She is seeing him again!!

LegacyUser

Okay I will try keep this brief, I really do not know what to do for the best. My friend was seeing a guy for a long time this year and seemed extremely happy, then he cheated on her and her world collapsed around her she was devastated, I was there to pick up the pieces, had her sob on my shoulder and cry herself to sleep.

But he pleaded his case and she gave him another chance, you guessed it, yes he cheated again and now months on I have found out that she is seeing him again! She says it is just sex nothing else, but I know it is a lot more, her plans for the future, Christmas etc involve him but its all hush hush because none of her friends or family will have anything to do with him again.

I for one want to personally rearrange his face, because I know what a hold over her he has, he is a charmer, has promised her the world etc. he's a good liar so he's getting away with it.
She is a stunning woman and turns heads whenever I have been in her company, but she said she is not bothered and is happy the way things are. She has no future with this guy but she insists it's just sex, my head is melted, I hate to see her in this situation as she deserves nothing but the best in life and he is far from the best.

I don't know what to do, leave it be and just be there for her yet again, this could go on for years, or go approach him and tell him to stay away I know where he works so could wait for him there. Please help I would appreciate some positive feedback/suggestions.
Thanks

Wibbs

OK I would leave it be. She won't stop seeing him until the penny drops for her. Simple as that. She describes it as just sex? Partially true. So long as she fancies him, he'll have a hold over her and she'll justify the relationship until that passes. You can do little to support her. Indeed if you're a male friend, she'll just think you're into her. A female friend and she may think you jealous.

Stay out if it. You're not her keeper and you will be the bad boy/girl for reminding her of her stupidity. So just let her know by actions that you're there for her. I wouldn't do much of the constant shoulder to cry on though. Fine at first, but continuing that, usually enables people in bad behaviour.

Firetrap

Unfortunately, nothing you can do or say will stop this happening. I know this from personal experience - I remember having endless conversations with a friend who couldn't stay away from a guy who was a complete waster. She'd say he was a waster yet when he called/texted, all common sense flew out the door.

To be honest, all you can do is stay out of it and be there for your friend if she wants you. Interfering by going to talk to the boyfriend will just make your friend angry at you and you risk losing her as a friend.

LegacyUser

headmelted wrote: »

Okay I will try keep this brief, I really do not know what to do for the best. My friend was seeing a guy for a long time this year and seemed extremely happy, then he cheated on her and her world collapsed around her she was devastated, I was there to pick up the pieces, had her sob on my shoulder and cry herself to sleep.

But he pleaded his case and she gave him another chance, you guessed it, yes he cheated again and now months on I have found out that she is seeing him again! She says it is just sex nothing else, but I know it is a lot more, her plans for the future, Christmas etc involve him but its all hush hush because none of her friends or family will have anything to do with him again.

I for one want to personally rearrange his face, because I know what a hold over her he has, he is a charmer, has promised her the world etc. he's a good liar so he's getting away with it.
She is a stunning woman and turns heads whenever I have been in her company, but she said she is not bothered and is happy the way things are. She has no future with this guy but she insists it's just sex, my head is melted, I hate to see her in this situation as she deserves nothing but the best in life and he is far from the best.

I don't know what to do, leave it be and just be there for her yet again, this could go on for years, or go approach him and tell him to stay away I know where he works so could wait for him there. Please help I would appreciate some positive feedback/suggestions.
Thanks

Its a really hard thing to to, but for your own sake, let it be, getting involved will do nothing for you unfortunately....I cant say if i was in ure position what i would do, cos it is hard, in fact its a b***h. but the only thing to do is let her make her own mistakes...

Gyalist

Your post reads like that of a man who would like to be romantically involved with his good-looking friend but cannot understand why she isn't interested. Am I correct?

Nevyn

Logic and common sense may dictate one thing but it seems her heart and sex drive are going the other way.

All you can do if she is sticking her hand in the fire again is wait and try to be there for her.
We cant' live our friends lives for them, we can't stop them making the same mistake over until the learn. We can try and be there for them when the need us and hope that they will do the same for us, but there can come a time where you are enabling her so you have to walk away, hard one to make a call on.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

Your post reads like that of a man who would like to be romantically involved with his good-looking friend but cannot understand why she isn't interested. Am I correct?

OP here. No you are incorrect.

Slaygal

I went through almost exactly the same thing with a so called Friend of time, I lost count of the number of times I picked up the pieces after him dumped her yet again.
I stuck by her and kept my nose out of it .
At the time there was gang of us fellas and girls hanging around together, she repaid me by bad mouthing me to every single person in the group for a couple of months until one of the lads
(it must have been bad) rang me to let me know what was being said about me so I had it out with her and she accused me of being a bad friend !

So I cut all ties with her. Then out of the blue after six months of no conact she rang me at 11 pm after they had broken up again and expected me to pick up the pieces again, when I said I couldn't help her she hung up and then she had a go at me about 2 weeks later when I met her in the local shopping centre. My advice to you is to let her get on with it and forget her. In the long run you don't need someone like this in your life.

eimsRV

OP its hard to sit by and watch someone you care about make the same mistake time and time again, but unfortunately she has to learn herself that she has no future with him.

A close friend of mine was with a guy. He was very selfish and she always seemed like an after thought. They planned on buying a house together, but his mother decided he should buy by himself and gave him money on the condition he buy by himself. So he did, without consulting his GF. Then a few months later he cheated on her, broke up, got back together. This happened a few times and I was always there for her. Then she went a year without being with him, but he turned up again and she decided to give it another go. Obviously I was against it, as were my other friends but it was her life. In order to perserve our friendship we had a chat, and I told her I couldnt listen to her go on about him again as I'd feel like a hypocrite giving advice! So a year on we are still friends but she doesnt go in to detail about him, whether its to moan about him or say how wonderful he is! It makes me sad cos its lovely to be able to share the joys of a relationship with friends. Anyway they are still together and she seems happy.

Maybe have a chat with your friend and say you will always be there for her, but as you dont agree with what she is doing you dont want to have discussions about the guy and their "relationship".
Best of luck.

Gyalist

headmelted wrote: »

OP here. No you are incorrect.

Thanks for clarifying.

I for one want to personally rearrange his face, because I know what a hold over her he has, he is a charmer, has promised her the world etc. he's a good liar so he's getting away with it.

Do you really think that risking a criminal record and possible jail sentence is the best way to save your friend from herself?

She is a stunning woman and turns heads whenever I have been in her company, but she said she is not bothered and is happy the way things are. She has no future with this guy but she insists it's just sex, my head is melted, I hate to see her in this situation as she deserves nothing but the best in life and he is far from the best.

Your thinking here is all messed up. No one deserves anything. Your friend has to find out for herself that the life choices she makes all have consequences.

I don't know what to do, leave it be and just be there for her yet again, this could go on for years, or go approach him and tell him to stay away I know where he works so could wait for him there. Please help I would appreciate some positive feedback/suggestions.
Thanks

Stay way from the guy's workplace. The relationship is nothing to do with you and there is no need for you to become a third party in it. You've received some good advice from the previous posters on how to deal with your friend.

peanuthead

OP

Im in a similar situation at the moment with a friend, and the bottom line is this: There is ultimately nothing you can do, and she will only stop seeing him when she decides to.

You have to be honest with her about how you feel though. Dont pretend to get on with him for her sake, this wont help. However at the same time, you can't stop seeing her until she finishes with him, because then you are punishing her for what he did. You need to make it clear to your friend that although you respect her decision (you have no choice but to respect it, you cant change it, and she is your friend after all) you cannot, and will not be involved in nights out that include him. You will more than happily go out with her, but just not when he's around.

Also, I found that in these situations, the way to really get to the guy, is to just not say anything to him at all. Men are not like women, they actually react positively to a woman coming over to them and shouting abuse in their faces. They can justify hating you then, and convince your friend you're mad or bitter. He will be alot more confused and wary of you if you say nothing. Nothing scares men more than the sight of an unpredictable woman.

I know its tough for you but you just have to be honest with her, but dont preach to her. In the back of her mind she knows she is doing the wrong thing, but she's obviously not ready to give up on him yet. And you cant blame her for that really. You just have to be ready to be there WHEN it happens again.