Girl offering sex, not sure what to do

LegacyUser

Well... the title of this thread pretty much sums the story up.


But for those who want the long version....



Met a girl about a year ago. We were at a book signing at Easons. Had similar interests (obviously) and got on pretty well.

Generally speaking, im a very, very, very shy person. Very. So it was more my friend that was talking to her (she was with her boyfriend) and I'd chime in whenever necessary (i usually keep my input into conversations limited).


Anyway... Somehow added her on MSN (i think my friend got her msn address, and i got it off him, but can't remember, not too important anyway) and we talked on there for a while.

We got on well on msn and arranged to meet up (in a friend kinda way. She had still got her boyfriend of 7 years). She never really expressed an interest in me, and i never really did in her either (although she's very, erm, 'busty', so i did make the occasional joke about that).

Anyway, yada, yada, yada, skip to a few weeks ago and in a conversation on MSN she says she wants to.. you know.

I'm a bit surprised and dont really know what to say, and assume its either someone else using her PC taking the piss, or she's having a laugh. Turns out its her, and shes actually serious. I kinda want to go ahead and do it (or do her, to be more specific) but i cower out of it. Partly because i think she may be using me to end her relationship (by getting caught with me accidentally on purpose) as she expressed a few times in the conversation that she wasn't very happy.


Skip to today and she's broken up for two months. Her offer is still there. She looks great. She's a really nice person. Who wouldn't do her?






... Me, apparently.


Back story for me; I don't have many friends (Kinda like social anxiety disorder, so don't get out much), im horribly overweight, not very experienced at sex (still a virgin, although have recieved oral sex) and generally have a very pessimistic attitude about things (aren't i a catch :rolleyes: )


So.. although I'd love to go ahead and do this with her, everytime i think about it, i think of her being much too use to sex with her former 7-year boyfriend, me being incredibly nervous (what with the lack of experience, being overweight and generally clumsy) and both of us putting on the worst sexual act ever performed by mankind.


So, i pose a question to you, Mr. and Ms. boards posters... What would you do?


1. Go for it.

Pros: Great sex, both see each other more and get on better, confidence, memory to look back on and something i can brag to myself about (also opens the window of opportunity to do more things with her in general)

Cons: Horrible sex, shattered confidence, general awkwardness whenever in her company again (i should point out its incredibly rare that i'd actually see her in person, probably 4 times a year if even that), potentially ruined sex-life and possibility of adapting an attitude of indifference for sex (and a love for porn :P )


or


2. Forget about it

Pros: Continue living as I am. Remain friendly with her.

Cons: A lot of "what if" thoughts in my head for a while. I know i'll have to go through a similar phase again in the future at some point in time.



I obviously haven't covered all of the pros/cons of it, but im sure its all pretty easy to understand.


So, put yourself in my shoes. She likes me (i've no idea why, i dont look good at all)and i like her, but going ahead with this could lead to one of the most (if not the most) embarrassing moments of my life) but could also be great. If i dont go for it, nothing gained, nothing lost.




What Would Boards Do?

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

When you say you are overweight, how so? Obese or chubby? I consider myself fat, yet nobody else seems to think so. Are you being too... what's the word... critical of yourself? Maybe this girl doesn't see you as being overweight at all...

I would normally say, feck it, go for it and enjoy your intimate time with her but I will offer some advice and hope it helps you somewhat.

There are a few things to take into consideration. After 7 years being together 2 months is not such a long breakup. Maybe she has a high sexdrive and confides in you. Therefore she feels safe having sex with you? Eh, kinda hard to explain.

If you guys are good friends then is that something you guys would keep going afterwards? I often wounder is sex, or a relationship worth ruining a frienship over? One half of me thinks yea, the other half thinks no.

You need to do what is best for you, either take the opportunity or continue the way things are. Will you regret it? Losing her as a mate, or missing out on this chance. What is more important.

I would talk to her about this too, express your concerns. To an extent, don't go into it too much. Eg,

"Are you sure you are ok with this? I mean I do value our friendship and I hope this doesn't interfere with what we have" Or something like that.


I forgot to mention, sex is great even if you make a mess of things. From my experience, it doesn't matter if you are a pro or not. Both parties should enjoy it as much as possible. It will not go horribly wrong. I was the same mate, and guess what. It went ok. Not great, but not bad either...

Manic Moran

What Would Boards Do?

Well, being a modern heterosexual male of loose morals, this particular boardsie would reply to the woman and go on a date.

NTM

Steve.Pseudonym

Brother, go for it. If you keep running you'll be running forever, better to try and see how things work out than to hide. I understand your reservations about how you look, but she likes something about you, just go on the strength of that. Besides, we all think we're worse looking than we are. Don't worry about being terrible in bed, there are plenty of people out there who are shíte at it who have had plenty of experience, and conversely people who are good without all that much. Do it. Wait no longer. Go now, this very moment.

wasper

odd_situation wrote: »

Well... the title of this thread pretty much sums the story up.


But for those who want the long version....



Met a girl about a year ago. We were at a book signing at Easons. Had similar interests (obviously) and got on pretty well.

Generally speaking, im a very, very, very shy person. Very. So it was more my friend that was talking to her (she was with her boyfriend) and I'd chime in whenever necessary (i usually keep my input into conversations limited).


Anyway... Somehow added her on MSN (i think my friend got her msn address, and i got it off him, but can't remember, not too important anyway) and we talked on there for a while.

We got on well on msn and arranged to meet up (in a friend kinda way. She had still got her boyfriend of 7 years). She never really expressed an interest in me, and i never really did in her either (although she's very, erm, 'busty', so i did make the occasional joke about that).

Anyway, yada, yada, yada, skip to a few weeks ago and in a conversation on MSN she says she wants to.. you know.

I'm a bit surprised and dont really know what to say, and assume its either someone else using her PC taking the piss, or she's having a laugh. Turns out its her, and shes actually serious. I kinda want to go ahead and do it (or do her, to be more specific) but i cower out of it. Partly because i think she may be using me to end her relationship (by getting caught with me accidentally on purpose) as she expressed a few times in the conversation that she wasn't very happy.


Skip to today and she's broken up for two months. Her offer is still there. She looks great. She's a really nice person. Who wouldn't do her?






... Me, apparently.


Back story for me; I don't have many friends (Kinda like social anxiety disorder, so don't get out much), im horribly overweight, not very experienced at sex (still a virgin, although have recieved oral sex) and generally have a very pessimistic attitude about things (aren't i a catch :rolleyes: )


So.. although I'd love to go ahead and do this with her, everytime i think about it, i think of her being much too use to sex with her former 7-year boyfriend, me being incredibly nervous (what with the lack of experience, being overweight and generally clumsy) and both of us putting on the worst sexual act ever performed by mankind.


So, i pose a question to you, Mr. and Ms. boards posters... What would you do?


1. Go for it.

Pros: Great sex, both see each other more and get on better, confidence, memory to look back on and something i can brag to myself about (also opens the window of opportunity to do more things with her in general)

Cons: Horrible sex, shattered confidence, general awkwardness whenever in her company again (i should point out its incredibly rare that i'd actually see her in person, probably 4 times a year if even that), potentially ruined sex-life and possibility of adapting an attitude of indifference for sex (and a love for porn :P )


or


2. Forget about it

Pros: Continue living as I am. Remain friendly with her.

Cons: A lot of "what if" thoughts in my head for a while. I know i'll have to go through a similar phase again in the future at some point in time.



I obviously haven't covered all of the pros/cons of it, but im sure its all pretty easy to understand.


So, put yourself in my shoes. She likes me (i've no idea why, i dont look good at all)and i like her, but going ahead with this could lead to one of the most (if not the most) embarrassing moments of my life) but could also be great. If i dont go for it, nothing gained, nothing lost.




What Would Boards Do?

Number 1 option, Let her wear you down in bed. You might even like it.
Seriously you should grasp this opportunity.

ShawnRaven

Let me get this straight, loose woman calling you for a service?
Dear diary... JACKPOT!

Nah seriously, no such thing as bad sex on your first time. Try and slip it into a conversation prior to it that you've never done it before unless you really feel confident.

Then if she's happy with the deed, then you can drop the bombshell on her and really f*cking surprise her!

I'd go for it, If it's NSA, It has to happen sometime and the more you put it off, the more you're torturing yourself. Unless you actually like her and want something serious out of it then put it off for a few weeks.

Good luck!

mikemac

I didn't read the entire post, just the title

Go for it!

hungryhippo

Fill your boots mate. You are worried because you are inexperienced, but the only way to gain experience is having a bash. What's the worst that can happen? You need to pop your cherry.

Overheal

Im thinking that if the virgin thing is an issue for you, then go for it - then it wont bother you anymore. right? right.

Fajitas!

Go for it

If you've got your concerns, you seem to be good enough friends to tell her about them. And if she had a problem with you being overweight, she wouldn't be offering sex. Simple as.

Kya1976

Just go for it dude, you'll love it lots

Wibbs

Do something basically. While there is an oft reported trend of eating too much nowadays, IMHO there's an equal trend of people thinking too much. Stop knocking it back and forth in your head and make a decision. How to figure which one? In a case like this(and others) the one that scares you the most. That's the one that'll cause growth. If it comes to it, wear a condom.

Lets play spot the decision I think you should go for. Lets say it goes badly wrong in the sack, real worse case scenario stuff? So? You've done something new, your life experience has been added to and you've learned something. That can't be bad. If you think your way around this until nothing happens? Well then nothing has changed. I know which way I would go. You will regret far more the things undone than those done.

marti101

Go for it she obviously likes something about you/And the only e=way you will gain experience is to go for it,she sounds clued enough in that if you confide in her im sure she will understand.If its losing your virginity and your nervous thats alright everybody is but once you get the hang of it you ll be wondering why you wasted all those years.I hope it goes well and well enjoy.:D

chump

Do it,

but maybe you should also do something about your social anxiety and overweight issue

af_thefragile

You could go for it.
Her boyfriend is gonna end up hating you for his life, but well, if she likes you more, maybe she can be happier with you...

Its really upto you. I don't think you'll really regret any decision you make.

Mr. Presentable

Go for it. You'll never regret taking the chance half as much as you'll regret not taking it.

LegacyUser

Hello again all.

Selena Orange Ash wrote:

When you say you are overweight, how so? Obese or chubby? I consider myself fat, yet nobody else seems to think so. Are you being too... what's the word... critical of yourself? Maybe this girl doesn't see you as being overweight at all...

Oh, I'm definitely overweight. I'm big. Don't know if I'd be obese or not, but I'm definitely big.

Selena Orange Ash wrote:

If you guys are good friends then is that something you guys would keep going afterwards? I often wounder is sex, or a relationship worth ruining a frienship over? One half of me thinks yea, the other half thinks no.

As i say, we aren't exactly the closest of friends. But i don't think it'd ruin our friendship anyway (although im sure lots of people thought that and it happened anyway)

Selena Orange Ash wrote:

I would talk to her about this too, express your concerns. To an extent, don't go into it too much. Eg,

"Are you sure you are ok with this? I mean I do value our friendship and I hope this doesn't interfere with what we have" Or something like that.

She's aware of my concerns. As i said, the offer came up a few weeks ago, and i cowered out of it (but at least i was honest and acknowledged i was cowering out of it :P )

Selena Orange Ash wrote:

I forgot to mention, sex is great even if you make a mess of things. From my experience, it doesn't matter if you are a pro or not. Both parties should enjoy it as much as possible. It will not go horribly wrong. I was the same mate, and guess what. It went ok. Not great, but not bad either...

Well i'll most certainly take that into consideration. Thanks for the reply.

ShawnRaven wrote:

no such thing as bad sex on your first time. Try and slip it into a conversation prior to it that you've never done it before unless you really feel confident.

She knows i've never done it before. She's very open where sex is concerned. I kind of am, too. Although it doesn't really come up in conversation with people much or anything. I'm not ashamed of being a virgin or anything (if i was i'd never have made this thread).

ShawnRaven wrote:

Unless you actually like her and want something serious out of it then put it off for a few weeks.

I don't think she likes me in that 'long term' kinda way at all. I think this offer, probably stands... I don't know why actually. Probably out of sympathy. I can understand I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really is, and i realise all of you experienced guys are probably sitting reading this thinking "what the f*ck is this guy on?", but i dont really know what to think about it.

Wibbs wrote: »

If it comes to it, wear a condom.

No offence, but thats more common sense than anything, really, isn't it?

Wibbs wrote:

Lets play spot the decision I think you should go for. Lets say it goes badly wrong in the sack, real worse case scenario stuff? So? You've done something new, your life experience has been added to and you've learned something. That can't be bad. If you think your way around this until nothing happens? Well then nothing has changed. I know which way I would go. You will regret far more the things undone than those done.

You make a good point. Its kinda the same feel as the rest of posts.


So everyones is pretty much all for going for it then? Where are the women of this board?

chump wrote: »

but maybe you should also do something about your social anxiety and overweight issue

I should. But its much easier said than done.






Thanks for the help so far guys.

RKDus

So a hot girl with big tits wants to have sex with you, and you don't know what to do? Dude, this is a no brainer. Stop worrying and over-complicating things.

You obviously have low self confidence, so try to have more faith in your own opinion and attach more importance to the things you want, and less to what others want (relatively speaking). I know thats easy to say and hard to do, so try just "pretending" to be really confident. Other people mostly won't notice the difference, and you will be training yourself to be confident for real.

Good luck!

starn

You have massily overthought this thing. Either way make a descion on it in by the end of today.
Pro Your no longer a virgin( Which seems your main gripe) and have a new relationship to boot

Con: You toss what ifs thru yor head for the next twenty years.

I dodnt care which on e you chose. Just decide

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

chump wrote: »

Do it,

but maybe you should also do something about your social anxiety and overweight issue

Nothing wrong about being over weight, but I will say one thing, it could benifit your confidence if you get fit and tackle it. Only if YOU see it as being a problem. Nobody else.

starn

and its not that odd a situation

Tar.Aldarion

I won't be able to help you without pictures of her.
Anyway yeah, why wouldn't you tbh.

wallycool

We are all here for a good time and not that long either. What does it matter what she thinks of you , you go and enjoy yourself and beat it into her :pac:

Húrin

odd_situation wrote: »

So, i pose a question to you, Mr. and Ms. boards posters... What would you do?


1. Go for it.

Pros: Great sex, both see each other more and get on better, confidence, memory to look back on and something i can brag to myself about (also opens the window of opportunity to do more things with her in general)

Cons: Horrible sex, shattered confidence, general awkwardness whenever in her company again (i should point out its incredibly rare that i'd actually see her in person, probably 4 times a year if even that), potentially ruined sex-life and possibility of adapting an attitude of indifference for sex (and a love for porn :P )


or


2. Forget about it

Pros: Continue living as I am. Remain friendly with her.

Cons: A lot of "what if" thoughts in my head for a while. I know i'll have to go through a similar phase again in the future at some point in time.



I obviously haven't covered all of the pros/cons of it, but im sure its all pretty easy to understand.


So, put yourself in my shoes. She likes me (i've no idea why, i dont look good at all)and i like her, but going ahead with this could lead to one of the most (if not the most) embarrassing moments of my life) but could also be great. If i dont go for it, nothing gained, nothing lost.




What Would Boards Do?

There are more than two options!

How about 3. Meet up and talk to her?

I think it's quite suspect that she didn't even ask you out. She just asked for sex on the internet, it's weird. You should try to find out why... attacking her ex-boyfriend may be a motive, and you shouldn't get involved in that.

Diarmey

I didn't read the entire post, just the title

Go for it!

Right on brother...:cool:

Sinfonia

Let's lose this pessimism:

odd_situation wrote: »

Cons: Horrible sex /It's still sex, and it can only get better/, shattered confidence /Don't LET it bother you, and you'll find that it won't/, general awkwardness whenever in her company again (i should point out its incredibly rare that i'd actually see her in person, probably 4 times a year if even that /So no big problem there then/), potentially ruined sex-life and possibility of adapting an attitude of indifference for sex (and a love for porn :P ) /Absolute bollocks to be honest: potentially ruined sex-life? You confess to currently having none - build one!/

or

2. Forget about it

Pros: Continue living as I am. Remain friendly with her. /Bo-ring/

Cons: A lot of "what if" thoughts in my head for a while. I know i'll have to go through a similar phase again in the future at some point in time. /Exactly. Grab life by the balls/

In short, get over yourself and do it.

Darragh29

odd_situation wrote: »

Well... the title of this thread pretty much sums the story up.


But for those who want the long version....



Met a girl about a year ago. We were at a book signing at Easons. Had similar interests (obviously) and got on pretty well.

Generally speaking, im a very, very, very shy person. Very. So it was more my friend that was talking to her (she was with her boyfriend) and I'd chime in whenever necessary (i usually keep my input into conversations limited).


Anyway... Somehow added her on MSN (i think my friend got her msn address, and i got it off him, but can't remember, not too important anyway) and we talked on there for a while.

We got on well on msn and arranged to meet up (in a friend kinda way. She had still got her boyfriend of 7 years). She never really expressed an interest in me, and i never really did in her either (although she's very, erm, 'busty', so i did make the occasional joke about that).

Anyway, yada, yada, yada, skip to a few weeks ago and in a conversation on MSN she says she wants to.. you know.

I'm a bit surprised and dont really know what to say, and assume its either someone else using her PC taking the piss, or she's having a laugh. Turns out its her, and shes actually serious. I kinda want to go ahead and do it (or do her, to be more specific) but i cower out of it. Partly because i think she may be using me to end her relationship (by getting caught with me accidentally on purpose) as she expressed a few times in the conversation that she wasn't very happy.


Skip to today and she's broken up for two months. Her offer is still there. She looks great. She's a really nice person. Who wouldn't do her?






... Me, apparently.


Back story for me; I don't have many friends (Kinda like social anxiety disorder, so don't get out much), im horribly overweight, not very experienced at sex (still a virgin, although have recieved oral sex) and generally have a very pessimistic attitude about things (aren't i a catch :rolleyes: )


So.. although I'd love to go ahead and do this with her, everytime i think about it, i think of her being much too use to sex with her former 7-year boyfriend, me being incredibly nervous (what with the lack of experience, being overweight and generally clumsy) and both of us putting on the worst sexual act ever performed by mankind.


So, i pose a question to you, Mr. and Ms. boards posters... What would you do?


1. Go for it.

Pros: Great sex, both see each other more and get on better, confidence, memory to look back on and something i can brag to myself about (also opens the window of opportunity to do more things with her in general)

Cons: Horrible sex, shattered confidence, general awkwardness whenever in her company again (i should point out its incredibly rare that i'd actually see her in person, probably 4 times a year if even that), potentially ruined sex-life and possibility of adapting an attitude of indifference for sex (and a love for porn :P )


or


2. Forget about it

Pros: Continue living as I am. Remain friendly with her.

Cons: A lot of "what if" thoughts in my head for a while. I know i'll have to go through a similar phase again in the future at some point in time.



I obviously haven't covered all of the pros/cons of it, but im sure its all pretty easy to understand.


So, put yourself in my shoes. She likes me (i've no idea why, i dont look good at all)and i like her, but going ahead with this could lead to one of the most (if not the most) embarrassing moments of my life) but could also be great. If i dont go for it, nothing gained, nothing lost.




What Would Boards Do?

This is my 2 cent's worth...You worry too much!

FionnMatthew

Please, everyone, don't jump on me. I see a really homegenous collection of pieces of advice, a lot of which I rather seriously disagree with, and want to throw my POV out there, just in case it's more appropriate to the situation.

With this:

Sinfonia wrote: »

Let's lose this pessimism:
It's still sex, and it can only get better
Don't LET it bother you, and you'll find that it won't
Potentially ruined sex-life? You confess to currently having none - build one!
In short, get over yourself and do it.

, This:

ShawnRiven wrote:

Nah seriously, no such thing as bad sex on your first time.

And this:

Selena Orange Ash wrote:

I forgot to mention, sex is great even if you make a mess of things.Both parties should enjoy it as much as possible. It will not go horribly wrong. I was the same mate, and guess what. It went ok. Not great, but not bad either...

... I most unequivocally disagree. My first time was one of the most utterly demeaning experiences of my life, and something it took me months to recover from, psychologically. It was not "great," not by a long shot, and this really isn't a matter of my interpretative attitude to it. I've come to enjoy sex since then - but it was harder to go back to sex after that experience than having it for the first time.

Some people take a long time to prepare themselves for sexual experiences. It's a very powerful sort of experience, especially for a certain sort of person. Like taking certain kinds of drugs, there are ways to be responsible, and ensure that you'll be safe, and comfortable. Your needs might differ considerably from the next person, too. For me, the most important thing was an atmosphere of trust - something that, given the OP's worries, doesn't sound particularly likely here. It takes a while to build that up, and takes mutual patience and understanding in equal measures.

It took me a long time to find those conditions, and someone who was right for that. I have to say, the experience of sex is something better foregone without those conditions. It can be great fun, and can improve over time and with experience, but it really isn't the experience of heaven it's cracked up to be. It's profoundly unsatisfying if you build it up in your head until it's the holy grail. It's just another nice thing to do. It's different to other nice things. But it's not really any better. You are biologically determined to regard it, before the event as something that is superimportant. It seems as if it is the best thing in the world to seek. But it doesn't ever really pay off. You'll always just want more sex, in the same way. I think it's prudent to regard that biological drive with a certain amount of healthy skepticism and restraint. Holistically, there are far more important things to seek. No big deal.

But, and this is important, it can be a really big deal if it happens in the wrong way, especially for thoughtful, sensitive people. It's a big emotional risk zone. You're naked - with another person who you might not really know - emotionally vulnerable, as well as in other ways - you don't know exactly what you're doing, have all sorts of doubts - and this is a category of experience completely alien to you. The risk of emotional damage is telescoped. Any hurt caused in such an environment can cause lasting effects. It could make you feel much worse about a lot of the things you worry about.

nipplenuts wrote: »

Go for it. You'll never regret taking the chance half as much as you'll regret not taking it.

IMO, it's better not to take the sorts of risks that come naturally to many others, because, for me, the psychological side-effects of those risks were much harder to just shrug off. I really, really still regret taking that risk. I'm not a risk taker, and it is conspicuous to me that the biggest risk I ever took (emotionally) was the one I most regret. Risk taking, for certain psychologies, can be an emotional liability, and for such a person, is the worst possible way to conduct your affairs. If you are prone to depression, the best thing you can do is have some stability in your life, understand how to regulate your commitments and actions, and try and keep on even keel. This is incompatible with lurching from one risk to another, having to deal with the consequences of bad decisions, while, granted, enjoying the benefits of those decisions that turned out well by no more than chance, and having very little rational control over the external conditions which are so important to your happiness.

This doesn't mean not being with her. It does mean taking your time, and to hell with it if she doesn't want to move at your pace - because you are important too, and, let's face it - while "losing it" it might seem important to you - it really isn't. It really, really, really isn't. There are vast swathes of more important things in life than just sex. It can be a nice accessory, nothing better.

wibbs wrote:

Lets say it goes badly wrong in the sack, real worse case scenario stuff? So? You've done something new, your life experience has been added to and you've learned something. That can't be bad.

hungryhippo wrote:

What's the worst that can happen?

Really bad things can happen. The trauma of even nonviolent sexual experiences is something more commonly reported and complained of by women, but it is something which can effect men too.

None of us here (I hope) would object to the idea that minors should not be exposed to sexual experiences, because of the psychological effects that this can have on them. This is an acknowledgment of how psychologically powerful sexual experience is.

I say that some people, though mature in a great many other ways, can be comparable to a minor in terms of their receptivity to sexual experience. What can go wrong in such a situation is comparable, therefore, to what can go wrong with a minor (although it's probably regarded with far less sympathy by those for whom sexual experience is a frivilous pleasure.) Long lasting, deep seated psychological effects, which can effect your social aptitude, your sexual appetite and development, and your emotional life. Big stuff. Don't make little of that.

Darragh29 wrote: »

This is my 2 cent's worth...You worry too much!

wibbs wrote:

there's an equal trend of people thinking too much.

I don't agree with this. In my experience, the people who think too much are the people who need to do so, because they just aren't satisfied with the level of control over their lives and personal circumstances that not "thinking too much" would leave them with. There are certain social/cultural rites we are expected to enact without pause or reflection which, if we were to think about it, really aren't that attractive.

For years, the abuse of alcohol was something I felt uneasy about, but which my friends told me I was "thinking too much about." But, really, I wasn't. Because drinking represents that same loss of control over actions and personal identity which I fear, and have good, rational cause to fear. The abuse of alcohol is widespread in our culture, and it is considered a social norm. But when I look out into the street, I see people whose rational agency is compromised weekly by that social norm - and this is just not something I would want to relinquish. And hence, I don't believe that the thinking which leads me to "deprive myself" of the "wonderful social niceties" of alcohol abuse (as opposed to the gastronomical pleasures of foodstuffs and beverages containing alcohol) is an example of "thinking too much." And likewise, I don't believe the sort of cautiousness which I adhered to, following my traumatic mistake at the close of my virginity was a case of "overthinking it" either, since it brought me the only experience of sex that I would have ever wanted to have.

wibbs wrote:

Stop knocking it back and forth in your head and make a decision. How to figure which one? In a case like this(and others) the one that scares you the most. That's the one that'll cause growth. If it comes to it, wear a condom.

Or don't wear a condom? If THAT'S the decision that scares you most, right? Because unplanned pregnancy will cause growth too, and won't, therefore, be a rash or irresponsible thing for someone to do if he cares about the specific course his life shoud take.

Marksie

FionnMatthew wrote: »

Or don't wear a condom? If THAT'S the decision that scares you most, right? Because unplanned pregnancy will cause growth too, and won't, therefore, be a rash or irresponsible thing for someone to do if he cares about the specific course his life shoud take.

Or dont think about penetrative sex on the first time (take condoms just in case though).

First night disasters happen because people think they will happen they make them a self fulfilling prophecy.

Same idea applies here as in any performance issue scenario.
There is so much pressure put on penetrative sex that it casues the issue.
Get away from it..... first night nerves can be circumvented neatly enough by having a great time and using all the non-penetrative skills at ones disposal.
It can be much more intense and pleasurable than just haveing penetrative sex, so lift that one out of the whole equation by thinking outside of the box.

Blow both your minds before you even think of entering her.

FionnMatthew

Just to be clear, I think condoms are totally in order. Heck, wear two!

I was just trying to show the absurdity of the "do what scares you most" line of thinking.

Darragh29

@FionnMatthew

If you spent that much time thinking about everything you did you or didn't do, you would get absolutely nothing done. I used to be like this to a lesser degree, always analysing things to death and what I found one day was that by the time I had finished analysing something or broading over it, whatever opportunity that had been there and I had become fixated with studying and understanding, had actually passed me by and moved on!

Make a decision and stick to it! It might ultimately be the right decision. It might ultimately also be the wrong decision, if it is, learn the lesson and move on. If it isn't, enjoy!

kiffer

Fiona has clearly had a very traumatic time of it when she lost her virginity and while i don't agree with a lot of what she said I will agree with some things (and then twist them slightly )

Firstly, don't build sex up too much. It's fun but building it up too much can lead to disappointment.
And worrying about it too much before hand can create a self fulfilling thingamajig.

Great sex is amazing
Good sex is great
So so sex is good
Poor sex can go either way
Bad sex *can* be absolutly terrible.

Don't wear two condoms, wear one durex extra safe if you're worried about safety. Doubling up condoms can (i believe) increase the chance of ripping.

She knows it would be your first time and knows how nervous you are about it? Make sure she does before you make up your mind.

My first time i was really upset, i thought i'd finished to quick and that i was crap. (really upset).. But the girl reassured me that it was great and even though i didn't totally believe her I had a huge grin on my face for days afterwards.
What i'm trying to get at here is that it's not likely to be some horrible humiliating event unless she actively mocks you afterwards/during.
If it's enjoyed by all then you'll be happy.

Make sure you take your time and take ... steps to prevent what happened to me.

Idealy you should have sex with people you are in a loving relationship with.
Someone you care about and who cares about you.
Sex with out love is an empty experiance but as empty experiances go it's pretty d*mn good.

Argh posting from the bus has made me pretty incoherant sorry about any stupid errors or formatting.
Getting motion sick too so i've got to stop

FionnMatthew

Darragh29 wrote: »

@FionnMatthew

If you spent that much time thinking about everything you did you or didn't do, you would get absolutely nothing done. I used to be like this to a lesser degree, always analysing things to death and what I found one day was that by the time I had finished analysing something or broading over it, whatever opportunity that had been there and I had become fixated with studying and understanding, had actually passed me by and moved on!

Make a decision and stick to it! It might ultimately be the right decision. It might ultimately also be the wrong decision, if it is, learn the lesson and move on. If it isn't, enjoy!

With respect, I don't think that's exactly true. I've spent most of my life carefully thinking about what I do, and I've got an awful lot done in my life. In fact, I'm quite sure I would have made far more mistakes, and gotten an awful lot less worthwhile done if I hadn't been rational and honest with myself about what I was choosing to do.

Life doesn't pass me by.

And, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying the element of risk can be entirely gotten rid of in romantic affairs. That would be untrue. It's inherently risk-oriented because it's all about trusting someone else, and that's always something that makes you have to operate on less than 100% certainty.

So I'm not talking about living a life with less adventure in it either. I'm just saying that there are certain people who need their risks to be calculated, and who wish to bring the level of chance taking to an acceptable level, so that they can experience the requisite level of control for their own lives.

For someone like me, most of the advice on this thread would have been extremely bad advice. And I got a lot of similar advice at the time. And it was bad advice.

That doesn't mean I resent it. It just made me realise how different people are. But it is something I think the OP should consider.

FionnMatthew

@kiffer.

Sorry, just to say. I'm a guy. Fionn. Not Fiona.

kiffer wrote: »

Don't wear two condoms, wear one durex extra safe if you're worried about safety. Doubling up condoms can (i believe) increase the chance of ripping.

LOL

I hope it was obvious I was being facetious there!

Keith186

OP you have to go for it.

It's a hurdle you have to get over some time, everyone does.

Hope it goes well and it works out!

Pyr0

Throw it into her, sure how else are you gonna learn if ya turn down chances like this ? :pac:

Relax, wear protection and have fun !

Darragh29

FionnMatthew wrote: »

With respect, I don't think that's exactly true. I've spent most of my life carefully thinking about what I do, and I've got an awful lot done in my life. In fact, I'm quite sure I would have made far more mistakes, and gotten an awful lot less worthwhile done if I hadn't been rational and honest with myself about what I was choosing to do.

Life doesn't pass me by.

And, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying the element of risk can be entirely gotten rid of in romantic affairs. That would be untrue. It's inherently risk-oriented because it's all about trusting someone else, and that's always something that makes you have to operate on less than 100% certainty.

So I'm not talking about living a life with less adventure in it either. I'm just saying that there are certain people who need their risks to be calculated, and who wish to bring the level of chance taking to an acceptable level, so that they can experience the requisite level of control for their own lives.

For someone like me, most of the advice on this thread would have been extremely bad advice. And I got a lot of similar advice at the time. And it was bad advice.

That doesn't mean I resent it. It just made me realise how different people are. But it is something I think the OP should consider.

I think carefully about what I do also. But there was a time where I spent too much time thinking about things and not enough time making a decision, sticking to the decision and learning on the fly. The OP reminded me of myself a good few years back, when I had to debate everything like this particular subject of whether to do this that or the other, to absolute death and what happened on every occasion was the girl went elsewhere and I won the debate in my head but lost the opportunity that was there at the time and someone else gained!

It's like jumping into a pool, (once you have satisfied yourself that the water in the pool is deep enough!), you can either dive in, or do as I used to do, which was spend the whole day f*nnying around outside being afraid to dive in. Eventually I learnt that I could just override the little demon in my head telling me that I afraid of diving in and I could just dive in!

Same physcology is going on here, which is healthy at times, it can protect you from certain situations, even from yourself at times, but you also have to be able to control it and stop it from keeping you from living your life at the same time... I rate fear as the most powerful emotion of all, it can literally take your life away from you if you let it take over...

zuroph

thinly veiled brag IMO!!!

go get her tiger..

kiffer

FionnMatthew wrote: »

@kiffer.

Sorry, just to say. I'm a guy. Fionn. Not Fiona.

Sorry. i'm using my phone and missread your name. was not ment to be "funny".

estar

i think if you respect yourself you put thought into something so intimate, and i also think that a lot of people that throw it into people - not all, but a lot, arent really all that happy about throwing it into people, if they were to be totally honest.

be comfortable with yourself and how you feel, if you gut feeling is a no, then say - no. if you are too nervous yet to have casual sex, and would prefer a loving relationship to hve your first sexual experience, then thats what you want to do.

learn to listen to what you want rather than playing mental tennis, and weighing up pros and cons.

if you want to go ahead, why not ask to get to know her first.

Beaucoupfish

Firstly you need to confront your ability to like yourself. Think of all your positive qualities e.g your intelligence, friendliness, humour, cooking skills, finance, the ability to walk and talk and sing and dance whatever

Exercise

then be yourself, approach her and let things happen naturally
don't pressure the situation

Sex in real life is not like porn. Everybody has had bad sex. She will be a little nervous too. use a little alcohol to smooth the edges. keep talking. kissing is important. focus on that first and the rest will follow.

do something anyway because you will regret doing nothing and if it doesn't work out then it wasn't to be.

And don't worry so much, learn to laugh at things when they don't work out

good luck!

Nevyn

She likes you , she knows your a virgin, I reckon she would bend over backwards to make
sure that your first time is a very positive experience. Why not let her ?

The Ritz

I reckon she would bend over backwards to make
sure that your first time is a very positive experience.

Thaedydal,

I'll risk your wrath for the pleasure of nominating this as the post of year, PI !!!

OP,

Agree with the above......From reading your posts, it's clear that the girl knows your misgivings and is still interested in you. Meet up, if your propellor starts turning then take it from there. My advice against the "first time disaster" that you are afraid of is to spend a lot of time playing around.............. have fun !


Ritz.

briandy

Or dont think about penetrative sex on the first time (take condoms just in case though).

Motley Crue

She doesn't seem to care about what you are calling an unattractive physical appearance, why should you, go for it and (while being a gentlemen) show her a good time....for at least cum in under 2 minutes the first time....and then show her a good time

Wibbs

FionnMatthew wrote: »

I don't agree with this. In my experience, the people who think too much are the people who need to do so, because they just aren't satisfied with the level of control over their lives and personal circumstances that not "thinking too much" would leave them with.

I would quite disagree. The people I have known who needed to think more almost invariably didn't. The ones who did think too much almost all invariably needed to stop thinking and start doing. The former thought too much about themselves to see consequences and the latter also thought too much about themselves, saw the consequences(usually entirely negative) and chose to do nothing. Which all too often brought them down the road of even further introspection. Both personalities at either end of the risk spectrum tend to be self indulgent/self absorbed/compulsive. The outward expression may be different, but the inner stuff can be similar. Both get some sort of internal boost out of control. The risk takers at least have generally more people around them to knock the edges off, which helps. The extreme risk averse types usually don't which can cause issues.

There are certain social/cultural rites we are expected to enact without pause or reflection which, if we were to think about it, really aren't that attractive.

Theres a shed load of stuff that can be construed as unattractive, if you dissasociate to an extreme degree. I agree with you. Hell even eating could be considered disgusting. The things we eat and the sequence we eat them if you think about ot would turn your stomach. You wouldn't put ice cream on a steak, yet you will quite easily follow one with the other in the course of a meal. Sex is another level of gross in that mindset. The thing is most people will eat like that and most people have sex without thinking about what they're doing and go with the flow and enjoy it.

For years, the abuse of alcohol was something I felt uneasy about, but which my friends told me I was "thinking too much about." But, really, I wasn't. Because drinking represents that same loss of control over actions and personal identity which I fear, and have good, rational cause to fear. The abuse of alcohol is widespread in our culture, and it is considered a social norm. But when I look out into the street, I see people whose rational agency is compromised weekly by that social norm - and this is just not something I would want to relinquish. And hence, I don't believe that the thinking which leads me to "deprive myself" of the "wonderful social niceties" of alcohol abuse (as opposed to the gastronomical pleasures of foodstuffs and beverages containing alcohol) is an example of "thinking too much." And likewise, I don't believe the sort of cautiousness which I adhered to, following my traumatic mistake at the close of my virginity was a case of "overthinking it" either, since it brought me the only experience of sex that I would have ever wanted to have.

Again examples of extreme thinking. Now I would have at one time been of the type to fully uphold that oul johnson quote filtered through Hunter Thompson; "He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man" and all that nihilistic crapola. Not anymore. I can see it for the self indulgent claptrap it is. I can also see the same claptrap at the other end of the scale too.

Or don't wear a condom? If THAT'S the decision that scares you most, right? Because unplanned pregnancy will cause growth too, and won't, therefore, be a rash or irresponsible thing for someone to do if he cares about the specific course his life shoud take.

Facetious argument IMHO. If you've reached some sort of cognitive maturity, you should have some notion of what's a good risk and a bad one. Not wearing a condom with a non tested partner or a partner whose contraceptive status is not known or trusted is in the bad risk category. Between doing nothing and doing the daftest thing possible, there is a spectrum of experience you know.

Of course you have risk averse personalities and you have adrenaline junkies at both ends of the spectrum. Again I would say both are overly self indulgent and self centered. The middle way is by far the best. That's the stable equilibrium one should seek. I know, as I said, I've been both.

If you've got asbergers or you've a diagnosed mental illness, of course all bets are off. For most of us risk is good and so is caution. The middle ground. Extremes are daft and I suppose are more likely to be pathological anyway.

paddy353

If you don't do it, you will regret it even more than passing it on.

Also if a guy askes whether he should have sex or not and opt for not..............I think its time to remove your velcro Testies

Velvet Vocals

Have you done it yet?
I really hope you have! It sounds like this girl likes you. Good for you man!

Khannie

GTFI!!!!!

galwayguy22

If your a single male, it is your duty to accept an offer of sex from a female.

If you are a virgin, tell her, she'll more than likely find it sweet, and she will be gentle and "mind" you during the said sex.

I cannot stress enough the importance of you going through with this, you'll kick yourself for a very long time if you don't.

Some people say your first time should be with someone special blah blah blah, you seem to have a good repour with this girl, she seems the perfect candidate.

MrPillowTalk

Give her a length, even bad sex is good fun.

And remember the man rules, the morning after you shag a woman who is your freind you are honour bound to have seconds before entering into the "we shouldnt have done this" convo.

Relax have fun everyones first is a bit awkward.