Advice needed to unmelt head.

daisydog

Hi everyone. I've been a lurker on boards for the past while and although I've read all the advice given to people in similar situations I would love to hear any views on mine.

I'm just starting on the process of a judicial separation; I've had all the initial paperwork for the past two weeks and am seeing my solicitor tomorrow to clarify a few things before I set them down on paper. It's been over a year since I've split up with my husband and although I really should have no regrets, I'm finding it hard. I mean, really I should be throwing myself into this to get it all behind me.

The past year has been a real eye-opener for me. The things that I've found out about the guy I spent 15 years with (and admitted by him for the most part) have shocked me. I've lost all confidence in my judgement about people and in myself. For a long time after we split I felt as if I was peeling back layer upon layer of lies. I got over that in a way but in another way I haven't. It's like now I need to have everything down in black and white legally to move on; at least now I won't have to feel like Alice through the Looking Glass dealing with him myself.

So basically, what I think I'm looking for is some advice from someone who's come through a relationship with someone who was a habitual liar, who tells you black is white and makes you doubt your own sanity. I still have to continue (some kind) of a relationship with him as there are kids involved. Luckily for me he's now living hours away and has the kind of job where he's out of the country for half the year so it isn't as if I have to bump into him every day. My head is still melted but hopefully going down the legal route will unmelt it eventually.

Neurotica

Hi daisydog,
Although I wasn't with my partner for the same length of time you where, I went through the same thing with an ex of mine. We were together for a year. The guy was a pathological liar and I didn't find out the full extent of it until we split up.

He lied about this family, about what jobs his brothers had etc, and lied about his own qualifications. He lied to me about where he was born, car/motorbike accidents he had, lied about an illness he had (and turned out he never had at all), every thing was just a pointless lie really. He tried to turn my friends against me and constantly stired things up and made up more lies to mess with my head. I'm not joking when I say that there was numerous times I turned to him and I said I felt like I was about to go insane. Truth was I never realised why I felt like that until he split up- he was an amazing liar about absolutely everything and everyone and confused me about a lot of things and people. My head was wrecked. He was mentally abusing on top of the whole thing and I think thats the main reason I had a mini breakdown at one point.

I understand how it feels to suddenly realise that this person you trusted with your life is really NOTHING like that person at all. My confidence was well and truly knocked and it made me question my judgement on every one else I knew in my life. What if someone else I knew was exactly like him, one big massive lie? Chances are sweetheart, your judgement about people you already know is probably correct. It's just that someone like that has ruined that for you, but dont let it. I'll not tell you I'm completely over it yet- its been about 6 month since we split- but I'm slowly getting back to myself. It was hard at the beginning and I doubted a lot of my friends for a while, but before I met him, I never had any reason to- think of things like that. It was a pathological liar putting these ideas in your head. I can totally understand the headmelt though, its tough. But chin up, you will be fine! You'll learn to trust your own judgement again, it'll just take time. Personally, I just disreguard everything my ex ever told me. Start from there. I don't really know what other advice I can offer you because it's hard to put in to words but you'll get yourself back before you know it.

not yet

Hi,
I've been divorced a year,seperated 5. I know how you must feel, my ex was a habitual liar. Lied about the most stupid things.

But it turned out she lied about the most important thing and that was US.
I really felt I was going to explode over the past 5 years,I found myself not believing anything she had to say,which was damaging my sanity.

I just got to a stage of ignoring whatever she had to say,not healthy I know but better then being lied to. As the old saying goes....time is a great healer.

So in essense what I'm trying to say is let him live with his problems, and you get on with your life.

daisydog

Thanks for that.

Why I think that it's all hitting me again is starting on the whole legal process. Sitting down with a total stranger and going through all these aspects of your life, financial and everything else, means that in a way life over the past few years has been mapped out in front of you. But still, my ex has a job that's traditionally known for being able to lead a double life which is why the farce went on for so long......I mean I did get to see his birth cert so he couldn't lie about facts like that!

I had got to the stage where I was getting on with my own life, doing all the recommended things like meeting new people and doing new things, which really did help. The hassle was having to deal with him when he was around, once he was away my life seemed so much simpler.

As time goes on I know it will get better. Now I can look at him and just wonder what the hell I was doing with him on the one hand and on the other going to myself, why did I not spot the lying (it's simple really, every time he does he yawns!). The mistake that I had made over the past year was to keep on 'friendly' terms with him for the kids' sake but what that meant was that I was being sucked back into it all. Unhitching myself from the relationship has been hard alright, it's like all these habits have to be broken one by one.

themadchef

It's really tough Daisydog. Anyone who's going / been through it knows this. I like the way you described the part where they try to convince you black is actually white. amazing isint it, how you actually begin to doubt your own sanity in the end.

We're not signed and sealed on the legals after a year and a half, so im no one to advise you! But, in my case, i think i will always love my ex. I know it sounds mad, but even after everything, i wish someone could make these residual feelings go away. I can't do cold. I wish i could.

When you say "I really should have no regrets, I'm finding it hard. I mean, really I should be throwing myself into this to get it all behind me." Do you mean you are finding it hard even after all the lies and deciept in that you still have some feelings for him? You need to be sure, really really sure it's over. That's all im saying. Are you sure you're over the emotional hill and ready for the Judicial seperation?

daisydog

Yes, of course I still have some feelings for him. I was with him for 15 years, had the kids, the house and even the dog with him! It's like I had all the trappings to find out that there was none of the foundations like trust, faith and respect. Looking back on it all, I feel that I was shoring up these foundations without even realising it and in the back of my mind, my gut instinct was kicking at me now and again that something wasn't right.

Mind you, he didn't fool just me but a lot of people. When we split up, I was the one having to defend myself even to my own family when I finished it.....it's only as the months went on that people started to cop on by themselves. I'm a pretty reserved person and I wouldn't have bitched about him constantly, I would rather have tried to sort things out between us. Each time I tried to though there seemed to be nothing to go on...it was like trying to find your way out of a fog.

So you see what I mean? It was only once I set my mind to start checking up on him once I felt uneasy about stuff that it all unravelled. His job meant that he could basically get away with so much. He was away for half the year, I rarely met anyone he worked with and had to rely totally on his versions of events. I live in his hometown, surrounded by his family who were in the same position as I was. I, logically should have no regrets, but logic is all very well. I had an image of what he was like for so long that when the scales fell from my eyes, that's when I began to doubt myself.

Nevyn

It is very hard when to outsiders and family all they can see is what he wants them see,
they work so hard to portray the happy family and the good dad/partner that people then assume if you are not happy or are 'acting' out then the issues are yours and your the one being unreasonable. Which means the very people you think will have your back then take 'his' side for the good of the 'family' and the kids.

Yes you are entitled to your dignity and your pride but those let those things keep you tied to him, the professionals are just that, they won't judge, will have done this every day and chances are nothing you will reveal to them will be shocking.

You just need to be strong for a while longer.

daisydog

Yeah, the professionals are great. It's all down to pounds, shillings and pence with them really. With the no blame divorce system here it has to be...... I could bang on all I want about what a lying, manipulative b*****d he is 'til the cows come home and it won't make a blind bit of difference legally in the end. I suppose it's healthy really, the marriage over and all that there is left is to divide up the assets and make sure the kids are doing alright.

As for me, I've had to do a lot of soul searching over the past year about myself too. I may as well have married my father. Like a moth to a flame! Both are brilliant at making women feel sorry for them and both have their heads shoved so far up their own ar**s all they can see is themselves. When I realised this I cringed. I was young enough when I met my ex but thought I knew everything........isn't hindsight wonderful! What hurts though is that he rarely sees his kids, both of them are girls and what concerns me is that they'll end up doing exactly what I did, falling for a guy who tells them he loves them but actually doesn't.

metrovelvet

Its normal for this to be painful even if you dont love him anymore because it takes a lot of strength and time to break a bond that was built over 15 years.

Love and bonds all too often get confused. And you are still reeling from th dissillusionment.

You can expect him to paint you black, its the first tactic, discredit the witness. Don't be surprised if he tries to paint you as mentally unstable. It's a typical and easy strategy and often works. Trust me on this one, be careful there. Especially with the kids.

daisydog

Yeah, metrovelvet, I've already had that from him only a couple of weeks ago. Apparently there's something wrong with me.

How he can get that across during legal proceedings though, I don't know. My solicitor has already warned me about a certain amount of bullsh*t going to be put across....but apart from him making me out to be an unfit parent I don't know how he's going to do it. He's already tried to get my mother and sister to side with him over my 'issues'. It worked with my sister but it was only because my mother had gone through a similar process with my father that she understood where I was coming from. I understand now how my mother nearly lost it years ago. She was like me (she died during the summer), a quiet person who didn't really get into bit**ing or gossiping which means that there's huge potential for someone else to paint her, and me, black.

Still, all I can do is keep strong, stand up for myself where needs be, get on with my life away from his influence and put it all down to him projecting! I'd much rather go for respect from others rather than a pity party.

LegacyUser

Daisydog, just want to say I am in exactly the same place as you...really sorry you're going through it as well.
I am going through the division of assets etc, but strangely that's not the worst part.
It's looking at him and seeing him as he really is that's the WORST of it all.
He's got this strange version of what actually happened in the marriage, he walked away but somehow that's MY fault? He was caught by me cheating,and he is using every excuse to justify his actions. I even begged him to go to counselling to try save the marriage...what a fool!
Now he says he never cheated,that I was bad wife etc.etc.
I am trying mediation with him and it is SO hard. Like sitting there with a stranger.I was with him 25 years...and I never knew him at all.
I have recently started to date again,but I am so wary of being hurt..I just don't trust my own judgement anymore where men are concerned.
I never thought I would be facing middle age by myself..all my hopes and dreams are dead.I see happy families everywhere and it is killing me.
I cope by mainly ignoring what the ex says...he's a sorry excuse for a man and will wind up alone.
Like you I just lost my Mum(2weeks ago),and that is hard to go through without all the other stuff. Be kind to yourself Daisydog and hugs.

Nevyn

Yup the more 'liked' they are the easier it is to paint you as defective and the bad bitch,
they come across to people as easy going, likeable, a grand bloke but it'sa case of street angel and home devil and no one knows the crap you have to put up with.

And when you unbend and ashamedly tell them people don't believe him capable of it or that you who come across as such a strong person would put up with it.

It's all part of them trying to control you and paint you into a corner but congratulations on having been able to break free.

Yes it will be very hard going through this and hopefull your sister and others will figure it out when his true colours start showing and be there for you and that they don't
screw things up and damanage what relationship you have with them by choose his side and underminding you. Sometimes they can screw up due to not understanding and the damage can't be repaired.

If you know you are doing what is best for you and your kids then you have to keep strong, it will be hard to adjust to your life being differnet but as long as it is better then it was be fore and you are now free to have a better life for you and your kids that is what counts.

daisydog

'I am trying mediation with him and it is SO hard.'


Hi Unregistered,

I had hopes at the beginning of our separation about doing it through mediation but I kind of knew that there would have to be some amount of trust between the two parties for mediation to work and there isn't. I couldn't imagine sitting in a room with him and listening to him lying again and that's why I ended up going down the judicial route. Funnily enough the only reason that I can afford the solicitor's fees is because my mother died and left me some money.

I'm trying to get back into the workforce at the moment; since the kids were born I've stuck with short-term contracts, part-time work and childminding just to keep my hand in. My CV is pretty good once you ignore the gaps! But I'm finding the confidence to sell myself hard to come by sometimes. But still, time enough. As for dating.....I can't even think of it yet. I don't think all men are like my ex thank God but I'm not over the whole thing yet. I'd rather be making friends, dating just seems like too much hassle at the moment!

And him being with someone else doesn't help. Turns out he was with a lot of someone elses over the years. I found out about one 5 years ago and that was rough. He too refused to go to couselling but I did at the time and it was great. The things that I realised during counselling though didn't really kick in til last summer when the same situation was happening again and I ended it. I've found out since that these women were two of many and that he'd been bit**ing about me to so many people for years. There was no loyalty to me or the relationship at all; it was if he was constantly using me as an excuse for his behaviour..... That's what I found shocking about it all, that women could actually fall for that. And they did. As I said, he's very good at making women feel sorry for him. It just didn't work with me anymore.

What I find it to believe is how weak he is; that he will always need a strong woman behind him. He won't end up alone, as long as he can keep getting the sympathy, he'll always find someone to make him feel better. And that is really hard to deal with on my part.....but there you go. I'll just have to be sure I'm not going to be attracted to that same type of guy again when I do start dating!