Should I come out to my football team??

Sin É

Hi,
This is my first post on this website. I’ve been reading through this gay section for quite a while and it has been a great source to read people’s experiences with coming out and other issues that I can relate to. I’ve never felt the need to register and post anything until now as I have a particular situation that I hope you guys can give your opinion on.
I’m 25 and came out to my family and some close friends this past year or so. I’ve also had a boyfriend now for about 7 months. So I’ve been through all the usual trauma and ups and downs with breaking this supposedly ‘shocking’ news to people and I guess I’ve hit the next hurdle. The thing is I play for a football and hurling team at my local club. I’m quite involved in the club, have been playing since I was a kid and would be considered quite a good player...named player of the year last year and am now the captain of the football team (sorry for the bragging, but just trying to put things into context).
The thing is I’ve not told anyone on my team that I’m gay and I wonder if I should at all. I keep a fairly low profile outside of the club and so far I’ve been able to keep the whole gay thing away from them. However, I do assume at some point it would get back to some of the lads as the aul circle widens. So do you think I should just say it to some of the lads before they inevitably find out?? I also wonder what the reaction would be if it was common knowledge that I am gay...as you can imagine, a very macho, lads slagging attitude here. Also, I think it could be horribly awkward...showers/changing rooms after matches etc.

For me, I’ve become really quite comfortable in myself now that I’m out to certain people and in a steady relationship. I think it would be great if I could be out also with my team mates and just get on with it as usual but I think it’s gonna be a bit more complicated than that, for the reasons stated above.
Has anyone been in such a situation before or heard of someone? I really want to hear some evidence first before I take the plunge.
I think this is a tricky one, any advice for me?

LookingFor

Do you socialise much with your team-mates outside of the sport itself?

If you do, if you consider some of them to be friends beyond just the sport, then it's worth thinking about. I mean in the context of, say, if you wanted them to know you were happy in a relationship with someone, and that someone happened to be a guy, or if you wanted them to meet him etc. I'm sure as friends they'd be curious to know your situation there, and probably would be curious if you seemed to be forever single.

However, if they're not really so much friends, but just team-mates, then I kind of question if they really need to know about your sexuality. Does it matter? When I think about people like work mates or the like, I don't make it a point to come out to them, because really, my social life, my sexual life isn't relevant to my work life at all. And in your case, unfortunately, with certain sports, it could cause some tension with some people, and you have to consider carefully if it's worth it or necessary even.

I'm guessing from your post, and that you have a BF, and your family and close friends know, that you're not at a stage where you have to 'tell the world', or where you really need people to talk to about it.

yogert

Hi Sin e,

Imo I think you should go for it. You're obviously a great little player and if you do get any stick for being gay i'd definitely throw the fact that your captain and current player of the year in their faces and watch them cringe. Its your decision but as you said it may trickle out eventually that your gay before you get a chance to say it so why not nip it in the bud...

I'm 21 and still very much closeted and can't see myself coming out for a long time so I may be seen as a bit hypocritical.

The very best of luck with your decision.

shay_562

Couple of thoughts: first off, roughly how big is the area you're living in? 'Cause my experience of small towns is that everyone finds out everything about everyone else sooner or later - if some people know already, then it will get back to them. Hell, even in Dublin my brother managed to find out before I told him, because someone in my course went to school with someone he worked with. And in my experience, people tend to take it better when you tell them yourself rather than when they find out from another source - particularly with a GAA team, there's a trust thing there that you need to think about. What does it say to them that you didn't have enough faith in them to tell them?

I have to say that I don't think them being 'macho' necessarily means they'll take it badly. I've known complete lads' lads who've taken it fine and effeminate girly men who are viciously homophobic (often 'cause they're frustrated closet cases, though that's a different rant). Point is, you often can't tell how people will react (and, again from personal experience, you've probably built it up enough in your head at this stage that you're picturing it being much worse than it would be), and if they've known you for years they're likely to be at least understanding, if not immediately accepting. Plus, as yogert said, the fact that you're pretty damn good should help - just something I remember from secondary school, that no matter how much of a social retard someone was, if they were good at football they'd have plenty of friends.

They'll probably rip the piss. In fact, they'll definitely rip the piss, though I'd suggest that that's actually a good thing, as it means they're acting normally about it. And yes, the showers and changing will be awkward, but they'll get over it, especially if you refuse to be awkward about it yourself. Again, it's likely to be far worse if they find out before you tell them, or if there's rumours going around for a while before they find out.

One final thought: I'd respectfully disagree with LookingFor when s/he questions whether they really need to know about your sexuality. I wouldn't say they need to, but I do think it's a massive thing to be hiding from them, and I'd ask you: if you had a girlfriend of 7 months, would you mention her in casual conversations? Would she turn up to matches sometimes to support you? Would she have met your teammates, or gone for a drink with you and them at some stage? If the answer to any of those is "Yes", then I'd recommend telling them. It's not fair to you to have to hide it from them, and it's not fair to your boyfriend to remain a part of your life that you're afraid or ashamed to bring up or mention. It'll be hard, and some of them will be **** people about it, but I honestly think it's the best thing for you to do.

Good luck either way, and let us know how you get on!

anotherlostie

First off, I don't play for a team (well not a sporting one ). I nearly think you might be better off asking this question in After Hours, asking guys there how they would react to one of their team mates coming out. No doubt there would be the showers jibes, and more people than the team getting to know.

What I do know is that the only British soccer player, Justin Fashanu, to come out had a terrible time dealing with the abuse he got. OK, you won't be dealing with things on the scale he had to, but just imagine every person supporting the opponent screaming "******!" at you every time you had the ball. Is there one mate that you could confide in to test the waters?

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Reflector

Hi Sin É,
Well you keep a low profile so I assume that you don't mix too much with the other players outside, Ideally of course they should respect you as a player and your obvious talents. On the other hand people can be very narrow minded and petty.
If you think of the scenarios.
1. You come out, everyone is fine with it, life goes on and nothing changes and you can enjoy life and football comfortable in yourself.

2.You come out, they reject you and playing for your team becomes unbearable.

You stand to lose a lot. I think that there is a lot of guys in your situation and are afraid to come out. I used to play rugby and never felt that I could come out,but I was young and a total closet case. I hope things have changed since then and people can come out more easily. Sport is one area where gay men are still stygmatised. I think it is time that gay sports people began to come out.I might suggest posing the same question on the GAA forum on this website and see the response. At least you'd get some honest answers with no damage to yourself.

Boston

[quote=shay_562;57819160
One final thought: I'd respectfully disagree with LookingFor when s/he questions whether they really need to know about your sexuality. I wouldn't say they need to, but I do think it's a massive thing to be hiding from them, and I'd ask you: if you had a girlfriend of 7 months, would you mention her in casual conversations? Would she turn up to matches sometimes to support you? Would she have met your teammates, or gone for a drink with you and them at some stage? If the answer to any of those is "Yes", then I'd recommend telling them. It's not fair to you to have to hide it from them, and it's not fair to your boyfriend to remain a part of your life that you're afraid or ashamed to bring up or mention. It'll be hard, and some of them will be **** people about it, but I honestly think it's the best thing for you to do.
[/quote]

Thats what it comes down to really. Surely at some stage you're going to want your boyfriend at matches the same way the other lads have their girlfriends, you'll want to do all the things couples do together and not worry about who might see you.

No one can present evidence to you about how your team-mates will take it. There are some people who have no problem with the more flamboyant homosexual men but have a problem with 'straight acting' ones. You simply won't know how they'll take it until you tell them. We're probably talking 20 - 30 people you play with regularly yes? With that number there's bound to be at least one who takes it badly, while the majority shouldn't care.

I think you know you have to let it be known that your gay to your team-mates. Problem is how to do this without alienating them. I wouldn't do it deliberately on a one to one basis as this can be actually increase pressure on the person you're telling. Opportunities present themselves all the time. Example

"What are you doing this weekend"
"Heading away with the boyfriend"

It can be that simple,

anotherlostie wrote: »

First off, I don't play for a team (well not a sporting one ). I nearly think you might be better off asking this question in After Hours, asking guys there how they would react to one of their team mates coming out. No doubt there would be the showers jibes, and more people than the team getting to know.

I seldom criticise anyone else's advice, but I think posting anything like this on after hours is a mistake. The collective mental ages there is about five and people will abuse you there just for the shake of it. You may have more luck posting on the sports forum, alternatively there's a lad that posts here whose involved with the celtic warriors, I'd dear say he has some experience with coming out to team-mates.

anotherlostie

Boston wrote: »

I seldom criticise anyone else's advice, but I think posting anything like this on after hours is a mistake. The collective mental ages there is about five and people will abuse you there just for the shake of it. You may have more luck posting on the sports forum, alternatively there's a lad that posts here whose involved with the celtic warriors, I'd dear say he has some experience with coming out to team-mates.

In hindsight I would agree that posting on the GAA or Soccer Forum would possibly generate more sensible debate than AH.

LegacyUser

Stupid question but... why do they HAVE to be told? it's none of their business who you are with. Did they come out to you as hetrosexual? I'm betting not. Just do your own thing and keep personal away from work/sport/hobbies because the truth is if you're as good as you say they don't care that you're gay (and they probably already know) but are happy not to say anything because you're good for the team but if you make a "statement" then you'll change that dynamic not them because it'll be you making them uncomfortable not them making you uncomfortable. Best advice here is IF IT AINT BROKE DON'T FIX IT. If you are asked THEN say it but if not then I don't see why you can't just leave it, it makes no sense to just deliberatly draw attention unless that's what you are looking for? bring your boyfriend to matches if that's what you want sure with all the ass patting, men hugging each other, kissing when a goal is scored and crying when their team loses sport is already gay enough not to mention 22 guys chasing balls around a field in shorts for 90 minutes, if I didn't know any better I'd consider it a regular night in The George.

Sin É

Cheers lads for all the good advice. To answer some of your questions, I'll elaborate a little.

I said I keep a low profile outside of the club but I would socialise with these lads quite a bit and would consider some of them as good friends actually. It's a club in the Dublin suburbs by the way. I guess what I meant was that I keep my gay life in low profile. I therefore realise that I must say it to them at some point. And also to be a bit more respectful to my boyfriend.

I know that most of the lads won't have a problem with it and they will take the piss for sure but I can give as good as I get with the slagging. My big fear is the stupid rumour mill that will go on at the club in general and the whole 'did you hear bout the gay lad on that team' etc. which will be difficult to ignore.

I think what I was looking for here was someone who had a similar experience with a sports team and how it went. I will add a thread on the GAA board and see how they say they would react. It may be interesting for some of you so take a look over there at their responses.

Thanks again for the tips and your thoughts...

Boston

I went through the rumor mill aspect in college. It was as if we (the boyfriend at the time) and I where the first non-straight engineers. Its head wrecking tbh, especially when you meet someone new and they immediate come out with something like "yea you're that gay guy". Eventually it dies down and people move onto the next hot piece of gossip.

ocomaingf

Does one ever wonder if these are just posted to make us gays get all excited and jumpy-wumpy cuz there's a "footballer" writing in about being gay..? Please.

smashey

From the GAA forum...

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055415703

Boston

ocomaingf wrote: »

Does one ever wonder if these are just posted to make us gays get all excited and jumpy-wumpy cuz there's a "footballer" writing in about being gay..? Please.

No, and you don't get to express that view either. Everyone posting about their sexuality on this forum is treated with respect. If you've a problem with that, there are other places for you to go.

Of the top of my head, we have posting on this forum;

Gay engineers,
Gay rugby players,
Gay builders,
Gay gardi

A Gay GAA player isn't a stretch. FFs I played in a GAA club as a child, most Irish lads will have!

rkevin

well there is a top GAA player gay out there and most of his fans know it but because there county need him is just is not talk about

Sin É

ocomaingf wrote: »

Does one ever wonder if these are just posted to make us gays get all excited and jumpy-wumpy cuz there's a "footballer" writing in about being gay..? Please.

There are actually gay guys that play sports...believe it or not:rolleyes:

Sin É

So I started a thread over on the GAA board and most/all of the people there that replied said they would not have a problem with a team mate coming out to them which is a nice attitude to hear.

But why don't ANY top sports people come out??

rkevin wrote: »

well there is a top GAA player gay out there and most of his fans know it but because there county need him is just is not talk about

L1011

Tabloid media still spin it to sound like its a bad thing - even if they won't say it in so many words. Being seen alone in a gay club can be spun to 'XXX SEEN CRUISING FOR SEX', or so on. Look at the stuff the red-tops said about Brian Paddick (the out police chief in the UK) for instance.

As goes the gay GAA player, there is one I've been told is and who's very famous. But I'm not getting boards sued if he does a Jason Donovan!

Murder.1

Sin É wrote: »

So I started a thread over on the GAA board and most/all of the people there that replied said they would not have a problem with a team mate coming out to them which is a nice attitude to hear.

But why don't ANY top sports people come out??

Because there is still homophobia in Ireland. Even if your team do support you, and I'm sure many if not all of your friends will support you there is still the factor of the supporters of that team. I imagine it would be harder for a top GAA man to come out gay as there is more people who know him and the reason why he's not.

Keep us informed anyway

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Haven't posted here before but the subject interests me. I'm an out coach in my sport and have been for over 20 years. I think I only once had a problem with a little **** giving me grief in all that time and it was my teammates that sorted him out.

Over that time I've had many athletes come out to me in confidence, both guys and girls. Most didn't come out while they were competing but the few who did generally didn't experience any more homophobia than they would in work or college. I found that team-mates and officials generally respected them. Indeed a current Irish Olympian is generally out in his sport and it has never been more than a brief talking point.

GJ