Zero self worth and panic

littlefriend

This is a bit of a long one so I'll keep it as short as possible.
I've been seriously depressed in the past, recently majorly reduced the medication I am on. Coming off the anti deps I was on was really difficult physically [head spins, feeling sick, thought i was going deaf etc] but mentally I didn't find it hard at all. My mood was the same and I was delighted that I was reducing the amt of chemicals going in to my body.

I've written before about some pretty horrendous experiences I've had with men. I've been kind of seeing this guy for the last year and a half. Very on off type thing. He was very possessive sometimes but other times I wouldn't hear from him for a few weeks at a time. I didn't really mind this because as far as I was concerned it was very casual. Last weekend the girl I live with wanted to go out so I called him and drove her over to meet up with him. Long story short I was baby sitting for her while she was out. Anyway, she brought him home and had sex with him and I feel absolutely **** about it and I feel really **** about myself.

This guy has disrespected me in so many ways. Telling my i'm fat and useless in bed and stuff like that. He'd often scream and shout down the phone at me or in front of his friends. My housemate is not fat in fact she has an amazing body and is pretty. I doubt she is **** in bed as she's well practiced in that regard.

The result of my friend being with this guy is that I've had pretty much no sleep since and horrendous nightmares when I do. I can't look in a mirror at all. I feel that I am repulsive to men and my friendship with this girl was worthless. But that is only part of it. I should never have allowed myself be treated like this in the first place.

I just wish someone could help me. I'm so so upset. Like I was saying I can't look at my face in a mirror but I've spent hours looking at my body picking out all the things wrong with it. Sorry for the long post and it a **** pi compared to any one elses I'm just so lost and sad and hurt.

tbh

listen, don't worry, we're here to help. The guy is an asshole, lets just establish that first off. One thing I'm confused about tho - why did you drive your friend to meet the guy you were seeing? What happened there?

littlefriend

tbh wrote: »

lOne thing I'm confused about tho - why did you drive your friend to meet the guy you were seeing? What happened there?

We were at home watching xfactor and she really wanted to go out for a few drinks, as she doesn't know anyone really around here I called him and dropped her over to meet him in the pub.

tbh

it was a pretty ****ty thing for your friend to do - did she know the score between the two of ye?

Listen all I can say to you really is that it's a dangerous road to go down, to estimate your self-worth according to how others treat you, you know? you do know. you already know this guy is a bit of a dick, so I'm just wondering why his actions have so much of an effect on you? I can only guess that you feel let down by your friends actions - betrayed probably. These things happen tho. It's like you could be the best driver in the world, but if some drunk idiot blindsides you, what can you do? You just have to try to be responsible for your own actions and see what happens. I think that what's happened has acted as a lance for your mental boils, as it were, all this stuff was there already, this just brought it out.

Are you talking to any professionals about this pet?

LegacyUser

Like tbh, I would also be curious on whether your friend knew about the two of you.

If she did, then that is a shocking thing to do, especially to bring him back to the house and all.

The thing is littlefriend, if he has been belittling you, he obviously is not a nice person something I am sure even you know and really should be avoided. If your friend knew about your past, than she is not your 'friend' and should also be avoided.

You speak of previous horror stories about relationships gone by. Do you regularily choose men that are bad for you?

littlefriend

Yes I usually end up being with men who treat me badly. I seem to attract that type if that makes any sense. I know it is wrong for me. I was seeing a counselor for about 4 weeks recently but I had no connection with her so I stopped going
I went to my gp yesterday and he wants me to go to John of Gods for a while. I've been there before and it is not a nice place so I don't want to go in and stay there. I have an apt there as an outpatient next wednesday.
I don't know why i'm even writing this here. Just need to reach out to someone I guess. Truth is I think I'm fat and unattractive and that makes me feel horrendous - really horrendous.
I don't know why i'm writing this . I feel like I've been beaten up