Feel like a bad parent.

LegacyUser

Sorry folks, this is kind of long...

I'm a 20 year old single parent. My daughter is almost 2 years old, her birthday is next month. She seems to me like a happy child, always smiling and laughing and up to the usual mischeif that they are at this stage but I can't help but feel that I don't do enough for her at times. I know I'm not the only single parent in the world, but parenthood is not something I've ever really adjusted to. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter but I find it really tough, I dont feel I'm cut out for it at all.

I broke up with her father when she was 3 weeks old. I still live at home with my Dad and brother, he still lives at home too. His mother will take my daughter from Friday evening until Sunday evening which I am of course extremely grateful for, it gives me a break and a chance to go out and see my friends. I sit at home all week and I'm just not used to it at all. My Dad works long hours and at times I feel pretty lonely. Most of my friends work and/or live quite a bit away so its hard to even visit people sometimes. I find staying home and raising my girl to be quite a challenge at times. I get frustrated easily and I constantly feel tired and run down. Because I can be such a grump at times with my daughter it makes me feel pretty useless, because I know she deserves more. My ex may live at home and see her when shes down with his mother at the weekends, but he doesnt spend time with her- he goes out and does his own thing. I'm not saying he shouldnt be able to but he wont stay in one night with her. He told me recently he hates being a parent and doesn't feel a thing for her, he finds it difficult. It makes me feel bad that this person is her father.

I feel disappointed in my self that I cant offer her a stable, proper home like she deserves. There are times I stress and worry about money, what she's gonna eat tomorrow etc. I always manage but I wish things were more comfortable. My cousin had a baby boy 6 months ago and he has everything you could think of. She's still with his father, they make such a nice family but I cant help and feel jealous that shes so happy and everythings working out okay for her. She's at tech doing hairdressing, in her final year, her boyfriend works and my aunt/her mother takes her son so she can finish her course. I worked part time until my mother moved to Scotland in June and I was proud of myself because I had money coming in and I was supporting my daughter by myself. I don't know how my cousin does it, I'm exhausted as it is and I'm not at class full time on top of being a parent.

I also feel like people are constantly critizing my parenting. My grandfather rang my mother to complain once about the fact my daughters trousers were a little too long on her- personally I think that's pretty stupid, but it still got to me. I'm trying my best. An aunt of mine arrived once and started telling me off because I didnt have a jacket on her in the house (even though she had a long sleeve top on and there was a fire on!). I don't really need people complaining to me about silly stuff, I feel bad enough as it is at times.

I dont even really know what the point of this post is lol, but I just feel so fed up and like I'm not doing a very good job at this parenting thing to be honest. I'm really lonely too, my Dad works long hours so Im home all day until maybe 8pm sometimes. Hmm, I dont know, any advice on what I can do to pick myself up would be good .

gerTheGreat

Hi
First off, it sounds like you're a bit lonely. Maybe you could join a mother/toddler group. That way, you get to meet and interact with adults and spend time with your daughter. Plus she may even be able to make some friends.

As for the relatives critising, they are just trying to help. Clearly though they are over stepping the boundaries a bit. I think you have to tell them politely that you apreachiate their advices, but you feel that you know best. This can be very dificult to pull off, as some people will take it as a personal attack, so avoid a shouting match, etc.

As for the ex, there's not a hugh amount that you can do. Once he's not bringing your daughter to the bookies or something else inappropriate, he's within his right to spend time with her as he pleases.

As for the thoughts about your cousin, the grass is always greener... She has difficulites too, though admitadly she has her partner to help her. You said that she's doing a course. Is that something that you'd like to do too? Maybe you could ask your parents to help you with that. They are a lot of evening courses out there that are only 2 or 3 hours in the evening on one or two days.

I'll finish by saying that you've a hard job, but it's a truely rewarding one. You've a daughter who loves you and seems happy, so clearly you must be doing a good job. My final word of advise is don't ever be afraid to ask for help.

Ger

John Mason

Get yourself down the local mothers and toddlers group and stop sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself.

you owe it to your daughter to get off your back side and change your life instead of just sitting moaning about how crap it is.

i am assuming you are not working, so why not go and re-train with FAS or a VEC they all have creches attached to them.

their is so much you could be doing but you have to make the effort. Life is going to one just rock up and knock on your door say "hi, how are you, do you fancy a new life"

Mr. Incognito

Listen,

all your daughter is going to remember is your love. If she has that she's the luckiest child in the world.

Trinity

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I wen tthrough this with my first son now 8 and my newest arrival who is now 1.

COnstant feelings of guilt and inadequacy which i tried to buy away with toys after toys etc (which meant loan after loan) but it didnt change a thing. My 8 year olds father was never around either and i blamed myself for my son having no dad.

I'm not sure what advice to give you other than give yourself a break. Your child seems happy is clothed fed and given attention yes? The best thing you can do is spend quality time with the baby. Even if you are with her all day you may feel like you are not with her mentally. Set aside a half hour everyday to get down on the floor and play with her. The same time everyday and when you put her to bed put your

You are very very lucky to have the weekends to yourself make the most of it some of us do not get a break at all and i know you are grateful for it so make the most of it. You need to rest up when shes not there and that way you wont be as tired when you have her mid week.

Go out one night and chill the other. You have to balance out the 2. Recharge your batteries its not easy being a parent i havent had a break in 8 years tbh. Never been away and when they do stay out overnight, which is on a very rare occasion i am too tired to do anything as i drop them off at 7pm and collect them at 11am the next morning.

You are not responsible for her fathers actions either.

I dont really want to say anymore on thread but i understand perfectly what you are going through so feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat.

LolaDub

Op i feel for you, i really do. I'm a single parent too and i constantly feel i'm letting my daughter down. Tbh i think thats a part of being a parent. I would suggest doing things that involve getting out of the house during the day, maybe things like bringing you daughter to the park, going for a walk, etc. I sometimes take my daughter on a walk and when she falls asleep go into a local cafe with a paper and have a cup of tea, sometimes i do that when she's awake and she has some juice etc, she quite enjoys it.

I would advise getting involved in the parenting forum here, its really useful also as previous posters have said, check for mother and toddler groups in your area. rollercoaster.ie has a messageboard too that you can use to find other parent friends. If you're getting every weekend to yourself i think you're getting a good amount of time to yourself tbh, i think you need to spend more you and baby time outside of the home. I'm not sure where you live but some cinemas are doing parent/minder and child cinema screenings now. Dundrum does it on a tues morning where the ticket for you and baby is 7 euro and you get a cup of coffee/tea. I get out about 1-2 times a week for an evening. Nights out passed 12 are about 1 every month or two. Thats all part and parcel of being a parent, sure its tiring and hard at times but life is hard, if you didn't have your daughter you would still get down from time to time, thats life unfortunately. When you see your little girl laughing and happy doesn't that make you happy? Having a baby has brought me more joy than i've ever known and from your posts i think you feel similar.

I find people around me saying things about looking after her too. Its annoying but if you realise that its coming from a good place ie they care about your daughter enough to say what they think is right to look after her then it can be nice. I usually just tease someone or say nicely i'm her mother, i get the good and the bad i make the decisions. I've found people more likely to say to me now do you think she's warm enough as opposed to she's not warm enough.

I think you should stop blaming yourself for your ex's behaviour, if your daughter has a loving caring mother, then that will be enough.

Xyo

I know its tough but try not to worry so much.. Enjoy the time you have with you daughter. I imagine all parents love to look back on times when their children where younger with fond memories, last thing you want is memories of stress.

Don't worry about what other people have for their kids. I wasn't the most spoiled child ever in terms of possession but I was loved and that beats having toys any day.

RossFixxxed

I'd agree with most above me. And look the fact you do worry like this is actually a good sign that you're a concerned mother. THere's so many horror stories in the news at the moment. We need more mammies like you!

R

galwaydude

First of all dont beat yourself up, from the sounds of it you are doing a great job. Dont listen to what anyone else says about your parenting. You are doing a fantastic job and you should be proud of yourself. It gets easier im told well i hope so. I am the proud dad of a 14 month old girl and what you describe is exactly what most first parents go through even ourselves. The most important thing is yourself and your baby. Dont ever doubt that. You are only 20, its not the end of the world. Try and get out and meet new people.

Zillah

I don't really know much about parenting but by the sounds of it you're in a really difficult situation. Your heart is in the right place and you're clearly trying very hard. Soldier on, some people have given some suggestions about making it a little easier on yourself, but you seem to understand that your daughter is the top priority and that is admirable, if difficult for you personally.

The father is an issue I think you seriously need to think about. I think, for your daughter's own happiness and self esteem, it might be better if he wasn't around at all rather than around a little bit but completely uninterested. What he said about feeling nothing for her is a truely awful thing to say, you're clearly far more mature than he and I think you have an obligation to protect her from what could be a very upsetting influence in her life. An absent parent is preferable to an uncaring parent.

LegacyUser

Amduscia wrote: »

Sorry folks, this is kind of long...

I'm a 20 year old single parent. My daughter is almost 2 years old, her birthday is next month. She seems to me like a happy child, always smiling and laughing and up to the usual mischeif that they are at this stage but I can't help but feel that I don't do enough for her at times. I know I'm not the only single parent in the world, but parenthood is not something I've ever really adjusted to. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter but I find it really tough, I dont feel I'm cut out for it at all.

I broke up with her father when she was 3 weeks old. I still live at home with my Dad and brother, he still lives at home too. His mother will take my daughter from Friday evening until Sunday evening which I am of course extremely grateful for, it gives me a break and a chance to go out and see my friends. I sit at home all week and I'm just not used to it at all. My Dad works long hours and at times I feel pretty lonely. Most of my friends work and/or live quite a bit away so its hard to even visit people sometimes. I find staying home and raising my girl to be quite a challenge at times. I get frustrated easily and I constantly feel tired and run down. Because I can be such a grump at times with my daughter it makes me feel pretty useless, because I know she deserves more. My ex may live at home and see her when shes down with his mother at the weekends, but he doesnt spend time with her- he goes out and does his own thing. I'm not saying he shouldnt be able to but he wont stay in one night with her. He told me recently he hates being a parent and doesn't feel a thing for her, he finds it difficult. It makes me feel bad that this person is her father.

I feel disappointed in my self that I cant offer her a stable, proper home like she deserves. There are times I stress and worry about money, what she's gonna eat tomorrow etc. I always manage but I wish things were more comfortable. My cousin had a baby boy 6 months ago and he has everything you could think of. She's still with his father, they make such a nice family but I cant help and feel jealous that shes so happy and everythings working out okay for her. She's at tech doing hairdressing, in her final year, her boyfriend works and my aunt/her mother takes her son so she can finish her course. I worked part time until my mother moved to Scotland in June and I was proud of myself because I had money coming in and I was supporting my daughter by myself. I don't know how my cousin does it, I'm exhausted as it is and I'm not at class full time on top of being a parent.

I also feel like people are constantly critizing my parenting. My grandfather rang my mother to complain once about the fact my daughters trousers were a little too long on her- personally I think that's pretty stupid, but it still got to me. I'm trying my best. An aunt of mine arrived once and started telling me off because I didnt have a jacket on her in the house (even though she had a long sleeve top on and there was a fire on!). I don't really need people complaining to me about silly stuff, I feel bad enough as it is at times.

I dont even really know what the point of this post is lol, but I just feel so fed up and like I'm not doing a very good job at this parenting thing to be honest. I'm really lonely too, my Dad works long hours so Im home all day until maybe 8pm sometimes. Hmm, I dont know, any advice on what I can do to pick myself up would be good .

You shouldn't take everything to heart, you are only young and have obviously being doing a good job with your daughter if she is a happy little girl, you have had a tough two years, and I know how tough it can be having been there myself 13 years ago, but it does get easier and all you can do is your very best and don't let anyone get you down with stupid comments,people say things without even thinking! I am sure you are a wonderful mum, the fact that you are concerned show this. Keep positive and all will work out.

metrovelvet

Gotta love backseat driving and when it comes to parenting everyone is an expert. From haircuts to diet to you name it. You know what I say "go ahead then, give him a haircut, get him a jumper and while your at it YOU can get up 4 times in the middle of the night since you know everything."

People really underestimate how isolating it can be and the toll on your mental health this can have. Due to my circumstances, I havent had a day off or a night out since my son was born 17 months ago. There are days I want to drown myself just to get some sleep and some headspace.

While you can appreciate the space your child's father gives you with his taking her at the weekend, imo this isnt good for your child. She will pick up that he doesn't want her. Its too confusing to be both present and absent - if you get me.

Perhaps try to join some mother toddler groups - it will help you get out more while not having to spend money on a babysitter?

LegacyUser

OP do you have any other relatives like an Aunt you can talk to, I always believe that someone should always have 'that somebody' to talk to in times like these.
You are young and yes of course feeling lonely I myself am raising my daughter and sit in every week night with only the tv and pc for company. Her Dad takes her one night a weekend but I never go out as my friends are all married so again I sit in alone.

You have your life ahead of you and alot to look forward to, it may not seem like it right now because you are in a dark and lonely place, but make some goals to aim for in the future. When your daughter is couple of years older and able to do the simple things for herself eg.dress herself,wash herself, feed herself etc you will realise she is no longer 100% dependant on you, she will start school giving you more time to start working on those goals.

As for Daddy, this is not something you can help him with, let him sort himself out he is not your problem. I know of a few Dad's who are battling in courts to gain access to spend time with their children.

Just be there for your daughter, she is 2 year old now and your doing a great job and remember her smiles its a way of telling you 'I'm happy because your a great mum'.

LegacyUser

If you're worried about being not good enough, you are obviously a good mother! I imagine it seems like you have nowhere to go, and no way out. I think you probably need to find your self esteem again, but I imagine that is hard when you are living in your childhood home rather than becoming independent and making your own life for you and your little girl. Try to find a group that supports you as a mum and helps you make friends. Then try to look into the future and see something you want, like a nice home for you and your daughter and space and money and get a babysitter in and go on a date with a decent man. You are so young, you have a lot to look forward to. But you have to go find it and it is harder because you have a child who has to come first. I'm sure you can do it, just start small (like make some new friends who understand your situation) and go from there.