Porn in secret

LegacyUser

Please help I recently found out that my husband was secretly lookin at porn on the internet. When I asked him he admitted it but said he was curious(we have watched porn together in the past mainly to have alaugh) he's been doin it for some time and always behind my back.Our sex life isn't great at the minute but he's told me this is due to stress. I feel like he has cheated on me. I don't need to look at other men in a sexual way so i can't understand why he needs to look at other women in a sexual way.I can't handle the secret part of it and what else has he done that he hasn't told me.This was four weeks ago and I still don't want him near me, some days I feel its over with us and other days can't imagine life without him, we have two children and I'm soooo confused.

Monkey61

It's perfectly normal and healthy to enjoy watching porn. Just because you don't feel the need to doesn't mean that he shouldn't.

You are majorly overreacting and being very silly about this. It's nothing like cheating. Is it possible that you have some major hang ups about sex in general? I'm just wondering, because considering leaving the father of your two children because he didn't tell you he was watching porn is about as ridiculous as considering leaving him because he didn't tell you he likes to eat a piece of cake after he goes to the garden centre on wednesdays.

It's not exactly a major secret that he kept from you as it's a natural thing to do and certainly not a sign that he's a devious liar.

davmol

ALL blokes watch a bit of porn, i dont know any of my mates that dont watch a sneaky clip online or have a vid or 2 at home.Its very natural and in no way means hes cheting or thinkng of cheating on you.

Homer

This issue has come up numerous times in PI and it is not something you should be that worried about at all. Certainly not to the extent that you are at the moment.

Have a look at this thread to see what the "majority" of people think of your current situation as this thread is fairly similar, albeit about a boyfriend/girlfriend situation rather than husband/wife.

Don't damage your marriage over this!

SpookyDoll

Our sex life isn't great at the minute but he's told me this is due to stress.

Hmmm, I would ask him to open up on this a lot more, if he is looking at porn then he is still interested in sex but do you mean hes not giving you any?

Find out why.....he could be bored maybe....?

I don't need to look at other men in a sexual way

Why not?
Maybe think about cultivating your fantasy life a bit more and then you can see where he is coming from, you wont feel so bad....

AnonoBoy

Unregistered wrote: »

Please help I recently found out that my husband was secretly lookin at porn on the internet. When I asked him he admitted it but said he was curious(we have watched porn together in the past mainly to have alaugh) he's been doin it for some time and always behind my back.Our sex life isn't great at the minute but he's told me this is due to stress. I feel like he has cheated on me. I don't need to look at other men in a sexual way so i can't understand why he needs to look at other women in a sexual way.I can't handle the secret part of it and what else has he done that he hasn't told me.This was four weeks ago and I still don't want him near me, some days I feel its over with us and other days can't imagine life without him, we have two children and I'm soooo confused.

The reason he didn't tell you was because he knew you'd react like this. Unless the porn he was watching was something extremely vile or illegal then there is absolutely no reason for your marriage to be over.

Your sex life isn't great at the moment because of stress. That same stress is most likely causing him to seek out release through porn.

Talk to your husband. Watching porn is not a terrible terrible shocking crime. You'll see that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he wants other women.

jessbeth

I think all men watch porn. If he's not addicted to it and doesn't need any porn like props in the bedroom then I wouldn't worry about it. Sit down with him and have a good chat about it. Explain your insecurities about it and maybe you guys could discuss getting your own sex life back on track and spicing things up a bit.
Personally I don't like porn, it gives men a false view of what women are like in reality. We done all talk like raving sluts and have orgasms when you kiss our neck Maybe if you explain to him why you personally are upset by it, he will understand and be more sensitive about the issue.

[Jackass]

Dude looks at porn, so what?

NEXT

unhappycamper

To watch porn is to fantasize, is it the fact that he is fantasizing about other woman bothering you? I don't really know any men that have never talked, joked or watched the odd bit of porn now and again. I can understand how it may annoy you but it really is just a bit of fun isn't it?

Fatloss08

your sex life isnt great ????

duhhh your married

even if u at it like rabbits , men always look at porn

no big deal , ur making it a big deal and it could be ur insecurities that break a marraige not him looking at porn

seamus

Unregistered wrote: »

what else has he done that he hasn't told me

Probably nothing. There is canyon-sized leap from watching porn to cheating.
As a number of people have said already, there's a certain amount of fantasy in porn. Much of it can rely on the person imagining him/herself doing those activities, or even imagining that it's their partner (or even them and their partner) up on that screen.
Men are very visual when it comes to sex and desire. Just because we're aroused by an attractive woman or porn gets us off, doesn't mean that we actually want to do anything like what we're seeing.

Your husband has no more desire to run away with a porn star than you have to run away with Shane Ward or Robert Gere, or whatever male star it is that you find sexy.

Yes, your husband shouldn't have lied. He probably knew that you would react like this if you found out, and that you may react like this if he suggested that he would like to look at porn. So either way he was going to lose out.

Ultimately both of you should know what the boundaries of your relationship are and you should be agreed on it. If you both thought cheating was fine, then work away. However if you thought it was fine to cheat, but your husband didn't, you've got a problem.

This is no different. Your husband thinks that watching porn is OK. You don't. From his point of view he's done nothing wrong (except maybe hiding it from you). You need to decide if you can accept that and then come to an agreement on the boundaries of your relationship, and then move on.

I want to tell you to relax a little and stop worrying about the porn, but I know for some women it's a big issue. Their personal insecurities lead them to feel like porn is cheating, and you cannot tell them otherwise.

Beruthiel

[Jackass] wrote: »

Dude looks at porn, so what?

NEXT

If you have nothing helpful to add to this thread, please refrain from commenting.
B

Mr. Incognito

ALL men watch porn.

Doesn't mean anything. Sheesh, wouldn'dt you rather him get his release through porn than going off and cheating on you.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Please help I recently found out that my husband was secretly lookin at porn on the internet. When I asked him he admitted it but said he was curious(we have watched porn together in the past mainly to have alaugh) he's been doin it for some time and always behind my back.
Our sex life isn't great at the minute but he's told me this is due to stress. I feel like he has cheated on me. I don't need to look at other men in a sexual way so i can't understand why he needs to look at other women in a sexual way.I can't handle the secret part of it and what else has he done that he hasn't told me.This was four weeks ago and I still don't want him near me, some days I feel its over with us and other days can't imagine life without him, we have two children and I'm soooo confused.

Almost every man watches porn and a massive number of women do also. Perhaps he was doing it behind your back because he knew this is how you would react: irrationally.

You're married so there's no surprise about your sex life not being great but stress can seriously affect sexual performance in both genders. Also, even if someone doesn't feel like sex they can still masturbate as it's much more convenient and porn can sometimes be more arousing than reality.

Just because he has watched porn doesn't mean he has cheated on you or flirted with other women. This is a completely fallacious connection to make.

Why don't you want him near you? Because he watched porn? If you want your marriage to work you're going to have to accept that there is nothing wrong with married people watching porn, no matter how good their relationships and sex lives are.

wasper

Unregistered wrote: »

Please help I recently found out that my husband was secretly lookin at porn on the internet. When I asked him he admitted it but said he was curious(we have watched porn together in the past mainly to have alaugh) he's been doin it for some time and always behind my back.Our sex life isn't great at the minute but he's told me this is due to stress. I feel like he has cheated on me. I don't need to look at other men in a sexual way so i can't understand why he needs to look at other women in a sexual way.I can't handle the secret part of it and what else has he done that he hasn't told me.This was four weeks ago and I still don't want him near me, some days I feel its over with us and other days can't imagine life without him, we have two children and I'm soooo confused.

I watch porn on the net sometimes. I don't tell my wife & she doesn't ask either.
But if you had a choice between him cheating with another woman or 'cheating'
as you put it by watching porn, I know which one I will be happy about.

jim o doom

I watch porn, my girlfriend knows I do - but she is not irrational about anything. She doesn't like some of the things I get up to in life (drinking late at weekends and what not) - but she knows I love her to bits & ISN'T THAT whats important? A bit of porn is not cheating & if you feel that way I am not in the least bit surprised that your husband hid it from you. And it isn't STRESS it's bloody NORMAL, I only know 2 men out of ALL my mates who claim to never watch porn, for the odd knuckle shuffle. It's not something to be proud of, but neither is it something to be ashamed of. What would be worse, watching some other people having sex in a movie and jerking the turkey, or going out and having sex with somebody else yourself? serious over-reaction IMHO. You must have some serious issues with your own confidence if this has affected you so badly; maybe go see a councillor about that? I wouldn't suggest telling him to stop, because if you do - he probably will for you and the kids (Because a bit of porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and he CERTAINLY doesn't see it as cheating!) - but he will resent you (rightfully so) for it.

John Mason

Complete and utter over reaction if i ever saw one.

everyone looks at porn (oh yes boys, the ladies watch it too)

I am thinking this has nothing to do with the porn, more to do with the fact you are not happy in your relationship and are sub-conscienously trying to find reasons of why you should escape.

ever think of the counselling?

jessbeth

I don't think we should be so hard on the OP, people are different and different things upset different people. People also have different opinions about things and she was only looking for some advice. Again I would just suggest sitting down with her OH and having an honest chat with him and I'm sure they'll be able to works things out.

Faith

Why don't you watch it with him? That way, you'll be in on the action, he won't be hiding things from you, and you both might enjoy the experience of watching it together (and it could help get your sex life back on track).

jim o doom

Faith wrote: »

Why don't you watch it with him? That way, you'll be in on the action, he won't be hiding things from you, and you both might enjoy the experience of watching it together (and it could help get your sex life back on track).

Seconded. Jessbeth - people here are not being hard, everyone here thinks she is honestly over-reacting, she even said she was thinking of "ending the marriage" because of porn. That's like shooting your pet rabbit because it ate a carrot. it's in the rabbits nature to eat carrot.

jessbeth

jim o doom wrote: »

Seconded. Jessbeth - people here are not being hard, everyone here thinks she is honestly over-reacting, she even said she was thinking of "ending the marriage" because of porn. That's like shooting your pet rabbit because it ate a carrot. it's in the rabbits nature to eat carrot.

Well I just mean that people see things from different perspectives and to her it might be something really upsetting. I know that would be awfully extreme and that her reaction is a bit OTT but there are a number of people just saying things in the line of 'get over it' and 'watch it too'. Not everybody I know agrees with porn. I personally think it's distasteful. I do however think that people should make up their own minds and I don't judge anybody for watching it but the OP could be coming from quite a religious background or something and it would help if people tried to give helpful advice instead of just stating that she should 'get over it' etc. Anyway just my opinion.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=pink fluffy bunny;

I am thinking this has nothing to do with the porn, more to do with the fact you are not happy in your relationship and are sub-conscienously trying to find reasons of why you should escape.

ever think of the counselling?[/QUOTE]

Thanks for all your help but I think you hit the nail on the head. I know in my heart I'm over reacting but I think I am lookin for a escape route

kayos

Extra extra read all about it man watches porn!

Honestly watching porn is nothing to be upset about. You say he hid it from you, was this he just didnt tell you or went to great lenghts to hide this porn watching? You found out about it some how and I guess it was down to snooping browser history or catching him in the act. If he was trying to hide it you would never have found any trace of his porn activity on the PC. If he was activity hiding it then ya be a bit upset that he could not tell you but then again its not the easest of topics to bring up.

So what you do today honey?
Crappy day in work so watched some porn and had a **** when I came home love.

TMoreno

He is not just watching women. He is watching men and women having sex , which means that he is not satisfied sexually and feel frustrated at the moment.
You should talk about it with him and try to fix the problem before he cheats on you for real.

jim o doom

TMoreno wrote: »

He is not just watching women. He is watching men and women having sex , which means that he is not satisfied sexually and feel frustrated at the moment.
You should talk about it with him and try to fix the problem before he cheats on you for real.

Clearly the most ridiculous post thus far. Man watching porn = he will cheat if wife doesn't satisfy him? Well considering that most men watch porn, you are saying that none of them are satisfyed sexually and are frustrated & will cheat if not satisfied by wifey/OH. Congratulations, sweeping generalisation of the year award to TMoreno. I watch porn, I don't cheat. Same goes for pretty much all my mates. Men have (for the most part) the urge to ride left right & centre. But we don't because we have HIGHER functions and decide not to hurt the one we love (monogomy). However, we can fantasise & watch some porn to help alleviate those bold urges. Like seamus said earlier, we are visual when it comes to fantasy & pornography is perfect for that.

jim o doom

Ultimately pornography, like computer games, books, movies and anything else along those lines, is just a form of escapism. We do it to remove ourselves from the worries of life temporarily. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Getting SO worked up about pornography is akin to reacting to him reading "lord of the rings" as follows; "my husband is reading lord of the rings, he is fantasising about going on an adventure - frodo doesn't have a wife, he must not love me anymore, because he is imagining going on an adventure." It's EXACTLY the same, all it is is FANTASY, this is the reason you don't need to worry; I mean what would you think of someone who reacted to a person reading a book as I have outlined above? you would think they were being totally irrational..

chops1990

When you need that extra push, the right adult film can do the trick in a few minutes, whereas foreplay alone may take hours. Fact of life is a lot of guys watch porn dvds and there really is nothing wrong with it. The worst thing you can think is that they are watching porn because you are not satisfying them in bed. Men watch porn movies for various reasons, whether its on the computer, in a magazine, or an actual dvd. The worst thing you can do is freak if you find evidence of your partner watching porn, on the other hand, one of the best things you could do is suggest watching it together. Keep your mind open about porn dvds as there are many benefits to watching them.

TMoreno

jim o doom wrote: »

Ultimately pornography, like computer games, books, movies and anything else along those lines, is just a form of escapism. We do it to remove ourselves from the worries of life temporarily. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Getting SO worked up about pornography is akin to reacting to him reading "lord of the rings" as follows; "my husband is reading lord of the rings, he is fantasising about going on an adventure - frodo doesn't have a wife, he must not love me anymore, because he is imagining going on an adventure." It's EXACTLY the same, all it is is FANTASY, this is the reason you don't need to worry; I mean what would you think of someone who reacted to a person reading a book as I have outlined above? you would think they were being totally irrational..

You really don't get it. My post was not an opinion on porn in general. It was my opinion on her problem. If some men prefer porn instead of having sex for real it's their problem. I do not mind them and it's another debate.
Firstly she said that he watched porn behind her back, which means that he had something to hide and he is not proud of it.
Secondly she says that their "sex life isn't great at the minute" She says so, not me. She admits that there is a problem in their relationship, so I just suggested that he could stray, and that they should talk about it before. That's all.
Finally I said that he is not watching women, is watching people having sex which is different. It's the sexual act more than the women that he is missing.

jim o doom

Peoples sex lives & drives go through highs & lows - but porn remains constant.. I didn't stop watching porn when me and my fiancee were at it like rabbits on viagra, nor did I stop when we were only a couple of times a week - porn is just porn, doesn't matter how much sex is being had. well for me anyway.

HouseHippo

Men watch porn,they just do.....
My bf watches porn
All my male friends(many of them married) watch porn.As do some of their wives...
hell I'm a woman and I look at porn,often. It doesn't mean I love my bf any less or arer any less sexually attracted to him.
Please don't make this into an issue with you husband as not only is he likely to be very embarrassed(prob the main reason he didn't tell you in the 1st place),he will keep hiding things from you in the future causing much more strife in your relationship. It is really not something you should make an issue out of cause it's not....Really.
He hasn't cheated on you in any way shape or form and you shouldn't feel that way.Porn is not real nor intimate.It is purely dirty and sexual.He is married to and in love with you, so be it if he has the odd tug to a fantasy act every now and then.
And it is true that people's sex drives are lowered due to stress. I am currently doing exams and am so focused on studyin that sex is the last thing on my mind and when we go to bed I just want to sleep. Sex can be very tiring and if you are lucky time consuming,sometimes a bit of intimate time with yourself can be important and stress relieving. When you are sleeping with another person you also have to make sure they are pleased.

Come on now i'm sure you fantasise about other men etc when your masturbate,do you think you are cheating,I bet you don't.We can't be having double standards.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Please help I recently found out that my husband was secretly lookin at porn on the internet. When I asked him he admitted it but said he was curious(we have watched porn together in the past mainly to have alaugh) he's been doin it for some time and always behind my back.Our sex life isn't great at the minute but he's told me this is due to stress. I feel like he has cheated on me. I don't need to look at other men in a sexual way so i can't understand why he needs to look at other women in a sexual way.I can't handle the secret part of it and what else has he done that he hasn't told me.This was four weeks ago and I still don't want him near me, some days I feel its over with us and other days can't imagine life without him, we have two children and I'm soooo confused.

You're overreacting. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it wouldn't work for someone else, and more importantly, it doesn't mean it's wrong for someone else.
Let me put it this way: if he was playing a violent computer game and killed people in it, would you feel he was a murderer in real life?

Personally I'd be cross that he was doing it behind my back. *that* would be an issue. Sit down and talk to him about it.

TMoreno: implying porn leads to cheating (and yes, it was implied by association) isn't going to help anyone; there's no connection.

unless its freaky porn, who cares.

jim o doom

TMoreno wrote: »

You really don't get it. My post was not an opinion on porn in general. It was my opinion on her problem. If some men prefer porn instead of having sex for real it's their problem. I do not mind them and it's another debate.
Firstly she said that he watched porn behind her back, which means that he had something to hide and he is not proud of it.
Secondly she says that their "sex life isn't great at the minute" She says so, not me. She admits that there is a problem in their relationship, so I just suggested that he could stray, and that they should talk about it before. That's all.
Finally I said that he is not watching women, is watching people having sex which is different. It's the sexual act more than the women that he is missing.

Just because they are having a low point in their sex life & he is watching porn does not mean he is going to cheat. In fact for all she knows, he may have been watching porn the whole time their sex life was "normal" (although by what standards you judge normal I don't know) - she even said they watched it together "for a laugh" although I doubt he was watching for a laugh.. he was watching if for the same reason men always watch porn, to get off. And suggesting that men prefer porn to normal sex is equally ridiculous.. I have a good sex life with my fiancee - some weeks we are at it like rabbits, other weeks just once or twice a week - depending on how both of us feel; that doesn't change my porno viewing habits though, and I'm pretty sure it's the same with most of my friends. Also - suggesting that he is going to cheat, once again for something so simple as watching porn, to a CLEARLY over-reacting person (even the poster who dislikes porn agreed that it was a "bit" of an overreaction), isn't the most productive of things to suggest - and might further scare the woman as to her situation, which most of us regard as normal. Also; she said their sex life isn't great; how from that statement did you manage to glean that it was entirely her husbands fault that this was occurring? It could as much be the OP as the husband for the sex lifes decline recently. And I repeat; how do you know her husband wasn't watching porn the whole time? he hid it from her, probably due to her overreactive nature about such things, and if that's the case he could well have been hiding it all along, do you think he just "threw out" the porn they had watched together for a laugh, or was he using it for the odd sly tug every now and then? I would strongly suggest the latter.

TMoreno

jim o doom wrote: »

Just because they are having a low point in their sex life & he is watching porn does not mean he is going to cheat. In fact for all she knows, he may have been watching porn the whole time their sex life was "normal" (although by what standards you judge normal I don't know) - she even said they watched it together "for a laugh" although I doubt he was watching for a laugh.. he was watching if for the same reason men always watch porn, to get off. And suggesting that men prefer porn to normal sex is equally ridiculous.. I have a good sex life with my fiancee - some weeks we are at it like rabbits, other weeks just once or twice a week - depending on how both of us feel; that doesn't change my porno viewing habits though, and I'm pretty sure it's the same with most of my friends. Also - suggesting that he is going to cheat, once again for something so simple as watching porn, to a CLEARLY over-reacting person (even the poster who dislikes porn agreed that it was a "bit" of an overreaction), isn't the most productive of things to suggest - and might further scare the woman as to her situation, which most of us regard as normal. Also; she said their sex life isn't great; how from that statement did you manage to glean that it was entirely her husbands fault that this was occurring? It could as much be the OP as the husband for the sex lifes decline recently. And I repeat; how do you know her husband wasn't watching porn the whole time? he hid it from her, probably due to her overreactive nature about such things, and if that's the case he could well have been hiding it all along, do you think he just "threw out" the porn they had watched together for a laugh, or was he using it for the odd sly tug every now and then? I would strongly suggest the latter.

You're clearly ignoring her concerns. Again, she makes the connection between her sex life and porn, not me. Telling her that everything is OK because it's OK for you does not help her. Same thing for Bluewolf
I am not judging people, I was just suggesting her to talk about it with him.
It does not harm to talk.

BroomBurner

TMoreno wrote: »

You're clearly ignoring her concerns. Again, she makes the connection between her sex life and porn, not me. Telling her that everything is OK because it's OK for you does not help her. Same thing for Bluewolf
I am not judging people, I was just suggesting her to talk about it with him.
It does not harm to talk.

She might make the connection, but she needs to know that it's an irrational one. You can say something is rational to one particular person, but that doesn't mean it is actually rational.

OP, if you're looking for an easy escape, examine why, what has gone wrong for you, are you bored, etc. There are loads of things you'll need to evaluate yourself, but don't use the excuse of him watching porn.

Btw, if someone's sexlife isn't too great at the moment, it's not necessarily the man's fault. In fact, it's more often than not the woman who will control when a couple have sex (TOTM, etc.)

DD

Even if my sex life is great I still enjoy to watch besides my bf some porn. It never did any harm to anyone .

useful_contacts

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

ALL men watch porn.

Agreed!

Im a woman and i watch porn about twice a week, and im engaged and with my guy 5 years, and we have a great sex life . My partner knows i watch porn and it doesnt bother him.

Doesnt mean im cheating on him.

View Profile

Im a woman and i watch porn about twice a week

Really? That's cool. Didn't think women were big fans of it.

Re OP: I'm surprised it took you this long to realise your husband watches porn. My GF knew that after the first few weeks we started going out.

Silverfish

View Profile wrote: »

Re OP: I'm surprised it took you this long to realise your husband watches porn. My GF knew that after the first few weeks we started going out.

The OP knew her husband watched porn, they had watched it together in the past.

I presume her issue is that it is detracting from their sex life now - that he is watching porn instead of sex with her.
I think she understands that people watch porn.


OP, have you spoken to him about it?

She Devil

I remember the first time I found porn on my boyfriends computer hahaha, he was mortified!!
I to watch porn weekly, and my sex life is fantastic, i love my boyfriend to bits he knows i watch it and doesnt mind and vice versa.

However i don't think this is the underlying issue here, i think there is more to the Op's insecurites, and i think the porn is the tip of the iceburg!
Just talk to him OP, you can sort it out, don't throw your marriage away!

SpookyDoll

Thanks for all your help but I think you hit the nail on the head. I know in my heart I'm over reacting but I think I am lookin for a escape route

Hi OP, ahhhhhhhhhhhh so now we are down to the nitty gritty! So you are somewhat using it as an excuse!

Can I ask why is it you are trying to escape the marriage, what is going on...dont you love him any more?

LegacyUser

Hey Guys! Just to let you know we sat down over the weekend (without kids) and had a great chat, we both talked (and cried). we also realised we don't want to break up the family. We had a great marraige before and we can have it again. We just took each other for granted, stopped listening to one another and bascially just lived together. It was really a lot of small things built up to one huge thing! We have both agreed to take more responsibilty for everything and we had great sex!!!! more than once may I add!!!

HouseHippo

Thats great to hear.Keep it up...the sex i mean

mayordenis

and that solves the case of missing fisherman.

RossFixxxed

Great stuff OP (and lol mayordenis) glad to hear its working out. Shows that sometimes sitting down really helps. It's often the best way, but seems so difficult, and the alternative is letting it gestate for possibly years, even get in the way of a good marriage! Fair play OP, enjoy!



"Have you ever tried sitting down with your kids, turning off the TV and hitting them?" Bender.

jim o doom

Hey OP - That's great to hear, congratulations! plus it's nice to hear u getting back on to everyone, so many times nobody knows what's happened after a thread has died :P

LegacyUser

jim o doom wrote: »

Hey OP - That's great to hear, congratulations! plus it's nice to hear u getting back on to everyone, so many times nobody knows what's happened after a thread has died :P

Hi again ! I felt I had to , I'm new to this internet stuff and I didn'nt expect any response but glad i did really helped! I won't let things bottle-up anymore cause as it was he was feelin the same way! I'll have to get registered so I can talk again!!!