I am a terrible person; guilt is killing me!

LegacyUser

Hiya, going unregistered this for reasons which will become clear when you read why exactly I'm not exactly feeling like a saint right now.

To cut a long story short, I was at a work do on Thursday night and got spectacularly, horribly drunk-a very very rare occasion for me as I'm usually the one holding back people's hair and putting them into taxis!! I will normally get drunk but never ever to the extent I did on Thursday! Basically I went wild (again, a rarity) and ended up with a married man from work; we didn't sleep together-it was more (alot of) heavy kissing for a long time. When things started to get really heavy I said I had to go (not before being sick outside-oh god the shame). I woke up the following morning and just thought "SH!T". I have been wracked with guilt ever since and can't shake the feeling that I am a total and utter slut. I know it takes two to tango and all that, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I did it. I have never ever done something like that before (and never will again of course), but I just can't stop thinking about his wife. What if she finds out? What if it wrecks their marriage? What if it gets around work? The possible implications of that one night are huge and I feel so out of my depth. I just want to crawl under a rock! I'm on annual leave so won't be back in work until Friday, but knowing I have them (and him) just fills me with dread.

I don't know why I'm even posting this, I know I run the risk of being savaged by people and I accept that...but I just need to get it out and for someone to either tell me they've been in the same situation or maybe how to handle it (without quitting work preferably!) I know that what I did was awful, it's just so unlike me and I can't get the image of kissing him out of my head... What do I do?

Thanks guys, appreciate you taking the time to read/comment/not tear me apart

Captain Ginger

I think it's only fair to say that most of us have at one stage drank too much and done something stupid. To be honest he is the one who should be worrying, he ****ed up as he's married, Okay so yes you knew, and yes you might of partisipated in something that could lead to trouble, you should probably talk to the guy, explain that you didn't want to ruin anything and tell him it won't be happening again.

At the end of the day you walked away before it became too intimate, so fair play on that.

John Mason

it was only a kiss - relax

Zillah

You're being sillly. In my opinion, yes, it was a mistake to hook up with a married man but not nearly so bad as you seem to think. I presume you didn't start out the night thinking "He will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine". You're probably mostly embarrassed because you got drunk and made a bit of an eejit of yourself. If there was any wrong doing it was his and it's up to him to decide what to do. When you go into work keep your head high and act like absolutely nothing is wrong, nothing happened. He'll probably want to play along and be very relieved that you either don't remember or are willing to pretend.

And if no one saw you, for the love of God don't tell anyone.

lily lou

Aw you poor thing, you're not a terrible person, you stopped it before it went too far. He's the married one at the end of the day and I doubt everyone will find out as he's not going to want people knowing what he was up to.
The fact you feel so bad says a lot about you, but stop beating yourself up, it won't change anything.xx

PeakOutput

hes the cheater not you

its a bad thing to do but you should be able to move on just make sure you learn from it

Rigor Mortis

Your guilt speaks volumes. the fact that you care enough that its cutting you up says that you are a lot better than what you did.

little red

PeakOutput wrote: »

hes the cheater not you

its a bad thing to do but you should be able to move on just make sure you learn from it

+1

you obviously realise you made a mistake and it won't happen again therefore all you can do is put it behind you and move on, i doubt you will have to change jobs over this. most likely he will want to keep it quiet as much as you

LegacyUser

"it was only a kiss - relax"

More than that, I know it wasn't sex but it was enough; I won't go into details but it was heavy enough-proper drunken fumbling!

Thanks for the replies so far lads, I really too appreciate it; I know he's as bad as I am...I can only hope he's feeling as guilty as me, he should be! Just need to figure out how to be nonchalant on Friday and stop myself turning absolutely crimson when I see him. Also in answer to your question, a couple of other people know but they're friends of mine and know how bad it would be if it got out so I'm hoping it doesn't get out. God there's an incentive to know the one that's one too many anyway...

dlofnep

Does he have any kids? I'm not a fan of anyone who cheats. You both did, as you knew he had a wife. It was wrong of you. I'm not going to butter you up and say how great of a person you are for stopping.

You know that heavy feeling you have inside? Meet Mr. Guilt. He will hang around you long enough to make sure you don't do it again. You made your bed and now you're going to have to sleep in it.

And as for all those saying "it's just a kiss". If you're girlfriend or boyfriend kissed another person - Would it be just a kiss then?

Sorry Lisa, no sympathy here. Just forget it never happened. Talk to him about it. Tell him he is married and that you don't want to ruin it. Don't speak to him anymore.

IanCurtis

dlofnep wrote: »

Talk to him about it. Tell him he is married and that you don't want to ruin it. Don't speak to him anymore.

Don't speak to him at all. Just pretend it never happened and if anyone mentions it, laugh it off as nothing. Office gossip thrives on this kind of stuff, but if you laugh it off it'll be forgotten soon enough.

A messy business, but happens all the time. TBH I would avoid going to the next couple of nights out just until they've something else to talk about.

We all make mistakes, especially when drunk - put it down to experience.

Cupcake_Crisis

obviously you know did something wrong, thats why you feel so terrible about it. In my opinion, a kiss is most definatly still cheating, its an incredibly intimate act.

Whilst you are both to blame, he is the one with a wife and should have never even kissed you, or he should have been the one to stop it. The fact that he didnt doesnt say a lot for him a person.

If you can face him, just tell him that you were very drunk and not yourself and that you would appreciate if it went no further than the 2 of you. Im fairly sure he'll want the same thing if he wants to keep his marriage intact.

oh, and i wouldnt call yourself a slut. We all get drunk and stupid at times, its just unfortunate it happened to be with someone you worked with

democrates

PeakOutput wrote: »

hes the cheater not you

its a bad thing to do but you should be able to move on just make sure you learn from it

+1, he made a commitment on their wedding day and has betrayed that trust, this may not be the first time and how far was he willing to go?

He's the one who should turn crimson when you arrive back in work, depending on how drunk he was it may be fair to say that he took advantage of you when you were drunk to the point of being ill.

Be glad that despite this one slip up you believe in high standards and aren't of the ilk that classifies betrayal of trust as ok.

Wagon

Learn from it. You'd be suprisd how many women don't give a toss about things like that, saying it was all the lads fault and it's not their fault. And in fairness, I have less respect for men who do this. But from your post you seem to be really hit hard about it.

So stop it beating yourself up, it happened and it was a drunken cock up. Yes it was wrong but you regret it and that's enough. Let it go and don't hate yourself. None of us are saints.

tbh

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."

You did something drunk you would never do sober. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, one mistake doesn't make you a bad person.

Wibbs

Guilt is a funny one. IMHO lot of guilt is down to self pity. I think a lot of it is also down to fear of doing something like that again, or shock that you would do it in the first place. If you know you wont how can you be guilty?

ALFIET

The scurge of company christmas nights out.....

These things happen.

While it wont be easy you simply have to hold your head up high and face the music.

When you return to work act as normal. Do not engage in conversation with other colleagues about it. Do not talk to the Married Co Worker about it unless he instigates it and then simply acknowledge as a stupid drunken mistake which will never be happening again.

Things will settle down about it

The fact that you have a few days off after it are making the situ worse as you are now imagining the worst. However worse things could have happened. So far all that has been damaged is a little of your pride and self respect. Halt any further discussions on it so it doesnt go any further.

And look on the bright side, the company party is an extension of work, so any misbehaviour could lead to people being disciplined etc... at least all you have to face is a little embarrassment.

jessbeth

Don't beat yourself up, just consider it a lesson learned. I would just pretend like nothing happened when I see the guy, say you had a total blackout and if he tells you what happened tell him that your so embarrassed and can't remember and would never have done it in your right mind. (In other words letting him know that it will never happen again).

LegacyUser

Listen, I did something similar before, it was not with a married man though. Its me thats in a relationship.

I got stupid drunk and went off snogging with a 21 year old lad, I am 40 and in a relationship. My other half also works for the same company but in a different building.
So you can imagine my terror that it would get back to my partner. I was mortified and riddled with guilt.

To the people saying "it was only a kiss" -what happened to me was of course the 21 year old didn't admit it was just a kiss and the rumour went around that I had rode the lad IN THE PUB! I know for a fact I didn't but I might as well have because thats what everyone else believed.

Anyway, it served me right, I had put myself in that position. Drink -but I should have known better. My other half never found out but I just had to hold up my head and brazen it out in work. There was nothing else I could do.

Ring a few colleagues and find out what is going around and who knows what. Try to get the truth out there (your side of the story) as quick as possible, becuase people will talk and make it a lot worse than it actually was.

Drink and work do's dont mix, if only I could take my own advice.

Hold your head up and face it, it will be a nine day wonder until something more juicy comes along for the office gossips.

The sooner you face it the sooner its history.

Carraig

Mistake wrote: »

Ring a few colleagues and find out what is going around and who knows what. Try to get the truth out there (your side of the story) as quick as possible, becuase people will talk and make it a lot worse than it actually was.

Drink and work do's dont mix, if only I could take my own advice.

Hold your head up and face it, it will be a nine day wonder until something more juicy comes along for the office gossips.

The sooner you face it the sooner its history.

+1
This makes eminent sense.

Don't go in and pretend that nothing happened. You need to talkto your man and explain your mortification and the fact that despite the drink it wasn't in vino veritas, i.e let him know directly, and in no uncertain terms, that it was a rush of blood to the head and that you don't want to make anything of it now or in the future (married men can have a funny reaction to being kissed by single women.)

LegacyUser

Went into work today to pick up some bits of work I needed to get done (annual leave my ass) and of course as soon as I walked in, who did I see only him. He walked away as quickly as I did; couldn't even look at me, didn't say anything, which in a way I'm glad of because at least it looks like he feels as awkward/embarrassed as I do. I'm fairly sure others know; there were a few snide comments made about the other night but for the most part I think I'll have to take the advice of several posters, who said "brazen it out and hold your head high". It was as much my fault as his; yes he cheated on his wife but I got myself into that drunken state and went along with it. Its sad though, as we used to get on quite well. That will change now I guess but it's a small price to pay.

My stomach has been churning all week, and have actually vomited twice at the thought of going back on Friday. Literally have never known feelings like this. It's just so out of character and the flashbacks are not helping. My mind is playing tricks on me big time and I'm starting to convince myself that more went on that I just can't remember (which I know deep down is silly).

If anything at least I've learnt-DON'T allow myself get like that at a work do again (or anywhere for that matter). Christ what a mess!

Victor

lisa_t wrote: »

My stomach has been churning all week, and have actually vomited twice at the thought of going back on Friday. Literally have never known feelings like this. It's just so out of character and the flashbacks are not helping. My mind is playing tricks on me big time and I'm starting to convince myself that more went on that I just can't remember (which I know deep down is silly).

Its stress, it rarely kills.

If you want, wander along to the pharmacy and see if they have something to settle your stomach.

democrates

lisa_t wrote: »

Went into work today to pick up some bits of work I needed to get done (annual leave my ass) and of course as soon as I walked in, who did I see only him. He walked away as quickly as I did; couldn't even look at me, didn't say anything, which in a way I'm glad of because at least it looks like he feels as awkward/embarrassed as I do. I'm fairly sure others know; there were a few snide comments made about the other night but for the most part I think I'll have to take the advice of several posters, who said "brazen it out and hold your head high". It was as much my fault as his; yes he cheated on his wife but I got myself into that drunken state and went along with it. Its sad though, as we used to get on quite well. That will change now I guess but it's a small price to pay.

My stomach has been churning all week, and have actually vomited twice at the thought of going back on Friday. Literally have never known feelings like this. It's just so out of character and the flashbacks are not helping. My mind is playing tricks on me big time and I'm starting to convince myself that more went on that I just can't remember (which I know deep down is silly).

If anything at least I've learnt-DON'T allow myself get like that at a work do again (or anywhere for that matter). Christ what a mess!

You poor thing. Well at least the dreaded part is over now.

As for any petty snipes with snide comments, don't give them the pleasure of a reaction or seeing you turning into a cowering apologist. Head high, extra attention to your friends and make a point of having a hearty laugh. Take care love and have a great Christmas.