How hard will this be?

Captain Ginger

Right, this post may seem selfish but please try and help me if you can.

A while ago during a drunken night out I met a girl and one thing led to another and we ended up in bed, at the time I had lost my coat which meant I had no condoms and although I felt like a prized prat I decided honest was the best option so I explained.

She then dropped this massive bomb on me that she was pregnant so as long as I was clean (which I am) it didn't matter. At the time my thinking was too blurred to think much of it and honestly I had one thing on my mind and so the deed was done.

I got her number and decided to send her a text and met up with her a few times, discovered that although we're both very differnt people that I really like her, and I'm sure she likes me a lot as well (she doesn't seem the type to stay with guys she doesn't like). Anyway the question came up to weather she was going to keep the baby or not and she wants to abort it and has had this plan for a while.

Now, my personal feelings towards this have been put aside (not my choice and not even my child) I'm only 20 so I have never really had to deal with this kind of thing before, I really want to stay with her and support her, but I know it's going to be really hard on her and I'm just hoping I'm not going to do a bad job, I have no idea what to expect from her (depression? Anger? The worse possibility being regret?) if anyone can help me I would really appreciate it. My friends are telling me to "get out now" as it's just going to be a load of stress, but I honestly don't want to. I'm willing to do anything I can, would breaking it off be better for her? Maybe having a boyfriend during this time won't be a good thing? I have so many questions and no answers, please help!

Lollipops23

this girl has a lot going on right now.my gut instinct says leave her alone for the time being, of she plans to abort she will probably not be in the frame of mind to start a relationship-she'll have her own stuff to be dealing with. That said,she may need a friend in the coming weeks and months....

another thing i noticed-she is pregnant and yet going out on the pull?am i the only one who finds that a bit iffy?

Nevyn

No just because you a preganat does not mean your sex drive up and disappears.

As for being 'clean' how do you know you have not contacted and sti from her ?

As for pursuing a relationship with her while she undergoes such an abortion honest I would say don't.
I have seen tow other couples go through this and it didn't end well for anyone.

Snowie

its not really selfish

its admeral to stand buy a girl who you didnt get pregnent...
If you wanna stand buy her do so....

fare play to you, it would help her to have some support throught the first few months etc... Im shore of that my x gf had an abortion, and she gets depressed when she sees a baby in a pram when walking down the street etc....

so yeah its been tough on her i would guess...

useually they go for councilling my x didnt even tho i told her to..

the baby was'nt mine...

it really depends onher mental state and strength

Captain Ginger

@Thaedydal I got tested the next day just incase and was fine.

Seems to be some mixed answers here, it's a tricky one alright.

Wibbs

Tested the next day? I'm fairly sure there are a whole heap of creeping crotch varieties that have an incubation period longer than a day. Very quick results too. HIV AFAIR takes a while to get a positive or negative.

In any case, run for the hills IMHO. All fine and dandy being there for her etc, but there's a whole heap of potential headwreck coming down the track. Oh you could be lucky, but it does work out by a lotto ticket quick cos you're very lucky.

Captain Ginger

I just don't want to let her go and think back to the fact that the reason why I lost her was because I was too chicken **** to put in some effort. Like, I see what you mean about the headwreck, but can you expand on that a bit more, I'm honestly like a deer in head lights here.

Wibbs

Its not your child. She will likely be emotionally thrown by this. You're a bit young and inexperienced to deal with that. It's quite likely she'll get emotional support from you and then leave you down the line as you subconsciously remind her of a difficult time. The father of the child may show up. You dont know her from adam(or eve), all you know is jiggy jiggy and you fancy her. etc. thats just outa the gate.

Captain Ginger

Wibbs wrote: »

Its not your child. She will likely be emotionally thrown by this. You're a bit young and inexperienced to deal with that. It's quite likely she'll get emotional support from you and then leave you down the line as you subconsciously remind her of a difficult time. The father of the child may show up. You dont know her from adam(or eve), all you know is jiggy jiggy and you fancy her. etc. thats just outa the gate.

That's a good point, man I hate hearing the truth but you're right.

Wibbs

Hey I could be very wrong, but as odds go for an easy and successful start to a relationship, this one has bad odds. It just feels funny to me.

Captain Ginger

Do you think it would be a good idea to sit her down and voice my fears to her?

Karen_*

I was once the 19 year old pregnant girl!! And I would say stay away OP. She's all mixed up and all over the place and most probably scared of being on her own with a baby. She doesn't know her own mind at the moment and you'll get hurt.

Be her friend and only her friend and if its meant to be then it will happen, but not yet.

Wibbs

Captain Ginger wrote: »

Do you think it would be a good idea to sit her down and voice my fears to her?

I'm not so sure that's a good plan. That's for your benefit, not hers. Take karens advice

Captain Ginger

Thanks guys, I'm going to sleep on it, but I think you're right, I'll see how things pan out for now.

Thanks for the advice.

MagicMarker

So, this girl gets herself pregnant (which happens, fine)...

Meets you on a drunken night out, pregnant (i assume she was drunk as well?)...

Decides to sleep with you, and takes your (a drunken, horny man's) word for it that you're clean, while she's pregnant?

Riiiiight...

Do yourself a favour, run... fast!

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.
I met a girl who had just been through a pregnancy on her own. She was living away from home and even kept it hidden from her family. I came onto the scene just at the time she had to make the final decision about giving her daughter for adoption. She had already made her mind up but then the night before she signed the final papers I suggested that she should keep the baby and we'd make a go of it. She went nuts at me. She had already struggled to reach her decision and here was me throwing another spanner in the works, giving her another option. She stuck to her decision, hard though it was, and her daughter was adopted. She still thinks about her daughter every day but at the time she had to do what was what she thought was best.

That was about 10 years ago. We're now happily married with kids of our own. It could have been so easy for me to walk away from that relationship thinging it would be too much hassle or it would wreck my head. There have been plenty of days over the years where she's been distant and I just know there's nothing I can do or say because she's thinking about her daughter. I often wonder myself how it would have been if she had changed her mind that night. Would we have coped with this so early in the relationship? Maybe not ? Who knows ? I simply cannot imagine how she went through what she did. I was just trying to do what I thought was the right thing because I knew, even though it was very early days, something just felt right.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you know yourself it wont be easy. Only you will know if there might be a future worth working at. I do sense something in your posts that you think there is. Most common sense tells you to run a mile. In my case I'm really glad I didnt.

I hope it all works out for you.

xzanti

Lollipops23 wrote: »

another thing i noticed-she is pregnant and yet going out on the pull?am i the only one who finds that a bit iffy?

No, you're not..

Captain Ginger

Unregistered wrote: »

Going unreg for this.
I met a girl who had just been through a pregnancy on her own. She was living away from home and even kept it hidden from her family. I came onto the scene just at the time she had to make the final decision about giving her daughter for adoption. She had already made her mind up but then the night before she signed the final papers I suggested that she should keep the baby and we'd make a go of it. She went nuts at me. She had already struggled to reach her decision and here was me throwing another spanner in the works, giving her another option. She stuck to her decision, hard though it was, and her daughter was adopted. She still thinks about her daughter every day but at the time she had to do what was what she thought was best.

That was about 10 years ago. We're now happily married with kids of our own. It could have been so easy for me to walk away from that relationship thinging it would be too much hassle or it would wreck my head. There have been plenty of days over the years where she's been distant and I just know there's nothing I can do or say because she's thinking about her daughter. I often wonder myself how it would have been if she had changed her mind that night. Would we have coped with this so early in the relationship? Maybe not ? Who knows ? I simply cannot imagine how she went through what she did. I was just trying to do what I thought was the right thing because I knew, even though it was very early days, something just felt right.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you know yourself it wont be easy. Only you will know if there might be a future worth working at. I do sense something in your posts that you think there is. Most common sense tells you to run a mile. In my case I'm really glad I didnt.

I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks, that's pretty interesting and it's nice to hear an experienced comment on a similar situation that had a happy ending.

I don't know her that well, but I do feel something is there, it's odd. Yourself and Wibbs and the others make some very good arguments for both sides.

My biggest fear is that I loose her, and by hanging in the towel now I guess that's going to happen now, I think I'm going to (for better or for worse) continue it for now, if it gets too hairy I can always walk away, but I want to give it a chance, no matter how much the odds are against me.

@Wibbs, you probably think I'm a right eejit but still, nothing ventured nothing gained right?

Karen_*

Well the very best of luck to you and I hope it works out for you. You're a great bloke to be taking this on. She's a lucky girl:)

SpookyDoll

I don't know her that well, but I do feel something is there, it's odd.

Hmm, something is odd C.G. -please be very careful. This all seems very dramatic so early into things.

You are only 20, you dont know this girl at all, you dont know if anything she is telling you is true.

How do you know she is pregnant at all, she could have just told you that so that you think "no point in closing the stable door after the horse has bolted" and not use protection.

What if she is one of these mad ones who is going around trying to get herself up the Duff, you just dont know.

I mean is all as it seems, its all strange to me?

Did you say you met her on a night out, what is a pregnant girl doing out socialising and pulling lads.

I dunno, something doesn't add up here. She is up to something. Something not obvious to you, she might just want to get someone into bed as quick as possible around the time she got pregnant so she can pull "well I dont know WHO the father is"

Point I am making is, you dont know her, you are taking what she is telling you at face value, only the first shag and already there is a "big ask" there from her to you.

Proceed with extreme caution, I dont think all is as it seems.

Wibbs

Captain Ginger wrote: »

@Wibbs, you probably think I'm a right eejit but still, nothing ventured nothing gained right?

naw I know you're a right eejit mate;):D. So dont let that worry you.

The Unregistered chap and his lovely tale of his life, is quite a bit different from yours. His wife to be, had already gone through her pregnancy. I would also be surprised if she had been out on the pull etc. This is not a moral standpoint either. I'm looking practicalities here. His wife to be was in a radicaly different place. Now Unregistered chap also has had a good, indeed great heartwarming outcome and naturally his response will be coloured by that. Mine would in his position, but step back a bit for a second.

You say there's something there. OK that's your willy and your heart talking. It's based on no evidence of compatabilty or reality at this stage. Your feeling the first flush of infatuation. That's cool. All great love affairs kick off that way. Now throw into that heady mix of emotion an even bigger emotional bomb. You will be starting to feel protective in that infatuation pahse. The hairy chested "I'll protect you dearest!" stuff will really run strong in this instance. She will naturally feed into that too as she will feel vulnerable. That's all grand and dandy, but as I say it's based on just pure emotion. The reality may be quite different. As I say there are questions that are raised(and red flags too).

Questions along the lines of Spookydolls concerns. I would fully echo those concerns. Something does indeed not add up.

The heat of the moment sex thing I've had experience of. "We don't need a condom, as I'm on the pill", when they had told me previously that they weren't and had bad reactions to it. Women mates of mine have had guys tell them that they had vasectomies for gods sake. One guy went on to have 3 kids.

That's just for starters. For me specifics don't concern me. The overall concerns me. You jumping in with both feet in the face of these concerns me the most. Yes it sounds romantic and chivalrous, but my concern is that those strong emotions are clouding your attitude.

buckieburd

How do you know she was pregnant? Not being bad but i would never trust a woman (well I am a women so it wouldn't happen to me!!) that told me it was ok not to use contraception. You have been quite reckless to sleep with someone you just met without any protection. This is how the mad bunny boilers trap fellas they like, 'oh i'm on the pill honest' or 'i'm infertile' etc etc............Walk away and learn a lesson, no condom no sexy time!!