Across the pond.

LegacyUser

Hey there, regular reader of boards and have noticed there's always great advice given here. First time posting...

anyway, I'm not sure where to start. I've been thinking of writing this thread for the last few weeks, but thought it might sound stupid, or not like a real problem. I kind of just need to write it down i think, but thanks for reading in advance.

bit of backround, I'm 22 and went to uni in the UK for 3 years. Qualified in 2007 and came home for a few months, before going off travelling-as I couldn't get a job. I returned last yr and was desperate to start working before I lost my skills, but unfortunately the area that I work in, it's hard to get a job. I know it's hard for everyone, but the HSE froze jobs for certain professions about 2 yrs ago and there has been a major backlog etc....

anyway I moved back over to the UK over the summer as I got a job here. I'm sittin in my room for the 6th night in a row doing nothing. at first when I moved over I didnt find it all that difficult but as time goes on I'm finding I'm more and more lonely. I live in a house share accomodation (as I didn't know anyone when I first moved over). The 2 girls that used to live here have now moved on and I'm left in a house with 4 guys.

work wise, it's ok, but all my colleagues are coupled up and live with their boyfriends/husbands and never want to go out. I've gone out a handful of times over here. When i;m back home I enjoy a great social life and love the clubbing scene, yet have nothing over here.

I know people will suggest to join clubs, but the thing is, where I am, it's a very small english town-u can almost imagine a typical english town-that's what it's like here. It's ****. the main city isn't easy to get to and certainly not easy to get home from after a night's clubbing.

Im home for xmas in 2 wks which Im looking forward too, but I dread to think bout Jan when ive to come back to this **** hole. I guess im just really pissed off too for the HSE freezing the jobs, making it near impossible to getting anything back home.

i also feel like my best friends at home are living great lives, and while im so happy for them, i cant help but feel I should be happy too, and I sort of "deserve" to be. i jst feel im loosing all my friends back home, missing out on the craic and instead I've become a boring old fart who sits in watching ****e tv in her room!! Is this post coming across so dys-jointed??? sorry if it is.

I guess I just need to rant and just to see if there is anyone else out there who's going through something similar and how did they/do they cope?

thanks so much for reading this
x

LegacyUser

acrossthepond wrote: »

Hey there, regular reader of boards and have noticed there's always great advice given here. First time posting...

anyway, I'm not sure where to start. I've been thinking of writing this thread for the last few weeks, but thought it might sound stupid, or not like a real problem. I kind of just need to write it down i think, but thanks for reading in advance.

bit of backround, I'm 22 and went to uni in the UK for 3 years. Qualified in 2007 and came home for a few months, before going off travelling-as I couldn't get a job. I returned last yr and was desperate to start working before I lost my skills, but unfortunately the area that I work in, it's hard to get a job. I know it's hard for everyone, but the HSE froze jobs for certain professions about 2 yrs ago and there has been a major backlog etc....

anyway I moved back over to the UK over the summer as I got a job here. I'm sittin in my room for the 6th night in a row doing nothing. at first when I moved over I didnt find it all that difficult but as time goes on I'm finding I'm more and more lonely. I live in a house share accomodation (as I didn't know anyone when I first moved over). The 2 girls that used to live here have now moved on and I'm left in a house with 4 guys.

work wise, it's ok, but all my colleagues are coupled up and live with their boyfriends/husbands and never want to go out. I've gone out a handful of times over here. When i;m back home I enjoy a great social life and love the clubbing scene, yet have nothing over here.

I know people will suggest to join clubs, but the thing is, where I am, it's a very small english town-u can almost imagine a typical english town-that's what it's like here. It's ****. the main city isn't easy to get to and certainly not easy to get home from after a night's clubbing.

Im home for xmas in 2 wks which Im looking forward too, but I dread to think bout Jan when ive to come back to this **** hole. I guess im just really pissed off too for the HSE freezing the jobs, making it near impossible to getting anything back home.

i also feel like my best friends at home are living great lives, and while im so happy for them, i cant help but feel I should be happy too, and I sort of "deserve" to be. i jst feel im loosing all my friends back home, missing out on the craic and instead I've become a boring old fart who sits in watching ****e tv in her room!! Is this post coming across so dys-jointed??? sorry if it is.

I guess I just need to rant and just to see if there is anyone else out there who's going through something similar and how did they/do they cope?

thanks so much for reading this
x

hey there,
i know exactly how you feel, been there done that, will probably be there again, its not stupid and it can be a problem.

i also went to uni in the uk and finished in 2005, went travelling, worked for a year ''oop north'', went travelling again, came back home and am now looking towards the uk for employment again for the longer term.
when i was working there i was living on my own and found it quite difficult. Us irish in these uni's can be quite cliquey so when we finished most of my irish friends went home and i didnt really have many friends in the country. its not for me to say to you go out, meet people, join clubs etc, because i dont want to come across as a hypocryte as im not into drinking and clubbing much myself and i do find meeting new people to be a chore.

My routine was work all week, sleep in on saturday, get up at 12, go down to the local retail/food/amusement place and eat out, wander around window shopping and back home. similar story on sunday.(Went to the cinema alot too, nothing wrong with going to the cinema on your own ). you start to think ''jesus, is this what the world of work is like? this is ****''

i found having a car and the ability to go where you like to be extremely important. In fairness to the uk they have some ofthe most beautiful countryside in the world and there are lots of places to go,(the road system, unlike here, making travel easy).
You started off better than me in the fact that you had housemates who you could talk to at least. In my situation it was my intention to work there for a year and go travelling so i had something to aim towards and save for, aswell as that i got a girlfriend towards the end and that made things so much easier.

But thats all in the past now and i feel i'll be back there again before long so il have to start all over again.Its a difficult prospect to face because this time it will probably be more permenant (10+yrs?), every time you go home you notice your parents getting older, changes about your homeplace, friends doing different things etc but id say you know this already.
but these are the times were in, this country is fcuked, sure, if i wanted to work behind a deli counter or pump petrol, i could stay at home, but would i be content???

i dont want to sound like some boring dull loner because im not, but if you want to join clubs do by all means, but i find that laborious. my advice would be to get mobile, get a car if you dont have one, there are loads of places to go over there, plan somewhere to go every wkend, peak district,lake district, stonehenge, altontowers etc and bring a housemate, go home every six weeks, michael o'leary is the messiah!

pm me if you need a chat, you situation isnt unique, just dont get stuck in a rut staring at the 4 walls of your room. I know i ramble but hope this helps

otnomart

Hi,
first of all, sorry to hear you are lonely!
Many people are feeling like you: other Irish people living abroad, and also immigrants living in Ireland.
The answer is try to pursue the same things that interested you back home, whatever they were, sports, hobbies.
Don't knock clubs and evening classes, there is always someone that you can make friends with.
Check out local community centres and see what's out there.
Best of luck and try not to let this get you down

dr_funkenstein

hey

its a bit scary how similar ye're stories sound!! altho, I went to Uni in Ireland, I moved over "t'england" with my gf at the time. after a couple of yrs it all fell apart spectaculary.. we broke up and went our seperate ways. but the timing of it was absolutely horrible, due to most of the mates there all moving away. so like ye.. I was stuck in a town in the uk not having much fun at all. I did suck it up for another year, and after moving into a houseshare with some total weirdos (thats a whole thread in itself..!).. I got on with one of the guys and the two of us and one mate got our own place and life became fairly decent.

I still wasn't content there.. in true irish fashion I thought it was 'alright'. so like I said, after a year, I made my break and went travelling. Who knew the world economy would go to absolute sh!te while I was gone.. :eek: .. so now I'm home.. can't get a job.. and like the other poster.. looking at the uk again. I really do wanna try Ireland for a while but its just not happening for me here yet. I know full well though that england is/will be in a nearly as bad state as we are. Like most, ya think these things will never affect you directly but they obviously do.

anyway, going off on a tangent there. what part of the uk are you in roughly?? I found that you really do have to make an effort. Friends aren't as easy to meet/make when you go from uni -> work. there has to be something near where you are. I took up running and met others through that. There's usually some film club kinda thing in most towns. Is there an Irish centre nearby??

Or how about commuting to your job and living in one of the nearest big towns or even a city?? I'd much prefer to commute 2hrs a day and live in a place I liked and have much more options for a social life. If not.. you could at least move into a new houseshare?? Seriously though, YOU need to be proactive. It's all too easy to wallow, I know because I fell into that rut for a while over there.

Just my 2cents.. or should I say 2p.. then again.. mightn't be long til uk joins the euro :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

hey guys,

Thanks so so so much for your post. Even though you can talk to people back home, I'm always aware of how negative I must come across or how much I'm always moaning that I try not to so much anymore, so it's good just to let it out!!!

It's comforting to hear other similar stories and see how you all coped! It's funny how you sorta "change" as a person over here, social life etc.

I understand that you must be proactive and only I can change things. It's too easy to get stuck in a rut, and 6months on I think I may well be.

I'm up the North West of England. Yeh I've thought about getting a car, I think that would be a good idea. And I've also thought bout moving into the city, get a cool place to live, be near shops, pubs, clubs, LIFE!! The commute would probably be about 1hr 45min and I know from doing placements in uni ,travelling for that distance daily was no fun, but I think it probably would be worth it??? There isn't even a cinema in this town! haha!

Unregistered- it's funny how your saturdays and sundays are EXACTLY like mine-thanks for the advice, and to dr_funkenstein and otnomart-much appreciated.

dr_funkenstein

Go for it!

Seriously. It's better to have a longer commute and a life (at least at the weekends!) imho. If I were you, I would make plans to move in january (probably the end of after giving notice and looking for a new place etc etc). Then, once you're settled, I would look to do something on one weekday every week (eg. yoga, tai chi, pilates, etc etc). You may or may not meet people through that, but it'll help destress, make you feel good, and have something to look forward to Then you will see how your life just starts to build up again. If you're still at a loose end in febuary, try to hook up with some other Irish people in yer local O'Neills (I know I know..!) during the 6 Nations, rugby crowd are always friendly.. especially when you're away from home!

If you need to chat at all sure drop me a PM. Being in a rut can be seriously depressing, but recognising that you are in one and then doing something about it will just completely reinvigorate you. It worked for me! Start making plans now and you'll feel a weight has slightly lifted while you're at home for christmas, and you won't dread going back afterwards.

LegacyUser

Was in the same boat when I lived in London.

I joined a language course and ended up sharing a house with a guy from that and also heading away for weekends with some of the others.

I found my weekends went like this: get up at 9'ish (with no hangover as I wasn't out Fridays). Buy the paper, read that til 2 or so over brunch..... then hang around til something good came on the telly. Sunday was the same if I wasn't meeting up with the ex to go shopping or coffee or hang out with my sister..... my housemate always went home for weekends. Most week nights were spent in front of the tv.

Even though I loved London, I didn't get as much out of it as I wanted to as I hadn't a social network.

I found it lonely and at the same tim I enjoyed my own company more or less.... it was existing though and not a lot of fun.

I would suggest joining a club or two if you have any interests. Since I;ve returned to Ireland, I've joined a sports club and am away most weekends with them and have made some friends.

LegacyUser

god i hate going on this with all my moaning but just had a **** last 2 days.

thanks again for your responses. i felt quite optimistic after reading them, but then was chatting to a few others back home, and I jst feel like things aren't the same anymore.

again Im not going out tonight, and I've barely gotten out of bed today. how important is a career?? I'm literally only over here for it, and at the age of 22, should I not be enjoying life a bit more, rather than worrying about my career??

Im not so sure I want to come back here in January. Would people be so disappointed in me (family) for not staying on and making the most of what I got? If i go home, I know I won't get a job in my profession, but maybe I could get some sort of job, any job, save up and go to Oz for a year or 2 and get a job over there. Work cannot be the "be all and end all" of life. surely your happiness is? christ, my head is just wrecked.

I admire you guys for lasting a year or whatever being on your own over in the UK, I admire your ability to remain strong! Yeh i've 4 people in the house to "talk" to, but one is weird, one never comes out of his room, the other is always away and the other guy is cool, but don't chat to him much either. only now and again, plus he grew up round the area and has a lot of friends that way. He's a good bit older than me, so our interests, social networks wouldn't exactly be the same :-S

i understand I'm the only one that can help myself, I jst feel so so bloody low right now and just am not arsed even trying over here anymore. PHEW! i feel a bit better after writing this.

thanks again

Victor

acrossthepond wrote: »

christ, my head is just wrecked.

I admire you guys for lasting a year or whatever being on your own over in the UK, I admire your ability to remain strong! Yeh i've 4 people in the house to "talk" to, but one is weird, one never comes out of his room, the other is always away and the other guy is cool, but don't chat to him much either. only now and again, plus he grew up round the area and has a lot of friends that way. He's a good bit older than me, so our interests, social networks wouldn't exactly be the same :-S

"Tea and sympathy", "Its good to talk", "A problem shared is a problem halved" - saying things out loud lets us put some sort of context on things, we can gauge others reactions and they can offer support and even help - even if its only "Yeah, been there done that". Writing things down is also useful, but I think the talking is more important.

r3nu4l

Hi acrossthepond,

I live in the UK, I miss family and friends so much some times that I feel awful. I am very lucky however because my wife is here with me. A couple of points.

1. You could try moving into different shared accommodation with some people closer to your own age.

2. Get involved in your local community. It doesn't matter what you get involved in, even if it's the local Women's Institute . These people are always looking for someone to do something. That will get you doing something at weekends, talking to people and generally feeling like you are needed.

3. Join boards.org.uk, chat with us, you may find you are not alone and if you ever need a video skype chat I can send you my details.

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm in a similar situation to you OP, living abroad while most of my friends/family are at home. I do live in a big city though! Doesn't necessarily make it easier, in fact in some ways it can be more lonely to live in a city.

In general I am happy because I really love my job over here, I'm really involved in it and getting up to go to it in the mornings is no problem. Most evenings though, I just come home and entertain myself with the TV/web. Like yourself, sometimes I just wish I had more people to interact with. I do have some friends here that I mainly see on weekends (not always though) but could do with a few more! It can be tough sometimes, I often get the impression that my friends at home are having the time of their lives while I'm just well, OK. This could be a case of 'the grass is greener' though. Also, I sometimes wonder if my get up/work/come home/sleep routine is not the routine of most 9-5ers anyway, no matter where they are??

Don't lose heart - keep plugging away, try to keep active, travel as another poster said, keep working on your work colleagues! Encourage family/friends to visit, and try not to spend whole days in bed!

Best of luck

bootsy11

Hey acrossthepond

I find myself in a very similar situation as you at the moment and its very fitting that i read this thread at 3am on a Sunday morning!

Have to say its uplifting to read the replys you've got.

LegacyUser

acrossthepond wrote: »

god i hate going on this with all my moaning but just had a **** last 2 days.

thanks again for your responses. i felt quite optimistic after reading them, but then was chatting to a few others back home, and I jst feel like things aren't the same anymore.

again Im not going out tonight, and I've barely gotten out of bed today. how important is a career?? I'm literally only over here for it, and at the age of 22, should I not be enjoying life a bit more, rather than worrying about my career??

Im not so sure I want to come back here in January. Would people be so disappointed in me (family) for not staying on and making the most of what I got? If i go home, I know I won't get a job in my profession, but maybe I could get some sort of job, any job, save up and go to Oz for a year or 2 and get a job over there. Work cannot be the "be all and end all" of life. surely your happiness is? christ, my head is just wrecked.

1. Your family won't be disappointed for not staying. I'm sure if they knew you were that unhappy they'd tell you to come home.

2. If you are staying, then do move into a better house which is more social where you have people to talk to when you get up and when you get home in the evenings and who you could go out with.... any house I've shared, I've had fun in (there were a cople of weirdos too but on the whole, had a good laugh).

3. If it's pride that's keeping you over there then just come home. Years ago when travelling India, I wasn't happy. I was on my own, had a gf at home and told everyone I'd be there for 2 months.... after two weeks I found that it wasn't for me but I felt compelled to stay as I didn't want to feel/look like a quitter. I went for a head massage and chatted to the woman who basically said to me, "if you're not happy, then go home". As soon as I made the decision to come home early, I felt relieved - literally a weight off my shoulders.

4. A career isn't the be all and end all - esp at 22. And yes, you should be having more fun at that age.