Not replying

LegacyUser

Ok, I know I'm going to get a slating for this but I need to get it off my chest before I say it to himself.

More and more recently I have felt like my boyfriend is growing distant from me. We're together nearly two years. Some days he's all talk of plans for the future and other days I feel like he wishes I would just disappear. I have talked to him but he says nothing is wrong. I'm in my last year of college and only see him at weekends. During the week I might talk to him briefly online but the conversation is full of huge gaps and pauses, and we never actually ring each other. Yes, I know it takes two to tango, that's fair enough. When I see him at weekends he's surgically attached to his phone, always texting one person or another.

He started a new job recently and the other day he made a comment about me not supporting him. It hurt me a lot as I give him my full support but he obviously didn't feel that. I texted him yesterday to ask him how work was and got no reply. Same thing today. This is such a minor thing but it hurts me. If he texts me and asks me something he expects a reply straight but he very rarely replies to me. I know most texts can be ignored, but as I never really hear from him during the week I like to text him to feel close to him. I'm talking maybe 3 texts a day, but when I get no reply I feel so distanced from him. He does reply if I ask him something directly but it could take a couple of hours to get a response. Even then, once he feels the conversation is up he just stops replying. Never says 'Ok, I'm busy but I'll talk to you later', like he does with the lads.

I have explained to him how it makes me feel, and I know it's stupid but it does hurt. Like I said, when I'm with him he never stops at his phone and I feel so second rate. I feel like I'm not worth the effort it takes to send me a response.

moonlightreader

It may be time to sit down together and have a serious chat about what you both want in your relationship.

John Mason

jaysis, cut out the text messages and actually have a conversation with him.
do people actually know how to have a conversation anymore?

damo86

Yup, definitely need to sit down and talk, hes probably very unsure and hasnt decided where the relationship is going, unfortunately giving off the signals that the relationship is ending.
Call him, no texting...texting are vague and one can read too much into them i.e. not responding, short etc.

Theres obviously no love from his side if he making no effort, get out before you get hurt even further.
But you cant decide anything till ye properly talk on what you both need.

LegacyUser

Pet, I've been in the same situation. An ex was just like that with me towards the end. It was so frustrating and made me feel both silly and insecure. Eventually he ended it but I got the impression he'd been so mean because he had been hoping I'd end it and spare him the guilt of being the "dumper".

You don't deserve this sort of treatment. No one does. It does sound like he doesn't see this lasting but he's so confused that he doesn't want to take definiate action.

You will find someone better. Every guy bar one since that ex I mentioned has been far better in giving me what I want and need. The one that came after that didn't - well I was wiser by then and didn't put up with it and dumped him.

Out of every relationship you gain from wisdom that will stand to you in the future.

Please think about what you really want. It doesn't sound like he's treating you well enough to be a good friend let alone a girlfriend.

cantdecide

Texting is not the way. If the relationship is over, it's time for direct confrontation.

cafecolour

Well, if this a new lack of communication, then definitely, the signs point to him feeling done the relationship and not having the balls to out and say it.

Having said that, a lot of times I feel like women especially tend to default to a basic 'how are you doing, how was work, how was your day' sort of questions when they just want to make small talk or get emotional affirmation as the relationship progresses, which doesn't necessarily work as well with guys - it can turn them into petulant teenagers. Having said that, if he's no longer giving you the courtesy of engaging in it, it would seem that he's feeling thing are stale. You could try a more 'object' based small talk - I find media the best for that, ie talk about a tv show you might both watch, a movie you saw, or 'I've just gotten turned on to this band by my friend XXXXX, you know them?' etc. Stuff you may have started with. See if that gets any more response.

LegacyUser

I don't think our relationship is over at all. Like I said, we're making plans for the future, but *sometimes* he seems distant. We're both going through a lot at the moment and he finds it hard to talk anyway. I felt I was being pushed away as a result. Not all the time, just sometimes. He was never a big one for replying to my texts but at the moment, considering I only see him two nights a week and he's never online, it's frustrating me as when I do see him he won't stop at his phone.

I've posted on here once or twice before when I was having an issue in the relationship that I couldn't seem to sort out and wanted some fresh eyes on it. Always, the majority of the people tell me to leave him, or the relationship is ending, or that I'm unhappy and need a new start. I know you don't get the whole story from a post, but don't be so pessimistic about every relationship. Every couple has problems, and when you don't get to see them every day a minor thing can be blown out of proportion. That's what happened last night, not replying was minor and I came on here to get it off my chest only to be told my relationship was over. I don't know if you're all cynical or lonely but you need to realise that no relationship is perfect all the time and you need to stop telling people, who are upset and vulnerable enough to be posting online, that there relationship is over because the OH doesn't wash the dishes.

LegacyUser

overthetop, I can only speak for myself...

"I feel like I'm not worth the effort it takes to send me a response."

A good bf shouldn't make you feel like that all the time. Like you said it doesn't take much effort on his part to keep up communication but he isn't doing it. You said last night that sometimes he makes you feel like he'd rather you "disappeared". He's been growing increasingly distant. These are all bad signs. If you talk to him about them, you may find out whats going on and move past this. But you do need to talk to him. Because his behaviour as described in your original message was pathetic as a boyfriend.

No one on the board is a mind reader... I think - we only offer advice on what is before us. Read over your original message...

I for one am not pessimistic about relationships. But if a friend's bf treated them the way your boyfriend is treating you I'd tell her to be very wary. This is from my own personal experience. EVERYONE'S bf/gf can get a lil distant sometimes but not to the extent that your bf seems to be. It's not healthy for a relationship.

Please do not stay on the defensive. The posters (myself included) just felt he wasn't treating you properly and you deserve better treatment. Surely that's only a good thing? Talk to him. I assumed you'd talked to him already as you said "more and more recently I have felt like my boyfriend is growing distant from me." If my bf acted how yours has been I'd have to explain my concerns to him. If not for a resolution then just to stop myself turning mad!

Beruthiel

One does not conduct a 2 year relationship via text.

cantdecide

overthetopp wrote: »

I don't think our relationship is over at all. Like I said, we're making plans for the future, but *sometimes* he seems distant. We're both going through a lot at the moment and he finds it hard to talk anyway. I felt I was being pushed away as a result. Not all the time, just sometimes. He was never a big one for replying to my texts but at the moment, considering I only see him two nights a week and he's never online, it's frustrating me as when I do see him he won't stop at his phone.

I've posted on here once or twice before when I was having an issue in the relationship that I couldn't seem to sort out and wanted some fresh eyes on it. Always, the majority of the people tell me to leave him, or the relationship is ending, or that I'm unhappy and need a new start. I know you don't get the whole story from a post, but don't be so pessimistic about every relationship. Every couple has problems, and when you don't get to see them every day a minor thing can be blown out of proportion. That's what happened last night, not replying was minor and I came on here to get it off my chest only to be told my relationship was over. I don't know if you're all cynical or lonely but you need to realise that no relationship is perfect all the time and you need to stop telling people, who are upset and vulnerable enough to be posting online, that there relationship is over because the OH doesn't wash the dishes.

In fairness, you put forward a situation and asked what it meant. Based on what you've said- it would be clear to anyone that you have big communication problems. If your description isn't based on the reality?

I'm not cynical but if you were p*ssed because you like to communicate in text and your BF doesn't, well there's your answer right there. If you think we've over-reacted, try editing your original post to "Our relationships is 100% fine I wish my BF would reply to my texts", which is hardly worthy of a PI thread.

LegacyUser

Also, he can't be bothered to take the time or effort to reply to you when you text - but when you're together he's playing with his phone all the time? Who the hell is he texting then? And why are they more important than you?

LegacyUser

sounds like he is having doubts to be honest with ya, im a bloke and it sounds a bit like i was at the end of my relationship, id lost alot of interest but just wasnt sure enuf to end things, in the end i got dumped, after a few days i realised it was the right ting to do

if he was never one to reply to you txts then why is it an issue now?

i tink its pure ignorance not to reply to a txt at least at some stage during the day especially if its your other half

wylo

overthetopp wrote: »

I don't think our relationship is over at all. Like I said, we're making plans for the future, but *sometimes* he seems distant. We're both going through a lot at the moment and he finds it hard to talk anyway. I felt I was being pushed away as a result. Not all the time, just sometimes. He was never a big one for replying to my texts but at the moment, considering I only see him two nights a week and he's never online, it's frustrating me as when I do see him he won't stop at his phone.

I've posted on here once or twice before when I was having an issue in the relationship that I couldn't seem to sort out and wanted some fresh eyes on it. Always, the majority of the people tell me to leave him, or the relationship is ending, or that I'm unhappy and need a new start. I know you don't get the whole story from a post, but don't be so pessimistic about every relationship. Every couple has problems, and when you don't get to see them every day a minor thing can be blown out of proportion. That's what happened last night, not replying was minor and I came on here to get it off my chest only to be told my relationship was over. I don't know if you're all cynical or lonely but you need to realise that no relationship is perfect all the time and you need to stop telling people, who are upset and vulnerable enough to be posting online, that there relationship is over because the OH doesn't wash the dishes.

So why ask for advice if your ignoring the advice your given. Theres no point in people replying and telling you what you want to hear unless its true. Your first post reeks of 'end of relationship'. The way your describing him is how alot of fellas act when there fed up in a relationship. As a matter of fact its how a lot of girls act too.

anonymous_joe

I found myself in a similar situation before.

She wanted instant replies to everything, but never gave them back. She was irrational about it, etc. She made huge demands of my time, wanted massive effort, and when she got it it was never appreciated. It led to arguments, and a lot of hurt. Our relationship didn't last a hole lot longer.

Talk about it - if that's not able to resolve it, then I recommend you walk away before this makes you even more miserable.