abusive relationship? rape? confused.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

that's going to be a bit of a long read for you guys. If you don't want to do that I completely understand.

Well, I have a small problem. I'm scared ****less of having sex. I don't have a problem with kissing people or doing a little more when I'm going out, that's not the point. The point is that I'm totally incapable of maintaining a relationship with a guy. I'm scared of having sex with him, I never trust people that far to believe that they wouldn't hurt me, or, to put it in better words, I don't trust myself not to allow people to hurt me, even if he doesn't intend to do so.
I know why I am this way, but I don't know how to fix it... here's the why:

I grew up in a not really that happy family. I met a guy in school when I was 15. We went to his place, and he convinced me to have sex with him. That was the first time for me, I didn't really want it and I told him so. He explained to me that it's normal to be afraid, it'll be harmless and so on and so forth, I guess most of you have an experience like that or know someone who has. Well, in the end he did what he had to and I remained passive and let him get on with it. I broke up with him the next day.

I didn't really realise what had happened there, I didn't think about it at all, just put it out of my mind. A year or so later I had my first "real" boyfriend and it was quite weird. I enjoyed him touching me a lot, but the sex part was a different story. It wasn't that he was rough or something like that, he didn't know anything about what has happened to me before but he was always kind to me. He suggested we should try something new and I said yes. I said yes to just about everything. I didn't care. I wouldn't even say I didn't even enjoy this part of the relationship. This was just something I knew I'd never enjoy like other people seemed to, and I started questioning all the things people say about sex being an enjoyable thing. It wasn't, for me.

For various reasons this guy and I broke up after 1.5 years, and I met somebody else a few month later. I was 17 at that time and he was 23. This guy is my problem, I think. When we started the relationship I told him that my experiences so far haven't been exaclty what people would call positive. I don't remember his response, but I don't think he understood what I was saying or he just didn't give a shi*t.
I hate myself for being with this person for 5 years. We saw each other only at the weekends, and friday evenings I always knew what would happen. We'd go to bed, he would touch me. I would tell him I don't want anything to happen. He was discussing with me, for hours. I was lying in bed countless times trying to make him understand that I really didn't want to have sex with him - at 3 AM. This wasn't occassionally, it was the normal pattern. In the end I just gave up, every single time. He didn't understand. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't know how to make him shut up and leave me alone. He never used violence or anything like that, he just discussed. I don't know why I stayed with him for so long, I hate myself for being so stupid.
He made me do things I didn't want, not only "normal" things but experimenting with things, filming or taking pictures etc. I never wanted it, but he didn't understnad that. I couldn't make him understand.
I ended the relationship because a conversation I had with a friend. I told this guy that I know exaclty what's going to happen on a weekend night, and he said that it sounds terribly unromantic to him. I didn't go into any details, but this kind of opened my eyes. I broke up with my boyfriend if you want to call him that pretty much directly after that.

After that happened I was seriously messed up. I never could restrain myself to scratch something when a part of my body was itchy but this was more. I deliberately scratched so long that it started to bleed. I used fire, I used needles, but mostly I used my bare hands.

As life goes, I ran away. I moved to Dublin (I'm from Europe so it was quite a change for me) and I started going out with somebody else. I told him everything, every little thing (there's more than what's here but the other things are small in comparison and not that important, I think). He was understanding. He was patient with me, but I felt obligated to do things even though he didn't push me into doing them. I knew he would want me to do them, even if he's not voicing his wishes. We were together for nearly 1.5 years and we never had sex. We tried, once or twice, but he saw I'm not comfortable with it and stopped. It was very frustrating for me, and for him as well.
He cheated on me in the end and I believe he did that because of my nice problem.

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of having a relationship because I know that either I'll mess it up or it will mess me up. I tried having one night stands but it was a disaster and I don't want to do it again. I want human contact, I want a guy to hug me and love me. I want to love and I want to be loved. But I don't want to feel this obligation to have sex, I can't deal with that and is making a mess out of everything.

Any suggestions? :S

Meathgirl

HI THERE,

I've just read your mail..... I think you should try talking to a counsellor. I have been where you are but found the most amazing counsellor who helped me through so much....
Talking really helps....

MG

Nevyn

You need to talk to a professional about what you went through and to deal with the issues which are having such a negative effect you.

I am so sorry that you have had such experiences

http://www.drcc.ie/index.htm

Welcome to the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre Website

If you have been raped, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed or sexually abused you are not on your own. Many women and men of all ages have had similar experiences.

Here at the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre we know that it can be difficult to talk about these issues and that is why we are here to listen when you feel ready to talk to someone.

We offer a confidential, 24-hour telephone helpline, 7 days a week staffed by trained counselors who are available to listen to you and any concerns you may have in regard to issues of rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment or childhood sexual abuse.

Although the Centre is based in Dublin, our counsellors take calls from all over the country and every call is dealt with in confidence and with respect and understanding.

If you have any queries in relation to these issues, please call us at the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre.

We are here to listen

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