Family problems involving brother

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I've been reading a lot of these threads recently and I'm hoping for some feedback on my problem. I'm a 21 year old girl in college, doing a course I enjoy. Aside from being quite lazy when it comes to coursework (although I'm trying to change as I'm in 3rd year and it's a big year), for the most part I love my life- I have a circle of close friends, I regularly socialise and I have really supportive parents. The problem is my brother.

It might start to sound a bit rambling here... He's 23 and has always been a social outcast. He repeated his leaving cert, then got into a well-regarded college course but made little or no effort at it. He signed up to repeat the year, paid for by my parents, but made even less effort at that. That was 2 years ago and since then he has done literally nothing. He has no friends and rarely leaves the house. He spends his days watching tv, surfing the internet, playing computer games and having everything done for him by mammy and daddy. He's always been incredibly shy, but the last couple of years has gotten worse. He and I no longer speak- we have no relationship at all. He spends a lot of time in his room and it got to the point where I thought why bother. It might sound selfish and uncaring of me but I have really reached the stage where I just think "If he doesn't want to change himself then he can **** off."

The reason I'm writing all this now is that I have another brother who is 24 and recently moved abroad for a year, courtesy of my parents. He was in a similar position to brother #1, but seemed to want to change. I resented my parents giving him all that money but I thought if it helped him then fair enough. My brothers never got on, with brother #1 blaming everything on the older brother. Brother #1 (we'll call him Jack) promised my parents he'd sort his life out once the elder brother moved out. This always seemed totally ridiculous and cowardly to me; you can't blame your life totally on someone else. However, now that it has actually happened, he has no more excuses, things still aren't changing. My older brother has been gone for nearly 6 weeks and Jack is still lazing around the house, wasting his life.

The part that really, really gets to me is my parents' (especially my mother's) attitude to the situation. They both act like Jack is just marvellous, and do everything for him- make his dinner every night, wash his clothes etc. It's like the sun shines out of his you-know-what. They were also totally unfair on my older brother (whom I also didn't get on with particularly well), having huge rows with him and acting like he bullied Jack (which I know he didn't). I accept that Jack has some pretty serious problems with integrating, making friends etc. I also think he is manipulative, selfish and incredibly spoiled, and shows absolutely zero desire to change. I wish my parents would get tougher on him, but they never ever do. I have tried to talk to my mother about this but she just buries her head in the sand. So I find myself making sarcastic and snide comments due to my sheer frustration about how they are handling things. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room as the three of them, when they are talking to Jack as though he is an amazing 5 year old.

It's also taking a financial toll on my parents; Jack can't even claim the dole as he's never had a job and obviously still lives at home. Even if he could, I doubt he would. I feel guilty enough taking money off them for day-to-day college needs, but at least they know I'll have a excellent shot at getting a job when I graduate. (economy worries aside!)

Any help would be hugely appreciated. I've reached the end of my patience with this whole situation- I know it's not really my problem, and most of the time I'm fine and just live my own life, but sometimes it really gets to me. And reading back over my post, It might sound like I have no sympathy for my brother. I do, but it's hard to feel for someone who has made no effort to change whatsoever.

Thanks for reading...

LegacyUser

Your brother who lives at home sounds like he suffers from a complete lack of confidence and has succumbed to the cocoon of your folks place rather than face the world.

He may seem like a coward to you but if you've ever been in that situation and have no skills or resources to get out of it, it is very tough.

He's incredibly shy. Imagine every social interaction being a mini hell. Everything is embarrassing and there's safety at home and people who you can talk open and freely with.

Imagine having no friends or social life! You see it as normal to have both - you have peers you get on with, can talk to and can confide in. He has none of this.

A social outcast? Is he a weirdo or just doesn't know how to relate to people due to his shyness?

Have you spoken to him about it? Have you asked him how he feels?

It's incredibly frustrating for both parties - he may not want to admit to his lack of confidence/shyness and when the subject is broached, he might go further into his shell. I know - I was that soldier. I had no confidence in myself. I had few friends. I got by though and I got out of the house but everything was a battle. Sitting on the bus to work I'd get embarrassed if anything happened. I'd get nervous talking to people at work.

I relished getting home to the safety of the house I shared so I could relax.

You might see him as lazy and unmotivated but maybe it's his crippling shyness holding him back. People called me lazy but I had all these dreams and ambitions and just never knew how to achieve them. "Just do it" isn't easy when you have no confidence.

Your parents may feel that by supporting him that they are helping him and to a certain extent they are. To another they are letting him continue the way he is which doesn't sound healthy.

If you want to help, you might want to sit down and talk to the guy. Why bother? em, because he's your brother and he could do with someone to talk to.

Also, you might want to open dialogue with your parents about your concerns for your brother. If your mum won't listen, maybe your dad will.

LegacyUser

yes i would agree with the poster above. He might have problems that he thinks no one else can relate to. If he has a form of social anxiety small things can be become very hard to do even ordering a meal in a restaurant or going to the barbers.
Try to get him to see a counsellor or get him to open up about problems. The more awkward/shy/diffident he is the harder it will be for him to talk about things

LegacyUser

To the OP, i understand your frustration with the situation but having suffered with Social Anxiety and feeling like no one else can comprehend how i feel on a daily basis i reckon your brother is feeling along the same lines as how i was in my early 20's.

I might be wrong and he may just lack confidence but something deep rooted is causing him to lock himself away and while i understand that it seems like hes making no effort i would try to talk to him or get him some professional help to try to get to the root of the problem.

He needs encouragement to open up, please don't make snide remarks and get in a strop over the situation. It does nobody any good and think about this, if you had to live his life for one week how would you feel at the end of the week. Hes in a mental prison. I'll bet he would give anything be comfortable in social situations the same way you are and to be living a normal life. Blokes find it very difficult to open up and he needs a gentle push and encouragement to start making some inroads into his situation.

If you feel strongly about how he is living his life, get him the help he needs. Hes probably very fragile at the moment so don't take your frustrations out on him if he doesn't initially respond with enthusiasm to any of your suggestions, just keep encouraging him and get your parents to start being proactive about the situation instead of helping him to build a wall around himself.

LegacyUser

OP another factor is that he might be getting bulllied. If youngsters see him on his own around the town they might think he is a loner and give him a hard time. I know you said he never leaves the house but maybe this is the reason.

It will be harder for him to open up to you his younger sister perhaps you could arrange counselling. Keep to nagging him until he tries at least 1 or 2 sessions. Tewll him if he doesnt get help now things will be worse for him in years to come.

Let us know how you got on.

pseudonym1

This is not dissimiliar to my situation. My brother does the same add in rudeness disrespect gambling smoking and vile habits. Unfortunately my Dad has passed away so my Mum who works full time (why he stays at home in bed) doesnt have the support or will to do anything about it. It is heart breaking I have tried to do everything in my power to help. but TBH in my case its a lost cause. It occured to me that he may be even suicidial but dont think so. He is just taking the piss and I dont believe will change.

I have detached myself emotionally as much as possible - we were once very close but we have both become adults and not the people we once were. I am still close to my Mum and have offered to pay for professional help for both or either. Truth is cant help those who dont want it!

I seriously empathize with your situation and hope he is not as far gone as my brother but if I were you get as far away from it as possible - emotionally and physically.
Sorry:(

Antilles

OP, whatever the root cause of your brother's personality was, he is not going to get better, or look for support elsewhere as long as your parents are enabling him. He lives his life without ever facing a challenge, and as such just continues on the way he is. Why would he change? He might not like his life (or maybe he does, you couldn't know), but he is coasting by without any effort on his part and so he doesn't even try anymore.

If you can't convince your parents that their behavior is destroying your brother, then I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. When your parents are gone he will have nobody to look after him, but by that stage he could be a fifty year old unemployed man with no work or life experience and no ability to cope in the real world. Their behavour is extremely irresponsible but unfortunately without convincing them to change there is absolutely nothing you can do.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys, it's good getting feedback about the situation. Sometimes you just need an outsider's point of view.

Some people have suggested trying to get him to go to counselling; unfortunately my family and I have been down that road before. A year or two ago we all (except Jack) agreed to talk to a counsellor separately and give her our point of view, as the situation at home was so strained. I really didn't want to do this but I went, in the vain hope it might help. My parents BEGGED jack to go; he just point blank refused. They tried for weeks and weeks, to no avail. This is what I mean about you know you shouldn't get pissed off but you just can't help it- he is so uncooperative and selfish. Another time they organised a surprise trip to London with them, he refused to go because he said he 'should have been consulted first'. I mean wtf?? I know in my heart that it's not just the shyness/social anxiety problem- my parents have spoiled him for so long that he's just getting worse and worse. He never even has the decency to say please or thank you when dinner is put in front of him.

I'm getting annoyed again just writing this so gonna stop now. Someone said I need to put myself first and emotionally and physically detach myself from the situation- I think that's what I'm going to have to do, for a while at least.

cafecolour

First, I'd say you sound a bit jealous - ie you've worked hard and made your way and yet your parents give him everything (and presumably don't show enough appreciation for you). That's obviously a tale as old as time (see the Prodigal Son story in bible for one, though amusingly, these days, it's the dutiful son who goes out in the world and the prodigal one that stays home). You need to get past that (with counseling if need be), to built your own self-esteem and not be so focused on him.

As to your brother, yes he has it cushy (so why leave) and yes he has no confidence - which your parents know so they are doting on him to try and build it up. Of course, after like the age of 12, especially for someone with low self-esteem, your parents telling you how great you are is likely just going to make it worse - it's your parents, they're obviously just saying that.

Your brother def needs counseling and possibly anti-anxiety meds. He probably has half the 'I can handle this myself' mentality, and half too embarassed to go, especially as his parents and sister are telling him to go.

Your parents might be able to force him (ie take away the video games etc. unless he goes), but I don't know how much good it will do. I'd suggest they go to counseling, don't try and get him to go, but someone to help them deal with approaches to deal with him.

You have two options, depending on the energy you want to invest. The first, and easiest, is basically to distance yourself. Don't get involved in the whole thing anymore, focus on your own life, and if he comes crying to you for a place to stay in a few years when your parents finally toss him out, say sorry.

The second, and harder, is to become his confidant, and try and help him. For this, you've got to get rid of all the judgement you have at the moment. Absolutely no nagging, no guilting 'you're driving our parents broke, etc.', no 'you need to move out, get a life, etc.' Down the line, you might be permitted something like 'I know you don't think much of them, but counseling and anti-anxiety drugs might do a world of good. I can help you look for someone without telling our parents.' But this is after you have decent rapport.

To build this, just start talking/hanging with him on a casual level. Express interest in the computer games he's playing. Dragging him out to a movie he'd be into (ideally one both would be, of course), just the two of you at first, that's pretty safe, and he'd prob be happy to have someone to go with. Soon introduce him to any friends you have that might have similar interests (don't make it obvious you're doing it to introduce him of course). Heck, bring him to a boards beers if there is one nearby. Computer game playing 'social outcast' layabouts who live at home are not nearly as uncommon as you may think these days

Anyway, the point is to build his social confidence, and that will get the ball going. The key is, of course, to be subtle about it, and never do any sort of nagging/yelling at him - that will totally put you back to square one.

To add: These are not either/or. You can distance yourself a bit, but when you go home, start with grabbing a movie with him or something no threatening - that's probably your best bet, if you make it your top priority, you'll just get quickly frustrated.

Bottle_of_Smoke

God I know that parents burying their heads in the sand feeling all too well. OP, there's nothing you can do, really nothing. Your brother is resentful & using defence mechanisms, you will NOT get through to him. It's possible he sees things from your point of view but is content in twisted way basking in resent & self pity. It will cause you huge stress even thinking about it.

If the situation was as bad as yours I'd try and force your parents into acknowledging the situation is not on. Never underestimate the power of denial though. It's your brother's life, he'll have to sort himself out. Don't let him drag you down with him.

LegacyUser

Did you try showing him this thread?

If he doesnt go for counselling he will regret it in years to come. Their is nothing a counsellor hasnt heard before or worse. Would the counsellor visit him(but not with out consulting your brother first)? Or at least phone him?

Show him this thread as a lost resort and tell him your exhausted trying to help him if he wont help himself there is nothing else you can do