What Have I Done??

LegacyUser

Hey,

It's kind of hard for me to get my head clear and to be honest i haven't got many people to turn to, so anybody who reads this and offers some sort of advice or comfort I really appreciate it. But I don't want anyone to pull any punches here, I need to know what the fu*k to do and if harsh words need to be said then say them.

Ok so about 2 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of two and a half years. We were both very much in love for a long time, but over the last while I started to get restless in the relationship and wasn't sure if I wanted to be in it.

The girl is amazing, she's 23 and genuinely loved me with all of her heart and would have done anything for me. I know that if I had asked this girl to marry me a couple of months ago she would have said yes. I know that, and she wanted for us to move in together and everything.

Anyway my problems in the relationship were a few things that seem kind of fickle now and maybe I have gotten what I deserve. First thing was that while I love this girl 100%, I'm not sure the sexual connection was there. Physically I felt she was letting herself go a bit with weight etc. and I know friends had said things to her (with the best possible intentions) that really upset her and I wouldn't dare upset her because I love her so I always told her she doesn't need to change anything but I could feel myself getting less and less proud of her as we walked down the street together.

Secondly, she was quite reserved sexually. I think she had very little confidence and while this very slowly but surely got better I just felt like I needed sex more and I needed her to take control more instead of me always chasing it and not getting it. We both live at home with our parents so time together in bed was at a premium, however it wasn't unheard of that maybe half the time we slept in the same bed we wouldn't have sex. I know she is very physically attricted to me as she always said she wants me to go places with her to "show me off".

I think she just had issues with sex, but was improving. I was very patient with her and we had talked about it, but I was very carefull that I never hurt her feelings over it and more tried to build her confidence.

Anyway, a few months back I decided enough was enough. I love this girl but it's just not right and we should go our seperate ways, I'm 26 now and there's no point staying with a girl if in your hearts of hearts you know isn't the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

So we were broken up for about a week and to say she was devistated is an understatement, but then we got back together. I know she was very hurt by the experience and I was very sorry for that and I got back with her because I love her.

Then a simular situation happened again about a month after that and we were sort of off / on for a couple of weeks.

Then, last week she was pushing me to make more of an effort with things and I felt clostrophobic so snapped and we had a row and broke it off over the phone.

It didn't hit me for a while that I was alone and continued at work and on the beer at the weekend, but then something happend, something clicked in me and I said holy sh*t what have I done, I love this girl and I felt SO depressed without her, I mean I couldn't get out of bed, I slept all day and wasn't going to work!!

So I contacted her and she was very dismissive, not in a mean way, just in a what's done is dones way, lets move on type thing. Then I learned that she was off at the weekend down the country at a party and out with her friends so I kind of said to her wow you're moving on fast, what the hell!!! And I started backtracking on what I said before, how I didn't think we should be apart and we should see eachother, but what's different now is that she's being EXTREMELY distant and seems to want to move on and it's killing me that she has all these friends and all this support and seems to be coping and from the last few years I only have some drinking buddies I see at the weekend, who I can't talk about soppy relationship stuff with but I've no one to support me and am so alone and devistated. I can't talk to my familly because we're not really that close and I just feel so alone and can't face life anymore.

I'm trying to turn things around with her now, but I think I'm only making things worse for the future, we left on good terms and planned on being friends, but I didn't realise without her I'm nothing and have no body!

What am I going to do? I've ruined my life and it's only a matter of time that she gets with somebody else if she didn't already at the house party at the weekend and I could never go back to her if she did despite wanting to because I know I would resent her for it no matter what!!

Please somebody say something that can make my pathetic life liveable. It's better to have loved and lost? Absolute horse sh*t. It's better to not know what love feels like than to know you've thrown away something so special that you will never get back.

I'm trying to give her space, I really made contact with her yesterday for the first time and she was more or less saying leave it, please stop, but her last text was she can't think about it now cause she was going out with friends...

I don't know what that means, is she going to get back to me? I've heard nothing today and I don't want to contact her and smother her, I want to give her her space, but at the same time I don't want to leave it too long while she's going out "single" cause who knows what might happen and that would kill me.

Please help. I'm in tears here.

midlandsmissus

Hello,

Love is a very hard thing, always. An even if you are the one doing the breaking up you are going to be hurt.

You broke up with her, That girl is following every trick in the book and is a)trying to show you she's moved on and b)trying to make you jealous. And look it's worked. I'm a woman i know how we do things and how we tell our friends to do things.
If she was ringing you every day, crying and begging for you to come back, how would you feel, would you want to get back with her?
No, it's only because she is being distant and cold with you that now you are thinking 'what have i done, I'll never get her back'. This is always the case, you want what you cant have.

Yuo decided when you were together for very sensible reasons, why you didnt want to be with her, so dont lose sight of them now.

You need to wait for a while, dont keep contacting her, cut off contact, have a good think.
Wait for her to contact you, which she will do, and then decide once and for all if you really want to get back with her or not. good luck :-)

LolaLuv

Honestly, OP, you seem like a bit of a pisser, but overall a good guy. The thing is that when you're with someone, you get so used to having them in your life that you develop a sort of dependency. What's happening to you right now is you're going through withdrawal. Keep in mind that you broke up for a reason, because you weren't happy, and wait for the addiction to pass. I know it's very, very difficult, and might take a while, but it will get better eventually.

oldboy

right !!

you had a big enough set of balls on you when you decided she was "letting herself go" and that she wasn't putting out as much as you'd like and you'd had enough being a 26yr old man not wanting to get tied down then dumped her blah blah blah.........

.....now these big balls shrink when you realise that she's actually learned how to be ok without the wonderful amazing man than was you !! you being some much more independent, better looking and better in bed than her ?!?

.... get your balls back where they should be and pull yourself together for f@# sake. Any time you got back with her its ended in disaster !! your 26 and you cant even see this is playschool relationship stuff, you cant even realise you only took her back because you felt so guilty after hurting her, you only want her back cause it looks like now she's fine without you. Stop being a sap. You could get all this watching dawsons creek !!

Join a gym, get a new car, go travelling, take up a sport, hobby. Get in touch with some old old friends, relatives, people you used to know. Try a bit of charity work and meet some new people. Go out on the pull, meet some women who will teach you a thing or two in bed, meet some women you can teach a thing or two to.

Start putting yourself first, follow through on the intial feelings that led you to breaking up with her in the first place and stop wallowing in the romanticised echoes of what you felt when you first met, cause if that was the way you really felt................... you would never have dumped her in the first place.

Man up ! All you're doing is making a show of yourself at the moment and the man you're coming across as is not somebody she or any woman would want to date, or go out with.............let alone marry !!

turgon

OP, I can understand where your coming from a lot. When I was in a long term relationship I used to be torn apart by the will I wont I's. When theres good reasons to keep at it and good reasons to leave it. But most of all, If you love someone its a terror to actually say, right thats it its over. It wont ever be easy to get away from it.

The most important thing for you is decide whether you want your girl or not. I mean a big decision, not just "ah sure ill keep at it for the moment". If you really feel you could spend the rest of your life with her (you mentioned she being prepared for marriage) then you'l need to decide that now. And you will need to stick by that decision.

Look buddy, I know its hard to hear it, but if you yourself arent fully 100% committed in it then you should get out of there. If you arent 100%, then why would you put yourself true it. It will always be hard, but remember the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

When I was in my long relationship my problem was that I just stuck at it for the sake of it. The girl wasnt good looking, she didnt get on well with my friends, but I stuck at it. But those doubts always tore at me at the back of my mind. But I never got the courage to cut it off and face up to the toughness of a break up.

In the end she dumped me. And believe me, if you arent 100% then you will get over it, you will move on, and will be happier in the long run.

You just have to decide once and for all. Hard decision, I know, but If I could talk to me a few years back I would have said the exact same thing and I would have pleaded with myself to take the advise I just wrote.

I realize its a bit much for me to give advise having forwarded a problem on this board this morning, but I think I feel the OP's emotions as the same I used to have

Wibbs

The reason you split up are still there. She's still sexually reserved, she's still "let herself go" etc, so what would change if you back? A few promises soon forgotten on both sides? People get back with people every day. It usually goes tits up for one reason alone. Nothing has changed. You feeling bad is not a sign something has changed.

As midlandsmissus points out she is doing the exact right thing to rev your engine. You fear loss. She's moving away and you run after her. All you're thinking now, or at least mostly what your thinking is panic. the line "I didn't realise without her I'm nothing" shows that. BTW that's utter crap. If she was crying to you, it would put you off. You would reckon you made the right decision.

If you want her back then do the exact same as her. She has the advantage now though. I and others could tell you how to increase your chances massively, but I reckon you'll go back for a while and her lack of sex or bigger arse or whatever will rear its head again. Basically you got bored of her and the routine. Now the routine is upset you're no longer bored and are beginning to obsess about her.

Chill. Step back really take a hard look at your reasons for going back.

LegacyUser

yea man, its just a case of wanting what you cant have

like a poster above said, man up and get urself out there and meet new people (women)

the reasons for splitting up are still there

G&T

I think you did the right thing in calling it off
with this girl,
From the sound's of it ye are both
immature and watch too many drippy american movie's:D

She is playing the roll of a hollywood bitch now,and
Your the guy who realises too late what he has lost!

ye are not kid's,ye should be able to talk about
what's happening,

You called it off for a reason,
imo ye are not ready to settle down and have
more growing-up to do.

LegacyUser

Hey,

OP here. Thanks for the replys.

I kind of feel a bit better now. I went for a beer with probably my only buddy I can talk to and I came back and talked to my mam too.

I know what the right thing to do is let her go, I really feel like I wish I didn't poor my heart out to her before though for her to be distant about. I know I shouldn't contact her for a while at least anyway, I would still like to be friends with her, but it's killing me that she is moving on. For certain reasons I'm starting to feel like she's rubbing it in my face a bit too.

She just has so many more friends and so much more to keep her occupied that I think my desperate attempt to talk was the last cushion she needed and now she can comfortably move on.

I really feel bitter about that and kind of resent it.

It's so tough to let somebody you love go, I just wished she had shown more compation towards me and that she wouldn't have been so distant.

I do love her and miss her like crazy, but it's the right thing to do. I just really really wish she was as bad as me and we could comfort eachother through it, but I know that's not how this works.

I really don't want her to move on before me either, but I just have to live with that too.

I've put her in the position I'm in now too many times I think she's ready for single life and being with her friends. I hate that. I hate that when she was where I am I was so comforting and did everything to make it easier. Now that the tables are turned she's burt me and is having a laugh.

Good luck to her but my life is pretty bad right now, I don't know if I have enough to get away to to ever move on. I can't stop thinking I'll regret this in later life, but I know that if we stayed together and got married I'd always regret never taking the chance, so either way I lose, but at least she now has a chance to be with somebody who will be equally as happy with her, and I suppose when you truly love someone you'll want that for them, even at your own expense.

This is so difficult, I hope it gets easier soon.

Must not contact her.

Dragan

Lonely Idiot wrote: »

I kind of feel a bit better now. I went for a beer with probably my only buddy I can talk to and I came back and talked to my mam too.

Good. There is always someone to talk to mate.

I know what the right thing to do is let her go, I really feel like I wish I didn't poor my heart out to her before though for her to be distant about. I know I shouldn't contact her for a while at least anyway, I would still like to be friends with her, but it's killing me that she is moving on. For certain reasons I'm starting to feel like she's rubbing it in my face a bit too.

She is allowed to move on mate, you broke up with her. Would you rather she locked herself in a tower and wept?

She just has so many more friends and so much more to keep her occupied that I think my desperate attempt to talk was the last cushion she needed and now she can comfortably move on.

I really feel bitter about that and kind of resent it.

It's starting to come out now. Look, there is no easier time in your life to get bitter than post breakup. Accept it for what it is, bitterness, and then get over it.

It's so tough to let somebody you love go, I just wished she had shown more compation towards me and that she wouldn't have been so distant.

It's not. It's easy let them go, and it's easy to sit around and whinge about it. I see it all the time. Stop talking about how much you love this girl. You broke up with her because she wasn't freaky enough and bed and she was getting a bit fat.

Thats not love.

I do love her and miss her like crazy, but it's the right thing to do. I just really really wish she was as bad as me and we could comfort eachother through it, but I know that's not how this works.

Jesus man, was this your first girlfriend?

I really don't want her to move on before me either, but I just have to live with that too.

Jesus, you really are bitter. Reread the above and think about how much of a prat you are being.

I've put her in the position I'm in now too many times I think she's ready for single life and being with her friends. I hate that. I hate that when she was where I am I was so comforting and did everything to make it easier. Now that the tables are turned she's burt me and is having a laugh.

Okay, so all the times you hurt her up to now, it was okay because she let you comfort her? But now she won't so your all upset? The pattern starts to emerge.

I can't stop thinking I'll regret this in later life, but I know that if we stayed together and got married I'd always regret never taking the chance, so either way I lose, but at least she now has a chance to be with somebody who will be equally as happy with her, and I suppose when you truly love someone you'll want that for them, even at your own expense.

First of all, welcome to life. Half the time you don't realise you have ****ed up until things are on fire. Just the way it is.

Finally, stop repeated the last sentence because that seems like the right thing to do or say. There is much more bitterness and anger in your post than love.

Wibbs

Ran out of thanks(always a good sign) so just to say kudos to what Dragan just wrote. A veritable orgy of nails being hit on the head. Especially about the bitterness rather than love.

I would add insecurity as a main ingredient in that recipe. You were insecure when you were with her. You dump her and her moving on has focused that insecurity even more. It's very little to do with the size of her arse or her bedroom antics. You were looking for some validation for your insecurity from an outside source. Her. When you were with her it didn't work so it popped back up and led to now. You're still looking to an outside source now that it's leaving. Word to the wise, that never works. As you're seeing now.

The day insecurity works to give us a healthy relationship, is the day satan will be having snowball fights with his imps in hell.

Take this time to get you back, not her. Get her "back" and you will lose yourself until next time. There will be a next time too.

daveharnett

Lonely Idiot wrote: »

For certain reasons I'm starting to feel like she's rubbing it in my face a bit too.

She just has so many more friends and so much more to keep her occupied that I think my desperate attempt to talk was the last cushion she needed and now she can comfortably move on.

I really feel bitter about that and kind of resent it.

To be brutally honest, I don't think you have any right to resent it. From what you've said, you've done most of the hurting in the relationship, and it's perfectly natural that she's enjoying a little schadenfreude at the knowledge that now you are hurting too. It might seem cruel, but you have been too - that you didn't mean to be is neither here nor there.

I do feel for you, I really do. Everyone has those doubts now and again - it's entirely normal, but you have dealt with yours in a very childish way. In the real world, actions can have profound consequences, so you need to learn to take more care with your decisions. Don't try and forget what you're feeling now, learn from it. It will make you grow into a better, happier person.

EM2008

I think you've a cheek to say she can comfortably move on.. she has had her heart broken and is putting on a brave face.
she is letting you know she has all these plans going on cos she doesn't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing she's gutted over it.
I agree with other posters telling you to grow a pair.
Is it a case that you just don't want anyone else to have her? Honestly you started going out with her when she was only 21 and hadn't she prob is realising how much fun your early twenties are.
I really don't mean to be harsh about it but move on and look for some one you happy with not someone who you can so easily point out the bad points about.

Irishcrx

A few weeks ago mate I could have wrote that word for word, infact I think I did, I did the exact same thing regreated it, wanted her back when she'd moved on, was in bits, couldn't sleep, eat anything but she wouldn't get back with me she had moved on with her life. I know it's tough to except it and wish it could have been differant and hate yourself for it and it may tear you apart...but eventually I said you know what enough I'm moving on aswell.

I got myself sorted, now I'm playing music again with my old band, drumming and having great craic, don't dwell on it have some fun and if it's meant to be in the end it will be.

Serafina_jah

Hi there ye poor dude! Sounds like you're really heartbroken. I can relate to those feelings, felt exactly like you before.It's the worst feeling in the world to be jealous that your ex is moving on without you, feels like your world has collapsed.

It seems like she's over you, and she's fine-hanging out with her friends, goin to parties but you can be sure she isn't. Half of that is probably BS! She's hurt and putting up a defensive front as you hurt her before she's probably pissed and wants you to be as hurt as she was.

Ahhh it's a horrible business. You're doing the right thing though. Meet up with a friend now and then for a beer and head to the movies. Talk to your mom and whoever you can and be nice to yourself You sound like a really nice, sensitive guy and you'll be fine. It justs takes a lot of time. Hope you find somebody really nice and don't get your heart broken again. Next time you're in a relationship, really think things through, think through all the outcomes and consequences before you go making huge decisions, then sleep on it!!

Best of luck mate:p

LegacyUser

Hey,

Op again.

I know, to people who say grow a pair and I'm a fu*king idiot etc., I know. And I know it's childish and I know I have been an a$$hole, but trust me, I didn't realise the extent of it at the time and I know now is tough and I was in a bad phase saying how much I resent things. Of course I want all those things for her and for her to be happy.

We spoke again tonight. For the last time. It was really nice and I'll always be greatful to her for it. She thawed out and let me know she is only doing what she has to do to make this livable for her and she is devistated too. Even though none of you people will ever know either of us, we shared some words that feel kind of private, but she really is an amazing girl and I feel better that she softened the blow for me and gave me the "don't worry, I'm going through it too and you're going to be fine" and she also let me know she doesn't hate me for how I was which I think was the one thing more than anything I needed to hear.

Thank you all so much for your input - for the kind words and the kicks up the hole, all required in equal measure.

I'll let you know if there are any further updates, but I've a feeling this is one PI that has ended with a bit of a happy ending and a bit of closure.

Onwards and upwards, I hope she has an amazing life, she desreves it.

Time to rebuild.

artyeva

but it's killing me that she is moving on. For certain reasons I'm starting to feel like she's rubbing it in my face a bit too.

Oh my good god - this is the bit that gets me.... you're not happy with her weight, you're not happy with how much s*x ''she's giving you'' and now that she is going out with her friends, trying to move on with her life and more than likely trying to get her self esteem back you're angry and upset at her???????

:eek: pleeeeeeeeeeeez

move on

The Sweeper

I'm not so sure that you've realised you really were in love.

I think you've realised what it feels like for someone not to care about you as much as you care about them - which is probalby just how your girlfriend felt when you dumped her.

Image means a lot to you - obviously - and I reckon your ego has been trampled by your ex-girlfriend managing to live without you.

It's very simple - you don't get to **** on someone and then be annoyed that it washed off.

spinandscribble

that was excellently put minesjackdaniels

John Mason

Look you broke for a reason - those reasons will always be there and life is far too short to stay with someone you love as a friend.

go out and play the field, it is christmas, you should have no problem getting a good few shags in before the new year, enjoy being single - its brilliant

but for god sake leave the girl alone and let her get on with her life

murraydave

its seems relly hard now to move on and you probably feel like you will never get her out of your head but believe me from experience you will....you will move on and so will she but you will be ok....time heals all wounds buddy

Robbie23

You've really gotta come out hard hitting here because you've only got one good punch left.

If you want her back you've gotta pull out all the stops and don't just tell her how much she means to you-show her.

But if that fails(and it's a big if) then you've just got to let her go.

TripleAce

Sometimes I wonder how many relationships could be saved if girls started doing a bit of exercise (same for men).....

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Look you broke for a reason - those reasons will always be there

Indeed and the only reason people should get back together is if those reasons change or the attitude to those reasons change and people accept that and work at that change. People tend to respond with panic, promise the earth they'll change and through laziness don't hence ex relationships go wallop in the majority of cases. In the minority that do work they're often better relationships after the split as the head is in play as much as the heart, but they're rare. Yours does not sound like one of the rare ones tbh.

and life is far too short to stay with someone you love as a friend.

True though it's easy to confuse the settled long term part of a relationship for friendship. Again that requires work and insight to thrive, but again people can be lazy.

go out and play the field, it is christmas, you should have no problem getting a good few shags in before the new year, enjoy being single - its brilliant

Enjoying being single is a good plan, but IMHO going on a shagfest is not good advice. It's covering up the cracks not dealing with them. The emotional equivalent of getting mashed out of it for a while(with the added bonus of possibly wrecking someone elses head). Yes it will take your mind off, but will do little or nothing for your own personal emotional growth. Take some emotional time off. Look at why the last one went wallop and see where you can change for you that will help you build better relationships, even if they only last a week, or even a night. That way you will make better choices down the line in who you go out with in the first place and how you will navigate the relationship in it's ups and downs.

but for god sake leave the girl alone and let her get on with her life

That bit I wholeheartedly agree with.

artyeva

TripleAce wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder how many relationships could be saved if girls started doing a bit of exercise (same for men).....

so you imply that only skinny and fit is attractive?

puleeeze - who's to say that if the girl of op's affections was a size 0 this still wouldn't have happened? that's codswallop - and off topic :mad:

Wibbs

artyeva wrote: »

so you imply that only skinny and fit is attractive?

Yes if that's what someone wants. We all have diferent tastes, but those tastes should have some reality behind them and should be added to the time spent together and times shared. I have noted that when men or women start complaining about how the partner has changed looks dept wise it's often an excuse. Unless obviously they've massively changed, gone obese or anorexic. Then its a health issue as well as a sexual one. The looks bit is more with younger people anyway.

TripleAce

artyeva wrote: »

so you imply that only skinny and fit is attractive?

Do you think that overweight is more attractive that fit? I guess you are right and that about 2% of the men out there will agree with you. Go through PI posts and you will see how many men think about breaking a relationship because their girlfriend is getting overweight.

I think there is no excuse for a girl (or a man) to become overweight after they are settle into a long term relationship. This is not only a sign of laziness, but also a sign of disrespect for the partner who is not even worth 3-4 hours of exercise/week (this is all it takes really).
And the girl should realise this by herself (mirrors help) because I can imagine how heartbreaking is for the guy to tell her in a nice way without looking like an ***hole.

Wibbs

Folks lets lay off the personal weight preferences here and not reduce it to another fat/thin thread. OK fine it is part of what the OP said was a reason, but not the only part. Thanks

perfect_circle

OP, i went through an absolutely *identical* situation to you. i broke up with my bf b/c i was no longer attracted to him and things got a bit stuffy etc after 2 years. we even went through the same break up, get back together a few weeks later scenario only for me to call it off in frustration shortly thereafter.

after breaking up with him the second time he began trying to move on. he started going out with friends and being independent etc and a little while later i was exactly like you. i was sooo lonely and upset, i thought my life was over without him, i thought i needed him back and i regretted my decision.

but you know what? eventually i moved on. i realised my reasons for ending things were legitimate, i started going out more myself and got used to single life again, and in hindsight i know it was for the best.

after 2+ years you become so used to a person and its sometimes more comfortable to stay in the relationship.. but not if you're not happy when you're in it.

it feels really tough now, and unfortunately it will for awhile, but it will get easier and eventually you'll be glad you made the decision and you'll meet a girl who's even more perfect for you, trust me. keep your head up and trust that you've made the right decision. best of luck