Jealousy is frustrating me

LegacyUser

In advance sorry about the length...

Basically, I've been going out with a fabulous guy for nearly 2 months now. We get on amazingly well, and I feel so comfortable around him compared to anyone i've met before. Everything was great up until a very good friend of mine.
This friend is an outgoing, friendly, flirty girl who always outshadows me all the time, it's not as if she's better than me at everything but always gets a lot more attention and credit than me.
In comparison to her, I am extremely shy and well, i guess insecure seeing as I am writing this thread. I am very quiet up until I get to know people, and then I can be nearly the opposite, am always up for a laugh, and would not consider myself to be extreme in any way, i would not get annoyed over little things, and even if i did, i dont let it show.

Now, after getting to know my bf through me, they get on really well, and thats all good, except i often feel as if she is being very flirty with him and tell each other (jokingly) that they love each other. She also sometimes texts him, often when i'm around her, which i feel is quite strange seen as i'd never text her boyfriend(of nearly 2 years) even though i'd consider him a very good friend. She also kisses my bf on the cheek sometimes, and there was a time on the bus, she was sitting in front of him with her bf, and when he put his hand on the seat in front she took his hand. He apologised to me, but continued to hold her hand and also took mine. Nothing to that extent has happened since then.

I know, and keep telling myself it means nothing, that he would never do anything to hurt me, as he is the most genuine guy i know, and i do feel he loves me. But it's just so frustrating, as i get so paranoid that I am only second favourite, i always feel, "oh he'd probably prefer to go out with her". I basically have that horrible insecurity where every girl is a potential threat. I guess I should also add, he's my first proper boyfriend, so probably has a lot to do with it.
I sometimes get so worked up about it that I just fade out of conversation and feel invisible. I really do not want to say anything to either of them, scared of appearing like some paranoid, jealous freak, but it's really getting me down.
How can I get it out of my head? =(

Kevster

Hi,

You're perfectly entitled to be feeling angry over this. I wouldn't use the word 'jealous' though, because that implies that the problem is with you (when, in fact, it's him and her that are the problem). But look at what you're doing to yourself here: You're staying quiet about it and aren't letting your feelings being heard. I know that you said you are shy, but forget about that because this is your happiness that is on the line. The situation cannot continue forever the way it is, right? So, something will eventually have to change - why not just change it now?

Speak up and let your frustrations known. If your boyfriend doesn't show any care for you when you speak-up, then you should question whether or not he genuinely loves and wants to be with you. However, don't just assume this without talking.

Kevin

R.D. aka MR.D

Try talking to your friend and say in the nicest way possible that it makes you uncomfortable.

ask her how she would feel if you behaved like that with her boyfriend.

If she is your friend she will understand. also have a talk with your boyfriend and explain that you don't like it.

your friend may just think shes having harmless fun you need to let her know its harming you

codeblack

i agree with the above posters, what you're feeling is to be completely expected in this situation. I wouldnt be happy with the situation at all if i were in your shoes, sure by all means they should be friends but theres a line and i feel they are crossing it. But i understand your worry about saying something, you don't want to seem like the "bad person" who is acting jealous etc but surely if they both care about you ( as a boyfriend and friend should) you feeling uncomfortable about their behaviour sometimes would matter to them

Jack B. Badd

Unregistered wrote: »

there was a time on the bus, she was sitting in front of him with her bf, and when he put his hand on the seat in front she took his hand. He apologised to me, but continued to hold her hand and also took mine.

I thought there was a good chance that you were just being insecure up until this point and then I had to go back and check how long you'd be going out because this is the type of behaviour I'd expect of someone in a very comfortable relationship of years rather than months. While it may have been very innocent on your boyfriend's (and friend's) part it's the type of thing I would consider to be fantastically insensitive unless you were totally sure that your OH didn't have an issue with it. I genuinely don't think you could tell from going out with someone for a few months so I think this was action was badly misjudged on his part.

As for what to do, sitting him down and discussing how him being overly familiar with your friend makes you feel would probably be your best bet imo.

LegacyUser

Hopefully I'm wrong OP, but to me it seems clear that there is something going on between your BF & the girl.. Even if it's nothing physical, emotional cheating can be just as bad. Especially if it's all going on right in front of you!

In my opinion, you have every right to be tickked off with the two of them. If I were you I'd just have to sort it all out(ie talk to both of them)...

Aloysius Flyte

Sounds like your friend is insecure and jealous. Maybe her relationship isn't going that well, or has gone stale.

Can you talk to her about it? Something like, "I'm so happy with xxxx. You seem to like him also. How's things going with your bf?" Get her talking and just say something like " My bf is so easy to get along with and I'm really happy that you like him, and while I know that you'd never do anything to hurt me, I'm not really comfortable with you holding his hand or kissing him."

If she takes it on the chin and is genuinely sorry, that's great. But if she reacts badly, and makes it about you, then there is a problem, but its with her.

Its not a nice situation to be in, good luck

LegacyUser

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Sounds like your friend is insecure and jealous. Maybe her relationship isn't going that well, or has gone stale.

Now that I think of it, she did tell me a few weeks back that she was jealous of me because she misses how it feels to be in a new relationship. It feels though that she may as well be in a new relationship the way she is carrying on.

The thing is, she pretty much acts like this with all the guys she knows, so i think it'd be unfair to say something to her, because, i dunno, that's just the way she is. She just cant help being flirty with everyone, and I really don't want to risk our friendship as she may think I'm attacking her personality. I'm just too scared and embarrassed to say anything. =/

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ugh, sounds horrible. She's being a bitch but he must be reciprocating for her to continue pulling this crap. I wouldn't want her as a friend if she behaves that way and being brutally honest reading between the lines have to say fairly suspicious your boyfriend would rather be with her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Can you talk to her about it? Something like, "I'm so happy with xxxx. You seem to like him also. How's things going with your bf?" Get her talking and just say something like " My bf is so easy to get along with and I'm really happy that you like him, and while I know that you'd never do anything to hurt me, I'm not really comfortable with you holding his hand or kissing him."

But that would be bullsh*t, the op doesn't have any reason to believe the "friend" would never hurt her. I'm all for being nice but that's fake nice which isn't on.

LegacyUser

you need to stand up to this pair and dont be so afraid to hurt her or lose her friendship,good friends dont do that sort of thing,if she is flirty she can save her efforts for single fellas and your boyfriend is happy to go along with her without a thought of how it mite feel for you..i would advise you to ditch them both hun,your 2 good for that!

yomamasflavour

From what you've said, its still fairly innocent but I wouldn't let it go any further.

Look at it from his point of view, he has the attention of her flirting her bum of with him, and he also has you acting a little bit jealous over her - He's probably loving it (I know I would!;))

Don't take a back seat, he's your boyfriend, make it very clear to him that that's the case - (try flirting too - showing off, if she kisses him on the cheek go over and shift the head off him, y'know be assertive with him )

As he's your first boyfriend, I should point out that with guys in general, you really do have to SPELL things out for us, otherwise we'd never figure anything out:D

Jack B. Badd

yomamasflavour wrote: »

y'know be assertive

I think you spelled "passive-aggressive" incorrectly. OP, the kind of behaviour mentioned immediately above will probably just encourage them, promote a tit-for-tat attitude with her and do nothing to address the actual problem.

marti101

I think you have to say something before something does happen.How long are youi friends with her.I know she might always be like this but i think she hates to see you happy is there any chance you could talk to her bf and see if anything is amiss.Dont mention to him bout what they are getting up to but see if he notices it and take your cue form there.But honestly at this stage in your relationship you are in the honeymoon stage and he should be all over you and not even notice anyone else.Speak up otherwise you are letting it happen.

Katgurl

I don't think there is anythign too sinister going on here bar your boyfriend & your so-called friend are behaving like a pair of attention-seeking ****. I wouldn't put up with it.

I'd put her on the spot with it "don't you have your own boyfriend to hold hands with" / "are you feeling affection-starved?" or something like that with a huge smile on your face to the friend.

Ask your boyfriend if he'd be happy if it was other way round. If he doesn't pay attention, which let's face it, he probably won't as all boys hear in those situations is nag, nag, nag demonstrate it by getting ridiculous with one of his mates. then when he starts whinging raise your eyebrows and say "remember what we were discussing before..."

Then forget all about it.

I've a couple of things to say to the op:

1.Fabulous guy is with you-theres a reason for this so don't mull any further about it.
2.Your BF if he's like me or any man will not spurn attention from someone else-we have a tendency to lap it up actually,it's an inherent flaw in us.Don't mistake this for wanting to dump you and move to your friends arms.


As regards your friend,If you feels she is crowding your relationship,if I were you I'd just cut down the number of opportunities she has to flirt with your Mr Fabulous.
You won't be able to cut all contact as she now has his number but you can do enough to make yourself happy.

Relax

LegacyUser

I had a similar problem myself last year,I think if your friend is doing something to make you uncomfortable then it should be addressed. I dont think there is an affair there but I dont think you have the friend you think you have. Who does she think she is looking for attention from your boyfriend?shes painfully insecure.Tell her that you dont behave that way to her boyfriend and that you would appreciate the same respect, if she refuses to rein in behaviour that makes you uncomfortable then she is not a friend of yours.I know men like attention, but your boyfriend should not want attention from your friend when it makes you uncomfortable.What Im trying to say is, surely they can live without holding hands and exchanging declarations of love, however jokingly, for your sake, it that really to much of a sacrifice for them? If it is, then run a mile. . Look after yourself in this case dont let them make you feel bad for disliking their tacky and unnecessary behaviour.Its unbelievably immature of them.

Slaygal

Speak up now, I was at the other end, I was friendly, not flirting not holding hands or kissing on the cheek with friends boyfriend, My friend was uncomfortable with it but never told me it built up until she had a go at me ( fair enough) I apologised many times but she told me to Eff off . Don't lose a friendship like I did.

dellym123

tricky.... if i was in your situation, im not saying to do this, but its just probably a tactic i might try! I would stop meeting up with him and her at the same time(as much as possible) meet her one day and him most other days.ensure they have minimal contact.ask her what is she texting him , and why is she texting him.u have every right to know.
when u have him on his own bring up the topic , very casually, of ... say.. flirting or cheating, make up a story from the past!? like ' i was once with this guy and things were great, met his mates one day and one of them kept tryin to hold ur hand and grab ur attention after afew drinks' then air ur opinion on this behaviour. say u were utterly disgusted, especially cause he had the cheek to do it in front of ur ex. if anything , it will get him thinking and in an inadvertent manner, u have approached the subject without referring to u, ur mate or him. life is a game, sometimes take the bull by the horns and play it!

Although u say that it is in ur mates nature to be flirty, there is a certain line she should not cross. Ur OH is probably enjoying the attention and maybe figures u dont have a problem with her being so flirty with him. I would hate if my boyfriend flirted back, question her motives. Maybe she is actually insecure and jealous of you? I wouldnt put up with that anyway.
Hope it works out for u