slut?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Just wondering what your thoughts were on this.

What are your genuine opinions and thoughts (male and female) on a girl who 'sleeps around'.

I mean if you're in a relatively small city it would tend to be known if you sleep with a few different people. I'm not talking about like a different lad every night, or even every weekend but just it always seems to be that everyone knows everyone.

So what I'm getting at is if you heard someone was having NSA sex with people would you consider her slutty? Or be dodgy about eventually getting into a relationship with her?

I know it's the '21st Century' etc etc but what do people genuinely think and react?

Wibbs

Is this your personal issue? If not I'm locking this. It's not a general debate forum.

LegacyUser

Hey, yes it is my PI as I'm not up for a relationship but don't want to create a reputation for myself either.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It would put me off if if a girl had a reputation. Some will argue this is petty of me but I can't help how I feel and I think 99% of guys feel the same.

Not really a numbers issue as such, more I wouldn't like the idea of people thinking my girlfriend was an easy ride.

Colonel_McCoy

I know your not up for a relationship............but a later time you will and in my opinion I would not consider a person for relationship who had a reputation round town. Dont want to be stirring all that porridge.

Carturo

Yep I'd see you as a slut, and maybe I'd want to have sex with you (seeing as how you're putting it about), depending on your looks, but that's it. Brutal, but honest.

TheZohanS

Unregistered wrote: »

if you heard someone was having NSA sex with people would you consider her slutty? Or be dodgy about eventually getting into a relationship with her?

Yes.

Maybe you should just find yourself a shag-buddy.

At least that way you won't get a reputation and will lessen the risk of an STI.

alices_wonder

well it all depends on what you are looking for and what you're comfortable with. An individual who just goes around systematically screwing everything in their sight regardless of their relationship status or level of alcohol consumption every night of the week will not be liked.
Dublin is a small city but the nature of your sexual encounters should not be dependent upon its size.
It's simple, whether you want a relationship or a f**k buddy or a once off as long as you are careful, look after your physical and sexual safety and are emotionally able to deal with the consequences then go for it!

Dob74

Yes.

If you are going to be with alot of locals everyone will know. It will narrow your chioces later on. Don't sleep with someone on a one night stand, even if you kind of know them.
Everyone will be told. There is one thing people like is hot gossip. Try going out with someone for a while.

what do people genuinely think and react?

would never go out with a girl if i found out she used to sleep around..

and there is a difference between a slut and a stud.. despite many people arguing they do the same. a girl can go pick anyone she wants to have sex with but a lad who manages to sleep with loads of girls is actually doing well since he can't pick and choose.

so yea, people still think and react the same.. girl who sleeps around is a slut.

Madame Razz

Whats your definition of sleeping around OP?? Because people have different views of what warrants excess when it comes to these matters.

EDIT: I didn't realise the OP was female!!


I haven't exactly been an angel in the past myself, but that has had no effect on the type of person that I am. I just got too fond of having a good time, and unfortunately was at times a little too fun-loving, that and I damn well like that sort of fun:D. I don't look back on it, but I don't deny it either. I don't judge or define myself by it, and if I don't then why should others?? Those who judge so called 'promiscuity' often have far more issues with sex and sexuality than the person that they condemn.

As for the small town syndrome, well I live in Galway, and 2bh theres too much happening down here for people to be too bothered about whos sleeping with who.

Oh, and a girl who sleeps around is not necessarily a slut. Thats a self esteem/attitude issue to be honest. Some people just enjoy sex.

You do what you want to do. You do what you choose to do. At the end of the day it is your life and your decision, and let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone.

Life is for living; It isn't a dress rehearsal, so make the most of it. Looking back I have some hair-raising tales, but theres probably only one encounter I genuinely regret.

My boyfriend has been with far fewer than me, he knows I was a little wayward for a time, but doesn't judge me by it, it wasn't an issue for him, as he judged me on who I was as opposed to anybody else.

AS Oscar Wilde once said 'Expereince is the name everybody gives to their mistakes'

Koushki

Coming from a girl, Yeah, that's pretty slutty.
All the guys i know, including my boyfriend, think it's really off-putting if a girl has slept around.

alices_wonder

Honestly if the girl is in control and is doing this out of sexual desire and not a need to prove something or self esteem issues then i say go for it!
what ever happened to women's lib?
does it mean that women can only be sexually liberated in relationships?
if she doesnt want a relationship she should not be judged or ashamed of having a few NSA. I mean its the 21st century, come on people stop putting the women's lib movement back into the dark age. let the girl do what she wants!

TheZohanS

alices_wonder wrote: »

Honestly if the girl is in control and is doing this out of sexual desire and not a need to prove something or self esteem issues then i say go for it!
what ever happened to women's lib?
does it mean that women can only be sexually liberated in relationships?
if she doesnt want a relationship she should not be judged or ashamed of having a few NSA. I mean its the 21st century, come on people stop putting the women's lib movement back into the dark age. let the girl do what she wants!

She can do as she wants, nobody is stopping her.

But she will get a reputation of being slutty!!

Madame Razz

TheZohan wrote: »

She can do as she wants, nobody is stopping her.

But she will get a reputation of being slutty!!

Again, being a slut is entirely different to being highly sexed:rolleyes:

JDLK

This is not about sexual liberation from the sociological feminist viewpoint which has long dispelled the myth of the "slut".

This post is about the the OP's perception of herself which she has tied into the imagined perception of her by "men". First of all men dont get together as a collective unit and label women "sluts" then afford them respect based on that categorisation. As you walk down the street the men you see wont know your sexual history, as you meet new men they wont know your sexual history, in fact unless you take an ad out in a newspaper repeatedly I dont know how you can be branded a "slut" by anyone.

However it is quite apparant that you may view yourself as a "slut" if you indulge in this behaviour- if you have a negative view of people who are sexually promiscuous then this lifestyle is obviously not for you.

Tieing your own self worth with that of other peoples' possible perceptions of you brings neither reward nor loss, if you abstain from this behaviour there is no proof that you will be happy- indeed you may wake up one day feeling you missed out, if you indulge in it you may not be fulfilled by it either.

In either case the result will most likely be attached to your own views on sex rather than anyone elses.

Auldloon

Hi op
Im a guy and as someone who has slept around i couldnt think negatively of anyone who sleeps around without being a hyprocite.
Theres a lot more important things to concider when choosing a partner than how many people they have slept with.

RugbyFanatic

Sluts are great for 3 things

(1)If you don't pull 'normal girls' on a night out you can go to them and be guaranteed nookie
(2)If your feeling a bit bored you can always ring them up whenever and you know they'll oblige
(3)They let you do diabolical things to them without complaining.


but as for relationship purposes

no, no and no

Wibbs

I reckon the reality is that many of not a large proportion of men will think badly of you. Or will figure well this is too easy and get bored quickly. We could go back and forth as to the whys and wherefores of the double standard, but exist it does. Even the most liberal type will say one thing and go for another. I've seen that enough times.

I think JDLK's post especially the last three paragraphs are good advice and observation. It's how this affects you within yourself that is the concern. As JDLK says you define yourself that way and that's not good.

The women I've known who had a lot of partners and quite a bit of fun too, didn't think of themselves that way. They were also from a practical standpoint discreet about it. Very few would have had a clue how many partners they had. It's no ones biz but yours. Now discretion is maybe a bit old fashioned a concept but it is a valuable one in the face of the reality of the double standard. It's not a nice double standard, but it does exist, best to avoid it if you can.

JDLK's point about men not knowing your history is very valid with men on the street and general randomers. The practicalities especially in a small town or social circle is different though. That's where the discretion comes in. Don't crap on your own doorstep kinda thing.

I agree with him though, it doesn't feel like this path agrees with you. Or at least this version of it. If it's a sexual release you are after(arent we all:)) then a friends with benefits thing might be better, though can bring it's own issues. If it's sexual novelty that floats your boat, then go with the discretion angle. Be sexually safe and try and find the route that you need and works for you.

Good luck.

Nevyn

Pick the right grown up mature partners who know what it is to be discrete and you will be fine.

greenneonlight

I definitely agree with the two ideas:
1) if you want sexual liberation, then maybe a sex buddy would be your best bet!
or
2) keeping it discreet

However I am interested in knowing why it is that women get that reputation, but men do not?

It's a confusing world

Madame Razz

I wholeheartedly agree that discretion is key.....

This is the quintessential difference between sluts/manwhores; and those men and women who merely like to have fun.

cantdecide

When you're available to be used, you inevitibly cheapen yourself. I've had some very "slutty" friends in my time. Lots were decent people who did themselves a disservice by not showing a little more restraint. I knew one girl who just loved the closeness and intimacy of it. For her, it was little to do with the act itself...

LegacyUser

Wow, some really interesting things said there lads thanks!

Just so you know - the reason I am posting this is because in the past I got into a situation of 'enjoyig myself' too much. Turned out over a period of say 2-3 months, possibly less I had been with 3 different lads. Who happened to feckin know eachother.

It's NSA sex I want, but that's not to say I wouldn't like a relationship. Whn I say I'm not up for it, it's just cause you never know when these things come up so in the meantime...

I genuinely DO NOT see girls who sleep around in a bad light at all, quite the reverse, as long as they are hurting noone. It's just that it isn't easy to go to work/a pub/whatever place these people knowing you're being branded ' slut '...

It's interesting to hear different view points though, and I have to say am of the opinion that no matter how much we 'are in the 21st century' a woman is not on the same standards when it comes to sleeping around.

Thanks all

Eric Cartman

i have to say i dont mind girls that sleep around, it doesnt put me off , i really hate it when guys call them sluts just for sleeping around, there allowed , its not a bad thing, it actually puts me off if a girl is really into commitment

PeakOutput

right iv answered this question before but my views on this have changed recently

to an extent i dont have a problem

but i recently met a nice girl good looking fun etc etc slept together the first night going fine but then i heard her recent history and in particular recent history without protection and i just couldnt get past it. call me a hypocrite i never thought id find it a problem but it completely put me off her.

having said that it was a particularly extreme history

edit; i also believe that alot of girls would have a problem with a guy who did as much sleeping around so i dont think its quite double standards

Terodil

I think it's important to point out that standards are involved here and that standards should apply regardless of the gender of the person involved.

Unfortunately the term 'slut' is more often used for women, though probably men deserve that 'appelation' far more often than women do. I personally abhor that term and would never use it to describe anybody.

That said, if I knew that somebody was 'sleeping around' without any sense of moderation, that would pretty much invalidate that 'candidate' for consideration for a real relationship. I would be worried that I was just another adventure to be dumped 2h later, to be utterly forgotten. Now if I was into one-night-stands that might be a different thing, but I'm not.

kwinabeeste

Slut for me is a girl that goes dresses provocatively with little left to the imagination and "looks" like they are looking for sex. If you keep it discrete and choose partners that are not going to blab as others have said then you aren't a slut in my opinion no matter what number you have. Anybody who says they would not go out with a girl who had a lot of partners is ridiculous. They learn things and make the sex better.

Without being crude, we have all heard of wizards sleaves, "loose" for "sluts" but thats also cr@p. the girl could sleep around with one guy a week and only have sex once, while someone in a relationship could have sex 3/4 times a day 7 days a week and this is never mentioned... just some lads insecurities about not being able to perform for a more experienced girl...

I knew one girl who would wear short skirts, halter tops, knee boots who had a rep for being a slut but never slept with anyone.. it was just the way she dressed and another girl who dressed conservatively and was the "town bike" but was not called a slut.. go figure

greenneonlight

Yeah I think I've decided that the whole double standard thing is completely rediculous, it is unfair to call a girl a slut for sleeping around while a guy doesn't for doing the exact same thing.

Anyway the issue here is, that what matters is being careful, if you choose to sleep with many people, fine, be discreet and be careful, sex is a huge part of living and it can liberate people too. Unless of course, you are having sex to compensate for other feelings you may or may not have about yourself, I don't know. I think if one is not in a relationship then they should be free to explore and have new experiences. I guess they will learn alot about themselves along the way, and that's an important thing.

But definitely being smart and causious is the best way to go about it, not shouting it out to the world, I feel that if one chooses to sleep with alot of people, it should be done for enjoyment, liberation, experience.

The issue of how one dresses I think could be a different debate? Personally I think one should be proud of their body, however, dressing completely OTT,(just give a little!;) ) is not showing respect for themselves, they would be treating themselves as an object really and that's the same respect you will get from the other person in return.

cafecolour

I'd say a lot of men, here as well, still have the madonna/whore complex for women. Ie they might be fine to sleep with a whore, but they want the mother of their children to me a innocent and virginal.

So if you want to play the field a bit, but are worried about your rep in a small town, your parents hearing things, what not, well, party out - take a weekend away to another town and see if you end up meeting a nice fling there. Be safe of course - both STD wise, and not getting yourself in a dodgy situation just because you feel 'I came all the way here to hook up, I might as well even if I have misgivings.'

Or you can say FXXX it, sleep with who you want to in the town (again with the above safe disclaimer), and end up with the guy who doesn't really care about how many people you've slept with, as he's likely to be a better partner - both sexually and emotionally - in the end anyway. And if you can't find him in that town, it's a big enough country, and def a big enough world.

iguana

I can't believe how often this almost exact issue comes up here. I think it's pretty sad that at this point in time there are so many people, especially women, who are so afraid of what other people think of them for doing something which doesn't hurt anybody and makes them feel good.

I've always been of the opinion that if someone is going to judge me on my sexual decisions then I don't value that person's judgement. And I think that you should develop that opinion too, OP. I'm not saying that you need to shout your sexual adventures from the rooftops, but you shouldn't feel you have to be ashamed of them either. Don't let other peoples narrow-mindedness colour your actions. As long as you aren't hurting anybody what right has anybody got to judge you? And if they are someone who assumes that right ask yourself how much you care about that type of person's judgement anyway.

The Sweeper

Unregistered wrote: »

What are your genuine opinions and thoughts (male and female) on a girl who 'sleeps around'.

It's none of my business and I wouldn't think any less of her if she, or someone else, told me about it.

Unregistered wrote: »

I mean if you're in a relatively small city it would tend to be known if you sleep with a few different people. I'm not talking about like a different lad every night, or even every weekend but just it always seems to be that everyone knows everyone.

Yes, everyone does know everyone in a small setting, and yes, people gossip.

Unregistered wrote: »

So what I'm getting at is if you heard someone was having NSA sex with people would you consider her slutty? Or be dodgy about eventually getting into a relationship with her?

Me personally: no.

If your question is "Does having NSA sex with multiple partners make me a heinous whore of babylon?", my answer is no.

If your question is "I live in a small town and enjoy recreational sex, do you think I'll get a reputation?" my answer is yes.

If your question then is "Will I deserve that reputation?" my answer is that nobody deserves a reputation like that and people should mind their own business.

If your final question is "But do people in small towns ever mind their own business?" my answer to that is no, they don't, so if you're worried about what people think, then behave accordingly.

BraziliaNZ

unfortunately most men on these message boards have double standards and have a neanderthal like view on sex and women. Double standards. As long as you are being careful I don't see the issue, unless it's blatantely in your face sluttiness!
Most men when single will want to bang as many types of women as they can, and if you feel the same well who are we to judge you? I couldn't care less how many people my girlfriends have slept with, and I would never ask, a lot of men feel the same so just stay away from idiots and you'll be fine.

Terodil

iguana wrote: »

I've always been of the opinion that if someone is going to judge me on my sexual decisions then I don't value that person's judgement. And I think that you should develop that opinion too, OP. I'm not saying that you need to shout your sexual adventures from the rooftops, but you shouldn't feel you have to be ashamed of them either. Don't let other peoples narrow-mindedness colour your actions. As long as you aren't hurting anybody what right has anybody got to judge you? And if they are someone who assumes that right ask yourself how much you care about that type of person's judgement anyway.

It's your prerogative, of course, to decide that some people are 'not valuable' to you, whatever your criteria may be.

However I do not feel that that advice is sound to give to the OP. It's too easy to stamp those that do mind about your past as 'unvaluable'.

If both people are out for a one-nighter then who cares, I agree; if, however, one of the two is looking into a serious relationship then I think it's natural for that person to wonder if the other person is serious about it too. Words can be deceiving; actions speak louder than words. And that does mean that the past is taken into account. Doubts are sneaky, they can be subconscious, and constitute a real threat to relationships. So changing partners like underwear is not going to help you in that long-term-relationship area, and you may be laying the ground for trouble later. It's a difficult decision to make, but don't go the easy way of saying 'f* those who care anyway'. You may lose the most interesting people that way.

Dragan

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey, yes it is my PI as I'm not up for a relationship but don't want to create a reputation for myself either.

Chances are that we have very little to no control over what our "reputation". That is something applied by other people, not ourselves.

Depending on who you talk to about someone you will often get a different opinion on the type of person that they are.

Honestly, if you spend too long worrying about what other people think, something which you have no control over, then you won't do anything.

If you want sex, then have sex. All you can really do is place your faith in your own decision making and go from there.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Just so you know - the reason I am posting this is because in the past I got into a situation of 'enjoyig myself' too much. Turned out over a period of say 2-3 months, possibly less I had been with 3 different lads. Who happened to feckin know eachother.

3 lads in two months? Yawn. There are men out there sleeping with 3 girls A WEEK, and these men are 'legends' and 'studs'. There is no such thing as enjoying yourself too much. Enjoyment does not have a limit, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

Unregistered wrote: »

I genuinely DO NOT see girls who sleep around in a bad light at all, quite the reverse, as long as they are hurting noone. It's just that it isn't easy to go to work/a pub/whatever place these people knowing you're being branded ' slut '...

It's interesting to hear different view points though, and I have to say am of the opinion that no matter how much we 'are in the 21st century' a woman is not on the same standards when it comes to sleeping around.

I understand where you're coming from, and I'd have to say that if you DO live in a small town and you are intent on having NSA sex with multiple partners, then you are, unfortunately, going to be branded a 'slut'. What you need to do is develop a thick skin and learn to deal with it. I find the best way to deal with it is to think about the poor, narrow-minded prudes and all the amazing sex they're NOT having because they have a big stick up their arse about sex. It's unlikely that anyone's going to say anything to your face about it - behind your back, they might. If someone does say something, even in a jokey way, the phrase 'at least I'm getting some' accompanied by a great big smile and a cocked eyebrow goes a looooooooong way.

If you refuse to be ashamed of your behaviour, people can't shame you for it. Hold your head up, tell anyone who dares to comment that yes, you enjoy sex, and what's the problem with that? More often that not, the person will completely back down. People can only make you feel bad if you let them.

When it comes to men... yeah, it's tricky. A lot of men see promiscuous women as damaged goods. But, honestly - if you have an open-minded attitude to sex, you're never, ever going to be compatible with someone who thinks that having lots of sex somehow devalues you as a person. For these men, sex will always be somehow 'bad' or 'dirty'. And they tend to be **** in bed :P

The kind of guy you want to find is someone who appreciates the fact that you're a street angel but a bedroom devil, and one who knows that a girl who enjoys sex and isn't ashamed of it is exactly the type of girl you want to have.

So basically - fcuk what everyone else thinks. Go out, get laid, be safe, and enjoy yourself.

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

Chances are that we have very little to no control over what our "reputation". That is something applied by other people, not ourselves.

I partially agree. There is a school of thought afoot that says well do what you like it's your life and no one elses. Yes that has much value but the practicalities of everyday life are different. No man or woman is an island. How our society of friends and in general views us is more in our control than not. We do have a fairly large amount of control over how we are viewed by others in most things we do(if not all). Yes people will form an opinion regardless, but the opinion they form is almost entirely predicated on our actions and words. Good and bad reputations then spread by word of mouth. Forget the sex angle for a second, lets say as a wierd comparison, a bloke likes to get dressed up as a woman once a month. I mean the full get up, whatever oils your axle etc. If he does that in his local pub, this will be seen as a bad thing. It will be seen by the very people he doesn't want to get that rep as a crossdresser. If he does that in a strange pub or with like minded people, the rep wont happen to nearly the same degree, if at all. Ok that's an extreme example and comparison, but you get my point. He's free to be a crossdresser. No probs there, but he will face problems from society at large and will have to take the consequences.

That's why I reckon the difference between a "slut" and just another person is discretion and perception. People in general don't like stuff in their faces. We're a social animal and tend to follow the herd. People are pretty open as individuals but don't gel well with the in your face idea. It's a question of degree. Most men will not register how many men a woman has been with before. So long as its not in their face. When it is they feel uncomfortable. That's the reality. It would be great if it was different, but it's not.

Wibbs

shellyboo wrote: »

The kind of guy you want to find is someone who appreciates the fact that you're a street angel but a bedroom devil, and one who knows that a girl who enjoys sex and isn't ashamed of it is exactly the type of girl you want to have.

I agree entirely, but if you are obvious and not discreet, he will think you a street devil too. You've actually proved the point in a way. It's a question of degree really. I dont give two hoots about how many blokes a woman has been with before. I'd rether be someones last than first. I would however be less comfortable with a woman as a long term choice if she was in my face about it. I would consider her self centered if nothing else. Not socially aware. Not a good sign in a man or a woman. I would feel exactly the same about a bloke. I'd figure, ok bloke, a bit of a loose cannon socially. It feels too much like insecurity to me.

So basically - fcuk what everyone else thinks.

Grand but if you think fcuk everyone else and their thoughts, they will have a tendency to not give a damn about yours. Being secure in yourself is only the start of confidence. Being secure enough in yourself while being mindful of others at large is the further step along the road.

Terodil

shellyboo wrote: »

3 lads in two months? Yawn. There are men out there sleeping with 3 girls A WEEK, and these men are 'legends' and 'studs'.

I disagree strongly. I do not think there's anything admirable in such men, and qualifying them as 'legends' or 'studs' is a relic of very questionable quality. Especially if they are also those 'legends' that prefer not using condoms 'because it doesn't feel right'. And lastly, I would suppose that a fair number of these 'studs' are in their teens and have never even lain next to an undressed woman.

Perhaps I'm just a bit surprised at the utter lack of romanticism apparent in a significant number of the replies here. I mean... sex may be fun but... what is it without the romantic part? Aren't you numbing yourself to that if you always go directly for the ultimate fulfillment without all those lovely little extra bits that make the heart (and not just the loins) flutter?

jim o doom

Sound like a lot of very prudish people posting here from the OP's initial post, she isn't talking about riding people left right & centre every weekend, just the odd close encounter of the first kind, to deal with sexual urges. Personally I don't have any problem with that, and the only people who would, would be potential boyfriends who might feel like they didn't have as many partners as yourself & feel like they might not live up to your standards or feel inexperienced.. (it's an extreme example) ala chasing amy. My fiancee hasn't had many partners which is fine, but my previous girlfriend had a few before me, and I didn't care about that either. different strokes for different folks. I hate how it's ok for a dude to sleep around, but not for a woman. Maybe if this view was eradicated completely, there would be more people having it on & a lot less sexual frustration going around.. look how open about their sexlives the gay community tend to be!

jim o doom

Terodil wrote: »

Perhaps I'm just a bit surprised at the utter lack of romanticism apparent in a significant number of the replies here. I mean... sex may be fun but... what is it without the romantic part? Aren't you numbing yourself to that if you always go directly for the ultimate fulfillment without all those lovely little extra bits that make the heart (and not just the loins) flutter?

Yeah sex is fun, and there doesn't need to be romance initially.. the OP seems to be CURRENTLY uninterested in a romance & from the post I read she is younger & looking for information from the rest of us. Just because someone gets a little experience, doesn't mean they aren't going to fall in love & have a fulfilling love life with their partner of choice later in life. In fact I would strongly suggest sleeping around before "locking in" to a serious relationship be a great idea, for it means you have played the field some & won't resent your partner (however stupidly) because you are unable to do so in a relationship & never did before.

AngryBadger

It wouldn't be an issue for me personally, but in my experience most people can't keep their mouths shut, or their business to themselves, so my advice would be that if you want to go out and have casual sex, go for it, enjoy it, but keep it to yourself. You don't need anyone else knowing what you're up to, and it's none of their business anyway.

LegacyUser

Ok I agree with most of what has been said, and would have said the exact same thing previously.

However, since my last experience (even if it was only 3 guys in 2/3 mnths) I'm weary of the rep thing. I am probably being a coward and should definitely develop some thick skin - I agree. It's just that I'm new to the place I'm in and don't know if I'm up for having to defend myself again.

What I'm really curious about though is the discretion thing. I obviously never had any intentions, or never did, shout from the roof tops my sexual experiences but in all honesty, lads talk as much as girls.

And this is what I'm getting at - they talk to their mates, who will no doubt know someone else in another circle you've frequented etc etc. I just don't see how I can 'choose' a discreet one night stand?

Anyway, I suppose it's just dealing with and stop being so paranoid about it. In the end, looking back, the people that mattered didn't give a crap who I had been with.

oeb

It would not bother me in the slightest being in a relationship with someone who has slept around in the past. The great thing about the past is it is over and done with. When I am with someone I care about, I don't care how many people they have been with in the past, I only care that they are with me now. And I expect the same respect in return.

Any relationship is about working on the relationships future, not the individuals past.

iguana

Terodil wrote: »

So changing partners like underwear is not going to help you in that long-term-relationship area, and you may be laying the ground for trouble later. It's a difficult decision to make, but don't go the easy way of saying 'f* those who care anyway'. You may lose the most interesting people that way.

What you do when you are single has zero relation to how you will behave when you are in a relationship. And nobody has a right to judge you based on your single behaviour. By caring about what that type of person thinks you are giving their judgement credence it doesn't deserve. Treating their judgement with the contempt it deserves is the only way to show people like that, that they are foolish to make that type of judgement.

And that most certainly isn't the easy option. The vast majority of people care deeply about what other people think about them. Even if the other people are being unfair.

jessbeth

I think there is sadly still a double standard regarding this issue. If the guys do it, they're only being lads, if a girl does she's a slut.

Personally I think it should be up to the individual to make up their own minds themselves. If you are sleeping around a lot them and you're being safe and think it's fine, then that's your own business.

Personally I would never sleep around because firstly I'd be afraid of catching something and secondly because personally I believe sex should be a part of a loving committed relationship. I've been called old fashioned I wouldn't however judge somebody else if they sleep around. That would be their own choice.

I would wonder if they're going it for the right reasons. Are they really looking for love and attention in the wrong places or do they genuinely enjoy sex with lots of different partners. You decide what's right for you.

Dudess

It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it. You can be promiscuous and still have plenty of class.

If you have a lot of partners simply because you want to, I really don't see the problem with it. Sex is to be enjoyed.

Terodil

Then I think I don't understand your concept of a relationship. Isn't a relationship about loving the other person entirely, head to toe, with all strengths and weaknesses? or am I only supposed to love the 'relationship bit' of that person, and ignore the 'single bit'? I do not think that is even possible.

Plus I have a bit of difficulty merging two recurring themes here: 'you love the person you are dealing with now, past is past' and 'the past made you what you are today, you are more experienced, and better for it'. It seems slightly contradictory. On the one hand you describe past experiences as essential in developing your character, however you consider these experiences not part of who you are now?

Anyway, I think we are going a bit OT here, sorry for that OP.

stovelid

I'd wouldn't think less of a woman for 'sleeping around', and rest assured, OP, I know a good few other men who feel this way. It's worth waiting for somebody who is discreet, non-judgmental and has a adult attitude to sexuality.

Of course, if women started expecting men to be chaste, and stopped putting out on the basis of a man's sexual history, men wouldn't be interested in them for being uptight or frigid.

No-win, really.

chops1990

If woman didnt want casual sex as much as men nobody'd be gettin any. sex is sex. just have safe sex! I'm a fella, i dont get why people dont care if a fella gets loads o girls when he wants em, when a girl does it she's a slut?

Maybe its just still a taboo for girls to be promiscuis.

i dunno, im talking through my arse

Sound like a lot of very prudish people posting here from the OP's initial post, she isn't talking about riding people left right & centre every weekend, just the odd close encounter of the first kind, to deal with sexual urges.

I don't think I'm a prude, but I think 3 men in 2 or 3 months is a lot by anyone's standards. That's a man every 3-4 weeks or over 12 guys a year. If she's happy with that, brilliant, but I wouldn't go kidding myself that it was 'only' 3 blokes in 3 months, just because it isn't 4 guys a month. It's still a lot, and yes, you will get a reputation for that in any small town. It's not overly complicated - if you don't want the reputation you can a) stop sleeping with different men every few weeks or b) move to a big city where nobody cares. You're never going to control what people think and say about you, especially in a small gossipy town. Obviously in a small town people DO know each other and will talk. Is it fair? Probably not, but that's the way it works.