A reason for cheating on husband?

LegacyUser

Hi

Between 6 and 8 years ago I cheated on my husband repeatedly with 5 different men. We had only been married a shoet time at that stage and we were quite young. I have not cheated on my husband since 2002, but I now often think about what happened at that time. I love my husband, but wonder if there is some deep rooted problem in our relationship that I am refusing to accept that has caused me to cheat on him so many times?

cantdecide

How young were you at the time?

My personal experience is that a considerable proportion of my female friends cheated repeatedly until their mid twenties and kind of grew out of it. (The blokes are not exempt- though it happened less and those that did are just as likely to continue becasue it's just their nature- I'm not trying to start a side debate, btw)

Why ask now- has something changed? Have you been willingly faithful since or do you feel that you're becoming more open to the thought of cheating??

[Jackass]

The sad truth is that of all the people in long term relationships, married, engaged and otherwise, men and women, at least half have cheated at a very late stage in their relationship.

Fu*k it, I know a girl who's going out with her boyfirend for about 5 years, slept with a guy on a few occasions sober etc. only about 3 or 4 months ago and is now engaged to be married.

It's messed up but happens all the time.

I would say you might have just been young and stupid. If you're happy now then just forget about it and move on.

LegacyUser

Hi

Yeah I was young when I cheated on my husband, 23 at the time. I am happy now but I sometimes feel that there must have been something more to it and even now sometimes look at other men...My husband is the most generous and caring man I have ever met and that is why I feel so bad

marti101

What was happening in your life at that time.If it was something stressful like getting married and the shock kicks in.That you will be with this person for ever.Are you trying to get out of the marriage now by bringing this up maybe hubby will twig what you did and leave you.Are you worried that you are feeling trapped and the old feeling have resurfaced.That you might cheat again,at least this time you have recognised the feeling.So now do something about it,how bout counselling get someone elses take on it and see how you feel then.

metrovelvet

Why did the man climb the mountain? ... because it was there.

Overheal

I would reccomend scheduling an hour or two with a counselor OP. They have a way of helping you answer your own questions thats impeccable. I spent 2 hours with one after a particularly confusing relationship and it helped a lot.

TheZohanS

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

Between 6 and 8 years ago I cheated on my husband repeatedly with 5 different men. We had only been married a shoet time at that stage and we were quite young. I have not cheated on my husband since 2002, but I now often think about what happened at that time. I love my husband, but wonder if there is some deep rooted problem in our relationship that I am refusing to accept that has caused me to cheat on him so many times?

Maybe you were just very very very insecure.

Like you said it's been 6 years since you last cheated, move on.

Carrigart Exile

why no 'once a cheater always a cheater' comments?

OP why do you suddenly doubt yourself now?

marti101

Maybe shes getting itchy feet again.

LegacyUser

Im not getting itchy feet or anything like that but I am afraid that it could happpen again even though I dont want it to. Its just that I feel very guilty about what happened and even though its 6 years ago I dont understand why I behaved so badly. I would never want my husband to leave me but if he knew the truth I think that he probably wouldnt leave me but would be very disappointed by my behaviour which is worse.

The Sweeper

Go talk to someone, because you don't get to say "It might happen again even though I don't want it to". Because frankly, if you don't want it to happen, then it won't happen. If you don't want to have a one night stand, then don't have one. If you don't want to have an affair, then don't have one.

Take responsibility for your own actions. Say "I'm worried I might cheat again because I haven't addressed the issues that make me cheat, and if my husband goes through a bad patch and isn't as attentive as I feel he should be, I may look for solace somewhere else and that will be entirely my own fault because it's my own decision to do it."

There is no such thing as passive cheating. And there is always, always a reason - and that reason is rarely "Just because you're a skanky ho". Identify the reason, and then see if you can deal with it. Until you do that, you're just an infidelity timebomb.

Dob74

Cheating with five different men is alot. You must have gone out your way to do so. Did you just want to play the field or was it revenge? It shows a lack of respect to do it that often. At least you have not done it since. 6 years is along time so maybe you should let sleeping dogs lie.

marti101

I think something has happened maybe the same thing that happened the first time she cheated.Also 5 men is a lot its not as if you made one mistake and learned from it.If this was your oh and he cheated 5 times would you stick around.I dont know what advice to give other than talk to someone neutral face to face and admit it the next time you do it you might get caught.

LegacyUser

When I said 5 different men I should add that I didnt sleep with all of them although I must admit I did sleep with 3 of them. It started out that I cheated with one man with whom I had developed a friendship. Afterwards we didnt really talk about what had happened those few times and drifted apart even though we still met each other out socialising regularly. I had actually developed some feelings for him. I think I started flirting with other men to make him jealous. I didnt even think about my husband at the time to be honest, but now no-one is more important to me than my husband and if he cheated on me the way I did on him I would be devestated.

Carrigart Exile

Unregistered wrote: »

Im not getting itchy feet or anything like that but I am afraid that it could happpen again even though I dont want it to. Its just that I feel very guilty about what happened and even though its 6 years ago I dont understand why I behaved so badly. I would never want my husband to leave me but if he knew the truth I think that he probably wouldnt leave me but would be very disappointed by my behaviour which is worse.

OP maybe I am being harsh here, but it sounds to me like you want a reason to justify cheating back then and any future cheating you may get up to.

marti101

I agree shes looking to justify her cheating so if she does cheat again she has a reason.I think she should look at the reason.Otherwise she will cheat again .and as i said why she cheated address those issues so it doesnt happen again

Dob74

Unregistered wrote: »

When I said 5 different men I should add that I didnt sleep with all of them although I must admit I did sleep with 3 of them. It started out that I cheated with one man with whom I had developed a friendship. Afterwards we didnt really talk about what had happened those few times and drifted apart even though we still met each other out socialising regularly. I had actually developed some feelings for him. I think I started flirting with other men to make him jealous. I didnt even think about my husband at the time to be honest, but now no-one is more important to me than my husband and if he cheated on me the way I did on him I would be devestated.

It maybe devestating if your husband cheats on you but it would be understandable. It is important that you don't put yourself in a situation where you a position to cheat. If you have friends who are a bad influence stay away from them. It is difficult to stop doing something when you are in a one on one position with someone else. Avoid such situations if you want to stay a married woman. Don't go out and get pissed, score with someone. Than blame drinking later.

Wibbs

I would say you love your husband as a husband, provider of emotional support and as a future, hence the idea of him cheating fills you with dread. but I would also say you're not that sexually attracted to him. You may equate sexual attraction with risk, or simply the guys on the side are physically more attractive men, but you wouldn't stay with any of them. Are the guys you cheat with better looking, more sexual than your husband? Are they more "dangerous"?

As others reckon, you need to see what the reasons are behind this. It doesn't just happen. You make the choice and it is a choice. Your heart is with your husband, between your ears is with your husband, but between your legs looks elsewhere. That would be my take on it.

partyguinness

IMO i think think the OP is emotionally immature and should do the honourable thing and get out of the relationship and sort herself out...as you are not ready for a lasting emotional and deep relationship with another human being..maybe you will be in time..but get some help..imo you are a dispicable person and you do not deserve your husband

She says that she is afraid she will do it again...come on..pull the other one...:eek::eek: has she no self control??? clearly not..

Peewee_lane

It takes two to work on a relationship and stick to it. There will always be temptation wherever you go.

I think you have some emotional issues that are effecting you and others around you. The first step is to admit you have a problem, done in your first post, the second is to go and speak to a counsellor about it, no big deal, have a chat with a professional about your fears.

Hope it helps OP.

bon ami

If you cheated repeatedly with 5 men so early in your marriage and you are afraid you might do it again - you obviously made a mistake in getting married. You are being grossly unfair to your husband. Do the honorable thing get out before you cause him any further pain and hurt

LegacyUser

As Wibbs said I do love my husband very much. It is not an issue of self-control at the present time although I clearly lacked self-control in the past. But I think it is difficult for anyone in any relationship to say it will never happen. It happens in even the strongest marriages.

I do think that Wibbs may be correct in saying that I felt much more sexually attracted to the other men (the first one in particular) than I do towards my husband. I would love to feel differently but I am sexually attraced to my husband and want to make our marriage work despite the mistakes in the past.

LegacyUser

Its a sad situation if you carry a secret like that for so long. What do you do if you admit that you are or were much more sexually attracted to a man who is not your husband? You say that you love your husband and dont want to lose him. Is what you have enough or, give that you have cheated so mant times in the past, do you need more or is there ever such a thing as a perfect relationship????

Sprouts

Oh my god, this could destroy your husband, I don't know what id feel if I found out if I were him, probably nothing, it would be such a hammer blow that I would never be the same. Please consider what you are doing. Life so horrible at times.