Don't Like His Mates

LegacyUser

Can someone please tell me what to do in this situation???
I don't like my BFs mates at all and theres a whole bunch of them, male and female that grew up together in a small town. they've invited us out for an Xmas meal and there'll be around 20 of us and I said I'll go and I've got the dress and all but I'm not looking forward to it. I don't like these people at all and they are quite different to me and then my BF acts more like them when they are together...not like an a$$hole or anything but not like his normal self when he's with him. They are very touchy feely and I don't like that with people I'm not close to. What do other people do in these situations? I want to go out with my BF on nites like these but I have to endure their company if I do .....AAARRRGGGG !!!!!

MsFifers

It can be very hard to mix in with a group of people who all know each other well, and have a history together. Its easy to feel left out and maybe you are just feeling intimidated by them, which is very understandable.

Its unusual that in such a big group there isn't even one person you like. Are you sure you are giving them all a fair chance?

Why don't you try one last time to go out and this time go with the attitude that there is one or two people in the group that you could get on with. Your challenge for the night is to find out which person in the group is the one you are going to get on with! Try to make a big effort to like them and see how you feel at the end of the dinner.

Monkey61

When you say they are quite different from you - how exactly do you mean?

Do they just have different interests etc? Or is it that you disagree on fundamental issues? Do you find them difficult to talk to? How do they treat you?

I have learned that when faced with people I really don't like (purely for silly reasons) to just kill them with kindness. I make as big an effort as possible to be very interested in them and very happy to see them and suchlike. Even if it's just pretense to start off with, I usually find them much more bearable and find myself perfectly able to get on with them after a while.

If you don't like them because they are bigoted, homophobes who like to kick puppies then it may not be that easy,

I definitely agree with the above mentioned advice, to pick out small groups of them and focus on getting to know individuals though

Glowing

If there's 20 of you, you can't possibly not get on with ANY of them!!!

Look at it this way - it's a whole group of possibly great friends. They might be from a different area, or be a bit cliquey, but I'm sure if you get to know them a bit better, you'll find someone to get on with!

If you don't, it'll make life very difficult for both you and your boyfriend in the future...

Beruthiel

I would also have to wonder how, out of 20 people, you can't find one you like.
Have you actually made an effort to get to know them properly?
As for people being different, I've always found that a plus in a lot of cases, makes for more interesting conversation.

Mr. Incognito

If you come between your boyfriend and his mates, you will lose.

If it's not all them, maybe it's you. Have you made an effort?

And from the sentence, "he acts more like them when we're around them", makes you sound possessive and controlling.

Let him off the lesh, and yourself too while you're at it. Mates being touchy feely is a good thing- it means they are close.

John Mason

personally, i deal with it by refusing to go out with them and if i have to go, half a bottle of rum does the trick

AngryBadger

Beruthiel wrote: »

I would also have to wonder how, out of 20 people, you can't find one you like.
Have you actually made an effort to get to know them properly?
As for people being different, I've always found that a plus in a lot of cases, makes for more interesting conversation.

+1

LegacyUser

Ok you've all caught me out. I've gotten to know only a few of them and don't like them so I've probably just assumed they are all the same. Lots of good advice though and especially from you MsFifers. I'll defo make more of an effort. They are friendly, just a bit in your face sometimes. And all the girls sit together and all the guys sit together which is so old fashioned to me. Ok thank you for all of the posts.

Beruthiel

Sophia999 wrote: »

Ok you've all caught me out. I've gotten to know only a few of them and don't like them so I've probably just assumed they are all the same.

That's a bit of a leap. Go with an open mind, give each person a chance.

And all the girls sit together and all the guys sit together which is so old fashioned to me.

Well, you wouldn't catch me doing that, sit where you wish and relax.
Are they all Sicilian?
And before anyone says anything, I was in the back arse of nowhere in the Sicilian countryside for sunday lunch and they all sat like that. Men on one end of the table, women on the other.

LegacyUser

This type of situation is really annoying - it happened with my last gf and my mates. It was a mix between her being a bit shy, and my group going way back and just not being that approachable (they are nice people but they are a very closed group who don't really make the effort). It can be tough when everyone is really pally and you're 'the new girl' but don't let this put you off. Ultimately it can be a big problem especially if you and your boyfriend don't share other groups of friends (do you?). My advice would depend on the situation: -

-Do you have to see your bf's mates much? is it like a weekly thing, does he often want to go out with them? If so, you're really going to have to make an effort to get along. All the advice has been good so far just really make an effort and come across as a nice friendly fun-to-know person (I'm sure you are anyway!) and they're bound to like you.

-If you hardly have to see them too much, and its only now and again I wouldn't worry too much - it probably won't effect you relationship. But still same advice applies, why not make an effort?

Also have a few drinks and find another girl who's had a few, girls who hardly know each other often seem like best friends who love each other after a few drinks (from my experience).

If its really bad, and you feel like the group is not letting you in at all, then maybe you should talk to your bf about it? Is he helping you fit in i.e is he introducing you to everyone making an effort himself to integrate you somewhat to the group? If he's not he should be to some extent at least, cos I know its not easy. Its not all down to you.

But yeah, to sum up you gotta make more of an effort, loosen up and dont judge the whole group on a couple of friends. And also be aware that things could get tough in your relationship if yous can't share friends.

Best of luck!

abi2007

Grin and bear it... It's only once every so often he's with them. Try go out feelin positive and make an effort you might actually get to like some of them.

muppetkiller

You say he's not himself around them ? He grew up with them ?
How do you not know he's actually himself with you ?

ziedth

muppetkiller wrote: »

You say he's not himself around them ? He grew up with them ?
How do you not know he's actually himself with you ?

Outragous statment IMO, anyone who I know myself included has a different way about them when they are with their mates. for me i'm much more confident and prob come across a little more ladish thats not to say i'm putting up a front with my OH.

OP all the advice given is sound, pick a girl when your drunk and be friendly it's a sound way into the rest of the group

muppetkiller

ziedth wrote: »

Outragous statment IMO,

It wasn't a statement it was in fact a question.
I know people act differently around their partners but not completely differently. I was mearly asking these questions to inquire as to the relationship they have, also how long the op has been in this relationship ?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

This type of situation is really annoying - it happened with my last gf and my mates. It was a mix between her being a bit shy, and my group going way back and just not being that approachable (they are nice people but they are a very closed group who don't really make the effort). It can be tough when everyone is really pally and you're 'the new girl' but don't let this put you off. Ultimately it can be a big problem especially if you and your boyfriend don't share other groups of friends (do you?). My advice would depend on the situation: -

-Do you have to see your bf's mates much? is it like a weekly thing, does he often want to go out with them? If so, you're really going to have to make an effort to get along. All the advice has been good so far just really make an effort and come across as a nice friendly fun-to-know person (I'm sure you are anyway!) and they're bound to like you.

-If you hardly have to see them too much, and its only now and again I wouldn't worry too much - it probably won't effect you relationship. But still same advice applies, why not make an effort?

Also have a few drinks and find another girl who's had a few, girls who hardly know each other often seem like best friends who love each other after a few drinks (from my experience).

If its really bad, and you feel like the group is not letting you in at all, then maybe you should talk to your bf about it? Is he helping you fit in i.e is he introducing you to everyone making an effort himself to integrate you somewhat to the group? If he's not he should be to some extent at least, cos I know its not easy. Its not all down to you.

But yeah, to sum up you gotta make more of an effort, loosen up and dont judge the whole group on a couple of friends. And also be aware that things could get tough in your relationship if yous can't share friends.

Best of luck!

Really great advice here. Its only gonna happen a couple of times a year that I've to see these guys so I'm sure I can get into it. All of the posts are the good kick up the backside that I needed. Its just been the clicky thing that bothered me, the fact that they literally know each other since being babies and I've felt a bit left out before. My BF will stay with me for a good bit but I'm sure he'll want to mingle and thats when I'm a sitting duck. I'm not a big drinker but alcohol will be my friend that nite.

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote: »

It wasn't a statement it was in fact a question.
I know people act differently around their partners but not completely differently. I was mearly asking these questions to inquire as to the relationship they have, also how long the op has been in this relationship ?

We have a very good relationship and we've been together 2 years. He doesn't act VERY differently, its just subtle things yenno. I'm actually really sociable and love people and meeting new people so its silly for me to even have this problem.

LegacyUser

Okay, i have to go unreg for this.

my OH friends are a nightmare. i have met them 3 times in a year and tbh that was more then enough for me.

The first time i met them was in a house party, i knew no-one my OH went to the toilet and i was standing by myself, one person came to speak to me but were instantly called back and told not to speak to me, the talker said "she was by herself" and he told "so what"

the second time i met them, my OH was really strange and didnt talk or act like he normally would, all the girls had to sit together at one end of the table when the men talked about manly things, i tried to join their conversation, it was about my hobby but got ignore, one or two of the girls spoke me about hair and nails - i have no interest in that girlie crap.

they were both the most horrible nights of my life. that was in march, i have refused to go out with them again. i was forced to go out for one of their birthday in october, so i had a good few stiff drinks before i got there. there were a few people there from around the country that i had never spoken to before who spoke to me and one of boys apoligsed for how they had been treating me and told me they dont really like new people coming in their gang

i am 33 years of age, i havent got time for school yard bully and games. So OP if you hate these people dont go unless you really have to and if you have to go, make sure your drunk.