Help me get my girlfriend back!

LegacyUser

I'll try keep this short.

Mid to late 20's.
Going out 2.5 years.

I'd always said it was temporary until I go away to foreign parts,
or she travels.

Stupid me never paid her enough compliments/affection, not verbally anyway.
We would break up every six month, mostly my fault, sometimes hers.
Otherwise it was great.

She broke up with me 5 weeks ago. I didn't speak to her for a month (she'd said she "didn't want to break up" and that she "loved me" then proceeded to break up with me that night - I know, I should have read the signs, but I missed them)

Then I met her one evening, had coffee - almost broke down.
Then I met her out with mutual friends - properly broke down.

We meet often, same friends.

Thing is: Now I realise that she's worth changing my life plans for.
I know what your thinking, that I'm just hurting and want her back.
But she's perfect, or as close as be damned.

We both like the same stuff - travelling, food, theatre.
She's intelligent.
She'd a nerd.
She's hot.

Problem is that she
(a) doesn't believe me when I said I was in love with her and wanted to change my plans and be with her.
(b) she has a lack of confidence which means that even if she wanted to get back together, that she'd already decided break up, and therefore feel bitter for giving in.

I need to be able to convince her that a future with her is what I want, but more importantly that it's substantially different from the prospect of simply getting back together for 6 months until we fight again.

Every "get her back" website says don't contact her. But I don't think that will work with her. Obviously pouring my heart out to her every time we meet won't either.

I want her in my life forever

Ideas anyone? (especially girls, or experienced guys)

LolaDub

Start changing your life for her as a friend. If she sees you are doing what you promised and its not just words she might realise you mean it. Be prepared that it might not happen. She might have already moved on or may have different reasons to what she told you for wanting to break up.

Overheal

.................propose?

LegacyUser

LolaDub wrote: »

Start changing your life for her as a friend. If she sees you are doing what you promised and its not just words she might realise you mean it. Be prepared that it might not happen. She might have already moved on or may have different reasons to what she told you for wanting to break up.

Sounds like a start.
I accept the warning that this may all be in vain - but I have to try.

Thank you!

Overheal wrote:

.................propose?

Crossed my mind - but an ex of her's (much worse than me) already tried that, so I don't think it'll work - at least not so blatently.

Gyalist

Many years ago, a much older relative once told me that "the next pussy is the best pussy". Turns out that even though the sentiments were crudely expressed, he was 100% correct.

Don't change your plans or try to get her to change her mind. Go on your travels. You do not know what new experiences are ahead. Go and have a great time. She'll hear about it through your mutual friends and may decide to come back but by then the likelihood is that you would have met someone else and realised that she wasn't that special anyway.

We would break up every six month, mostly my fault, sometimes hers.

Hardly seems like the basis for a successful relationship.

Wibbs

Unit113 wrote: »

I'd always said it was temporary until I go away to foreign parts,
or she travels.

Why? sounds like insecurity to me.

Stupid me never paid her enough compliments/affection, not verbally anyway.

Not good. Actions speak louder than words, but all too often people hear the words and not the actions.

We would break up every six month, mostly my fault, sometimes hers.
Otherwise it was great.

Breaking up every six months is not an "otherwise it's great" relationship. It really isn't.

She broke up with me 5 weeks ago. I didn't speak to her for a month (she'd said she "didn't want to break up" and that she "loved me" then proceeded to break up with me that night - I know, I should have read the signs, but I missed them)

Men more than women usually do. Also a classic example of actions not reflecting words.

Then I met her one evening, had coffee - almost broke down.
Then I met her out with mutual friends - properly broke down.

Which was the very worst thing you could have done. For two reasons. 1, women, regardless of what they may say, see emotional incontinence in a man as a turn off. At best it's neutral. It's never attractive. A man showing emotion in a proper context is a different thing entirely and 2, she got a nice ego boost with seeing you like that after you not giving her attention in the relationship. Both bad.

We meet often, same friends.

Start to actively change that and soon. You may start to look like a spare leg and worse if you see her go off with another man and you have a breakdown episode.

Thing is: Now I realise that she's worth changing my life plans for.
I know what your thinking, that I'm just hurting and want her back.
But she's perfect, or as close as be damned.

OK

We both like the same stuff - travelling, food, theatre.
She's intelligent.
She'd a nerd.
She's hot.

Cool. Pity you missed this first time around due IMHO to your insecurity. If I was you, I would also ask myself is it insecurity that is clinging to her even now as you see her walk away.

Problem is that she
(a) doesn't believe me when I said I was in love with her and wanted to change my plans and be with her.

I wouldn't have believed you either, from how you describe things. You were thinking of the end before you even got going.

(b) she has a lack of confidence which means that even if she wanted to get back together, that she'd already decided break up, and therefore feel bitter for giving in.

Honestly, the technical term for that is bohohollex. I've heard it before, but it's almost always crap. On a very basic level, she left you because emotionally leaving you had a better payoff than staying with you. It's pretty much as simple as that.

Think of this in really broad terms like a balance sheet in a two person partnership(analogy alert!:). A balance sheet of emotion as it were. When you were together and it was going well, the balance sheet was in the black with good emotions. Yes you had problems but those bad emotions were less than the good. Over time if those bad emotions are not resolved, then the relationship goes into the red for one of the partners. At which point folding the partnership is emotionally a better bet.

Now the partnership is gone. Kaput. To get that emotional balance sheet back into the black is difficult. Much easier to start up a new partnership. To try to get the old one back you need to do a good emotion injection. You breaking down puts it more in the red. You telling her what you would do is putting it into the red too, basically because you're are telling her you'll only respond when it hurts you. Telling her "but I love you" really puts it in the red, because you're actually saying your emotions and how you feel is worth more than hers.

I need to be able to convince her that a future with her is what I want,

You can't. At least you can't by telling her. You have to show her. Now this would be a damn sight easier if you were still together, but if you want to try then you have to do a few things.

1. Accept it's over.
2. Let her know that and wish her well
3. Agree with her decision that she was right to leave
4. Tell her you would prefer to be with her and work on a real future, but then refer to 3.
5. Back off. Ease up contact. Don't break it entirely.
6. When you meet, be upbeat. fake it if you have to.
7. Do not bring up the past. If she does, say whats done is done. I regret it but I want to move on from that. Go back to 6.
8. further to number 1 actually move on. Go out with other mates. Flirt, chat up meet other women. Don't rebound. Not fair on the next woman.
9. Most important of all, look at yourself and your life. Figure out what you want out of life(ignore the ex for the moment). When you've figured it out then look for it, work towards it.

You do that little lot and you'll be a better man. You will get you back. You may get her back, but if you don't you'll have a better relationship with someone else down the line. Indeed you may find when you do examine your life that she was only right for the old you.

but more importantly that it's substantially different from the prospect of simply getting back together for 6 months until we fight again.

The you both have to change. Many will say it's your fault, but it always takes two to tango. Always.

Every "get her back" website says don't contact her. But I don't think that will work with her. Obviously pouring my heart out to her every time we meet won't either.

No it won't it will rive her further and further away. guaranteed. As for get her back websites not contacting her is playing games, if it's only as a tactic to getting back with her. It's assuming that your absence will trigger loss in her her and over power her memories of why she left. It might, but even if it does, you will be back her in 6 months if you don't change. If you dont look at the tactic of knowing, exploring and getting back to a healthier you then it's not worth a damn and a healthy relationship based on that is only likely to work when Satan finds he has to skate to work in the morning.

Wibbs

Overheal wrote: »

.................propose?

Do not do this or anything else "dramatic". You're not 13yr old girl. Mad romantic actions only work in dodgy romcom movies with julia roberts. In real life it will make it worse. Desperate measures(which it is) will make you look weak and foolish. It makes you again look like your emotions are worth more than hers. It's all about how you feel and the panic of loss for you, not what's good for her. She's leaving you for those precise reasons and shes bored with those reasons. She's bored of the person she thinks of when she thinks of you, so don't make her really run away.

LegacyUser

@ Wibbs: Many thanks for the post. It's harsh, true in many parts, not so in others (considering you only have a short version of half the story that's pretty good).

ChickCool

if u propose shell leg it unless shes a few screws loose herself

anonymous_joe

Don't rely on her.

It's all too easy to see how great things are afterwards. You've made some bad mistakes, and all I can say is remain calm. If she doesn't believe you, there's only so much you can do.

Be patient, and just hope for the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the opinions folks.

I've got a lot to consider.

Unit 113