Judged on past

LegacyUser

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man. we slept together after our 2nd date and things have progressed since then. unfortunately i am very honest and when he asked me had i slept with anyone so quickly before i said yes. he changed immediately. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past. i dont understand. is my past that bad? is what i have done so unusual. most of my friends have had lots of partners. Am i doomed to being alone now because of my past?should i lie in future?

Beruthiel

He is a judgemental hypocrite, why waste your time on him?

chickenhawk

35 and with eight partners is nothing. It's him who has the problem so forget about him.

If a girl slept with me on the first or second date and said she doesn't do this regularly then I wouldn't believe her (but I also wouldn't care if I liked her). So I thought your honesty was good.

He is just been an idiot. Better to find out now then later.

AngryBadger

Beruthiel wrote: »

He is a judgemental hypocrite, why waste your time on him?

+1

LegacyUser

Look this guy is clearly insecure and arrogant.

He jumps into bed with you on a 2nd date and then is surprised that you're not a 35 year old virgin?

Ah for ****s sake!

You cant change the past, please don't feel ashamed of it. His problem is his not yours.

I would say to him "I'm sorry you feel you can't love me now but I can't change the past" and let him go!

goodlad

To be honest you shouldnt feel the need to lie to a guy your seeing.
He shouldnt of asked the question if he cant deal with the answer.

And i wouldn't take him too seriously when he says "he wants to love you but cant live with your past".

If knowing a girl your seeing has previously slept with 8 guys makes you unable to love them, then its him that has the problem and should be posting in PI for advice on how to stop being a fool.

Dont let HIS insecurities make you feel you need to lie in the future to a partner. After all, telling lies at the beginning is no way to setup for a possible relationship.

My opinion : Dont get annoyed over a fool. Find another guy.

djkeogh

That's a poor show alright. Sounds like he's expecting a 35 year old virgin. If he's going to get hung up on the fact you have had a sex life prior to his arrival on the scene I think you'll be better off without him. And no your past is not bad. It's perfectly normal. How many partners has he had. Be interesting to see if he'd cast his accusing eye on himself.

Aloysius Flyte

8 partners is nothing. Less than your fingers and toes I think is ok

Sounds like he's a bit of an ass, who is looking for an pure virgin.

How many partners has he had? And what has your past got to do with the person you are now?

Pete4779

citygirl123 wrote: »

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man. we slept together after our 2nd date and things have progressed since then. unfortunately i am very honest and when he asked me had i slept with anyone so quickly before i said yes. he changed immediately. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past. i dont understand. is my past that bad? is what i have done so unusual. most of my friends have had lots of partners. Am i doomed to being alone now because of my past?should i lie in future?

If you want the relationship to work, don't be honest. It's not the best policy. Think of it like this: a guy wants to ask a girl out, so he says to her: will you go out with me, i have nothing planned this weekend, and if i am out it usually involves drinking until 2am then going alone. The girl will say no, for sure. However, if he casually virtually ignores her, even if he likes her, and makes out like he is a millionaire and is a stud, she will go for him, even though he's being totally fake and lying about things.

Likewise, for women to maintain the man in the relationship, she needs to feed into his fantasy, which is that you are untouched and pure and virginal but also absolutely savage in the sack. No man really likes a whore, in the same way that women don't like a guy that isn't screwing loads of women already.

BTW, 8 is totally normal. He doesn't need to know that though, and while he as a man will pretend to be things to keep the woman, the woman needs also to do things to keep the man. Do not, under any circumstances, be honest. He is not you or your family. What will it gain you if he loses attraction for you and breaks it off? Therefore: do what is needed to get what you want the end result to be.

Also, I have a Lamborghini.

shellyboo

citygirl123 wrote: »

. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past.

He can't live with the fact that you have had a measly 8 partners? And you're 35?

If it makes you feel any better, I'm 25, and I've have over twice as many partners as that - but you shouldn't feel bad in the first place. 8 is not a huge, whorish number; and even if you DID have a huge number of previous partners, it's none of his business and it has no bearing whatsoever on your relationship with your new partner.

So what's his problem? He could be insecure - worried that previous partners were better than him. This is fixable.

Unfortunately, he could also be one of these narrow-minded idiots who think a girl who enjoys sex and isn't ashamed of that or how many partners she's had is somehow inferior to those who practice near celibacy in order to preserve some kind of faux innocence or quality, or at the very least pretend to do that. If he's one of those, then there's very little you can do.

You are not less of a person, or less worthy of being loved, because of the number of sexual partners you've had. Sex is not bad and dirty and a sin and it doesn't mean you are bad or dirty or sinful. If he's too stupid to realise this, then I think you need to go out and find partner number 10.

vandermeyde

I always find it strange that the very people who feel the need to quiz a partner about their past sexual exploits are the very people who can't handle the answers when they get them.

He's a fool OP and I wouldn't waste my time with someone so riddled with insecurity.

Sugar Drunk

he is a hypocrite. he was happy to go to bed with you on the second date but judges you because you have done the same before? Doesnt the fact that he did it imply that its not the first time either?
Your 35 having had 8 partners is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Did you quiz him about his own sexual history since he seems so judgemental about yours?

LegacyUser

At 35 he should be old enough to know not to ask.

You're 35. So if you've been having sex since you were 18 that's less than one encounter every two years and in my book I'd be happy with that.

Not that I would ask anyway.

I asked once, when I was 25 and it ate me up for ages. Never again.

Beruthiel

Pete4779 wrote: »

If you want the relationship to work, don't be honest. It's not the best policy. Think of it like this: a guy wants to ask a girl out, so he says to her: will you go out with me, i have nothing planned this weekend, and if i am out it usually involves drinking until 2am then going alone. The girl will say no, for sure. However, if he casually virtually ignores her, even if he likes her, and makes out like he is a millionaire and is a stud, she will go for him, even though he's being totally fake and lying about things.

Likewise, for women to maintain the man in the relationship, she needs to feed into his fantasy, which is that you are untouched and pure and virginal but also absolutely savage in the sack. No man really likes a whore, in the same way that women don't like a guy that isn't screwing loads of women already.

Tarring everyone with the same brush is frowned upon in this forum.
B

Zulu

He could be using this as an excuse to break up with you because he's a cowardly plank.
That, or he's an ignorant hyprocate, with insecurity issues.

Eitherway, why would you bother?
I know searching is a pain in the arse, but, seriously, you can do a LOT better.

Move along, nothing to see here....

The Corinthian

citygirl123 wrote: »

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man. we slept together after our 2nd date and things have progressed since then. unfortunately i am very honest and when he asked me had i slept with anyone so quickly before i said yes. he changed immediately. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past. i dont understand. is my past that bad? is what i have done so unusual. most of my friends have had lots of partners. Am i doomed to being alone now because of my past?should i lie in future?

For the love of God, get rid of this guy. If he is already setting unrealistic expectations (eight partners at age 35 is not a lot), can you imagine what other unrealistic expectations he's going to have in the future.

Out of interest, why is he your 'ideal' man?

Don't lie in future. Consider the truth a looney filter.

Katgurl

Pete4779 wrote: »

If you want the relationship to work, don't be honest. It's not the best policy. Think of it like this: a guy wants to ask a girl out, so he says to her: will you go out with me, i have nothing planned this weekend, and if i am out it usually involves drinking until 2am then going alone. The girl will say no, for sure. However, if he casually virtually ignores her, even if he likes her, and makes out like he is a millionaire and is a stud, she will go for him, even though he's being totally fake and lying about things.

Likewise, for women to maintain the man in the relationship, she needs to feed into his fantasy, which is that you are untouched and pure and virginal but also absolutely savage in the sack. No man really likes a whore, in the same way that women don't like a guy that isn't screwing loads of women already.

BTW, 8 is totally normal. He doesn't need to know that though, and while he as a man will pretend to be things to keep the woman, the woman needs also to do things to keep the man. Do not, under any circumstances, be honest. He is not you or your family. What will it gain you if he loses attraction for you and breaks it off? Therefore: do what is needed to get what you want the end result to be.

Also, I have a Lamborghini.

This is total horse**** and don't judge everyone by your own pathetic standards.

OP, your new bloke is a total arse & be glad he's shown his true colours so early on. I wouldn't entertain him for another moment. Bullet dodget IMO.

AlanD

I agree, this guy is being a total plank about it. He is very insecure himself and as someone else asked I wonder how many partners he has had. There's a saying that goes along the lines of the person who shouts the loudest about something to do with morals probably has an even bigger secret to hide...or something along those lines......you get the gist anyway.

8 partners is nothing. In fact it doesn't matter. If you are willing to love a guy back, then the past never matters. All that matters is now and if he wants to love you, he needs to understand that those 8 partners and all your life experiences are what has shaped you in to the person you are today. If you had 1 partner, he might not be interested because you could be a different person.

My advice? Unless you can feel he can be honest with you and you with him and that he listens to you and accepts you for who you are then you have no future. Honesty and acceptance of the reality is the key to a successful relationship. It's not easy accepting everything, but if you work at it, bliss is the only outcome. But it takes two to work at it.

So if you feel he is really worth it, work through the hypocrisy and get to the bottom of the issue. It won't be the last you'll encounter and you might as well get practicing now! If you can't picture yourself staying long term with him, move on now.

Aloysius Flyte

Pete4779 wrote: »

If you want the relationship to work, don't be honest. It's not the best policy. Think of it like this: a guy wants to ask a girl out, so he says to her: will you go out with me, i have nothing planned this weekend, and if i am out it usually involves drinking until 2am then going alone. The girl will say no, for sure. However, if he casually virtually ignores her, even if he likes her, and makes out like he is a millionaire and is a stud, she will go for him, even though he's being totally fake and lying about things.

Likewise, for women to maintain the man in the relationship, she needs to feed into his fantasy, which is that you are untouched and pure and virginal but also absolutely savage in the sack. No man really likes a whore, in the same way that women don't like a guy that isn't screwing loads of women already.

BTW, 8 is totally normal. He doesn't need to know that though, and while he as a man will pretend to be things to keep the woman, the woman needs also to do things to keep the man. Do not, under any circumstances, be honest. He is not you or your family. What will it gain you if he loses attraction for you and breaks it off? Therefore: do what is needed to get what you want the end result to be.

Also, I have a Lamborghini.

What an ass.
You are clearly insecure and unhappy and tragic if the basis of all your relationships is pretend and that is how you live your life.

SpookyDoll

citygirl123 wrote: »

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man. we slept together after our 2nd date and things have progressed since then. unfortunately i am very honest and when he asked me had i slept with anyone so quickly before i said yes. he changed immediately. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past. i dont understand. is my past that bad? is what i have done so unusual. most of my friends have had lots of partners. Am i doomed to being alone now because of my past?should i lie in future?

I would say jib him, your past is positively angelic so whats his problem, he sounds very prudish.

Wagon

If it was 8 in the space of a year or less then maybe it's too much. But I heard women have an average of 13 partners betwen the ages of 18-25, and anyway it's your past. He wasn't there so it's got nothing to do with him. And 8 partners in that time is a small number, so it's not putting you in a bad light. This chap is going a little over the top.

LegacyUser

Wow was he a virgin when you met? or a priest perhaps, so far stuck up his own morals he can smell his own sh1t!

Pol Pot

gents like the Op's BF make Pol Pot sad cos they give men a bad name.

OP he is an ass of the highest degree. You would do well to get rid.

dblennon

Chris Rock said it best

"Don't ask, cause you know you can't handle it"

TBH My ex (26) did the whole get to know each other thing and we didn't have sex for almost 6 weeks and she still had alot more partners than yourself

I know he didn't but I'll ask anyway, does he think your being dishonest by saying you have only slept with 8 people?

Lollipops23

one of my mates used to date a guy who had slept with far more people than her,yet he made a huuuuge deal out of the fact that she'd been with other guys. seriously weird.i think some guys(and maybe girls) are looking for someone virginal and innocent, even if that contradicts them!i'd cut my losses,he sounds a bit odd.

LegacyUser

Im 36 with 8 partners and I have been embarrassed that the number is so low that I dont tell anyone!

This guy is weird.

Gyalist

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man.

The idea that any 35-year old thinks that someone that they've dated just twice is their ideal partner is, to put not too fine a point on it, more than a little alarming. Real life isn't a Mills & Boon novel.

It isn't altogether surprising that the reality doesn't meet the mental fantasy that you've created.

If he is unwilling or incapable of accepting your past it's time to cut the relationship short.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think any rational guy would be upset by 8 partners from a 35 year old woman.

Get-out clause perhaps?

Though this conversation should never ever take place. Ever.

Talliesin

Beruthiel wrote: »

He is a judgemental hypocrite, why waste your time on him?

OP, Beruthiel's post reads like a rhetorical question, but it's worth trying to answer. Really, why are you with this loser?

anonymous_joe

Jaysus, 8's not many.

I went out with someone who'd had plenty of previous partners, it wasn't a challenge to deal with it.

The guy's got a serious problem, and I feel so sorry for you, but don't let people like that get you down.

I'm someone who does try to limit the number of partners (for myself, not because of what future boyfriends will think), but 8 people at 35 isn't a high number at all. I'd assume it's quite a low number compared to most 35 year olds. I'm only 23 and I find I'm getting to the age where guys expect me to have had a fair few partners already. Your man sounds really odd, or there's another reason he wants to break it off and he's using this as an excuse.

AnonoBoy

8 people at 35 and he has a problem with that?

If you stayed with this guy he'd pick at everything and anything he can to make you feel bad. Get rid of him now and save yourself the hassle.

Sounds like he's either up on his moral high horse and wants to make you feel like a whore or else he himself has had loads of partners and is looking for an angelic virgin to help him feel like he's less of a man whore.

Either way you're better off without.

Terodil

Meh, dunno. I agree with the point that he should not have asked in the first place and I, personally, would simply not have replied.

That said, saying that over a dozen partners in those years is perfectly normal... well... depends on your personal values I suppose. I believe that love and sex should go together and are not independent. And love is definitely not a short-term thing; it takes months to hatch, and it takes months to get away from it in the unlucky situation that your heart breaks. That limits the number of partners somewhat.

Muggy Dev

He could be looking for a pretext to bail.If that is true then he is gutless.If it is false then he is an ass.Either way you will be well rid.

Good luck OP.

Oryx

He has slept with less than 8 people. You are more experienced than him. He couldnt handle that.


In this day and age that is the ONLY way I can explain his attitude.

LegacyUser

i think hes being very insecure- the past is the past, its none of his business. my boyfriend has been with loads of women. but hes with me now- not them. i have been with many people aswell. practice makes perfect!! i think hes lucky to have a woman like u. lifes too short so tell him to get over it!

jam_mac_jam

I would stay well away from him, he either has a very bad opinion of women in general or himself. 8 is nothing for a 35 year old, he is a sad little man and he needs to grow up fast, you dont need somebody who is going to make you feel bad about yourself for 8 people.

Heckler

I never asked my current girlfriend of 3 years and she never asked me. Before we started getting all sexy and stuff we both went for an std check. Sorted. Any idiot worried about how much sex their other half had before they met is just that...an idiot. And an insecure idiot at that.

That said I worked bar years ago and I worked with a guy who was a major player, told me( and I believe him, i've seen him pull) how he banged up to 40 women the year I was working with him. His favourite method of birth control ? Withdrawal (and in his words "blow the load on her back the bitch"). Lovely guy but a complete spa when it came to std/pregnancies.

Haven't seen him in years but I hope he's not dead of AIDS or something. I think hes the type to keep on shagging even if he was told he had syphilis.

LegacyUser

thanks folks, i admit i had my doubts about myself. once or twice i know i was with guys i should not have been. i had 5 partners at 29. was that bad

Victor

citygirl123 wrote: »

i had 5 partners at 29. was that bad

Do you mean 5 total by 29 or 5 at the same time? 5 at the same time gets complicated.

There is no good and bad - very large numbers, say 500, coupled with unsafe practices have health and possibly emotional implications, but there is no bad number.

Obviously each to their own. Some people might feel uncomfortable with someone who has had sex with very many or very few people. But thats about them, not you.

Overheal

I've known more 19 year olds who've had 8 partners than 35 year olds to be honest.

Two Dates is no real loss. Plenty of Fish and all that.

Oryx wrote: »

He has slept with less than 8 people. You are more experienced than him. He couldnt handle that.

In this day and age that is the ONLY way I can explain his attitude.

This. And maybe even some unwarranted STD germaphobia.

Dragan

citygirl123 wrote: »

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man. we slept together after our 2nd date and things have progressed since then. unfortunately i am very honest and when he asked me had i slept with anyone so quickly before i said yes. he changed immediately. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past. i dont understand. is my past that bad? is what i have done so unusual. most of my friends have had lots of partners. Am i doomed to being alone now because of my past?should i lie in future?

No. You will find yourself in a relationship where the question will not be asked.

Huge generalisations coming your way here but

1) Most secure people don't really care how many partners their current partner has had. It's not something that crops up because it's not important. They tend to think that people need to do things to grow, that sex is a bit of fun and right minded people will have sex over the course of there lives.

2) People who do tend to ask normally have a hang up based somewhere either in upbringing, there own sexual history etc etc. Often times it's not even their fault, just something ingrained in them so deep they can't shake it.

3) Someone who judges you on your past in this way is normally a bit of a knob. Be they male or female.

Thats about it.

iguana

Dragan wrote: »

No. You will find yourself in a relationship where the question will not be asked.

Huge generalisations coming your way here but

1) Most secure people don't really care how many partners their current partner has had. It's not something that crops up because it's not important. They tend to think that people need to do things to grow, that sex is a bit of fun and right minded people will have sex over the course of there lives.

2) People who do tend to ask normally have a hang up based somewhere either in upbringing, there own sexual history etc etc. Often times it's not even their fault, just something ingrained in them so deep they can't shake it.

Those are huge generalisations. Most people I know have had that conversation with their partners. It's not something that's asked out of insecurity, it's just something that many people are curious about in the getting to know each other stage. The thing is they aren't bothered by it. My exes have ranged from a guy who was a virgin when we got together, to one guy who'd slept with 100+. And I couldn't care less either way.

If a guy is going to judge me based on how many people I've slept with he isn't the type of guy I'd want to be with. So having that type of conversation early on is no bad thing as you find out early if you are dating someone you are incompatible with.

Dragan wrote: »

3) Someone who judges you on your past in this way is normally a bit of a knob. Be they male or female.

Thats about it.

It depends on what is in their past, imo. If I was seeing a guy and I found out he had hit his previous girlfriends I'd judge him on that. If I knew he had cheated on all his exes I'd be wary of that too.

Dragan

iguana wrote: »

Those are huge generalisations.

I know. Hence why i said it.

Most people I know have had that conversation with their partners. It's not something that's asked out of insecurity, it's just something that many people are curious about in the getting to know each other stage. The thing is they aren't bothered by it. My exes have ranged from a guy who was a virgin when we got together, to one guy who'd slept with 100+. And I couldn't care less either way.

Most people i know haven't, being totally honest. It's not an issue to know the count, only to talk about the ones that mattered.

If a guy is going to judge me based on how many people I've slept with he isn't the type of guy I'd want to be with. So having that type of conversation early on is no bad thing as you find out early if you are dating someone you are incompatible with.

Agreed, but i still just don't think it's a required part of a successful relationship. I can honestly say of all the things that speak about me my sexual history would tell the smallest story. It's just sex afterall. Once again though, that's just me.

It depends on what is in their past, imo. If I was seeing a guy and I found out he had hit his previous girlfriends I'd judge him on that. If I knew he had cheated on all his exes I'd be wary of that too.

I meant this about sexual partners, nothing else.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

I've known more 19 year olds who've had 8 partners than 35 year olds to be honest.

Two Dates is no real loss. Plenty of Fish and all that.

This. And maybe even some unwarranted STD germaphobia.

so as a 35yr old is it wrong, am i from a different generation and should i have had less partners. i dont know what age contributors here are. maybe everybody is in early 20s. does 35yr olds have as many partners as i have had

anonymous_joe

I can kind of agree with Dragan. It's one of those conversations that's sometimes best avoided.

For every person who says 'I don't mind how many', there's clearly one who does. Some people genuinely believe that sex is something sacred or whatever, others just view it as a laugh. Different strokes and all that. ^^

I do know I had problems once with someone who'd had plenty of previous partners, and cheated on her then boyfriend on quite a few occasions, largely because she didn't actually like him all that much. When she told me this, and found out that I'd never actually once cheated on someone she felt like an awful person. Nevermind that she actually liked me, she felt, wrongly, that I'd be judging her. Would probably have been safer not to have asked.

Anyway, if you've gone out with 1 person for 10 years, and your mate's gone out with 10 people in 10 years (arbitary figures) does it really matter?

iguana

citygirl123 wrote: »

so as a 35yr old is it wrong, am i from a different generation and should i have had less partners. i dont know what age contributors here are. maybe everybody is in early 20s. does 35yr olds have as many partners as i have had

You are 35, meaning you reached the age of consent in the 90's, so you are hardly of a different generation as far as sexual morals are concerned. There is nothing wrong with the amount of people you have slept with. In fact I'm imagining that you must have had either one very long relationship, or 2 or 3 fairly long relationships in order to have slept with so few people by your age.

LegacyUser

is it wrong to sleep with someone on a second date. would it be normal or very unusual

Gareth37

citygirl123 wrote: »

i am a 35 year old female. recently i met what i thought was my ideal man. we slept together after our 2nd date and things have progressed since then. unfortunately i am very honest and when he asked me had i slept with anyone so quickly before i said yes. he changed immediately. then he asked me me how many partnets i have had , again i was honest and said 8. Now he says he wants to love me but cant live with my past. i dont understand. is my past that bad? is what i have done so unusual. most of my friends have had lots of partners. Am i doomed to being alone now because of my past?should i lie in future?

I assume that by slept you mean have sex (the americans seem to use the "sleep" word for sex, it justifies it better) beacuse sleeping with someone is fine anyway.

I think you mean you had sexual intercourse. Did you feel ok about doing this after just 2 dates?

Well you have been defiled by the fornication of 8 men so you understand his point of view. He seems like a decent man, a very decent man because he obviously likes to have respect for the woman hes with and to ask these questions he must had feelings of love and respect for you.

Any decent man will not want a woman that has no respect for her flesh and body and lets face it, a 2nd date is very soon. In saying that you cannot change the past. Im sure if you tell him that you got mixed up in society and that you now realise that the most important thing is love and respect and not sex. Sex seems to have come first here but Im sure if you can prove that you are serious about developing a serious relationship based on real values such as love without condition then he will be willing to take a chance.

Nevyn

Gareth37 bann for 1 month for unhelpful posting.

iguana

citygirl123 wrote: »

is it wrong to sleep with someone on a second date. would it be normal or very unusual

It's only wrong if it isn't something you (or he) want to do. If you are both happy to sleep with each other, then it's perfectly fine. If you both feel like sleeping together within an hour of meeting there is nothing wrong with that either, nevermind the 2nd date.

Don't let this guy make to you doubt yourself.