Don't want hubby!

LegacyUser

When I first met my husband we had a great relationship. We were very close, always laughed and joked together and had the most amazing sex life. I was so happy but things have changed over the years and I think I might hate him.

About 3 years ago, he beat me after an argument.
I don't think I would ever forget that night. He punched me full force in the face a couple of times, threw me on the floor and tried to strangle me.
I was so afraid, I honestly thought I was going to die.

Like a fool, I accepted his apology and tried to put it behind me but then he did it again about a year ago. Although we are still together, I have lost all those nice feelings for him.

I know he loves me and would do anything for me but when he touches me sexually, I cringe. I sometimes look at him and think "why am I still with him?" There is a list of things that annoy me about him.

I have thought about kicking him out but hate the idea of him meeting someone else.
When we are having sex, I close my eyes and pretend I'm having sex with someone else.

I don't know what to do...Do I hate him or do I just resent what he has done to me?

[Jackass]

I think you have issues with how he has abused you and in your mind sex is being blurred into a physical violation rather than "making love".

This may be because of the physical contact you associate with what happened before, so needless to say this would repulse you.

I don't think you hate him, but I would say you have fairly deep emotional scars from what happened. Someone you love and trust so much could do something like that to you, then the intimate side of sex is very difficult to let down your wall of defence.

Do you think he could do this again? If so, then the least of your worries should be him meeting somebody else. But what would be so bad about giving yourself a chance to meet somebody who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I don't think anybody who could do that to their wife / girlfriend could truly love and respect them.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think this is something you may need to talk to him about. People can tend to brush things under the carpet and try and forget about them or not talk about them and in my opionin this means that something will never become resolved and are liable to happen again if there are no concequences or ratifications made.

I think relationship counciling could be the answer, but I think you need to face him and tell him what happened is really haunting you in your mind and you've built up issues of resentment and think these need to be addressed.

If he's not a coward and if he has any honour he will recognise what he did was grossly wrong and he needs to face up to it and take responsability and help you address these issues and work past them.

If he wont then how can you ever be happy or move past it in the relationship? You would be better off without him and you should never have fear or be uncertain about if it could happen again.

Do you have children? What age are you also and how long have you been married? (if you don't want to give to much detail that's fair enough, but it may help people when suggesting advice / resolutions for you).

cantdecide

[Jackass] wrote: »

I think relationship counciling could be the answer, but I think you need to face him and tell him what happened is really haunting you in your mind and you've built up issues of resentment and think these need to be addressed

I leaned this way, too

Does he have any idea how badly you've been affected by it? What would he think if he realised the extent of the damage he's done? You alone probably need to speak to someone. Is it possible that you are having non-specific post traumatic issues??

If he isn't a complete ogre and he's ashamed of his actions, he has agree to start a process with you. If he doesn't, maybe that tells it's own story...

Zillah

Unregistered wrote: »

About 3 years ago, he beat me after an argument.
I don't think I would ever forget that night. He punched me full force in the face a couple of times, threw me on the floor and tried to strangle me.
I was so afraid, I honestly thought I was going to die.

Jesus Christ get rid of him right now. You are insane to even consider staying. Yes maybe you hate him, maybe you don't, it doesn't matter. Get rid of him and you can sort out your feelings later.

Antilles

DTMFA.

Get rid of him, now. Physical assault is NEVER acceptable, and this wasn't even mild assult, it was a brutal beating. Someone who is capable of that is not going to change. He might hate himself for it, and might regret it afterwards, but that capacity will always be inside him. Now, with you, a line has been crossed. Previously, attacking you was something he had never done, in future he would only be doing it <i>again</i>.

Get out of there, OP. It doesn't matter how you feel about him, or how much he regrets what he did (and he almost certainly regrets it), if you stay with him, he <i>will</i> do it again, and you might not come out of it as lucky.

MsFifers

I don't want to frighten you, but if he has seriously assaulted you twice, he will do it again - and next time you might not be so lucky to survive. He tried to strangle you - I'm not sure you are even acknowledging to yourself how serious that was.

You have tried to forgive him twice - that doesn't make you a fool, just shows that you are a person with a huge heart. But by doing that, you have in a way given him permission to do it again.

I think that the reason you can't bear him near you now, is that deep down you know you don't forgive him, and you have enough respect for yourself to know that it wasn't right what he did.

I would suggest you talk to Women's Aid. http://www.womensaid.ie/ There is a lot going on in your head - they know what it is like and how hard it is to move on from a relationship like yours.

cantdecide

+1

With your beige trousers on, you would leave him straight away. In reality, it's probably not that simple. If your husband loves you, he will go and find out why he allowed himself to do it and do something about it before he does it again. If he won't and believes it to be acceptible, the ball is in your court

cute_cow

Unregistered wrote: »

I was so afraid, I honestly thought I was going to die.

I think thats your answer, do you wanna stay with him becasue you don't like the thoughts of him being with someone else? Or do you wanna stay with him and maybe some day he won't stop and you'll lose your life?

Get out now.

No one deserves this treatment. If he did it once, he will and did do it a second time, and he may do it again, don't hang around to find out.

Toots

For your own sake I'd advise you to leave now. I know you love him, and it'll be hard, but he's already seriously physically assaulted you twice, and chances are it will happen again. As MsFifers said, talk to WomensAid, they'll be able to give you advice and support. Good luck and take care.

Dave!

1. Go here www.womensaid.ie
2. Make a plan (e.g., make sure you can stay with a friend, family)
3. When he's in work, go to the house with a male friend or two in case he returns -- and pack your stuff
4. Get the hell out of there

No excuse for hitting you unless you were attacking him

480905

Hi,
wife beaters blame the wives for all the beatings they give....I hit you cos i love you so much etc etc. Its your fault I hit you because you made me feel jealous or envious or whatever angle they come from. You're in a downward spiral and it will only get worse.

TheZohanS

Leave.

He will do it again.

Next time you might not be so lucky.

A real man would never hit a woman.

star-pants

Once is unacceptable
Twice is ridiculous

I understand it must be so hard for you in this situation, being scared but not wanting to lose him. But think about it, if he cared he wouldn't have done those things unprovoked - and you obviously don't care about him that way anymore. You can't stand him touching you or making love - that's no relationship. That's you staying because you're scared. I suggest what others have suggested, womens aid and moving out to a friends when he's at work. This isn't just a 'oh he slapped me across the face in the heat of an arguement' (which isn't excusable either) but he punched you many times in the face, threw you down and tried to strangle you?? that's not heat of the moment accident.

You no longer feel for him as you once did, he clearly has no respect for you.
Get yourself out, and see a counsellor too, as you must have some mental scars from this whole situation. good luck x

LegacyUser

I left my husband after years of mental torture with the help of alcohol, you have described how I felt when I made my decision to leave.
I lost all feelings for him, I was not attracted to him anymore but I realised we could never remain as man and wife again after the last time we had sex. I cried when he was finished, I just lay there and took it for his sake, it was like some stranger had interfered with me, it never happened again!
Told him the next day we were finished. His years of mental abuse had worn me down and I grew to hate him.
But I never cared if he went off to meet anyone else, they were welcome to him as far as I was concerned.

I deserve better than that and so do you.