Dating Websites Dangerous

ledsking

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice / opinions...My wife has been registering with some of the dating websites and flirty with men. I found out by accident and confronted her, she just thinks its a bit of fun but I dont like it. I have asked her to stop, but she wont..She told me that she talks dirty to these men as it excites her and its like an adventure. I am also worried that she might be tempted to meet some of these men even though she told me that she never would. I dont know what else to do? to me its like cheating, but she doesn't think so. any opinions out there??
Ta.

Wagon

Ask her how she would like it if you went out with your mates and got flirty with women. How long as yis married?

SarahJ

Sorry to say, I think this is really strange. Why would she feel the need to be flirty with other men? If she wanted friendly chat, she could have joined Bebo or the likes

LegacyUser

Regardless of how innocent she thinks it is, if she loves you and sees it upsets you, she should stop.

If my other half did this, I would be really upset and ask him to stop. If he didn't stop, I would have to reconsider the relationship. How serious can she be about your marriage if she's registered on a dating site?? It would be one thing to flirt on forums etc. but an actual dating site??

It could be that she's a bit bored and who knows, maybe it is innocent. But if she's bored maybe the two of you should find a hobby you can do together rather than her flirting with strangers over the internets.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

ledsking wrote: »

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice / opinions...My wife has been registering with some of the dating websites and flirty with men. I found out by accident and confronted her, she just thinks its a bit of fun but I dont like it. I have asked her to stop, but she wont..She told me that she talks dirty to these men as it excites her and its like an adventure. I am also worried that she might be tempted to meet some of these men even though she told me that she never would. I dont know what else to do? to me its like cheating, but she doesn't think so. any opinions out there??
Ta.

Well she might just be looking for some excitement, not saying that you are not exciting her. But maybe just something differant to what she is used to? If I found out I would be pissed off, I know that much for sure. If you are upset, tell her this, tell her exactly how you feel about it. I know it's not as easy as it sounds...

Tell her to step into your shoes and take perspective. See how she reacts and what she says. I am sure she will see things differantly this way. She is also probably embarrassed that you found out about it.

shellyboo

This is actually becoming quite common in relatipnships.

I'm in two minds about it. Part of me, having done the whole internet dating thing, says that it CAN just be harmless flirting, and your wife may be sincere when she says she has no intention of meeting up with the men she's talking with. I would say that for her, talking dirty is just an exciting, arousing pastime... a mental equivalent of porn, so you shouldn't read too much into it.

On the other hand, she's your wife - and if it bothers you, she should stop. You're well within your rights to ask her to, if you feel like it's cheating, then it's cheating. You need to tell her this, though. Explain to her your reasons for it, and your fears, but make it clear it's unacceptable behaviour to you and it feels like she's being unfaithful. She'll probably come out with a lot more spiel about how it's harmless, etc, but the main thing is that what she's doing is upsetting you - and THAT'S why she should stop. Not because you're afraid she'll do anything, not because you don't trust her... but simply because it makes you uncomfortable. Within a marriage, that should be enough.

I will say one thing though - why has she turned to this? What's missing from her relationship with you that she needs from online chat? What she's getting from these men online is validation, complients, praise... they're making her feel sexy and desirable and wanted. I'm not pointing fingers, I have no idea what your sex life is like or how affectionate you are with your wife, but maybe you should look at what she's getting from this interaction, and try to provide that yourself.

star-pants

I would try sitting down with your wife, explaining why it bothers you (not just telling her to stop) and ask how would she feel if you were off flirting/talking dirty to other women?

It could be a case that she wants to spice up yer bedroom life - and maybe she didn't know how to go about it. If it's something that ye can explore together she may not need/want this 'online flirting' anymore. In your position I wouldn't be happy either if my OH was flirting and talking dirty to other people (how do they know it's only a laugh).
Best bet is to take it easy and have a gentle chat with her, see if anythings bothering her, and make sure she understands how this is upsetting you. I don't know that she'd be happy in your shoes.

Zulu

shellyboo wrote: »

This is actually becoming quite common in relatipnships.

I'm in two minds about it. Part of me, having done the whole internet dating thing, says that it CAN just be harmless flirting, and your wife may be sincere when she says she has no intention of meeting up with the men she's talking with. I would say that for her, talking dirty is just an exciting, arousing pastime... a mental equivalent of porn, so you shouldn't read too much into it.

I disagree with this sentiment.
It's not like porn.
She's interacting with another man in a sexual way.
Saying it's more like lapdancing is more accurate in my opinion. Or one better, going out to a club to meet women, take them home and "only have a lapdance".

It's totally out of line in a married relationship. (Unless the OP doesn't mind - but clearly he does)

OP just because she "doesn't think so" isn't good enough. She need to respect you and your opinions/values. If she can't do this, there is a major MAJOR problem with your relationship and marriage.

SpookyDoll

Yeh, she is well cheeky if you ask me.

It doesn't matter if there is something "missing" in the relationship this is NOT the way to go about fixing it.

The fact that she is being so blatant and unapologetic is out of order. What she is doing is wrong and she doesn't seem to comprehend that, this is a problem.

I would let her no in no uncertain terms that you are not accepting this OP.

shellyboo

Zulu wrote: »

I disagree with this sentiment.
It's not like porn.
She's interacting with another man in a sexual way.
Saying it's more like lapdancing is more accurate in my opinion. Or one better, going out to a club to meet women, take them home and "only have a lapdance".

I see where you're coming from... but a person on the other end of a computer isn't "real" like a lapdancer. The arousal happens in your head, there's no physical contact. Perhaps cyber (or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days) is a little more extreme than porn, ok... let's say it's the equivalent of a guy calling up a phone sex hotline then.

The point I was trying to make is that IF it's innocuous for her, IF she truly has no intention of ever meeting these guys, it's really just performing the same function as porn does. It's stimultion to help you release, with an added edge of danger or excitement since it's an active participation and not passive watching.

Anti

Play her back at her own game, though this could backfire horribly !

Bottle_of_Smoke

I would be seriously alarmed if a girlfriend was doing this. Think your wife is bored.

AngryBadger

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I would be seriously alarmed if a girlfriend was doing this. Think your wife is bored.

+1 most likely, I'd be inclined to think that's all it means though. You could argue that she's interacting with another person and therefore it's more serious, but in my view unless there's actually a tactile engagement between them (i.e. they meet up at some stage) then it's no different to her watching porn.

Star Lord

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I would be seriously alarmed if a girlfriend was doing this. Think your wife is bored.

I'd agree with this, but if it makes you uncomfortable, ask her to stop. She'd be pretty unreasonable if she won't!

Failing that, if you can't beat them join them as they say, so join in with her, flirt with a couple together or something, there's loads of sites out there for that kinda thing!!!

Lollipops23

ever hear of emotional cheating?she's doing this.it ain't right, she may as well just go the whole hog and screw one of these randomers. confront her and tell her to stop it now,if she needs all that excitement she can have her single life back again.

Kirnsy

its wrong in every sense

1 it upsets you

2 it shows a lack of sensitivity

3 it shows an apparent disregard to your relationship

if my gf was doing this id not be happy let alone someone whos married to you

bennyblanco

I disagree strongly with the people who say it is just like porn.
Porn is pictures/images whatever.It isn't another human being actively responding to signals you're giving them.It's not even like lapdancing where there are (generally I believe) rules/guidelines.
She's contacting and interacting with these dudes on dating websites.
I havent used any of them but afaik you can hook up with peeps for brief encounters no hassle.
I would be deeply concerned if my other half was at this craic.
Like I mean it may be just talk now.........
I think her behaviour and her response to your concerns are deeply insensitive.
It shows a pretty poor regard for your relationship and your feelings.
To me this would feel pretty close to cheating or at least a precursor to it.
Sorry man

LegacyUser

I feel strongly about this. Its one thing looking at porn and I wouldnt have a problem with that, but interacting in a sexual, private, intimate way with other people is cheating in my mind. For me if my man went to a strip club, not a big deal, but a lap dance is intimate interaction so I would be very upset. To be honest I think she is being a bit of a jerk (to use a word usually reserved for guys), I wouldnt like it and I think she has lost a bit of perspective about right and wrong if she cant see why you have a problem with it. You have a right to ask her to stop and she should respect that it hurts and upsets you.

Kya1976

ledsking wrote: »

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice / opinions...My wife has been registering with some of the dating websites and flirty with men. I found out by accident and confronted her, she just thinks its a bit of fun but I dont like it. I have asked her to stop, but she wont..She told me that she talks dirty to these men as it excites her and its like an adventure. I am also worried that she might be tempted to meet some of these men even though she told me that she never would. I dont know what else to do? to me its like cheating, but she doesn't think so. any opinions out there??
Ta.

Well obviously it bothers you so yeah I'd have a chat with her. Personally it wouldn't bother me in the slightest flirting or dirty talking that is, couldn't live without flirting/dirty talking, to me it's harmless fun and I love it.
And I certainly wouldn't class it as cheating, well it's one thing if she's meeting up with these people but hey if it's just online it might even benefit the relationship, it might spice things up a little bit in the boudoir. Good luck.

Dan Chipowski

I'm afraid to say it's only a matter of time before she takes one of these 'net' things further, she will build up contacts, whom she speaks to regularly..and it will go from there.

She tells you she would never do it...WRONG...what she means is, she's not brave enough to do it..for now, eventually her desire etc will overwhelm her and she will cheat.

She needs to stop it, or you need to kick her out.