I want to get married..

LegacyUser

hi
Just to give u a brief back ground, me and my bf are both 25, we have a great relationship and have been going out 5years, and we have been living together for the past 2years..

We have done loads of traveling together and we are currently living in nz now living the dream. Even though I am happy with my current life, I cant help but want to plan for our future together when we move home in a couple of yrs.. I want to get married mainly because i want us to have children by the time we're 27/28, please don't get me wrong, i'm not after the big dress/ day and i'm certainly not interested in spending thousands of euro on just one day. i want to get married because I love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

My problem is, me and my bf have spoken about what we want in the future, but we ave always spoken about it as if its going to happen years away..but i know i am ready now. i have tried to talk to him about this but he was quiet shocked when I said I wanted it all in to happen in 2yrs time and he merly tried to change the conversation and said he didnt really think we would be having this conversation for another 5 yrs..

My question is, is it unrealisitic for me to want to plan my future with him after all we have been going out 5yrs, I want to be sure we want the same things in life..
I don't want to force any one into doing something he doesnt want to do but how do i approach this subject so we can meet somewhere in the middle and try plan a time frame?

I think the main problem really is because i am a planner and he is not some one who can plan ahead.

Am I being unfair putting this pressure on him, should I just wait another few yrs until he is ready to talk to me about this, but what if its too late then and he decides he doesnt want to marry me or have kids with me.

Has any one else being in a similar situation?

Carrigart Exile

Unregistered wrote: »

hi
Just to give u a brief back ground, me and my bf are both 25, we have a great relationship and have been going out 5years, and we have been living together for the past 2years..

We have done loads of traveling together and we are currently living in nz now living the dream. Even though I am happy with my current life, I cant help but want to plan for our future together when we move home in a couple of yrs.. I want to get married mainly because i want us to have children by the time we're 27/28, please don't get me wrong, i'm not after the big dress/ day and i'm certainly not interested in spending thousands of euro on just one day. i want to get married because I love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

My problem is, me and my bf have spoken about what we want in the future, but we ave always spoken about it as if its going to happen years away..but i know i am ready now. i have tried to talk to him about this but he was quiet shocked when I said I wanted it all in to happen in 2yrs time and he merly tried to change the conversation and said he didnt really think we would be having this conversation for another 5 yrs..

My question is, is it unrealisitic for me to want to plan my future with him after all we have been going out 5yrs, I want to be sure we want the same things in life..
I don't want to force any one into doing something he doesnt want to do but how do i approach this subject so we can meet somewhere in the middle and try plan a time frame?

I think the main problem really is because i am a planner and he is not some one who can plan ahead.

Am I being unfair putting this pressure on him, should I just wait another few yrs until he is ready to talk to me about this, but what if its too late then and he decides he doesnt want to marry me or have kids with me.

Has any one else being in a similar situation?

Guys hate that when you start planning our life; and I know women hate it when they cannot plan because of this. Reading what you have written you make it sound almost a military campaign. Take a wee step back, you have at least 20 years of child bearing ahead of you, if this is definitely the guy then focus on you guys. Children and marraige will suddenly dawn on him.

Firetrap

Have to agree. It's good to have plans but I always get wary when I hear stuff like "I want to be married by x age" or "I want to have x number of kids". You're making getting married sound like a deadline that has to be met. Life's not like that as you well know. Perhaps you're scaring your boyfriend

MagicMarker

You're only 25! Christ i'm 25 and would never even consider getting married, regardless of how long i'm been with someone.

LegacyUser

I have the exact same problem-ive been debating whether to post here or not. I am 25 also boyfriend is 26, together 5 years, living together for 2. I am crazy to get married because i badly want children-now. My boyfriend knows this, he has said we should try for one next year but i want to be married first. Ive told him this before but he never mentions this when he talks about a baby for next year. Ive decided im going to try my best not to keep on at him about it because i want him to propose because he wants to, not because its an ultimatum. I also have pressure from my mum about getting married.

Macha

What's the rush?

Why do you want to have kids by the time you're 28?

And why do you have to be married to have kids?

KhanTheMan

oooh. I am wincing at the OPs post. As a man who was married a long time ago i can remember a few relationships that i was happy in and when the mention of marraige came up i had to get out even if i wanted to stay. Bringing up that conversation to a man who hasnt brought it up himself is a relationship killer.

I always planned to get married but when it was right, not when the gf decided i should put up or shut up. That conversation is seen as the beginning of a life of nagging.

bumbletumble

you should never "plan" as to whn you want to get married by!! my i have known my best friend for 10 years and when i first met me she had this whole plan in her head she was gonna get married at 25 first kid at 27.. have 4 kids in total and in was like a to do list!!! 10 years she just got married she has just got married at 27 after being wit the fella for 8 years..not even thinkin of children and as happy as she can be. Do push you fella for what you THINK you want cus you amy just psuh him away...let things happen naturally!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I have the exact same problem-ive been debating whether to post here or not. I am 25 also boyfriend is 26, together 5 years, living together for 2. I am crazy to get married because i badly want children-now. My boyfriend knows this, he has said we should try for one next year but i want to be married first. Ive told him this before but he never mentions this when he talks about a baby for next year. Ive decided im going to try my best not to keep on at him about it because i want him to propose because he wants to, not because its an ultimatum. I also have pressure from my mum about getting married.

A) You're allowed to propose - as happened to a friend of mine. If he says yes then good for you. If he says no then at least you know where you stand.

Why would your mum pressure you to get married and why would you listen to such nonsense?

OP, I know quite a lot of 25 year old guys and girls (I'm in my mid 30s) and I wouldn't say that any of them are ready to get married at that age. 3/4 years out of college, at the start of one's career, lots to see and do, lots of fun times ahead..... why the need to tie the knot?

What difference does a couple of years make? Seriously - "I want kids when I'm 27/28" - well, what difference does two are three years later make?

Maybe you should ask him what exactly he wants.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Thank you for your advice, I agree with some of your comments that to some who do not know me, i am "only" 25 but I can say i cannot compare myself to anyone else that is "only" 25. I have been through alot as a child so I have been forced to grow up fast. Experiences like i've been through do make me look at life differently.(not something i want to get into here).

I don't plan on putting a deadline or an ultimatum to my bf. that would not be very fair i just want us to have an open minded conversation about what our expectations are for our future because for the past year i have strong feelings to have a baby..not something i ever thought i would have but hey i cant ignore my hormones 4ever! and for me i want to get married before we start a family together..
I just wondered if other couples spoke openly about marriage&kids??

I am not impressed by some peoples opinions on all girls being a nag or frightening there long term partner off so much that leave them over a serious conversation?

If my bf broke up with me because I started a conversation about our future. I would be thinking I am better off without him..

"Bringing up that conversation to a man who hasnt brought it up himself is a relationship killer."KhanTheMan are you suggesting that because i am female i shouldn't bring up a conversation about our future? should i just wait until the man of the relationship is ready to talk about it??

Hairyass

What is it with wimmen and getting married????

Is it a rite of passage or someting? My gf told me what she wants for christmas this year (we are not going out two years yet), ya, a goddamned ring. She mentioned it a few weeks ago and reckoned a minimun of 5k would be nice. Then tonight when she brought it up again (on the phone) I said I couldnt afford it (true). Then she reckoned an Argos one would do.
I am in my mid thirtys and she is pushing four-oh. I told her when we met that I am not interested in marriage.

I am mad about my gf and want to stay with her, but this is driving me mad.

Even if I did decide to get married, I aint doin it in front of some child rapin priest!!

Nehaxak

You don't have to be married to enjoy life in a longterm relationship, nor do you have to be married to have kids and live and enjoy life together as a family.

The stigma's attached to all of that stuff have thankfully been dissolved over the past ten years or more in Ireland and rightfully so.

Marriage is something that both partners must want, agree and plan together for. If you *REALLY* want too you could always propose to him in some romantic setting, doesn't always have to be the man that proposes.

If he says no, well then you need to think about your future with him if what you want is not what he wants.
If he says yes then happy days and you can start planning away...

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't plan on putting a deadline or an ultimatum to my bf. that would not be very fair i just want us to have an open minded conversation about what our expectations are for our future because for the past year i have strong feelings to have a baby..not something i ever thought i would have but hey i cant ignore my hormones 4ever! and for me i want to get married before we start a family together..
I just wondered if other couples spoke openly about marriage&kids??

I think some people, mostly men, need time to get their heads around the idea of marriage. As you've been together 5 years and have gotten used to the idea in that time, it's easy to imagine that he has been thinking along the same lines as you, but he obviously hasn't. I'd suggest that you chat to him and say you want to talk to him about how you'd like things to go. Then tell him that you'll give him a few months to give it some thought and maybe you'll have a chat about it again in the spring. Don't put pressure on him, just let him know how you feel. Once he knows how you feel he might start to to give his own feelings on the matter a bit more thought and be open to changing his opinions. But once you've made your feelings clear give him a chance to adjust.

Carrigart Exile

Hairyass wrote: »

What is it with wimmen and getting married????

Even if I did decide to get married, I aint doin it in front of some child rapin priest!!

That is an extraordinarily insulting and disusting comment

Wibbs

Hairyass infracted and warned for OTT psoting. Less of the rhetoric and read the charter of this forum.

Curvy Vixen

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,
Thank you for your advice, I agree with some of your comments that to some who do not know me, i am "only" 25 but I can say i cannot compare myself to anyone else that is "only" 25. I have been through alot as a child so I have been forced to grow up fast. Experiences like i've been through do make me look at life differently.(not something i want to get into here).

I don't plan on putting a deadline or an ultimatum to my bf. that would not be very fair i just want us to have an open minded conversation about what our expectations are for our future because for the past year i have strong feelings to have a baby..not something i ever thought i would have but hey i cant ignore my hormones 4ever! and for me i want to get married before we start a family together..

My problem is, me and my bf have spoken about what we want in the future, but we ave always spoken about it as if its going to happen years away..but i know i am ready now. i have tried to talk to him about this but he was quiet shocked when I said I wanted it all in to happen in 2yrs time and he merly tried to change the conversation and said he didnt really think we would be having this conversation for another 5 yrs..

I think you are doing your boyfriend a disservice ~ he has had a conversation with you about the future according to your OP and he has said that he doesn't see anything happening for up to 5 years. That is where he stands on this. But it sounds to me like this wasn't the 'right' answer for you

We have all been through 'stuff' in our lives that have made us into the people that we are but it seems to me that your partner is happy having fun right now. Kids and mortgages and (hopefully) marriages last an awful long time. And I'm not saying that those things are good or bad, but they are different and in general they are hard. Maybe he wants to have fun just with you and him right now.

And if this upsets you hugely then you need to look at whether this man, as he stands before you telling you that he doesn't want to think about kids/marriage for 5 years+, is really the man for you.

I know that at 25 I was a totally different person to the one I am today. I also know that I was madly in love with a man who was my life then. But had we have had kids or married one of us would have been in prison for murder by now!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im 24 and I love my OH (hes a bit older), we're only together 1.5 year but about 6 months or so into the relationship we had a gushing chat with each other that we really were mad about each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We've talked about getting married alot and candidly at first I suggested children, and now we softly joke about what our kids will be like. I love knowing that he wants it too, when I joke now about it he insists we have our house before we get married. We're aiming for next year for the house and are saving. I moved in last March, we're up and down, not perfect like every relationship but its definitely great to know the other person wants the same things too.

I never had this before, and Im so happy we can be honest with each other. Im also happy that I know I wont be waiting 5 years, or ten years like his best friend and his girlfriend.

If I were you, the five years would be my cut off point. Id give him an ultimatum, its your life too you know. Maybe he has planned to propose and he wants to put you off the scent.

Theres nothing wrong with telling him that the ship will sail if he doesnt grow up.

Peewee_lane

Tell him this ship is gonna sail if you dont get yourself into action.

Im sure theres plenty more hunks out in NZ.

Wibbs

IMHO I would avoid talk about ships sailing. Ultimatums will put people on the back foot and likely backfire. Some are more sensitive to them than others. I would be in that category. I've walked before over them(not on this subject exactly). In those cases there was talk of long term commitment at a very early stage(we're talking weeks here). I got the "this ship is sailing" line once too often, so I let them sail off, without me on board. Off the top of my head I can think of two men who did walk away down the line over marriage pressure. In one case I reckon they would still be together if the woman had taken things easy. Again we are not talking about 10 year relationships. They were in the honeymoon period still. At 7 years or whatever I would be asking questions of course.

If you push people with most emotional things, they have a tendency to push back or pull away. Agreeing with you is the least likely option. Sometimes it looks like they agree, but it's more as an avoidance tactic and it can drive a wedge or be the start of a process of disconnect.

I think the open minded convo is the way to go. Tell him your wants and needs and see if compromise can be reached. That way they feel part of the decision. There can be a gender bias here. Men in general are not as marriage focused as women. They tend to like keeping the status quo. They often do need a bit of a push. It's how you do it that makes the diff. Avoid ultimatums.

AngryBadger

It's very simple OP, either the two of you are ready, or you're not. Your bf is obviously not ready, you can accept that and move on with your relationship until you're both in the same place. Or you can leave him and find someone who will marry you now. Or you can pressure him into marraige and wind up in a relationship with someone who resents you.

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I just got married and I'm 24 as is my husband.

He told me he wanted to get married when we were 22 and I did feel it was a bit too young but went with it anyway.

Now we're married he wants kids ...
I want kids but not right now,
Like you, I've done what I've set out to in life, got a degree and a job I love.
But right now I want to enjoy my life as it is and it's likely he does too.
Once you are a parent you are a parent for life.
Maybe he feels you only want to get married because you want kids and the minute you have a ring on your finger you suddenly become super fertile etc ...
If he is genuinely not ready to have a baby in 2 years time then I'm afraid you cannot push him,
My husband is of a similar mindset, wants kids at 26 .. I can't imagine having a baby now .. I mean if I got pregnant I would deal with it and adapt of course but I wouldn't set out to do it!!

ohnoigotsick

Hairyass wrote: »

Even if I did decide to get married, I aint doin it in front of some child rapin priest!!

sorry for going off topic but what a statement, you are some tosser.

your a man , priests are men , does that make you guilty by assocation, does it f*ck - a bit of respect for decent clergy men wouldn't go astray


OP, just go with the flow , i got married this year but if i was given an ultimatium to be married by a certain age i wouldn't do it , so have these conversations but don't repeatly have them or heap any pressure on him

Wibbs

ohnoigotsick the matter has been dealt with. Please stay on topic. Thanks

iguana

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

I think you are doing your boyfriend a disservice ~ he has had a conversation with you about the future according to your OP and he has said that he doesn't see anything happening for up to 5 years. That is where he stands on this. But it sounds to me like this wasn't the 'right' answer for you

What normally happens in a relationship when each person has a differing opinion on something which affects them both? They need to either reach a compromise or one person has to sacrifice their desires. Either way they need to talk about it quite a bit and give each other space to think about it between conversations.

Just because he doesn't want to get married for 5 years doesn't mean that's the end of it. The OP has different desires and her feelings are equally valid. The only way to find a solution is to work through it together. The same would be true about getting a dog, going on holiday, buying a house, emmigrating, etc.

MIN2511

Why do we plan life the way we do?
A colleague of mine died a few weeks ago and he's only 27, my friend's brother died yesterday and he's only 21.... We plan our lives and mirror our dreams on what we think is 'ideal/perfect' life isn't like that.

Op, fair enough you want to get married but what would you do if your bf tells you that he wants to wait another 3/4 yrs. What would you do then?

LegacyUser

"I want to get married mainly because i want us to have children by the time we're 27/28"

Yeah, see the name of this thread should be "I want to have a baby"

I'm sorry but your boyfriend is enjoying being an adult, living the life etc.
I mean realistically you'd want to start trying now? Or within the next few months?

Babies are a huge comitment as I'm sure you know and maybe he is enjoying relaxing a bit, you say you've travelled a lot, maybe your boyfriend is enjoying having a routine, disposable income and just chilling and isn't ready for this change.

LegacyUser

I feel for the OP. Its all very well to tell her she has "20 years of Chilbearing in her" but you assume that she wants to be bearing children in her late thrirties and forties which not all women want to. I would rather have children in my late twenties too when I have the energy to run around after them. A lot of men dotn realise that women have a biological clock and like it or not, miscarriages and risks to both the mother and child increase steadily with pregnancies in later life. Yes. maybe you might be in a financially more stable situation but perhaps she does not want to be a first time mother at 35? Dont make the mistake of assuming that because you think in terms of having "all the time in the world" that your viewpoint applies to anyone. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have children in your late twenties ffs, they are not teenager- they are grown adults and have been together 5 years!
OP, if you want my advice, you should back off a little from your partner. If he still doesnt want to commit to you after so long it means he is unsure about the relationship. I would be wary of talking about it too much with him because you need to bear in ind that men can father children all through their adult life and into old age so his mentality in that regard is going to be different to your own and he likely wont understand that as a woman, its different for you. He also sounds like he commitment issue. I say you need to pull back a bit. Find hobbies and interests that dont involve him and give a lot of your time to those. He needs to realise what he has in you and sometimes the best way to make him see is not to be so available all the time and so obviously wanting a commitment. Otherwise its all to easy for him to dangle a carrot in front of you and no woman deserves that.

Curlypinkie

OP, I was like that at your age. And cringing when I look back.
How have we the right to take anything for granted planning ahead like that?

Live every day happy as you are and things will come to you. Wanting and needing things will just put a strain on your relationship if your partner isn't ready/wants the same thing.

Try focisuing on what is now. A lot of girls I've known through my life waste their lifes planning ahead. We don't live tomorrow or in a week or 2 years. We live today.

Curvy Vixen

iguana wrote: »

What normally happens in a relationship when each person has a differing opinion on something which affects them both? They need to either reach a compromise or one person has to sacrifice their desires. Either way they need to talk about it quite a bit and give each other space to think about it between conversations.

Just because he doesn't want to get married for 5 years doesn't mean that's the end of it. The OP has different desires and her feelings are equally valid. The only way to find a solution is to work through it together. The same would be true about getting a dog, going on holiday, buying a house, emmigrating, etc.

I'm not sure what part of my post specifically you are quoting iguana but....

I didn't at any stage say that it should be the end of it if he doesn't want to get married. The OP said that all she wants is..

i just want us to have an open minded conversation about what our expectations are for our future

and then went on to say..

My problem is, me and my bf have spoken about what we want in the future, but we ave always spoken about it as if its going to happen years away..but i know i am ready now. i have tried to talk to him about this but he was quiet shocked when I said I wanted it all in to happen in 2yrs time and he merly tried to change the conversation and said he didnt really think we would be having this conversation for another 5 yrs..

So from what she has written they have actually talked about it and he isn't ready yet.

And I'm sorry but if this is really, really important to her and he is adding 5 years+ into the equation then one of her options absolutely has to be the 'is this the right relationship for me?' question.

Wagon

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

That is an extraordinarily insulting and disusting comment

Thought it was a class one myself.

OP I'll try and look at it from a different standpoint, can you not have kids without the marraige? Marraige is nothing but a legal agreement these days (cue the angry mob) with the bloke always coming off worse if things go wrong. So it's possible that that's running through his mind. I don't mean he plans to break up with you, but he could be afraid in case you broke up with him in the future, and he wouldn't be able to see his child or have no legal rights etc...

shellyboo

Wagon wrote: »

Thought it was a class one myself.

OP I'll try and look at it from a different standpoint, can you not have kids without the marraige? Marraige is nothing but a legal agreement these days (cue the angry mob) with the bloke always coming off worse if things go wrong. So it's possible that that's running through his mind. I don't mean he plans to break up with you, but he could be afraid in case you broke up with him in the future, and he wouldn't be able to see his child or have no legal rights etc...

If the OP's boyfriend is worried about not having any legal rights to his children, then he's arse-backwards wrong about not wanting to get married. Unless he's married to the OP, he has no claim whatsoever on his children unless he's made legal guardian.

Anyway, I respect the OP for wanting to wait until marriage to have children. A child is a lifelong commitment, much more of a commitment than a piece of paper and a promise that can be undone at a later date. You can't undo a child. If you're not prepared to be tied to someone for the rest of your life then having a child is the last thing you should do.

Basically, I think that if you're not prepared to marry a person, you should question your reasons for having kids with them. If the OP wants to be sure that the father of her children is someone who's going to be her partner forever, I think she's well within her rights to want to wait until after marriage.

Wagon

shellyboo wrote: »

If the OP's boyfriend is worried about not having any legal rights to his children, then he's arse-backwards wrong about not wanting to get married. Unless he's married to the OP, he has no claim whatsoever on his children unless he's made legal guardian.

Fair enough, although he doesn't get much more of a voice in court with being married either. Then again, I'm fairly pessimistic when it comes to that stuff :P

I'll just say one more thing to ya OP anyway, while it's great that you want kids people who've told you to wait a bit longer till your both ready are correct. If you want a family in the future, then it's worth waiting until your boyfriend is ready too. He might chage his mind on the next year or so, you just never know. Don't force it on him. Let things take their course. It'll work out