I'm in love with my flatmate - and it's killing me.

curiousboy

Ok so I have this really huge dilemma.
I have a long-term boyfriend – and for the most part we’re pretty happy. Recently a friend of ours moved in – he’s new to Dublin and he hasn’t been in our circle of mates for long. I have to admit that I kind of fancied him even before he moved in with us, but I really didn’t expect to develop any real feelings for him. Well, I have. I’m now at the point where I can’t stop thinking about him – literally can’t stop.

The thing is, we have this really flirty friendship. He’s a flirty guy by nature, but he seems to be more-so with me. He touches me all the time – rubs my arm or my leg etc … but he has no idea what that does to me. Sometimes he'll give me this really affectionate hug – not like a hug a mate would give another mate … there’s real affection there. Then sometimes I glance at him and he's looking straight at me. I know there's something in those looks, and I know he knows there's something in the way I look at him.

Worst of all is the jealousy. When he’s out with other guys, or especially when he has a guy staying over, it ****ing kills me. I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

So, anyway, I’m getting all these signs from him that maybe he has feelings for me too. The thing is, I can’t act on how I’m feeling – not without it turning into one giant mess. I know he should move out, but I don’t want him to because then I would have lost him. I’m trying to repress how I feel but I just cant. I’m in love with him. What the **** do you do when you love two guys?

Would love to hear if anyone else has gone through this, and what you think I should do. This is driving me crazy.

Boston

You're just allowing this to happen. No where in your post do you suggest he's forcing any of this upon you, you're making a conscious decision to allow this continue and steadily grow. Theres a physical attraction there, but you've no idea if theres real solid feelings behind that attraction, or if its just a lack of boundaries.

If friends are commenting on it, your boyfriend must also suspect, and as such think of the effect this will have on him. This will all end in a mess if you do nothing, on the other hand if you can talk opening about your feelings with both these guys, you way find away to resolve the situation without anyone being too hurt.

curiousboy

Thanks Boston. Everything you're saying is valid. He is not forcing anything upon me - in fact I have no real indication that he has any feelings for me at all. Maybe its just all in my head and I'm just reading too much into it? I also know that I'm allowing this to happen - but then the alternative is awful. If I tell him how I feel then it would mean he would probably move out, the friendship would more than likely be over, and socialising in my circle of friends would be hell if they all found out - which they would. Then of course there's my boyfriend. Although we've agreed on an open relationship, rules are we can't get emotionally involved with anyone else. And you're right, I think he already does suspect that i'm attracted to our flatmate.
ARGHHH! Maybe the only option is for me to completely ignore my feelings for him. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I feel like a total prick falling for someone when I'm already in a relationship. I just don't know how to control my feelings and get past this.

Aard

Your priority is your boyfriend, not some guy you don't know very well. If you start putting your boyfriend in second place, he'll notice.


Also, it's totally inappropriate for other guys to kiss you while you're in a relationship already. This other guy isn't showing you respect by doing so.

HoLLLLLaments

fold preflop imo

curiousboy

HoLLLLLaments wrote: »

fold preflop imo

Huh???

HoLLLLLaments

curiousboy wrote: »

Huh???

its up to you but your out of position here and its gonna be akward to play it out, just muck now and dont be results orientated

Boston

curiousboy, we can't control our feelings by ignoring them. You need to accept how you feel for this boy and deal with the situation from that stance. Make a decision, boyfriend or this new boy, if you choose boyfriend remove yourself as much as possible from this boys company. Don't be as flirthy, establish boundaries. If you don't talk to him about this, it will come across that you're being cold and distance. The only chance (and thats all it is, a chance) for these actions not to mean an end to your friendship is to talk to the boy about what you're doing and why.

If on the other hand you choose the new boy over your boyfriend, then you need to talk to your boyfriend about whats happening. You can't just plow along and allow yourself to one day end up sleeping with and completely falling for this boy, pretending "it just happened". You can see this coming, head it off now so people don't get too badly hurt. Talk to your partner, you owe him that.

Most importantly and beyond this boy,your boyfriend and everyone else, look after yourself. You've allowed a situation to develop which is clearly having an impact on your emotional well being, and there I say, stressing you out no end. You need to protect yourself from getting hurt. Its entirely possible you're the one who will end up broken hearted and alone in the end. Be careful, and remember, just because you care about hurting others, doesn't mean they care about messing you up.

Aard wrote: »

Also, it's totally inappropriate for other guys to kiss you while you're in a relationship already. This other guy isn't showing you respect by doing so.

He's in an open relationship, as such the problem isn't being physical with other guys but rather the emotions he's feeling.

HoLLLLLaments wrote: »

fold preflop imo

Translated: Put a stop to this before you even know how he feels about you. From what you've seen already you know the changes are things are going to go badly for you and them. Thus you might as well throw in your cards now as you're going to be on the loosing end eventually and this way you may save yourself some heart break.

Amnesiac_ie

I have a long-term boyfriend – and for the most part we’re pretty happy.

That's all you have to say about your boyfriend?

I think you need to examine your own relationship and whether or not you're really "pretty happy." You seem to be completely infatuated with this third guy and well on the slippery slope to sleeping with him. A long-term boyfriend deserves a lot better than that and at the end of the day it comes down to two basic options

• If it's not working out with your long-term boyfriend then talk to him and break up with him if you can't work it out
• If your relationship is worth saving, cut the besotted teen routine, put some distance between you and NewBoi and treat your boyfriend with some respect and put some work into reigniting your relationship.

curiousboy

Hey Boston and Amnesiac_ie ... this is all great advice. I'm being really stupid about this. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him - I need to put a stop to my feelings for my flatmate asap. And you're right Amnesiac_ie, I do have work to do in my relationship - we're not 100% happy and maybe that's why I've allowed myself to fall for someone new ... maybe I was hoping to find in him what I was missing in my relationship?
Thanks for helping me with this ... I was well on my way to convincing myself that there could be something with this guy without it impacting on my relationship - but clearly I was blind.