BF lost his job and I'm pregnant

LegacyUser

Ok maybe im worrying a bit too much here but i graduated college this year but cant get a job because im 4.5 months pregnant, Im still living at home and will be going on the dole.I havent went in to sign on yet as i need a letter from the college i have a 4000 car loan and i owe 2550 to my orthodondist (i pay him 1275 every 6 months )

I didnt think it was too bad as my bf earned 600-700 a week up until last week when he lost his job.

He will now be on the dole as well. He pays €150 a week on C.U loans and he has 4000 C.C bills as well as that he's in court soon for driving with an expired licence(he didnt know it was out of date) and the solicitor fees and fine will prob amount to €1500

I know im lucky as i started christmas shopping early and paid for all the presents with my savings

So now im very very broke, my car insurance is up in a week , my tax and nct are in january and then i have to think of buying all the baby stuff. We had planned on renting a house but more than likely ill have to move in with him and his parents who drive me insane because we have no room here

I just feel like crying because this is not the way i thought things would turn out and im starting to feel like i resent being pregnant and my bf for not planning ahead and saving instead of being so flashy like buying a pc, Xbox360, 50 inch tv etc just because he wanted to

I dont know what to do

Cuddlesworth

Sell anything you don't need, including the presents you bought. When times are better you can indulge yourself again. That includes the presents.

I find it odd that you would be annoyed at your bf for buying things when you spent your savings on presents for people who I am assuming really don't need them. He probably should have started saving as soon as the news came, but young males tend to ignore responsibility until its forced upon them.

LegacyUser

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Sell anything you don't need, including the presents you bought. When times are better you can indulge yourself again. That includes the presents.

I find it odd that you would be annoyed at your bf for buying things when you spent your savings on presents for people who I am assuming really don't need them. He probably should have started saving as soon as the news came, but young males tend to ignore responsibility until its forced upon them.

I bought the presents thinking i would get half the money back off my BF which is what happens every year but he cant afford that and the present i have bought were not lavish or anything like that maybe 20-30 per person

remember that on top of dole, you'll get a good bit from benefits cause of having a kid.. maybe look into rent allowance aswell if you feel you can't live with his parents.


don't resent him for buying that stuff.. that's a good wage he had but just terrible luck that it's gone.

Trinity

Anyone in debt would be worried but coupled with being pregnant, oh lord with hormones thrown in its 10 times worse!

FIrst of all you have to calm down. Stress is not good for you or baby.

Ok have you spoken to bf about this? You have 4.5 months to get things sorted.

He lost his job but its possible he will get another. In the meantime, stay in your parents if possible. Save up as much as you can. If you remain at home you might be entitled to some help with a pram and cot etc.

SOrt out what you need NOW. For baby its nothing just yet really. Your bf could have gotten a job by then.

Have you thought about going to MABS? They might be able to help you come to an arrangement with your loans.

But try not to worry too much just yet. Sit down with bf and come up with a plan of action. He may offer to sell TV get a smaller one etc.

I know with baby on the way you want to live together but its best to wait until you have a plan and obviously more money. Believe me its a struggle coming up with rent and then baby milk, nappies etc.

Try to sort out your debts and you will have more in your pocket week to week. Try to be optimistic and enjoy your pregnancy and christmas. Your bf will make it up to you when he gets a job.

445279.ie

Unregistered wrote: »

he's in court soon for driving with an expired licence(he didnt know it was out of date) and the solicitor fees and fine will prob amount to €1500

If he's just up for no driving licence he really wouldn't need a solicitor. Just go in, plead guilty and it'll be a small(ish) fine

dlofnep

Hey look - Don't upset yourself over this. You're going through a bad patch, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You might have financial hardship for a year.. Not the end of the world. We all go through it. Chin up, and make with what you have.

What did your boyfriend work as? He can go out and look for a job in the meantime. Keep positive. No point in stressing yourself out. It's not good for you.

LegacyUser

dlofnep wrote: »

Hey look - Don't upset yourself over this. You're going through a bad patch, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You might have financial hardship for a year.. Not the end of the world. We all go through it. Chin up, and make with what you have.

What did your boyfriend work as? He can go out and look for a job in the meantime. Keep positive. No point in stressing yourself out. It's not good for you.

He worked in construction i honestly thought his job was safe hes a good worker never missed a day (He even cancelled our holidays this year to work because they needed him)and even went in on saturdays and sundays when they asked.
He feels like he's been messed around they said he could go home early the other day last week due to machinery being broken down then they rang him when he was at home saying not to come back as there was no work for him


Hes insisting on a solicitor in case he loses his licence ( but that could be his mother putting ideas into his head she makes a big deal out of EVERYTHING- i dont think that could even happen?)

I can manage my loans but i just think ill end up helping him out with his which is what i resent as he spent his money foolishly and i havent

LolaDub

Being pregnant is a difficult time for anybody. Your doctor should be able to make an appointment for you with a social worker who can advise you of what you're entitled to and what you should apply for. You should definitely put your name on a housing list asap, you'll need to be on that before you can get rent allowance anyway afaik.

I would think strongly about returning christmas presents and if you really need to buy for these people consider the 2 euro shop or pennys only. You could start checking out adverts.ie or second hands websites for baby things or ask people to get you what you need or vouchers for specific stores for your christmas presents. Perhaps your boyfriend could look at some of the things he has to sell. Tbh you shouldn't feel resentful towards your boyfriend for buying himself these things, i'm sure he had no way of knowing he was about to lose his job. Giving away/selling too much could make an already bad time much worse so be wise with what you do. He should get his cvs out to as many agencies and emplyers as possible. As you both have debts the earlier suggestion of mabs is a good one. Good luck with it! The parenting forum here and pregnancy sub forum is great if you need a chat/rant/advice. I wish you well!

mikemac

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel like crying because this is not the way i thought things would turn out and im starting to feel like i resent being pregnant and my bf for not planning ahead and saving instead of being so flashy like buying a pc, Xbox360, 50 inch tv etc just because he wanted to

He's your boyfriend, not your husband. Do you have a joint account? If not, how can you possibly resent how he spends his money?
It changes from now or at least from when you gave him this news. Ease up on the resentment, this is both your responsibility. Hey, maybe he feels the same.......

Go to MABS. Go see your community welfare officer.
Check out the parenting forum, very helpful crew over there
If you boyfriend is guilty of some driving offense it might be worth dumping the solicitor and pleading guilty.

John Mason

Why cant you get a job? load of shops are taking on christmas staff. You are only pregnant, its not a thought all your arms and legs have fallen off. if you had a job when you got pregnant you would be working up until 8.5 months.

so stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. get a job, sell your car and sort your life out

marti101

It was his money to spend as he saw fit.Also you have loans out so you cant really preach to him.Sit down and set a budget save until the baby comes.In the meantime bring back the gifts most people will understand that you cant afford it.And tell your bf to take any job even if its only for christmas theres plenty of places out there hiring for christmas.

enda1

micmclo wrote: »

He's your boyfriend, not your husband. Do you have a joint account? If not, how can you possibly resent how he spends his money?
It changes from now or at least from when you gave him this news. Ease up on the resentment, this is both your responsibility. Hey, maybe he feels the same.......

Go to MABS. Go see your community welfare officer.
Check out the parenting forum, very helpful crew over there
If you boyfriend is guilty of some driving offense it might be worth dumping the solicitor and pleading guilty.

Its the 21st centuary not 19th... Not everyone gets married you know and if they are having a baby together, its pretty reasonable to think that he could have thought about saving a few euro especially working in the construction industry, where lots of people are losing their jobs!

Sell your car now! Can't see why you would need it especially with the insurance coming up now its the perfect time before incurring any more expenses.

ohnoigotsick

if he's spent the X amount of money on an engagement ring instead of the telly and stuff for himself would you be as angry with him now ?

i'm sure it's stressful but you don't have a mortgage so be greatful

also you can get a job for 4 months , nice handy christmas work on the till in argos or dunnes and that will pay for the bills.

i'm sure your boyfriend can get himself out of a hole by going elsewhere to work, if your so worried about your current situation and want ot get out of it, a few months abroad to clear debts would be in order

mikemac

enda1 wrote: »

Its the 21st centuary not 19th... Not everyone gets married you know and if they are having a baby together, its pretty reasonable to think that he could have thought about saving a few euro especially working in the construction industry, where lots of people are losing their jobs!
.

The OP clearly explained that the guy didn't expect to be let go. It's explained already.

I accept your point about marraige but it was a point about their assets I was trying to make, which marriage does affect. They don't have a joint account, the OP has loans but the guy is getting hassle and resentment about spending HIS money.

This is getting dragged offtopic

LegacyUser

I have tried to get a job for a while now, i worked in a company last year who said the could take me on at the start of september but that fell through and most places dont seem to want to know once i say im pregnant, I still havent stopped looking the amount of times ive printed my cv and went into places is maddening

I need my car as i live in the country with no other transport and my 4000loan was to get a decent car as my previous one was nothing but hassle

Im actually glad we dont have a mortgage - we were waiting till i got a full time job after college. The only reason im feeling resentful over the stuff he bought is the fact he bought it mainly to show off that he had money and now hes going to struggle paying for it, even now he cant stand people thinking he has no money, hes still spending like mad ( take yesterday for example he went to sign on and he took himself and one of the lads out and had dinner in an expensive restaurant afterwards and bought an xbox game on his way home!) The money he spent yesterday could have paid his CU loan for he week.

I feel like he doesnt realise that theres a baby on the way and they cost money and why should i be the one to scrimp and save when he cant be bothered

ohnoigotsick

Unregistered wrote: »

I have tried to get a job for a while now, i worked in a company last year who said the could take me on at the start of september but that fell through and most places dont seem to want to know once i say im pregnant, I still havent stopped looking the amount of times ive printed my cv and went into places is maddening

I need my car as i live in the country with no other transport and my 4000loan was to get a decent car as my previous one was nothing but hassle

Im actually glad we dont have a mortgage - we were waiting till i got a full time job after college. The only reason im feeling resentful over the stuff he bought is the fact he bought it mainly to show off that he had money and now hes going to struggle paying for it, even now he cant stand people thinking he has no money, hes still spending like mad ( take yesterday for example he went to sign on and he took himself and one of the lads out and had dinner in an expensive restaurant afterwards and bought an xbox game on his way home!) The money he spent yesterday could have paid his CU loan for he week.

I feel like he doesnt realise that theres a baby on the way and they cost money and why should i be the one to scrimp and save when he cant be bothered

well then you need to kick him up the arse - tell him he has responsiblities that are now his finances and in 5 months the biggest responsability he'll ever have

sit him down and explain to him that your not nagging him that you are having the conversation for the babys sake and he needs to get his priorities right - (and don't bring up the previous stuff he's bought)

and good luck

aye

OP, you should really sit down with him and discuss this.
ne obviously still doesnt realise that his finances arent great at the moment.
get active about it.

write down your finances, how much you each take in a month at present.

then write down how much outgoings you two have, car loans, CU loan, CC bill, phone bill, tv, electricity, food, everything.
then look at your savings and his, set up so that both are saving the same amount each month.
this will open his eyes to the fact that at present he cant go around buying things he doesnt need.

i would also look into selling off some stuff if needed. 50 inch tv, i'm sure he could manage with a 26 inch.

dont make it all about him tho, show that you might sell things or that you may spend unnessecarily too.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I have tried to get a job for a while now, i worked in a company last year who said the could take me on at the start of september but that fell through and most places dont seem to want to know once i say im pregnant, I still havent stopped looking the amount of times ive printed my cv and went into places is maddening

There are hundreds of places taking on seasonal staff - as other posters mentioned, Argos and the like. They'll be looking for staff to get them through Xmas and the January sales. Waitressing is a good one since you'll be making tips on top of earnings.

Unregistered wrote: »

why should i be the one to scrimp and save when he cant be bothered

Because there's a baby on the way. That's more important than petty fights with your bf over a flat-screen TV. You have to set aside your principles about who should pay for what, because they are not going to feed and clothe your baby. The money has to come from somewhere.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

There are hundreds of places taking on seasonal staff - as other posters mentioned, Argos and the like. They'll be looking for staff to get them through Xmas and the January sales. Waitressing is a good one since you'll be making tips on top of earnings.

Guys - sorry to burst the bubble, but Argos laid off staff this year, and my local Dunnes has notices up informing people that they have no jobs, not to send in CVs. The jobs that Irish people considered 'menial' until recently, are becoming thinner on the ground.

Your BF is in denial. You do need to have a big talk. This recession could be with us for quite a few years.

LolaDub

Taking a mate out to dinner when you've just signed on to the dole is insane.

I'm sure deep down he knows he shouldn't be but he's feeling scared for the future and afraid to face up to the situation. I don't think a big confrontation will help him at all. You need to talk with him in the most sympathetic understanding way possible. Show him that you care about him and you're not angry but you need to be realistic about money now. If you make a plan together of what you can both do then he will see your sacrifices as well as his. I really think you should contact a social worker or an unmarried parents agency like treoir ( http://www.treoir.ie/ ) to have a sit down with and discuss your options.

SIBHCHEVIE

Yea I agree with everyone here, sit down write down your finances and budget, budget, budget!!!! Try going to your local credit union and getting a loan to clear some of your debt especially the credit card chop it up and get rid of it. I know your replacing the credit card and some of the loans with another one but the credit union has lower interest rates and are often very good with payments like letting you pay smaller amounts on your loan than banks would or deferring payments for a few months.

I agree with staying at home for now, can you get any help off your parents and his parents? There must be someone in your family and his family that has old baby stuff like clothes, cots, push chairs. But you are entitled to get these off social welfare.

With regards work keep looking, what did you study in college? I'm sure something will pop up but don't go for anything to strenuous or you'll end up putting you and your baby at risk.

LolaDub

You're not entitled to cots, push chairs etc off social welfare, afaik you have to apply and you may be given money towards the cost if they feel you need it.

I imagine that you would definitely qualify for this op but i think its something that 107 euro towards a cot and 107 towards a buggy

midlandsmissus

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok maybe im worrying a bit too much here but i graduated college this year but cant get a job because im 4.5 months pregnant, Im still living at home and will be going on the dole.I havent went in to sign on yet as i need a letter from the college i have a 4000 car loan and i owe 2550 to my orthodondist (i pay him 1275 every 6 months )

I didnt think it was too bad as my bf earned 600-700 a week up until last week when he lost his job.

He will now be on the dole as well. He pays €150 a week on C.U loans and he has 4000 C.C bills as well as that he's in court soon for driving with an expired licence(he didnt know it was out of date) and the solicitor fees and fine will prob amount to €1500

I know im lucky as i started christmas shopping early and paid for all the presents with my savings

So now im very very broke, my car insurance is up in a week , my tax and nct are in january and then i have to think of buying all the baby stuff. We had planned on renting a house but more than likely ill have to move in with him and his parents who drive me insane because we have no room here

I just feel like crying because this is not the way i thought things would turn out and im starting to feel like i resent being pregnant and my bf for not planning ahead and saving instead of being so flashy like buying a pc, Xbox360, 50 inch tv etc just because he wanted to

I dont know what to do

Hi,

First of all, I see a few great things there. You have a beautiful baby on the way and you have your christmas shopping all done. Well done! You just need to make a list and look at each thing you need to do. You are definitely not in the worst shape I've seen, so don't panic. First things first you need to sort out your living arrangements. If you think his parents will drive you crazy, could you live with any of your family? As a short term solution.

Enough money for the baby - make sure you apply for every benefit you are entitled to - you should get a good bit to tide you over, so don't panic here.

Your boyfriend - Construction - There are alot of contstruction jobs in England at the mo with structures being built for the Olympics. Why doesnt he look into jobs over there, and then he could send money home to you. I agree you need to have a chat wiht him, that he has a baby on the way, and he needs to wise up.

One more idea - could you go back to college and do a postgrad for a year? Colleges have creche facilities, you'd get a grant, and it'd give you a bit of breathing space to get a job. All the best x

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like he doesnt realise that theres a baby on the way and they cost money and why should i be the one to scrimp and save when he cant be bothered

It's quite possible he's in denial. Men don't need to deal with oncoming parenthood in the same way as women as we are essentially 'there for the ride', as it were, while women are forced to make choices early on in pregnancy.

Nonetheless your statement does give me some concern, because if the penny hasn't dropped yet, his reaction when it does may not be what you're hoping for. How solid is your relationship? Was the pregnancy planned or semi-planned? How committed is he to becoming a father?

Now, separate to the above, there is the question of income and debt management. First piece of advice is to build up an income and expenditure table which details all money coming in and going out. Take into account costs associated with pregnancy and early childcare. From this you'll be able to see what your main financial burdens are and how long before you're in trouble. But don't panic as this is only the worst case scenario - the next step will improve matters.

Then inform yourself as to your options with regards to debt consolidation (MABS) and housing and lone parent allowance (DSW). Look at all options and do so quickly as there may be waiting list in some cases.

Explore your options where it comes to moving in together, either officially or (as far as the DSW is concerned) unofficially. Where it comes to your debts you should be able to consolidate them to manageable levels.

You can raise some capital by selling some items, but don't spend too much time on this - there's no point spending 300 working hours on selling €500 worth of goods.

Not wanting to sound traditional, but your bf has a higher chance of getting a job at present, given your condition. If you can be sure of him standing by you, I would concentrate on him doing this by encouraging and assisting him. Start planning for a few months after you're due however, as you'll want to re-enter the job market then and he can return the favour.

The main thing I can suggest is that you ultimately need to take a good look at the facts; the debt, income and cash flow figures, your options with regards to state assistance or employment and, last but not least, the two scenarios of you doing this with him and doing it alone. Do this with ice cold blood, then calmly plot your best course of action and you'll be all right, although it won't be easy.

LegacyUser

I have no doubt hes completely commited to me , hes excited about the baby but has his head in the sand money wise.
He keeps telling me not to worry and he'll get a job but even so i dont ever want to be in this position again so i want to plan ahead i've been looking at cheap baby furniture etc on ebay and have found quite a good shop that sells the last of high street stock at 70 percent off i can get almost everything cot, buggy, monitor, changing table etc for approx €500 (in argos it comes to nearly€1000)

I have some things i can sell but i know he'll be livid with me because they are presents he gave me but i honestly dont need them and they could go towards the baby furniture

as for living arrangements i think ive come up with a plan today, he lives in a house with two bedrooms upstairs one a spare and the other his own so i was thinking of knocking out a wall ( not a big job as its plasterboard) and making one side into a sitting room and the other a room for us and the baby until we can afford to get a house of our own

Ive rang the company that were going to employ me and the said they'd send me a letter saying they had no jobs for me as i heard this can speed up social welfare , im also hoping to get my letter from college by friday so i can sign on monday

eimsRV

OP

Firstly congrats on the baby news. I'm 5 months pregnant myself and looking forward to becoming a mam in the New Year.

My bf sounds a bit like yours. He is just finishing up a FAS course and is very relaxed about getting a job, it freaks me out as we both have mortgages!!!! I can understand how you resent him for being extravagent with money at the moment and I really think you need to sit down and talk to him.

With regards baby furniture, have a look on adverts.ie or gumtree as you might get some good condition second hand stuff for babs. We're planning on taking a trip up north to take advantage of the weak sterling at the mo. Also I'm told that you get loads of presents of clothes, etc once the baby arrives so try not to worry too much. Another suggestion is to start a baby box with basic supplies like nappies, sudocreme, etc when you see them on special offer in shops, maybe try to get something each week.

Check out what you are entitled to at citizens info, or online http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare-payments-to-families-and-children

Also, check out the shopping centre websites for jobs as I've seen a few in the last few wks.

Try to stay positive. For pregnancy info you should check out the parenting forum here or rollercoaster.ie

Best of luck
Eims

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

remember that on top of dole, you'll get a good bit from benefits cause of having a kid.. .

Well I am receiving a 'bit' from welfare to raise my child but it's far from a 'good bit' they are very tight and the means assessment is very thorough. You cannot claim the dole and welfare benefits it's either one or the other. But the local welfare officer may help with some cash toward a buggy/pram.

LegacyUser

As far as I know the lone parent allowance is the same as Deserted Wife's benefit which is very very small(personal experience).
The myth that people with kids get great benefits makes me laugh...
I have been through the mill as a single mum for 19 years when my husband deserted us.
The best way I coped was to keep on working. I was also pregnant and found that NO BODY was interested in hiring because they have to pay maternity payments.
I persisted and told them that I wanted to work there after baby was born...lo and behold 4 weeks after baby was born I was hired.
If your fella is still out of work maybe he can mind baby whilst you work?
The lone parent allowance allows you to keep a lot of your earnings AS WELL.
Family income supplement also tops up your pay.
If I had relied on benefits only then Baby and I would have never made it,and I would have set a very bad example to my now grown-up son.
Hope things work out for you,all the best

LolaDub

Unregistered wrote: »

He keeps telling me not to worry and he'll get a job but even so i dont ever want to be in this position again so i want to plan ahead i've been looking at cheap baby furniture etc on ebay and have found quite a good shop that sells the last of high street stock at 70 percent off i can get almost everything cot, buggy, monitor, changing table etc for approx €500 (in argos it comes to nearly€1000)

Before you buy everything now i would advise you to seriously think about what you actually need and limit yourself to that. You may be in a better position when the baby is born to buy additional things if you feel you need them.

Personally i never got a change table, just a change mat-i'd say it was less than 10 euros and did the job fine. Also i got a childs monitor and used it no more than twice, if your baby is going to be in the same room or next door to you, then you might not need that. You might want to think about a cot bed as opposed to a cot, when your child is too big for the cot it changes into a toddler bed meaning you don't have to buy a new bed. My daughter grew out of her cot after 15 months.

It sounds like you are experiencing a very low time at the moment and i really admire how you are facing it. Make sure to look after yourself and your baby. The most important thing to a child is love.

beth-lou

First off, congrats on your impending arrival. I know everything is a bit scarey now, but you will manage. Your boyfriend needs to get a bit of fire under his ass and go and look for a job. My husband works in construction too, and the jobs area few and far between, so he may have to think about looking to in another industry for the moment. Is he out looking for work?

As far as baby furniture goes, all you need is a cot and a buggy. Do not buy a changing table. They are the biggest waste of space and money. Once you have a bed for baby and a buggy you will be fine. There are lots of ads on gumtree.ie and dublinwaste.ie from people offering baby buggies and cots for free. All you have to do is collect them. This is no time for spending money you don't have unneccessarily. I know it's nice to uy new things when you are pregnant, but you are not in a position to do so at the moment. When I had my first, we got everything second hand, cot, clothes, buggy. Plus lots of people will buy you clothes as presents. The only thing I advise you to buy is a set of neutral vests, baby grows and hats, until you know the sex of your baby, and you see what you have.

As far as work goes, people that are suggesting you get a waitressing job at 4.5months preggers obviously haven't been pregnant. Maybe you won't get a job, God knows it's tough enough for people to get employment. But, you said you are staying at home for now. Well I suggest you put all money coming in from your social welfare payments towards paying off your debts. If your boyfriend has a car, sell yours. I've two kids and we only have one car. Your boyfriend should sign on too.

You will have a fairly tight year ahead, but it will work out. Ok, your situation isn't ideal, but you'll be ok. Talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel, your fears and worries. It might actually be a bit oblivious. See how it goes from there. But it will work out, I promise. x