Monday Funnies

rferguson

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional & said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed & rubbed together, but

then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's &

put $100 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over

to the poor box. He paused for a moment & then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw

that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, &

according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon

entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have

sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins & be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate

love to me seven times.',

The priest thought long & hard & then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons

into a glass & then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, & his wife

was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open & he said, 'You're

beautiful.'

Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his

side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open & he said, 'You're

cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now

'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'



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Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, & Muldoon went to the parish priest &

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor

creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for

an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, &

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the

creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough

to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't

ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'



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Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will!'

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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, & great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two

college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of

them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'



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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel & tells the madam he would like a

young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man & asks

how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' exclaims the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor & said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting

senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you

forget to zip down.'



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Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

“Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the cupboard!' & she

pushed him into the cupboard, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious & after a search of the

bedroom discovered the man in the cupboard.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the

man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself & said, 'Those little bastards!'

Podge2k7

Loved the last one!:D

rocky25

Great collection, have um Stars

junior_apollo

1st was good but they faded as they went...

SalthillGuy

I agree, but it does brighten up a cold Monday....