Will he change?

sillygirl80

So this is how it goes. I've been going out with someone just over two years. I went through a serious illness last year and ended up in hospital and on meds for a couple months afterwards. Needless to say, I didn't feel so hot about myself. Unfortunately, I sought reassurance too much it seems and he just didn't want to give it. Instead, when I found out I was pregnant after a year with him, he went off and slept with his ex-girlfriend who subsequently got pregnant too!!!! He paid for her to have an abortion. Thankfully (only now I can say this) my pregnancy didn't continue because I was just too run down. So he's treating me in a subhuman way for months and months and I just had that feeling, you know the one some of us ladies get and we're usually right that something has happened. Pretty much since he did it. He would say stuff on occasion like "I swear on my mother's life I haven't been with anyone else" etc etc. Well, to try and "make it better" I have found out he spent a weekend at a colleagues house (she had a boyfriend who she was "confused" about and of course told my horrible boyfriend she fancied him so his ego all but exploded). He tells me it was fairly innocent. That she texted him some days later to try and meet up but he didn't reply. I'm not so sure.
Anyhow, I only found out about this recently and I just don't know where my head is at.
Any advice? If he says he'll never do it again, is that true? Ever? And do you think I know the half of it?
We ended up out with some of his work colleagues (the May incident) a few weeks ago and yer one was milling around him, all forlorn like. It was disgusting. Then turn out he'd kept me a secret from most of the people he knows in a deparment he has worked in for nearly 18 months. She was all google eyed. It made me want to puke.
We're so financially linked right now its been impossible to just walk away. But I'm getting very close to doing it.
Oh, and he tried to blame me for his doing the dirt completely.I was pregnant for goodness sake!! Not being able to face ones responsibilities is a terrible thing!

spurious

sillygirl80 wrote: »

he's treating me in a subhuman way for months...

he'd kept me a secret from most of the people he knows in a department he has worked in for nearly 18 months...

he tried to blame me for his doing the dirt

Any of the above is a reason to get rid of this loser.
Why do you stay with him?

cornbb

Get rid of him. It might take a long time to clear your head and sort out the logistics (finances etc) but it sounds like for now you would definitely be better off on your own. And in the long run you will probably find someone who actually *cares* about you, someone who can provide an iota of support in times of trouble and face their responsibilities, because he clearly can't do either. And if/when that happens and when you are happy you will kick yourself and ask "why did I even need to ask this question?"

Oryx

What is it about the man thats actually good? Im finding it hard to see what you get from being in a relationship with him? So why are you trying to find a way to make yourself believe what he says and stay with him, if he has been nothing but horrible to you?

Re: finances. Sometimes debt is not the worst thing to be in.

jim o doom

Get your finances in order & get the hell outta there.

Gyalist

Will he change?

No, and why would he?

We're so financially linked right now its been impossible to just walk away. But I'm getting very close to doing it.
Oh, and he tried to blame me for his doing the dirt completely.I was pregnant for goodness sake!! Not being able to face ones responsibilities is a terrible thing!

You separate first, then work out the finances after. You do have responsibilities
to yourself too.

Wibbs

It boils down to this IMHO; why are you with a man who has cheated on you while you were pregnant with his child, got another woman pregnant out of it, clearly keeps secrets from you, is inconsistent emotionally and in his support of you, lies and then blames you? Eh hello? seriously, he isn't the problem to the degree you may think, your reasoning for choosing to stay with someone like that is. What part of you thinks this is good enough to stay.

The finances could be gotten around, saying "but I love him" is only an excuse, though it may not feel like it. Look to yourself and have a good think why you think this is good and healthy for you.

Wibbs

Basically you need to change, not him. We are all free agents.

SarahJ

I am sorry to say this, becuase you are still with him you obviously see some good in him, but he sounds like an absolute scum bag! I would get out of there if I were you. I know, easily said than done, but bite the bullet and find the one you deserve.

cafecolour

He sounds like trash. Seriously. Get out, and get some work on your own self-confidence/self-esteem for spending so much time with someone like that.

star-pants

Wibbs wrote: »

It boils down to this IMHO; why are you with a man who has cheated on you while you were pregnant with his child, got another woman pregnant out of it, clearly keeps secrets from you, is inconsistent emotionally and in his support of you, lies and then blames you?

Exactly ^^
He doesn't seem to care for you that much, he cheated whilst you were pregnant? Paid for the girl he knocked up to get rid of the baby, keeps you a secret from work? Why would you be kept a secret if he cared about you?

I'm sorry OP but from what you've said he just seems to be a cause of worry for you and that's not a relationship. You constantly worrying and wondering will he hurt you in some way again.

DD

Hey, move on. Be with someone that deserves you.

jellie

Go with your gut feeling. its usually right, even when we dont want to believe it. if you feel that something is wrong or isnt working then thats usually the case.

Theres always a way out of things. you sound like you know what you want to do but just need someone to tell you youre right.

implausible

OP, I think you're username says it all, you obviously realise that you are being daft and just need that push to get rid of him. Sounds like a horrible human being who will never change.

As for the finances, get advice and then get rid of this loser. I don't mean to sound cruel but if you're the reason he has a roof over his head, then maybe that's why he's still with you and promises he'll never do it again.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, Wibbs you're dead right - no point me thinking anyone should change for me, I have to move on and change too. As for the finances, ye are all right - a bit of financial hassle for a while is worth being treated the way I want to be by someone eventually. And yes, I'm being daft - I know what to do in my head, getting the heart to agree is hard because I'm afraid of letting go even though that sounds silly. I think I was just looking for people "outside the box" to tell me it was a silly situation to stay in when I'm just not happy and it can't possibly benefit me in any way.
Thanks everyone, I hope you all find the happiness ye deserve! :-)

AnonoBoy

He won't change. End of.

Wibbs

I'm glad you've made the choice. I wish you luck with your future.:)

SarahJ wrote: »

I am sorry to say this, becuase you are still with him you obviously see some good in him,

IMHO people, women especially, stay with guys like this, not because they see some good in the guy, but more because they don't see the good in themselves.

McGinty

IMHO people, women especially, stay with guys like this, not because they see some good in the guy, but more because they don't see the good in themselves.

Those have to be the wisest words I have ever read so far.

Op, just for the record, a guy who cheats on a consistent basis and lies will continue to do so. I had crippling low self esteem, I lived with and married a serial philanderer, I had no concept of my needs and wishes and it is only now I am getting a grasp on that. I would catch my ex out and he would swear blind he would never do it again, he did, several times. I married him knowing he was unfaithful, and I married him because I thought I was worthless (I was unaware of this at the time, I am talking from a retrospective viewpoint), sadly of all, I didn't even really like him and I certaintly wasn't attracted to him. How I overcame meeting damaging men was working on myself (see above quote). Basically I am learning to see the good in myself, I hope you can learn to see your own worth and then you will automatically attract a nicer man. Finally I will say it is hard if you are not used to asserting yourself and putting your needs first but god do you feel good about yourself when you do.

SpookyDoll

He wont change.

Dont let stuff like financial entanglements stand in your way. Concentrate your mind on dis-entangling yourself from him. Do it step by step and you will feel a lot stronger when you make progress with the practical side.

Dont waste time looking for reasons and answers, you will never get them, just make a clean break and get away from him as soon as possible.

Dont throw good time and effort after bad, you cant make it right no matter what you do.

chops1990

Jesus, that **** gives us fellas a bad name. Just leave him.

LegacyUser

OP the financial side will get sorted in time... concentrate on moving yourself away from him in body and mind. I spent 3 years with a man like this. I never once regretted walking out. Within a couple of months my confidence started to grow to levels that I'd forgotten existed. I sometimes now laugh at the crap that I believed. So he spent 3 hours just talking to the woman from work who was having marital problems, in his bedroom, over 2 bottles of wine.... riiight. Years on I feel a little sorry for him now as he's still living a life of secrets while I'm with a wonderful honest and trustworthy man who would move heaven and earth for me if he could.

littlefriend

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO people, women especially, stay with guys like this, not because they see some good in the guy, but more because they don't see the good in themselves.

Wow Wibbs, you have an incredible mind.

Jack Sheehan

Good luck in the future and good on you for ditching the useless arse.

Wibbs

Jack Sheehan wrote: »

Good luck in the future and good on you for ditching the useless arse.

Which sums it up perfectly

McGinty wrote: »

Op, just for the record, a guy who cheats on a consistent basis and lies will continue to do so. I had crippling low self esteem, I lived with and married a serial philanderer, I had no concept of my needs and wishes and it is only now I am getting a grasp on that. I would catch my ex out and he would swear blind he would never do it again, he did, several times. I married him knowing he was unfaithful, and I married him because I thought I was worthless (I was unaware of this at the time, I am talking from a retrospective viewpoint), sadly of all, I didn't even really like him and I certaintly wasn't attracted to him. How I overcame meeting damaging men was working on myself (see above quote). Basically I am learning to see the good in myself, I hope you can learn to see your own worth and then you will automatically attract a nicer man. Finally I will say it is hard if you are not used to asserting yourself and putting your needs first but god do you feel good about yourself when you do.

Read and listen to this from someone who has been through it. More to the point grew into who she is today in spite of it. Kudos.

littlefriend wrote: »

Wow Wibbs, you have an incredible mind.

Thanks:) considering as a man it's mostly controlled by further south that's pretty damn good going:D

poindexter

if a close friend came to you with the same questions, what would you say to her/him???

i think you know yourself already

LegacyUser

Seriously you just cant see it at the moment, but the answer is:

DUMP him

Becs82

Dont worry too much about the financial side: this is your LIFE we're talking about and you obviously arent happy, hes obviously not capable of making you happy cos he cant think of anyone but himself! Get out ASAP, and sort out the financial side with a bit of distance from him: i was in a similar situation for years, and believe me when i say distance makes it easier! Good luck!