did she tell him because she subconciously wanted to make him jealous and as a result has this weird blanket of guilt hovering over her?

Personally, jumping out of a 5 year relationship straight into a new relationship is asking for trouble.

shellyboo

JJJJNR wrote: »

Whatabout their house + child, does that fall under the nothing scheme of things also.. ah well. life seems fairly cheap here. Think I've said enough. Hope OP is happy with the decisions she's made.

A house certainly falls under the nothing scheme of things... I'm sure you wouldn't suggest that two people stay together simply because they've bought a house together? Happiness is more important than equity or financial ties.

The child is another matter - of course they should make an effort for the child, but the OP has stated that she spent a long time trying to make the relationship work - what reason do you have for not believing her? How do you know they haven't been to counselling already as part of that?

The OP's issue is not whether or not she should have left her partner, it's whether she's a bad person for moving on. The answer is no.

OP, some men persist in thinking that they somehow have some claim over you even when you're split up, that there's some sort of moratorium on moving on and getting over it. There is not. The relationship is over, you're free to do as you wish; and in fact for some people, seeing someone else is just what they need to get over an old relationship and move on.

While it would indeed be a tad insensitive to be making moves on another guy the day after the breakup - which by the sounds of things you didn't even do - you did the best you could by telling your ex before he found out about it elsewhere. You weren't rubbing his face in it at all - if he was hurt, that's his issue. Perhaps he thought there was a hope that you two would get back together?

In any case, there's nothing you can do unless you plan on being celibate the rest of your life just to save his feelings.

Silverfish

MagicMarker wrote: »

Personally, jumping out of a 5 year relationship straight into a new relationship is asking for trouble.

I appear to be continuously misreading the OP.

Can someone show me where she "jumped straight into" the new relationship, I don't see the time frame mentioned in her post?


OP, could you clarify if possible?

jessbeth

You're not a bitch, you're just getting on with your life. There would have been no point in staying just to make somebody else happy. You would've ended up depressed. Good luck with the new guys and have fun.

meditraitor

No need to feel bad, you did nothing wrong.

Good luck

laughin'joe

No your spot on for what you done, you could have done what most women do and go out find a new man be with him for a while and then tell the other man..."that it's over, there is no one else and I just don't love you anymore and haven't for a while" when in fact you are already in the middle of a new relationship.....butno you have noting to be guilty about....just wish every woman was like you and done the right thing....go free and enjoy your life.

Unregistered wrote: »

Long story but basically i was with a guy for 5 years an had a house an a baby together but after trying for a long time to make the relationship work i decided to end it for my own sanity. Did think about how he would be hurt and how it would affect the baby but even though i'm sure i'll always love him i really didn't feel anything for him as a boyfriend anymore so thought it better to walk away now than leave it go any longer.
Thing is i started seein someone a few weeks ago an really like him cos he treats me well an has showed me how to have fun an enjoy life again an i told the ex about it cos i didn't want him to find out off anyone else but i don't think he took it too well an now i feel like a complete bitch.

Kirnsy

the fact that you are posting here feeling guilty indicates you are sensitive and therefore not a "total bitch"

not yet

yes....is the answer to your question.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Few mixed reactions so here's a few more details...
The night i said it to him i only told him i needed a break because i felt unloved, unwanted and taken for granted and when i said this to him he didn't even put up a fight so that said it all for me - he was never gonna fight for me.

Our child always has and always will come first so when we both had a night off from him (the night i met my new guy) he was also with someone else but read me the riot act about bein unfaithful to him, typical guy thing to do - the girl is a slut but he's a legend!

I did try from before our child was born to make him realise how bad he was treatin me but he'd only change for a week or so and then straight back to bein the same old him again. So do you still think i didn't give it a proper go???

I pretended to be part of a perfect little family for the sake of my child and my ex's feelings but my feelings were always ignored so i decided it was time to do this for myself. I was feeling so sad and lonely all the time that i started taking it out on the wrong people and was shoutin an my baby for the smallest of things so that's when i realised i had to say goodbye because it wasn't fair on my baby, or me.

Toots

If your relationship wasn't working, then it wasn't working. There's no point sticking together purely because you have a child. OK, your ex isn't going to be happy, but did you expect him to be? I'm assuming he hasn't met someone else, so I'd imagine he's upset you've moved on from him. Maybe he thought you'd get back together at some stage. He'll get over it with time, the main thing is that you stay on good terms if possible for the sake of your child. Don't feel guilty, you deserve to be happy, and your child deserves a mother who isn't snapping at him/her.

In$omniac

Op your not a bitch, having read all the comments and having had to opt out of a relationship that wasn't working, I can only say you did the right thing.


I too had a young child when I split with my ex, I too did it for my own sanity after over 10years, with NO counselling needed (that would never have helped) my heart&head told me it was over.
You go and get on with your life, I have never looked back nor regretted the decisions I have made, I wish you and your child well for the future.

jen_23

OP,

you did the right thing for you and your baby.
I don't think you deserve some of the criticism your getting here.
My parents split when I was 15 and I always think that it would have been so much better if they had split when we were babies as we woudn't have remembered the silence, the arguing , the bad times ......

Yes a two parent family is good for children but not when t he parents do not get along. Alot of people stay together for twenty years 'for the sake of the house and kids' but eventually break up and wonder why they stayed together for so long as they possibly ended up doing more harm than intented and usually is the case in my experience.

You did the right thing OP and it's great youv'e found someone who can give you what you need out of a relationship

Robbie23

Yeh you pretty much are.

You should have just kept your mouth shut until way further down the line.

nacho libre

Robbie23 wrote: »

Yeh you pretty much are.

You should have just kept your mouth shut until way further down the line.

no.

because if she had done that he'd have an excuse to have a go at her. she was also considering his feeling by being up front, rather than him hearing it through the grapevine.

it sounds like you did everything to make the realtionship work but you eventually realised you had to let go for your own welfare and that of your child who risked being caught in the middle between two people who are unhappy.

Robbie23

nacho libre wrote: »

no.

because if she had done that he'd have an excuse to have a go at her. she was also considering his feeling by being up front, rather than him hearing it through the grapevine.

it sounds like you did everything to make the realtionship work but you eventually realised you had to let go for your own welfare and that of your child who risked being caught in the middle between two people who are unhappy.

But there's no need to aggravate the situation further by sticking it to him. I mean what's the point in telling him about someone else unless it develops further? The fact she is she broke up with him(for whatever reason)so her ex is bound to be quite emotional.

shellyboo

Robbie23 wrote: »

But there's no need to aggravate the situation further by sticking it to him. I mean what's the point in telling him about someone else unless it develops further? The fact she is she broke up with him(for whatever reason)so her ex is bound to be quite emotional.

And hearing that she's seeing someone else from a friend and not from her would help with that, would it? The OP did the right thing by being upfront with her ex. If he was going to find out, it's best for him to find out from her, instead of having one of those gut-wrenching moments in front of a friend, or god forbid, a stranger. What if he saw them out somewhere without knowing she'd moved on? That would be awful. The best thing is to tell the guy.