Pregnant: my husband wants to keep it, I don't know

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 1:02pm #1

I am two months pregnant and I'm devestated. My husband on the other hand, is over the moon. We have gone to see an unplanned pregnancy counsellor about it, but that hasn't really helped. We just keep both talking around and around in circles about the same thing.

Before anyone starts having a go at me, I just want to say we were using two forms of contraception and we always used them properly. I was on the pill and we also used condoms, and for the past 10 years we've had no problems. My GP said we're just that tiny percent of unlucky people who did everything right but got caught out.

We were so careful about contraception because I never wanted to have children. I was very upfront about this with my hubby before we got married, and he said he was fine with it. I was so serious about not wanting children that I have tried to get the sterilisation procedure, but I was told I was too young and to wait until I was 30. (I'm 27 now).

I have cried everyday since I've had the pregnancy confirmed. I feel like my whole world, all my dreams and everything I've worked for has been taken away from me. What makes everything even harder is that my husband is so happy about it, and doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He thinks that this has happened for a good reason, and it will all work out ok.

To be honest, I never really thought if I was in this stiuation that a termination would be an option for me. While I completely respect people's right to choose, I always believed it was a choice I wouldn't pick for myself. However, now that I'm in this situation I'm starting to feel a bit differently. But I also feel like we're adults and we're responsible for this baby, and I should just have it and look after it, because its our responsibility. Even though I will always hate it and resent it for its whole life, because it has destroyed mine. I just don't know what to do.

One of my biggest worries is the effect this is going to have on my marriage. Whatever happens, either myself or my husband is going to have make a decison one of us isn't happy with, and we're both terrifed one of us is going to end up hating and resenting the other.

Sorry this is so all over the place. I suppose what I'm really asking, is has anyone else been in the same situation and how did it all work out? Did you go through with the pregnancy (or not) and do you regret it/glad about it? What was the impact on your relationship with your partner either way? Or any advice or opionions really. Just please don't be really nastly. I know I should be grateful and happy, particularly because there are so many people having problems concieving. But I don't feel that way, and I don't know what to do about it.

MagicMarker · 10-11-2008 1:22pm

My my, that is quite the connundrum!!

Firstly, don't beat yourself up about it, you took all the precautions necessary, it's just one of those things.

You and your husband really have to sit down and talk about this. There are a number of options available.

A) Termination

Adoption (i'm guessing your husband really wouldn't be keen on this)
C) You could have it and your husband raise it (obviously this would result in ending the marriage)
D) You could try and work at it together (but you don't really want it, and that's fine!)

Unfortunately, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that regardless of the decision you make, there is at least one person who won't be happy.

If you opt for a termination, which you're within your right to do, then your husband will probably be very unhappy about it, it won't solve all your problems as it's quite clear your husband wants a family but you don't and that will have to be addressed at some stage!

Adoption, again, your husband won't be very happy about it, knowing a child he wants is being raised by others. However he's probably like it more so than a termination, for both of you.

Option C may sound a little crazy, but there's no reason why it wouldn't work. It just depends on how your husband feels, would he be willing to split up for the sake of a child? It will also be very tough on you, going through a pregnancy only to then give up a child AND a husband. Question is, would you rather do this over starting a happy family?

Option D. There's every possibility that once you see your child you will have second thoughts, i'm never been through it myself but i'm sure it's quite overwhelming! I'm sure there are many many women who have had a child who otherwise never saw themselves being mothers.

What are your reasons for not wanting children?

Motley Crue · 10-11-2008 1:27pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like my whole world, all my dreams and everything I've worked for has been taken away from me..... Even though I will always hate it and resent it for its whole life, because it has destroyed mine. I just don't know what to do.

I hope for your sake if you do decide to have this child he never realises you are saying this. You haven't exactly specified how this pregancy has ruined your life, ruined your chances at everything you planned for, and destroyed your whole life? I'm sorry to say I feel this is a little melodramatic because I cannot see why a person in a respectable job, or position, cannot manage between bringing up a child and living the life they want to lead.

If you feel this strongly, I advise you to consider fostering the child when he is born, because every child deserves a right to live and breathe. I understand there are organisations that can make sure the child is given a healthy and happy home. NEVER, EVER, even for a second consider having this child if you are going to blame him for your failings and holding you back for the rest of your life. If you do that you are right, you are no mother.

Wagon · 10-11-2008 1:28pm

If you wish to abort then do. You can't be a good mother to a child you don't want, and I'm not giving out there it's actually pretty understandable. Your husband needs to be a man about this as well and realise that he can't just MAKE you be a parent. I'd suggest adoption but your husband won't do that either I'm guessing. Your not killing anything but some cells, life doesn't start at conception. Tell your husband everything, and how your feeling.

Motley Crue · 10-11-2008 1:31pm

Wagon wrote: »

Your not killing anything but some cells, life doesn't start at conception.

I think thats the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Of course life begins at conception, because we all began at that stage, and grew from there. We may not have fully been developed, granted, but we were a life and an individual growing and just dismissing it as killing some cells (which we are ALL made of) just makes me very upset to hear.

Beruthiel · 10-11-2008 1:33pm

Motley Crue wrote: »

I think thats the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Of course life begins at conception, because we all began at that stage, and grew from there. We may not have fully been developed, granted, but we were a life and an individual growing and just dismissing it as killing some cells (which we are ALL made of) just makes me very upset to hear.

Take it to Humanities Motley. This is not the thread for the above comments.

jon1981 · 10-11-2008 1:34pm

one day you maybe you will want a baby. will you be able to forgive yourself for the termination, do you think you would be able to live happily afterwards? and when and if you do have a child in the future do you think you it will bother you knowing that your your child could have had a brother or sister if only the timing was right... you need to consider all this too.

as another poster queried, what is it in your life that this pregnancy will ruin? freedom, career progression? or is it simply you dont want kids?

Motley Crue · 10-11-2008 1:37pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Take it to Humanities Motley. This is not the thread for the above comments.

So 'Wagon' is allowed to make a statement like this freely and not be questioned upon it?

I think this is a delicate situation and advising the OP on the matter should be taken as such. If someone makes a statement like this then it can confuse the OP and perhaps influence them to act on an inpulse which they may later regret and which could lead to worse consquences.

thats just my opinion.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 10-11-2008 1:38pm

Motley Crue wrote: »

I think thats the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Of course life begins at conception, because we all began at that stage, and grew from there. We may not have fully been developed, granted, but we were a life and an individual growing and just dismissing it as killing some cells (which we are ALL made of) just makes me very upset to hear.

In fairness this thread isn't a discussion about abortion, etc. The OP is old enough to make up her own mind on that. Don't derail this topic as she needs to hear opinions about what is important to her.

OP, I've not been through this situation, but it does sound melo-dramatic to see this as the end of your life if you have a baby. And if you do indeed have the child, and completely resent it, then do not keep raising the child. There are many many people who want a baby and cannot have one - give them that chance to love this child.

IMO your best option is to have the baby. As MagicMarker said, chances are you (like so many other women) will change upon birth, and grow to love your child. This tiny person that you and your husband created, thats half you and half him. Its the most beautiful thing two people (esp in a marraige) can create, and you may very well look at it and fall in love.

But if not, you have the option of fostering it, or putting it up for adoption. Either way, if you get rid of the baby before or after birth, your husband will not take it well. But at least by giving birth, you're leaving the chance open that you will change, rather than a termination where he will feel the same regardless.

Beruthiel · 10-11-2008 1:42pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose what I'm really asking, is has anyone else been in the same situation and how did it all work out?

Did you go through with the pregnancy (or not) and do you regret it/glad about it?

What was the impact on your relationship with your partner either way?

People,
the OP has asked the above questions, please stick to helpful comments only.
I'll ban anyone who can't do this.
B

Wagon · 10-11-2008 1:43pm

Motley Crue wrote: »

I think thats the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Of course life begins at conception, because we all began at that stage, and grew from there. We may not have fully been developed, granted, but we were a life and an individual growing and just dismissing it as killing some cells (which we are ALL made of) just makes me very upset to hear.

I don't hold that belief. I believe life begins at birth. Sorry, guess I'm just a sick unhumane monster who goes around killing babes. Jesus.

I'm not getting into a debate about this either cos it's not the thread for it and I don't want the thing to get closed. I agree with what you say though, that you can't bring a child into the world with an unwilling mother. That's why I'm pro choice. I didn't mean it to be flippant comment and I'm sorry you took it up wrong.

OP, yes a child will change your life. If you aren't willing to change it then definately abort. But I have stress that you make everything clear to your husband. He might seem this as an oppurtunity that he may never have again as he knows your stance on parenthood. But this is where he needs to bite the bullet and remember that he married you knowing you never wanted children. There's nothing wrong with not wanting something, but there's something seriously troubling about willing to force a responsability on someone when they never wanted it or asked for it.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 1:45pm

To the girl with the problem, are you 100% sure that you could never come to love this child? I mean when you're pregnant and not even showing yet its hard to become attached to it but do you think that maybe when you see the baby and hold it that things will change and you'll just simply fall in love with it? If you think there's any possibility at all of this, then I'd say go for it.
Either way it is a decission that you will have to come to together, your husband cant make you keep it but you cant really abort it if he's dead set against it either. I know that you are the one having the baby but you're in a marriage, you both have equal rights regarding it.
I feel for you though because this will probably be the most difficult decision you will ever make, one I would have feared myself. This will not be easy for you but just try to lean on your husband and be there for eachother and make sure you both listen to the other. No matter what happens, somebody is going to be devastated but just dont let it ruin your marriage or that'll be the real tradegy.

Glowing · 10-11-2008 1:47pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I have cried everyday since I've had the pregnancy confirmed. I feel like my whole world, all my dreams and everything I've worked for has been taken away from me.

You need to do what is right for you and your husband. Yes, having kids is not easy I'm sure, but there's no reason that it should 'ruin' your life. No, you won't have the same freedom, or spontaneity, but people manage! They can have fulfilling successful careers, travel, and have a social life! It just needs a wee bit more organising!

I doubt however that you'd resent the child, I can't imagine you'd do anything but love him or her .....

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 1:48pm

Heres my tuppence worth,I would have been in a similar state of mind to you when I got pregnant. I felt an immense amount of fear and I was facing into something I had not planned for or wanted, Anyway two months down the line I sadly miscarried this baby and I was filled with regret and yes you do grieve for your baby having never seen it and all. Anyway two months later I was pregnant again and yes I felt the same thing that I didnt really want this baby and how was I so stupid to let this happen again. Well ten years on from the birth of my daughter I proclaim every day since my heart has been filled with love for her. It wasn't easy financially my partner and I had only 20 quid between us the week she was born, but we struggled and neither of us regret a single day of it. It's life changing and if you decide to go ahead with this pregnancy I wish you well.

Mr. Incognito · 10-11-2008 1:48pm

Why does having a baby ruin your life?

I had an unwanted kid at 22 and I'm telling you it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings of my life.

You can still have a full life pet. You just have another person to share it with. Stop panicing- it's not the end of the world, it's just a child. You're married and stable- it could be a hell of a lot worse.

That said- it's your choice to do whatever is right for you, but take a deep breath first.

andrewh5 · 10-11-2008 1:48pm

Motley Crue wrote: »

I think thats the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Of course life begins at conception, because we all began at that stage, and grew from there. We may not have fully been developed, granted, but we were a life and an individual growing and just dismissing it as killing some cells (which we are ALL made of) just makes me very upset to hear.

That is your personal opinion.

As to the OP, unless you decide to have the child you will probably have to accept that your marriage will be over. No caring man is going to allow his unborn child to be terminated or his newly born child adopted. Your husband is clearly delighted that you are pregnant even if you are not. It took both of you to create this pregnancy and needs both of you to resolve it.

Beruthiel · 10-11-2008 1:50pm

Wagon,
I said we are NOT discussing that here.
Take it to Humanities.

Unregistered wrote: »

I am two months pregnant and I'm devestated.

For what it's worth, when I fell pregnant, I was also very upset. I didn't want to have children.
She's 20 now and life would not be the same without her. Sure, kids are a responsiblilty and hard work. But what they give you in return cannot be explained in words.
They bring a focus to your life like nothing else can.
Yes, your life will be curtailed a little for a while, but you won't mind.
There are babysitters, grandparents and you will learn to live with including your child in whatever you are doing.
In other words, you can still have a life, just one that requires more thought, but again, you won't mind.

It's a difficult decision you are facing, it does not help that your husband is not on the same page as you on this.
What has he said he will do if you go through with it?
Will he stand by you?

iguana · 10-11-2008 2:04pm

OP, I'm going to be direct and I'm sorry if this seems hurtful or isn't what you wish to hear.

If your husband is delighted about this pregnancy then the odds are he will now never again be ok about not having children. He may have had been able to go through his life childless, but I suspect that has now changed forever. Even if fate intervenes and you miscarry this pregnancy he will probably still harbour the desire to have children. And I'm very sorry but this desire could very easily end your marriage. Your husband may try to stay with you, if you make the choice to terminate, but the desire to be a parent, once ignited, is usually much stronger than anything else.

I think your choice here will have to be between saving your marriage and having a baby, or ending the pregnancy and ending your marriage.

What exactly is it that you don't want as a parent? If it is about your career can you and your husband work out a scenario where he is the primary parent? He can be a stay at home dad, or if you both decide to work he must be the one who makes the career sacrifices. I have extended family who work this way. The mother pursued her career while the father took on the traditional "mother" role eventually moving to working from home so he was there for the children during the day. She traveled, occasionally worked abroad or in other parts of the country while he initially was a working dad and eventually a stay-at-home and it worked fine for them.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 2:22pm

Thank you to everybody for their helpful comments. It's really good to hear all the different opinions and options about it from people who are removed from the situation.

A few people asked why I don't want children. There are a number of different reasons really.

Firstly, I know how difficult raising a child is. My mother wasn't really around growing up (in and out of psychiatric hospitals), my Dad was out working all the time, so most of the responsibility for raising my two younger brothers fell to me. Since I was a teenager I've done the getting up in the middle of the night, toilet-training, nappy-changing thing. And I don't want to do it again. I don't want that responsibility anymore. I feel it's finally time to be able to live, and enjoy, my own life.

Secondly, yes, my career is big reason for not wanting kids. Given my own upbringing, I think that your children, not your job, should be the most important thing in your life. But for me, my career is most important. I work in a very specialised area, I work very long, erratic hours, and I travel a lot. That's what I have to do to succeed. It's not compatible with raising a child. If we keep this baby, I won't be able to do this job. We've looked at every possible way that it might work, but realistically, I'll have to change jobs. And I know it sounds melodramtic, but that's why I feel like everything I worked for has been ruined.

Which brings me to the third reason I don't want children; because I know I will resent the child, and as one poster said, that is completely unfair on the child.

Beruthiel wrote: »

It's a difficult decision you are facing, it does not help that your husband is not on the same page as you on this.
What has he said he will do if you go through with it?
Will he stand by you?

My husband is fantastic really. He says if terminating the pregnancy is really the best way forward for us, then he's supportive of it. The problem is, he doesn't know if it really is the best thing. He thinks once they baby is born it will just make me happy. He can't understand how I might end up feeling angry towards him and the child.

It makes it all the harder because we can't talk to family or friends about any of it.

Beruthiel · 10-11-2008 2:28pm

Just wondering OP, would your husband be a stay at home Dad while you follow your career?

I do understand your reasons for not wanting children and if you were single I'd say you know your own mind, do what you feel is right for you.
But the fact that your husband is involved in this and want's the child more than you, perhaps he should think about being the primary parent in it's up bringing?
I presume you discussed this option?

MagicMarker · 10-11-2008 2:34pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just wondering OP, would your husband be a stay at home Dad while you follow your career?

I do understand your reasons for not wanting children and if you were single I'd say you know your own mind, do what you feel is right for you.
But the fact that your husband is involved in this and want's the child more than you, perhaps he should think about being the primary parent in it's up bringing?
I presume you discussed this option?

Not only this, but you need to discuss the long term future with your husband should you choose to terminate.

Does he know that you don't want kids, as in ever!?

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 2:35pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Just wondering OP, would your husband be a stay at home Dad while you follow your career?

I do understand your reasons for not wanting children and if you were single I'd say you know your own mind, do what you feel is right for you.
But the fact that your husband is involved in this and want's the child more than you, perhaps he should think about being the primary parent in it's up bringing?
I presume you discussed this option?

That would be the ideal solution. But financially, its not an option at the moment. I'm still at the start of my career, and not very well paid. So we need both salaries to survive. Also, while in theory my hubby thought it sounded great, in practice he's not that open to it. When we really talked it out, he said he wouldn't be able to give up work, and why could his mother not mind the child for free!

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 2:38pm

I have never ever wanted children. When I got together with my partner I explained this and he feels the same way having already had two children from being married when he was younger. I use contraception but if I became pregnant I would have an abortion. My partner is aware of this and agrees.

You were always up front to your husband about not wanting to have kids but it seems he was not quite as honest when he said he was fine with that, judging by him being so happy now. Its as if he hoped you would somehow change your mind. You dont have to justify Decide what you want to do. Its your body and at the end of the day you are the one who will be raising this child. If its not what you want then having it to please your husband will only cause more problems

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 2:43pm

MagicMarker wrote: »

Not only this, but you need to discuss the long term future with your husband should you choose to terminate.

Does he know that you don't want kids, as in ever!?

Yes, he's known me for 10 years, and he's always known I never wanted to have children. I made this very clear to him before we got married, and I made it very clear I wouldn't change my mind. We even spoke about it in dept at our pre-marriage counselling session, and he always said he was fine with it.

Beruthiel · 10-11-2008 2:46pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes, he's known me for 10 years, and he's always known I never wanted to have children. I made this very clear to him before we got married, and I made it very clear I wouldn't change my mind. We even spoke about it in dept at our pre-marriage counselling session, and he always said he was fine with it.

Well, if he agreed to this before marrying you, then your decision must be easier to come to.

Zulu · 10-11-2008 2:48pm

OP, it's sounds to me that you are just afraid. Which is perfectly natural.

You can find all the excuses you'd like why not being pregnant would be better for you, and to an extent you'd be right, however you are pregnant so best to come to terms with that. What you are going to do next is the problem.

Lets face it, your fears are just that - fears. They are not facts. You are not your mother. You are you, and you have the experience of your relationship with your mother as experience you can bring to any future relationships you may or may not have. The way I see it, this can only be a benefit. It's something to think about.

Your mention that your husband supports you and your decision. (Personally I feel it's both of your decision, but I'll leave that to humanities) However, when push comes to shove - if you ultimately make the decision, are you sure he won't resent you for it? Perhaps seeing a counsellor might be worth while? You have got lots of options - you have a supportive husband. Perhaps he'd consider becoming a house husband?

Personally I suggest adoption if you can't overcome your fears.

There will always be good reasons not to become a parent, but the simple fact of the matter is, there are very few parents that regret it. Why do you think that is? It's a leap into the unknown, but it could be the best leap you make.

Sorry, my post is a little over the shop, but I'm trying to edit out the "humanities" aspect of human life.

Sugar Drunk · 10-11-2008 2:50pm

I reckon your husband is being a bit selfish if he knew you definately did not want kids and knew you were never going to want to.

He wants you to have it but he wont stay at home to look after it. so in other words he wants you to compromise what you want in life (giving up your careeer and freedom for a child) for something he wants. Plus he can always walk away at some stage, once you have a had a child you cant.

If he knew you never wanted them and said he will be fine if you dont have it then its really your decision.

I dont understand why so many people question why a woman doesnt want to have children, you dont have to justify that with reasons. I have never wanted kids and will never be having one. Its the same people who say 'you will fine you will cope etc'. I hate when people feel the need to probe my reasons - I do not want kids end of.

Zulu · 10-11-2008 2:52pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Well, if he agreed to this before marrying you, then your decision must be easier to come to.

Not really. He made a sacrifice prior to marriage. Perhaps he now sees a chance of obtaining what he really wants. It can't be any easier. It's a sore temptation I'd imagine, which being a tricky problem to the fore in a definite and real term.

I can't see this being an easy decision for him & them to come to at all, least we forget he's also part of this. It is their child.

Sugar Drunk · 10-11-2008 2:57pm

yes it may be their child but its her body. Its her body that will be taken over and her career that will suffer. He is the one who changed his mind, not the OP. If he really wants a child he would be willing to give up his career to look after it but he doesnt. He can always have a child with someone else.

Things is OP, even if you dont have this child I think your husband has revealed that he does want a kid so it will likely cause problems later on if those feelings dont go away. It may come down to what you want more - your husband or your desire not to have kids.

Wagon · 10-11-2008 3:03pm

Judging from your latest posts OP, your husband seems pretty sound. I got the impression he was almost making you keep it for him :P I can kind of see where he's coming from too. I suppose he has all these dreams of watching his son/daughter grow up and and learn to talk and go to schol and get a great job and be successful etc, and might be blind to the not so pleasent things like the 3am feeding, and the tantrums and putting manners on them when they're bold.

But you had it all to do when you were younger and now you want to live your own life properly. That's a very valid reason for not wanting. Ultimately I can't really offer any more advice apart from what I've said already and you seem to have a stable enough marraige with your OH to be able to get through this. From what I've seen with families, to be good parents a child needs to have all parties willing to raise them be it a single parent or a couple.

If you feel you definately aren't able to manage that right now then don't have a child. you might change your mind on the future or you might never have a kid but everyone has a right to life. Including adults.

Beruthiel · 10-11-2008 3:04pm

Zulu wrote: »

He made a sacrifice prior to marriage.

I don't see it that way.
She told him long ago that she didn't want any, she gave him the option of walking away if his wishes were different to hers.
When I met my current partner I told him the same thing, giving him the same option.

Zulu · 10-11-2008 3:04pm

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

yes it may be their child but its her body. Its her body that will be taken over and her career that will suffer.

Humanities?

If he really wants a child he would be willing to give up his career to look after it but he doesnt.

He should. I got the impression that conversation was had in the past though. Perhaps now it should be mentioned again?

He can always have a child with someone else.

He can, but he's married. Have you considered that suggesting adultery or an affair isn't exactly helpful advice to a married couple?

Sonderval · 10-11-2008 3:06pm

Its your body, and you are 100% entitled to not have children should you so choose.

While I understand that for many posters having a child is a Good Thing, its not always so. As the poster has indicated, she has already run through the whole raising a family in absentia.

RE: parents who end up saying they have no regrets - thats cool, totally understandable. But I do know a great many have wondered where their life would have taken them had they not had a child. And its not like your ever going to admit that you regret having a child, is it?

OP, your wishes in this matter are paramount.

Zulu · 10-11-2008 3:06pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

I don't see it that way.
She told him long ago that she didn't want any, she gave him the option of walking away if his wishes were different to hers.
When I met my current partner I told him the same thing, giving him the same option.

Sure, and he decided that his love for her was what is most important to him. But he's human, so perhaps in the back of his mind he taught, she's a woman, when the time comes she'll change her tune.
I'm not saying this is right, but lets face it - it's not that hard to imagine a 20something man thinking that.

missyb · 10-11-2008 3:14pm

Hey there, I really feel for you, I use the same methods of contraception you do and I would be really upset to be pregnant after trying my best to be responsible. You are truely very unlucky with that.
You sound like a responsible person as you showed in your attitude to contraception and you are also an upfront and honest person as you informed you husband beforehand your stance on children. Some people are not so honest so at least you had the decency to inform him straight away. Ironically I think these are the qualities that would also help make you a great mother, are you afraid of not being a good parent? I think you would be a very responsible mother. I think your husbands reaction is that of a man who is in a situation he never thought he would be in and so he has gotten the surprise of his life. And he is now imagining the life he didnt think he would have. You have some options which I dont have to spell out to you.The real issue here is how, regardless of your decision, you can save your marriage and not have it destroyed by this. There is going to be compromise for someone, how strongly does you husband want kids compared to how strongly you dont want them? Would you consider fostering as a compromise to give you more time and space? How does your husband feel about abortion? What are the reasons for not wanting children? Can any of these reasons be resolved or overcome? I know enough to know that neither you or your husband can completley disregard the others view point or it will gravely effect your marriage, he is the father of this child and you are the mother who has to carry it so you both have to keep this in mind, there has to be some kind of joint agreement reached.
I know people who have had children they truely didnt want and it turned out to be an amazing experience for them and worth it.Whether or not this could be positive for you depends upon your reasons for not wanting children. I wish you the best of luck, I hope you and your husband get through this regardless of decisions made.

Dizzyblonde · 10-11-2008 3:17pm

I suspect I'm a lot older than most regulars on this forum, and sometimes I'm amazed at how in today's world people think they can control everything in life. The fact is that sometimes things happen which we don't plan and they happen for a reason.
I too am finding it difficult to respond to this without wandering into Humanities territory, but I can promise you that looking after your own child is very different to looking after siblings.
This baby might just be the biggest blessing you'll ever receive in life.
On the other hand, if you really feel that after the baby was born you'd still be more concerned about your own needs than his or hers, then you should consider handing the child over to someone who will love it unconditionally.

MagicMarker · 10-11-2008 3:18pm

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

I reckon your husband is being a bit selfish if he knew you definately did not want kids and knew you were never going to want to.

He wants you to have it but he wont stay at home to look after it. so in other words he wants you to compromise what you want in life (giving up your careeer and freedom for a child) for something he wants. Plus he can always walk away at some stage, once you have a had a child you cant.

If he knew you never wanted them and said he will be fine if you dont have it then its really your decision.

I dont understand why so many people question why a woman doesnt want to have children, you dont have to justify that with reasons. I have never wanted kids and will never be having one. Its the same people who say 'you will fine you will cope etc'. I hate when people feel the need to probe my reasons - I do not want kids end of.

hold your horses there....

Unregistered wrote: »

My husband is fantastic really. He says if terminating the pregnancy is really the best way forward for us, then he's supportive of it.

Moving swiftly on eh?

justsomebloke · 10-11-2008 3:18pm

Zulu wrote: »

so perhaps in the back of his mind he taught, she's a woman, when the time comes she'll change her tune.

Or maybe he equated her never having kids to mean she would never get pregnant. However now that she is pregnant it changes his aspect on the having kids debate.

OP when you talked to your husband about kids before gettign married did you bring up what would happen if you did fall pregnant would termination be ok for him

Nevyn · 10-11-2008 3:26pm

I got pregnant with my son using the exact same methods of contraception correctly, it can happen.

It seems that your husband has not considered the reality of having a child, he seem to think it will all work out.

What if you end up with post natal depression and have to have a year off work ?
What if you a suck during the pregnancy and have to stay at home ?
What if his mother can not or is not suitible to have the child while you work ?

Has he costed the outlay for a baby for the first year, does he know it can easily run into 10 grand ?

Is he willing to be the main carer and work flexi time and do the drop and collect of the child each morning and the getting the child ready in the morning and to be the contact for if the baby is ill and take time off work for check ups, dr visits ect or is he thinking you will after giving birth become super mom and do it all ?

You really need to sit down and look at the reality of having a child with him and see what his 'ideas' are and expectations are. You would want to do it soon before he lets slip and tells someone.

All that said you could be in a worse position then married with your own home and a partner who loves you and be expecting a child. Good luck with you choice it's not an easy one, personally I am done with having kids and count down to when I can have my tubes tied.

Zulu · 10-11-2008 3:26pm

Joe the Plumber wrote: »

Or maybe he equated her never having kids meant to mean she would never get pregnant. However now that she is pregnant it changes his aspect on the having kids debate.

OP when you talked to your husband about kids before gettign married did you bring up what would happen if you did fall pregnant would termination be ok for him

...exactly

homerjay2005 · 10-11-2008 3:44pm

im shocked reading this at how one dimensional and selfish you are being. im not having a go here, but think of things in the overall perspective. what happens in 20 years time your career has changed and your left with no kids? you will regret this until the day you die if you terminate. you and your husband could grow old and lonely and on your own. if you career is that important to you,more important to you than raising a child, i worry about you to be honest, and pity your husband.

also, dont let the past put you off, im sure, you and your husband would be terrific parents. take this as a gift and not a hinderance and leave nature take its course. this will, im sure, be the happiest day of your life.

MagicMarker · 10-11-2008 3:47pm

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im shocked reading this at how one dimensional and selfish you are being. im not having a go here, but think of things in the overall perspective. what happens in 20 years time your career has changed and your left with no kids? you will regret this until the day you die if you terminate. you and your husband could grow old and lonely and on your own. if you career is that important to you,more important to you than raising a child, i worry about you to be honest, and pity your husband.

also, dont let the past put you off, im sure, you and your husband would be terrific parents. take this as a gift and not a hinderance and leave nature take its course. this will, im sure, be the happiest day of your life.

Believe it or not, not everyone wants kids.

If someone offered me a million euro, or a fat, ugly, crying baby with a giant head, i'll take the money thanks.

Sugar Drunk · 10-11-2008 3:55pm

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im shocked reading this at how one dimensional and selfish you are being. im not having a go here, but think of things in the overall perspective. what happens in 20 years time your career has changed and your left with no kids? you will regret this until the day you die if you terminate. you and your husband could grow old and lonely and on your own. if you career is that important to you,more important to you than raising a child, i worry about you to be honest, and pity your husband.

are you for real?! :eek: I am sick to my back teeth of being called selfish for not wanting kids or for that old 'you will be lonely chestnut'. Its far more selfish to bring a child you do not want into the world that to not have one you dont want.

as for having children just to keep you company in your old age ffs. People are entitled to choose their own priorities in life and if they prioritise their career and/or husband over kids thats their perogative!.

Thank you magic marker some people find it so bloody hard to understand that some women do nto see themselves as simply baby makers. It is possible to have a very happy life without kids

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 3:55pm

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im shocked reading this at how one dimensional and selfish you are being. im not having a go here, but think of things in the overall perspective. what happens in 20 years time your career has changed and your left with no kids? you will regret this until the day you die if you terminate. you and your husband could grow old and lonely and on your own. if you career is that important to you,more important to you than raising a child, i worry about you to be honest, and pity your husband.

I never said this wasn't a selfish decison but at the same time...in all fairness...is it not equally as selfish to have a child to keep you company and ward off loneliness in your old age???

To Thaedydal; thank you for your post. You have summed up exactly my feelings on the whole thing. My husband has thought about none of the things you mentioned. I try and talk to him about these very practical issues, and he tells me I'm just being pessimistic and negative. Maybe I am, but I think it's just being realistic. I think this is what frightens me most; he thinks its all teaching it to play football and bringin it to the zoo. He has absolutely no clue about how difficult its all going to be and I'll be the one left to pick up the pieces.

Dizzyblonde · 10-11-2008 4:03pm

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

some people find it so bloody hard to understand that some women do nto see themselves as simply baby makers. It is possible to have a very happy life without kids

I agree, motherhood isn't for everyone. However, if a woman who doesn't want children finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, this means she has to deal with it and it's not a simple case of 'terminate it and move on'. There are lots of issues around a situation like this.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 4:07pm

I really feel for you OP.
I think your reasons for not wanting a child are valid, in fact my cousin is the very same as you. She raised her brothers and sister so made the decision not the have children.
Her husband was all for this and they have a had a wonderful life, fabulous home, three holdiays a year, countless mini breaks.... seriously great life.

But then, after turning 37, her husband had a change of heart and now wants a child. She is obviously not going to change her mind and it has created tension in their marriage.

This is the thing, he promised in his 20's that he was happy not to have children but he's now a different person in his 30's and now wants kids.

It looks like your husband may have been secretly harbouring the thought that in time you would change your mind, this is probably why he is happy you're pregnant..

OP I am the same age as you, in a very competitive career, and I had a child six months ago -- like you it wasnt planned, contraception failed.

For me it's turned out to be the best thing I've ever done, the best and the scariest.

Helping to take care of your younger siblings was a chore for you, but beleive me, when it's your own child it's a totally different thing, it's a joy.

I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture for you, and I'll be honest for the first 2-3 months I was pissed off that I couldnt go out whenever I felt like it, that I was never gonna travel again..... At times I really was a **** mother.
But time has gone on and my idea of a good time is wathing my son roll onto his belly and laugh his head off when his dad tickles his chin.

My job is still competitve but once I'm in the office my mammy brain switches off and it's down to buisness.... My hours are often long, infact I've often had to work through the night but we've surrounded ourself with great support in our family. My mother takes the baby when I'm in work and my brother even helps out when he can.

If you do decide to have the baby it really isnt the end of the world, just remember to ask for help.

I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide. Godd luck.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 4:39pm

The title of the thread indicates that you don't know, rather than that you do not want this child outright. This fact in itself tells me that you are not quite as steadfast on the issue as you were before you got married and fell pregnant.

The fact that an element of doubt has entered your mind now would lead me to say that you probably want to have children, do you think that maybe there is a much bigger issue here than having children?

What I mean by this is that you say your mother was in and out of psychiatric care when you were a child and you had to take on a motherly role at home. Do you think that you have some issues with losing your youth that you could deal with in some form of counselling/therapy? Maybe if you looked into that and discussed it with a professional/your own GP then you would feel differently about your pregnancy.

I'm just trying to give you an idea that there could well be some underlying emotions that are influencing your feelings towards having children that you can deal with and get past.

Did your brothers that you feel you raised turn out well? Do you still have relationships with them that are close?

Malari · 10-11-2008 4:44pm

OP, I can completely identify with you and I would feel the same way if I got pregnant. I did have a scare not so long ago and before we did the test we discussed what we would do, and both agreed we would terminate. Luckily it wasn't necessary, because that would also be traumatic. When you find out that you are pregnant though it must be different. It's that second where you see two very different lives in front of you and choosing must be incredibly hard.

Comments like "you will love the child once you have it" etc are over-simplified and do not take your true feelings into account. Some people will never want kids and that is beyond thinking about to others. Loving a baby does not mean you won't miss the life you would otherwise have had. I'm glad you and your husband seem to be able to discuss and support each other on this. I hope whatever you do makes you both happy.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 4:48pm

In a previous relationship my husband had, his girlfriend got pregnant. They had been together a long time and were planning on marrying. She was adament she didnt want a baby, she had a good career and a good life and thats how she wanted it to stay. My hubby adored her and, even though he wanted the baby and was willing to bring it up, he said he would support her if she wanted to have an abortion. He didnt realise just how devestating the whole thing would be. She went to England and had the abortion. Thats was when their relationship went down the drain. She was very upset after it, the abortion itself wasnt a nice experience and not what she had expected. He started feeling terrible grief for the baby. He became consumed by the guilt of what they had done and couldnt forgive her for it. He felt that she made him choose between her and the baby and that he should have fought her for his right to keep the child. They broke up. That was twenty years ago and he has never forgiven himself or her for it. He believes that he should have taken her to court for the baby and brought it up herself without her. How realistic that would have been I dont know but that is how he feels.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2008 5:37pm

op,,you need to sit down with hubby and make him see the tough side to child rearing,,i have 3 kids and adore them,,but i have told hubby i will never have another,,and if i did fall pregnant then i would be off to the uk,,i know it would be so tought but it would be the right choice for us,,it is really tought,but it is so rewarding also,,my sis had an abortion last yr with twins,,she is married and they have 1 child but neither wanted another,,was very upsetting at the time and i offered to rare it for her but she didnt want that,,she says it has made no difference in there marraige,,but then again both of them felt the same,,the very best of luck in what you decide xx

metrovelvet · 10-11-2008 6:14pm

OP how far along are you? And how long have you known you were pregnant? Early on the shock will be talking for a while and you wont have a clear head.

Just something to be aware of before making any rash decisions.