Do men like or dislike women like me?

LegacyUser

I’m almost 30, have my own house, car, job, quite a few designer clothes, etc. I’m doing a part-time masters which on top of my regular job is leaving me exhausted. I’ve always been very independent and I can support myself financially so long as I continue to work. My life probably looks attractive to a lot of people and mostly I like it but I’m under constant financial pressure to keep up the payments on all of these things, mortgage, car loan, household bills to pay on my own.
Lately I’ve been getting the impression from male friends that they would run a mile from women like me. They wouldn’t want a woman who’s exhausted from working all the time and stressed about finances, etc the rest of the time. I’m definitely not a workaholic, I have to work a lot of hours to pay the mortgage, etc on my own. I am aware that all this responsibility has made me much less fun/carefree than I would have been a few years ago.
To be honest I’ve always looked down on women who expect men to support them and I’ve noticed plenty of threads here saying the woman should be paying half of bills/rent/nights out, etc.
But a few of my male friends seem to prefer women who have no interest in working. They seem to think women who stay at home, keep the house clean, watch daytime television and don’t buy many clothes are less hassel.
The men don’t seem to be interested in being supportive of someone like me. They would be happier with someone they have to support financially than to be providing emotional support to me when I get stressed about exams and bills.
This is bothering me because I’d love to meet someone but I really don’t seem to be what they’re looking for. A man who chatted me up recently proudly told me about the building site he has. I was thinking “I have a house, it’s costing me loads, I don’t need another one”. Obviously I never told him that but if he had heard about my situation/lifestyle he wouldn’t have been interested. He would have been much happier with a woman who needed a man to support her.My male neighbour always gives me filthy looks when he sees me park my Avensis next to his Fiat Punto.
Oh and I’m not a big drinker and I hate sport, that doesn’t seem to help either.
Would appreciate opinions on this,
Thanks

Pherekydes

Some will, some won't. Simple as. Some men want a replacement mammy; some want an independent woman. To each his own.

Aurora Borealis

OP would you want someone who didn't respect you because of the things that are important to you and the choices you've made for yourself. If someone is put off by that then they're not someone who is right for you anyway. If you're happy then you're doing the right thing for yourself.

tommmy1979

Hi OP,

I'll be honest.. i'd usually be more attracted to the more independant type.. i'm independant myself. However ... talk of designer clothes and what type of car one drives puts me off.

T

PixelTrawler

Unregistered wrote: »

I’m almost 30, have my own house, car, job, quite a few designer clothes, etc. I’m doing a part-time masters which on top of my regular job is leaving me exhausted. I’ve always been very independent and I can support myself financially so long as I continue to work. My life probably looks attractive to a lot of people and mostly I like it but I’m under constant financial pressure to keep up the payments on all of these things, mortgage, car loan, household bills to pay on my own.
Lately I’ve been getting the impression from male friends that they would run a mile from women like me. They wouldn’t want a woman who’s exhausted from working all the time and stressed about finances, etc the rest of the time. I’m definitely not a workaholic, I have to work a lot of hours to pay the mortgage, etc on my own. I am aware that all this responsibility has made me much less fun/carefree than I would have been a few years ago.
To be honest I’ve always looked down on women who expect men to support them and I’ve noticed plenty of threads here saying the woman should be paying half of bills/rent/nights out, etc.
But a few of my male friends seem to prefer women who have no interest in working. They seem to think women who stay at home, keep the house clean, watch daytime television and don’t buy many clothes are less hassel.
The men don’t seem to be interested in being supportive of someone like me. They would be happier with someone they have to support financially than to be providing emotional support to me when I get stressed about exams and bills.
This is bothering me because I’d love to meet someone but I really don’t seem to be what they’re looking for. A man who chatted me up recently proudly told me about the building site he has. I was thinking “I have a house, it’s costing me loads, I don’t need another one”. Obviously I never told him that but if he had heard about my situation/lifestyle he wouldn’t have been interested. He would have been much happier with a woman who needed a man to support her.My male neighbour always gives me filthy looks when he sees me park my Avensis next to his Fiat Punto.
Oh and I’m not a big drinker and I hate sport, that doesn’t seem to help either.
Would appreciate opinions on this,
Thanks

Not exactly the point you want people to take up first but whats so fancy about an avensis? Seriously, its a typical taxi / fleet / sales reps car that wont hold a resale value (although I do like them but they're not remotely flash, its just a toyota so get over that one). My gf has a punto, Im sure if you had a lada he'd be giving you dirty looks - they are awful (as you can see the kind of car a girl drives means nothing to me!). You just kinda threw that sentence in there so id thought id pick that one out.

More to the point, me, I definitely prefer independent. My GF is smart, independent and driven - this is all good.

You also seem to be making some wild assumptions about what this guy with the building site may or may not thought - maybe he was just making conversation.

Open your mind a bit as you seem to have built up a few notions about "what men think"

Designers clothes... meh big deal - this doesnt tend to impress many men.

But theres many men that will go for what you describe*

* but may not give a sh!t about the car or clothes:p - or if they do, thats pretty shallow, prob best avoided

EDIT - not to bang on about the car again but just reading back on what you said about struggling financially with mortgage and car loans - I'm guessing you have no children - why do you have such a large car it sounds you cant afford - downsize and save some stress there - although unfortunately its a terrible time to sell a car.

MagicMarker

Strong, intelligent, independent women are the ideal.

However, adding materialism to the mix is like adding salt to a fudge brownie.

Morlar

It sounds like you male neighbour who is threatened by you having a nicer car is just a random twat & not representative of men in general so I wouldnt worry about that.

I think this all depends on the kind of man you are looking for. Most men would prefer a woman who can take care of herself and had a reasonable amount of ambition so I dont think that in itself should be a barrier.

Emotionally low maintenance women are ideal. That does not mean a woman who wants to spend all her time watching daytime telly. Intelligence & independence would not be a barrier to meeting somone who was also intelligent and independent. Emotional stability would be far more important than designer labels, other women may be impressed with that but I have never met a man who would be, its just not a factor. On the flipside overly vain or consumerist women (not saying that you are one btw) would be offputting in my view.

Firetrap

OP, I'm a woman so perhaps my observations won't be as helpful as those from a man.

I get the impression from what you've posted that you're a driven woman who has put a lot of emphasis on material things (the designer clothes etc). I think it's telling that you said your neighbour's giving you dirty looks because you drive an Avensis whilst he drives a Punto.

Perhaps you should take a look at the sort of life you're living and try to chill out a bit more. Do you really need all those designer clothes and a big expensive car? If you're feeling under pressure because of your monthly repayments, it might be time to downsize. Would things really be that terrible if you bought your clothes in a high street shop and if you drove a Punto? Like I said, I'm not a man but I feel a bit intimidated by you.

seraphimvc

some will some wont,tbh,in this real world.but,since ye are in ireland,honestly,chances are slimer(the population),why?you need a financially and mentally strong man as you are a strong type of woman in our eyes.and no offense really,since when did you see irish men prefer strong type woman over the 'normal' ones? :pac:

Off Topic:
personally i prefer something challenging ,something different,something unique ,if i am looking for a life time partner.designer's clothes?that's a fine quality of a woman - i can bring her out to many balls/functions showing off around:pac: confident and 'know exactly what you want' type of women are very attractive imo.but then,i am a foreigner speaking here.

back on topic:
so,you are looking for the 1%-10% successful men out there,still single at his 30s.with the off topic tips of mine above of what kind of men you should be looking for,i bet OP will find a way for ye problem.good luck!!(trust me,i do know some people who is in 30s ,successful singles.)

Firetrap wrote: »

Perhaps you should take a look at the sort of life you're living and try to chill out a bit more. Do you really need all those designer clothes and a big expensive car? If you're feeling under pressure because of your monthly repayments, it might be time to downsize. Would things really be that terrible if you bought your clothes in a high street shop and if you drove a Punto? Like I said, I'm not a man but I feel a bit intimidated by you.

exactly my point,even from a woman.chill out - that's the way of irish culture.

i dont see the problem of pursuing what you want in your life.we always hope for something better,ain't we?well ,defo on my case.i am always aiming to make the best out of myself .if you want good food,good clothes,good car,big house,you will need to work your ass off,simple as.other wise,chill out(like most people do).

af_thefragile

you've gotta first learn to love yourself before you can properly love others. You've gotta love others expecting nothing in return for them to love you back.

Its that simple. In theory...

Lillyella

OP - I kinda get the impression that you allow the fact that you have your own house (which you are working hard to pay the mortgage on), car and good job to define you as a person.

These are just run of the mill extras that most women in their 30's would have.

I would strongly doubt that any man sees this as an issue, but if you find that it perhaps is, maybe its the vibes that you give out surrounding them.

And who are these men that would prefer women to stay at home watching daytime t.v? Can I have their number please?

Evolute

OP I have to say this fair balls to you and you will find the right man I like independant women and I reckon any man to grab you is one lucky SOB dont be disheartened keep at it and screw the neighbour sounds like a right arse hole. Next time he gives ya a filthy look say whats wrong you jealous?:D

woop

men in general dont want someone thats going to hang out of them but you are very independent it has to be said, I know plenty of women thatd be independent and still dont want to move into a house without a man by theyre side

but to be honest I would say fair play to you for doing it but you seem too busy with the daily grind/living of life and seem have thrown yourself into that

and if youre under financial strain maybe get a yaris? I think the punto comment is not relevant

Mulan

Material, material, material.
Any hobbies, interests? Is there anything that sets you apart from the thousands of independant women (this should be 'people' really) out there.
You have empty measures for your success.

I'm a man with a punto by the way. It ticks over like a mouses heart. It takes me to great places. It takes me home to my wife and kids also.

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Go on, try it.

JayeL

Leaving aside the fact that you own your own home, own a big car and have designer clothes, just looking at the person described in the first post, I think you haven't got enough time to be someone's girlfriend. You're clearly driven, but you've also let this lifestyle define you and you've decided some men won't like you for it.

My wife and I could probably find jobs that would give us more money. We could work long hours and drive an Avensis too. We could have a bigger house, fancy clothes. But to be honest, it never occured to us because we want to be finished at 5pm every day. We don't want to come home only to watch the other one sleep.

If I were single, I'd be more worried about going out with someone who feels that everything she's outlined above is actually important.

pickarooney

Aside from a seemingly overwhelming need to validate yourself through your achievements and material possessions, you seem to have a penchant for second-guessing what people are thinking with no apparent evidence to back it up. You also sound kind of stressed-out and angry. None of these are what I would consider attractive qualities, but I'm sure you have other ones which are and which, if you let them speak for you, might garner you more happiness (as opposed to success) with men.

Carrigart Exile

pickarooney wrote: »

Aside from a seemingly overwhelming need to validate yourself through your achievements and material possessions, you seem to have a penchant for second-guessing what people are thinking with no apparent evidence to back it up. You also sound kind of stressed-out and angry. None of these are what I would consider attractive qualities, but I'm sure you have other ones which are and which, if you let them speak for you, might garner you more happiness (as opposed to success) with men.

Exactly, plus OP for your own health and well being you need to carefully look at your own life. You sound three pay cheques from poverty, is that really the life you want? With regard to the dirty looks when you park your car, could it be down to poor parking?

noel farrell

cop on pride is your problem an aventis is a very average car not top of the range designer clothes only impress other woman most men wouldent be bothered one way or the other you seem to be full of youself take a few days off chill out have a good talk with yourself go for a simple life and be happy best of fortune in future hope you get your man cheers

Caoimhín

OP, i really have to agree with some of the lads here. I find strong, intelligent and independent women attractive. Its the materialism that turns me off. The car you drive and the clothes you wear are irrelevant, a good personality and being a good person is what matters.

eamon234

Caoimhín wrote: »

OP, i really have to agree with some of the lads here. I find strong, intelligent and independent women attractive. Its the materialism that turns me off. The car you drive and the clothes you wear are irrelevant, a good personality and being a good person is what matters.

Agree absolutely - mind you judging by some of the people I work with there are plenty of shallow and materialistic guys out there too so she might get lucky!:D

von Neumann

Hi Op, most people get involved in relationships to have a laugh and have somebody to distract them from the humdrum serious stuff like mortatages and pensions. While I applaude you for being independent, I would wonder if your coming across too serious and may be a little materialistic.

It's a bit of a catch 22, we like partners who are independent and know what they're are doing with their lifes but who are not too serious or stressed out .

Duckjob

No offence OP but you seem to be more fixated on the material trappings accumulated by people than the people themselves.

Speaking personally I'd find that a major turn off.

LegacyUser

In my experience, the more modern men like independent, confident women.
I do know a couple of old school types in their 30s who don't want their wives to work and prefer them to stay at home producing kids, but in the main a man won't want a leech for a girlfriend.

However, a huge turn-off is the second guessing you're doing. You're assuming an awful lot, the comment about your neighbour's car made me laugh out loud.

Listen, I'm earning over 60,000 and I choose not to drive a BMW/Audi/Merc.
I choose not to buy into the glossy ads and mags telling me that as an independent woman I should be living in X, driving Y and wearing Z.
And you know what?
It's so liberating not to give a flying fcuk what car anybody else drives or where they got their shoes.
I genuinely don't care what randomers think about me and the car I drive because I'm happy.
Possessions mean nothing, they don't enrich you as a person.

Mulan wrote: »

Material, material, material.
Any hobbies, interests? Is there anything that sets you apart from the thousands of independant women (this should be 'people' really) out there.
You have empty measures for your success.

I'm a man with a punto by the way. It ticks over like a mouses heart. It takes me to great places. It takes me home to my wife and kids also.

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Go on, try it.

Fantastic post. What makes you different from the thousands of other Avensis-driving, home-owning women in Ireland?

St Bill

Mulan wrote: »

I'm a man with a punto by the way. It ticks over like a mouses heart. It takes me to great places. It takes me home to my wife and kids also.

I think this has got to be the nicest thing I've ever heard
This is exactly what a car is for, it takes you to the places you want to go. It might be a symbol of money and success for some, but at the end of the day money and success aren't there to listen to you and support you when life isn't going too well.
Look OP you've done well for yourself, don't see your way of life as a barrier to meeting someone. However, if you're questioning your way of life, maybe it's not the right path for you.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

OP, I'm a woman so perhaps my observations won't be as helpful as those from a man.

I get the impression from what you've posted that you're a driven woman who has put a lot of emphasis on material things (the designer clothes etc). I think it's telling that you said your neighbour's giving you dirty looks because you drive an Avensis whilst he drives a Punto.

Perhaps you should take a look at the sort of life you're living and try to chill out a bit more. Do you really need all those designer clothes and a big expensive car? If you're feeling under pressure because of your monthly repayments, it might be time to downsize. Would things really be that terrible if you bought your clothes in a high street shop and if you drove a Punto? Like I said, I'm not a man but I feel a bit intimidated by you.

OP here, thank you all for the replies. Because I’m posting unreg boards isn’t letting me multi-quote all of the replies in one post.

Lots of people have picked up on the car and clothes. The main reason for this is my job, I work in the legal world where the women are all so stylish. If I wasn’t working in an environment where appearance and grooming is so important I wouldn’t bother with this as much. I own plenty of high street clothes and the more expensive stuff gets bought in sales. Women in the legal world are so materialistic and tend to judge one another on appearances. I don’t like that but it’s the reality. I totally agree than men don’t care about clothes much. But I have to dress to fit in with my work environment. The credit crunch recession hasn’t changed this at all. In fact people seem more paranoid than ever about looking professional. I’m certainly not buying new clothes all the time. A lot of the clothes are expensive investment pieces in dark colours so they can be worn for years.
This will probably make me sound more materialistic but I’m just trying to explain that it goes with my job. If I did a different job none of this would be important. I was lurking in the legal forum here last week and a girl who asked for advice for an interview got told to go for a manicure and a blow-dry beforehand. I was shocked when I read it but it actually was helpful advice.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Unregistered wrote: »

.My male neighbour always gives me filthy looks when he sees me park my Avensis next to his Fiat Punto.

all that money and you still have to live beside a guy with a punto and who is so sad he gives dirty looks to somone with a toyota.hope he never meets anyone with a beamer/merc my neighbour has a newer car than me which i would love but i do not give her dirty looks because of it tho i do admire the car

LegacyUser

woop wrote: »

men in general dont want someone thats going to hang out of them but you are very independent it has to be said, I know plenty of women thatd be independent and still dont want to move into a house without a man by theyre side

but to be honest I would say fair play to you for doing it but you seem too busy with the daily grind/living of life and seem have thrown yourself into that

That annoys me for some reason. I'm definitely not saying it's wrong but I find it interesting.

It gives me this image of someone saying she is independent when she isn't really. In my opinion a women who wouldn't move into a house without a man by her side is not independent. *Awaits new thread about what defines independent*

newestUser

I agree that you come across as materialistic. I don't find that attractive.

I went out on a couple of dates with a girl (woman?!?) who sounds like you. Had her own house, which she was doing up, a car, was doing well in a career that (as she painted it) was difficult to do well in. Had loads of extracurricular activities, had just started an MA, doing language classes, etc. etc.

While she was fanciable, I found her 'perpetual motion' thing unattractive. She wasn't chilled out, or relaxed, she seemed tightly wound up. And she seemed slightly angry at times, and came across as a bit of a d!ckhead occasionally (she seemed quite judgemental of people, dismissing others as losers quite unfairly. Why is someone a knob because they show you pictures of their kids at work?). She seemed to pride herself on her stubborness and determination, but I thought it caused her to have 'tunnel-vision', and as Wibbs would put it, she'd rather be right than happy.

Judgemental, unpleasant, sour and narrow-minded are not adjectives you'd want rattling around anyone's head when they think of you. As I said though, she was fanciable, and I'm totally focussing on her negative qualities, she had positive stuff going for her too. I just think her lifestyle was bringing out all these nasty traits in her, and she couldn't see it.

LegacyUser

To be fair, if I was in my thirties and single, with no kids and with a decent education behind me ... I'd feel it was a given that I'd have the house of my dreams and a NICE car (Avensis...?) Designer clothes - yup, if that's what you're into, why not when you've the money for them and no other responsibilities. As for the masters, lifelong education is a great idea, and if it'll help your career, great. Many, many people do exams while working fulltime; a lot of those have kids etc to look after as well so I don't see how it could stress you out THAT much. If you're finding it so hard to pay the bills, I'm sure there are some extravagances in your lifestyle that you can afford to cut back on.

As for men being put off? I hear opposites attract, so just try to avoid any materialistic obnoxious deluded narcissists ...

Nevyn

Firstly don't get too wond up about what your mates say, they are you friends but they are not the type of man who would be attracted to you.

Secondly your life seems very busy and rather stressful and who wants to be with at person who is always busy and has such a high passed pressurised life ?
Do you have time and space in your life for a relationship ?

Thirdly you will always get men who view a woman in her 30s as wanting to settled down right away and start having kids while she can which is a pain in the bum.

Fourthly it's not that long ago that we didn't have women like your self in this country and it's a new and strange thing to a lot of men and they are intimidated by it or else suffer from lack of self esteem and don't think they would be good enough for you or able to live up to your standards.

A lot of men want the woman in their relationship to be the little woman for fear if she is not then that makes them a little man.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I’m almost 30, have my own house, car, job, quite a few designer clothes, etc. I’m doing a part-time masters which on top of my regular job is leaving me exhausted. I’ve always been very independent and I can support myself financially so long as I continue to work. My life probably looks attractive to a lot of people and mostly I like it but I’m under constant financial pressure to keep up the payments on all of these things, mortgage, car loan, household bills to pay on my own.
Lately I’ve been getting the impression from male friends that they would run a mile from women like me. They wouldn’t want a woman who’s exhausted from working all the time and stressed about finances, etc the rest of the time. I’m definitely not a workaholic, I have to work a lot of hours to pay the mortgage, etc on my own. I am aware that all this responsibility has made me much less fun/carefree than I would have been a few years ago.
To be honest I’ve always looked down on women who expect men to support them and I’ve noticed plenty of threads here saying the woman should be paying half of bills/rent/nights out, etc.
But a few of my male friends seem to prefer women who have no interest in working. They seem to think women who stay at home, keep the house clean, watch daytime television and don’t buy many clothes are less hassel.
The men don’t seem to be interested in being supportive of someone like me. They would be happier with someone they have to support financially than to be providing emotional support to me when I get stressed about exams and bills.
This is bothering me because I’d love to meet someone but I really don’t seem to be what they’re looking for. A man who chatted me up recently proudly told me about the building site he has. I was thinking “I have a house, it’s costing me loads, I don’t need another one”. Obviously I never told him that but if he had heard about my situation/lifestyle he wouldn’t have been interested. He would have been much happier with a woman who needed a man to support her.My male neighbour always gives me filthy looks when he sees me park my Avensis next to his Fiat Punto.
Oh and I’m not a big drinker and I hate sport, that doesn’t seem to help either.
Would appreciate opinions on this,
Thanks

It's great that you are doing so well for yourself.

I love independent women and could never see myself with someone who expected not to work but I never see myself with someone who is married to a job.

I have no interest in cars (I drive a 10 year old car) though I would have no problem with a gf/partner driving a nice car but I wouldn't go out with someone who thought that the latest model mattered. Or with someone who buys brand new cars - waste of money. Why not just save the money and retire a year earlier?

You are under pressure to pay off a car loan - I bought my car for €1000, have had it for 3 years and expect to have it for another few - and I love going out with girls who don't care that it's old, that it's dented and who don't care that people might think I drive a **** car. It's to do with my priorities. What's more important - a newer car or more free time/holiday/weekend away?

You seem to give a lot of time over to your career - for me, I couldn't go out with someone who felt that a career / getting up that corporate ladder was important. Obviously money is necessary but not at the expense of living life.

Designer clothes? If they look good then great - I love women who are happy wearing something they got in TK Maxx for a bargain and are delighted that they got a bargain but can throw it together with something designer and look great.

A big turn off for me though is women who think that owning a €250 pair of jeans is something to be proud of - the fact that they are telling me that they cost so much is crass. The fact that they spent that much on jeans would tell me that we are incompatible.

I work for myself btw. I value my free time. I am a bit of a hippy at heart and that's the type of girl I look for.

Reading back over your post, it seems to be all about money.

What do you have a passion for? What do you love doing? What are your hobbies? What would you like to get out of life (not career wise).

What type of guy are you looking for?

PixelTrawler

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thank you all for the replies. Because I’m posting unreg boards isn’t letting me multi-quote all of the replies in one post.

Lots of people have picked up on the car and clothes. The main reason for this is my job, I work in the legal world where the women are all so stylish. If I wasn’t working in an environment where appearance and grooming is so important I wouldn’t bother with this as much. I own plenty of high street clothes and the more expensive stuff gets bought in sales. Women in the legal world are so materialistic and tend to judge one another on appearances. I don’t like that but it’s the reality. I totally agree than men don’t care about clothes much. But I have to dress to fit in with my work environment. The credit crunch recession hasn’t changed this at all. In fact people seem more paranoid than ever about looking professional. I’m certainly not buying new clothes all the time. A lot of the clothes are expensive investment pieces in dark colours so they can be worn for years.
This will probably make me sound more materialistic but I’m just trying to explain that it goes with my job. If I did a different job none of this would be important. I was lurking in the legal forum here last week and a girl who asked for advice for an interview got told to go for a manicure and a blow-dry beforehand. I was shocked when I read it but it actually was helpful advice.

Woah... you've gone from sounding very independent to needy in one post!
You have to fit in? What, are you seven?

If you have to wear certain things to fit in with these people, I wouldnt bother. They sound a very shallow bunch. You said yourself you are struggling to pay for this lifestyle.

Can I ask, are you happy?

I think you need to sort out a few things yourself first and learn to give less of a crap what other people think. You are being ruled by others and their expectations - hardly an independent woman.

(I dont mean to be harsh, just seriously you need to do a little stock taking on your direction in life)

It comes across as you are simply lonely - all this stuff you have to buy to fit in, the car, the clothes, and now wondering if men will like you.

Any hobbies & interests outside the job? You need to spend time out of that circle

I bet you have some lovely qualities if you sat back and relaxed a bit more, wear the high street stuff as the clothes you wear could be putting off a lot of men (independent is good but the big power business woman look is not) and just enjoy life first - then you'll meet someone when you lest expect it.

Nevyn

Is feeling you need to fit in in order to be loved or to find someone to date or be romantically invovled with needy ?

I don't think so it is something that is impressed on us from the time we are very young.

PixelTrawler

Thaedydal wrote: »

A lot of men want the woman in their relationship to be the little woman for fear if she is not then that makes them a little man.

I'm not so sure. Well maybe some but i wouldnt say a lot as if its the majority.

I cant even imagine thinking that way and id pretty sure most of the lads i know wouldnt either.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Is feeling you need to fit in in order to be loved or to find someone to date or be romantically invovled with needy ?

I don't think so it is something that is impressed on us from the time we are very young.

I think at a very fundamental level it is.
Theres a need being expressed here. A need to fit it and be accepted. A need to find a man.
But we can agree to disagree on this point

I also dont remember this being impressed upon me either - people can take me as i am or not, its up to them. Thats the way I was brought up and it was damn good advice

by8auj6csd3ioq

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,....
Lots of people have picked up on the car and clothes.

well it is certainly better than going around in a track suit. women who dress well and are independent impress me. i could not have anyone who see themselves as nothing more than an extension of their husband. i know women like that

The main reason for this is my job, I work in the legal world where the women are all so stylish.

change jobs?

Women in the legal world are so materialistic and tend to judge one another on appearances. .

not meaning to put you down but if you are so caught up in appearances how come you only have an avensis. bet some of these corporate lawers have merc/bmw etc. in fact i am reminded of one i know who entered the legal profession and had to have a merc even tho it is a 99 reg. but no matter how much you have there will always be someone with more

alos does one have to spend a lot to look smart? i do not know if a women is wearing designer or not but like women who look smart and are intelligent /independent. But some women who are materialistic are very cold/sneaky and bring the coldness needed to succeed in business to personal relationships

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Women in the legal world are so materialistic and tend to judge one another on appearances.

So what? Some women (and men) across every industry judge by appearances. It doesn't mean it's right or important.

You choose to buy into it or you can choose to buck the trend and think for yourself.

Unregistered wrote: »

If I did a different job none of this would be important.

Here's the thing, none of that IS important. In the grand scheme of things, you can't hug your Avensis at night. Look, there will always be people who buy into status symbols. Nothing wrong with it per se, but we've created a society where people who can't afford them feel they must have them anyway.

You seem to have put awful pressure on yourself to 'appear' to have it all, the house, the car, the masters.
Are they all really important to you or have you got into a situation where appearances are everything?

On the original topic about men, generally they're a simple sort!
Not as in stupid, but men aren't into drama, stress, hassle, high-maintenance. There's a reason old man pubs exist - so guys can head in, have a pint and read the paper in peace, watch the footie.
Maybe you need your own version of the old man's pub, somewhere or something you can do that's your own 'nothing' time.
It sounds like you don't actually have time for a relationship.

SarahSassy

I think a lot of responses are getting caught up with the material aspect of this girl...

I have had numerous discussions lately on a similar topic as I have a number of successful, funny, warm, independent friends who are perpetually single... I do think OP has a point in that a lot of guys in our age bracket want someone who will be less driven / successful / independent as they are and as one male friend of mine said ' There are girls you go out with and then there are girls that you marry' - his implication was that you want a quiet life then you need a quiet wife...

A lot of men view a girl with your lifestyle and qualifications as a bit of a ball breaker and someone who may end up being hard work.. Its not fair and its not right but there are few men who want a life partner who is their equal (or more) in terms of job status, pay and independence...

I think its down to biology - they dont want a woman to run off on them and the more dependent on them she is, then the less likely she will leave.

by8auj6csd3ioq

they dont want a woman to run off on them and the more dependent on them she is, then the less likely she will leave.

saddos

To be honest I’ve always looked down on women who expect men to support them

just wondered OP do you want some one you consider your equal i.e corporate or would you date someone who is disabled /unemployed/on minimum wage/living in a flat or renting. would you look down on them

Mulan

What about the "dress down friday" situation in many work places.
To me its one of the saddest things in the modern world.

What ya think

Nevyn

Mulan
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Mulan

Sorry Folks

Firetrap

OP, now that you've filled us in on what you work at and why you need the designer clothes, we can get a better picture of what you're like.

I get the impression that you're a very career driven woman. It's great that you're successful and have your own house etc. but I wonder is this taking over your life? Perhaps your neighbour isn't jealous of you but because you come across as being a bit snobby? Maybe all he sees of you is this smartly dressed woman dashing out to her big car in the morning and going back in at at night without even acknowledging him. It's funny how people can form impressions of others.

Perhaps it's time to take a look at yourself and how you behave towards others. I'm not saying you're being rude to anyone but maybe you should smile a bit more or be friendlier.

Darragh29

Just going from what I've read in your post, what would put me off immediately would be the fact that you are spending money on things like designer clothes and according to what you have said, you can't actually afford these things.

Each to their own I suppose but designer clothes are more about a label than anything else I think, I'd find this designer mentality a complete turn off.

DenMan

Hi OP

You say you are an independent woman who has her own house and car. That is fantastic. The only problem with that is you are allowing yourself to become the things you do not like seeing in your work colleagues. A lot of them are very concerned about how they are perceived by themselves and also by others. tbh that sounds very one dimensional and very narrow minded. You need to look at yourself. What do you enjoy doing outside of work? What is it that makes you stand out from others? Everybody is unique and it is that uniqueness that makes us stand out to others. Everybody at some point in their lives wants to fit in to a group, social circle etc. You are doing this right now because of the other girls around you. They are determining what you are and they person you are becoming.

Take a step back and ask yourself "is this what I want in my life". You are not being independent, you are allowing others to dictate how you are being seen. Do something good for yourself at the weekend. Join a weekend course (art, music, writing)....whatever takes your fancy. Is there anything you wanted to do before but never had the time or just lost interest in. Maybe you were never encouraged. Put the legal life as far away from yourself and concentrate on you. Write down what you like doing and also what you do not enjoy doing. It will give you a solid foundation to work on. Don't go looking for guys in places where you feel you will meet them, i.e bars etc.

When I worked in Malta I got involved in music. I jammed with a band. I enquired about a band and there wasn't one. So I decided to form one. From there I met a girl and went out with her because we had a common interest. I didn't go out looking for her, it just happened. Best things will come to you when you least expect them. If you enjoy writing, joining a creative writing workshop. If there isn't one, go and form one yourself. Put up advertisements in your local library, paper, online and see what happens.

Your job seems to be really getting you down. The legal world is very competitive and can be a cuthroat industry to be involved. It also can be soul destroying. I have known a few friends who are in that world and the majority of them do not like it one bit. The are always other avenues for you to explore. There are many roads out there. If the one you are currently on is taking you away from where you should be going, then stop and look around and get back on the path you feel you should be on.

I love writing by the way. I find it very relaxing and it allows the mind to open up and expand. If writing is not for you then find out what is best for you. I don't dislike you. I feel you are trapped and need to look at yourself. In fact I like you because you are looking at what is missing in you life right now. That it brilliant. Well done. Now look at yourself.

Good luck with it OP.

Den

Fanny Cradock

It's probably been said before, but from reading your post you mention that you are stressed, exhausted, financially strained, preoccupied with the notion of being independent (yet seeking a man at the same time) and maybe just a little too consumed with having your labels etc.

Flip that around and I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't be too interested in a man who described his life as you describe yours. Maybe you need to start reorganising your priorities. As it stands, I don't think you could give somebody you care for the time they would deserve.

cantdecide

I have friend may be a little like you who has a habit of pushing decent men away because she is a) wrapped up in her own self importance 2) too stingy with the love. We men like our tenderness, too. It's great that you're independent but if you're permanently 'on a mission', that's not an attractive trait to either male or female.

PS, I wouldn't see a lady with an Avensis. For someone who seems to know what you want, you were certainly in a rush to sell yourself short:D:D:D

luckat

Work-life balance ftw.

Alarm bells always ring for me when someone defines themselves as an -oholic, whether it's drink, sex, drugs, work, smokes, gambling, or any other addiction.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I's so glad I posted this thread, the responses have given me loads to think about.

Emersyn Steep Waterworks wrote: »

not meaning to put you down but if you are so caught up in appearances how come you only have an avensis. bet some of these corporate lawers have merc/bmw etc. in fact i am reminded of one i know who entered the legal profession and had to have a merc even tho it is a 99 reg. but no matter how much you have there will always be someone with more

alos does one have to spend a lot to look smart? i do not know if a women is wearing designer or not but like women who look smart and are intelligent /independent. But some women who are materialistic are very cold/sneaky and bring the coldness needed to succeed in business to personal relationships

LOl. Don't have a BMW because I've had the car since I was on a lower training salary and after that all money went on the house deposit. I have no interest in cars anyway. If I had spare cash I'd be spending it on home improvements.

It's not necessary to spend a lot on clothes to look smart but if the women you worked with all wore clothes from Brown Thomas, turning up in suits from Dunnes every day would eventually make you feel inferior to them.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

It's not necessary to spend a lot on clothes to look smart but if the women you worked with all wore clothes from Brown Thomas, turning up in suits from Dunnes every day would eventually make you feel inferior to them.

There's only one person who can make you feel the way you do - I'll give you one guess who that is.....

Someone wondered earlier if you'd be attracted to a man who described himself and his life like you did. It's a great question. What are you looking for in a guy?

LegacyUser

just wondered OP do you want some one you consider your equal i.e corporate or would you date someone who is disabled /unemployed/on minimum wage/living in a flat or renting. would you look down on them
__________________

He needs to be able to support himself financially. Minimum pay is fine, I don't require expensive gifts or for him to wear expensive clothes. I did go out with somebody very wealthy a few years back while I was still in college and the money really wasn't relevant. I loved the nights in front of the tv with a takeaway + bottle of wine. A very average salary can pay for that.

Firetrap wrote: »

OP, now that you've filled us in on what you work at and why you need the designer clothes, we can get a better picture of what you're like.

I get the impression that you're a very career driven woman. It's great that you're successful and have your own house etc. but I wonder is this taking over your life? Perhaps your neighbour isn't jealous of you but because you come across as being a bit snobby? Maybe all he sees of you is this smartly dressed woman dashing out to her big car in the morning and going back in at at night without even acknowledging him. It's funny how people can form impressions of others.

Perhaps it's time to take a look at yourself and how you behave towards others. I'm not saying you're being rude to anyone but maybe you should smile a bit more or be friendlier.

I always smile and say hello. ALWAYS. If he bothers to look out his window he also sees me putting the wheelie bin out in my pyjamus and my jeans and ugg boots look at the weekend. I always used to be really friendly and girly and chatty, I still am but that has to be toned down for work. I don't socialise much but when I do it's never with work people. I never talk about work unless people ask. I'm more likely to be talking about the X-factor or similar.

MIN2511

Inferiority is all in the head.....

I would tell you a secret, it's not what you wear it's how you carry yourself and represent yourself.