Girlfriend can't lose weight

LegacyUser

My problem is simple. My girlfriend can't lose weight. She was fat before we met and now she has put alot of weight on. She is 5 foot 2 and she is a size 14-16.

The problem is that I don't fancy her at the mo - though I still love her. I don't want to put pressure on her or hurt her feelings.

That isn't exactly I want to put pressure on her but not hurt her feelings.

This is partly my fault too. She used to be a smoker and she gained the weight when she stopped smoking.

Now she is back on the fags but fat.

How can I help her lose weight? We are in a gym but she makes excuses not to go.

shellyboo

Unregistered1 wrote: »

My problem is simple. My girlfriend can't lose weight. She was fat before we met and now she has put alot of weight on. She is 5 foot 2 and she is a size 14-16.

The problem is that I don't fancy her at the mo - though I still love her. I don't want to put pressure on her or hurt her feelings.

That isn't exactly I want to put pressure on her but not hurt her feelings.

This is partly my fault too. She used to be a smoker and she gained the weight when she stopped smoking.

Now she is back on the fags but fat.

How can I help her lose weight? We are in a gym but she makes excuses not to go.

Well, if she's a size 14-16 NOW then I have to disgaree with you - she wasn't fat before you met, she was below the average female size. Size 14-16 is the norm in the UK and Ireland. But that's just me being preachy.

However, to answer your question - you can't help your gf lose weight, she has to do it by herself, for herself. When she makes the decision to do it and takes the initiative, she will... then you can be super supportive, go to the gym with her, go for walks, eat what she eats and just generally be there for her. But until she decides to do it for herself, then there's not much you can do. As you've seen with her smoking (which I would be far more worried about tbh) you have to want to do it in order for it to work.

Your choices are to live with it, or say something to her and risk losing her over hurt feelings. You're perfectly within your rights to address the issue - if you don't find her attractive anymore, then that's a serious issue in your relationship and there's little point in bottling it up. You have to make the call - do you love her enough to accept her the way she is now, or is her weight gain threatening the relationship? If it's the latter, you need to speak to her.

cowzerp

Size 14-16 for a 5, 2" girl is very fat, stumpy you might say. average in a fat country does not mean your not fat.

anyway, she is eating too much, its simple science, she needs to burn more calories than she is taking in, exercise will help but cutting down on her diet is most important, also giving up smokes dont make you fat, eating instead of smoking makes you fat..

Nevyn

You can't make her, she has to want to.
If she wants to you can encourage and help but you can't make her.

Colonel_McCoy

Get her on Pu-erh tea!

tatt chic

ok does she want to lose weight? its all about what you want but she might be happy enough? i doubt it but she might

what kind of food does she eat? i went off the fags and put on weight, mainy because food tasted nicer and i wanted more, but i wasn't eating the right foods.

its her eating habits she needs to change i'd say rather than a quick fix diet, she might lose weight but it will all go back on if she doesn't keep it up.

Oryx

Unregistered1 wrote: »

This is partly my fault too.

Dont see how it can be your fault?

How can I help her lose weight? We are in a gym but she makes excuses not to go.

Does she talk about losing weight herself? Is it something she is bothered about? If it is then you have some chance, but realise that regardless, she can only do it if she herself has the will to.

If shes not bothered then this is really just YOUR problem, and trying to make her diet or exercise will only make you into a nag. If thats the case you can mention and encourage, but not much else. So it is a case of put up with it, or consider how important her size is to the relationship as a whole. Is it a dealbreaker?

metamorphic

tell her you think that your arms/legs/chest/shoulders/something are skinny/fat/underdeveloped.

tell her you want to go to the gym but that you don't think you'll have the motivation to keep it up. Ask her to go with you, while suggesting she gives up the smokes again while she's at it. Put it up as a replacement for the smokes, becuase it does help to replace smoking with something anyway.

see if you can do it that way, spare her feelings about her weight, and get some benefit for both of you.

shellyboo

Oryx wrote: »

Dont see how it can be your fault?

I get the impression that the OP may have asked her to quit smoking - and weight gain is one of the most common side effects of quitting smoking.

Oryx wrote: »

If shes not bothered then this is really just YOUR problem, and trying to make her diet or exercise will only make you into a nag

This is a great point - not only will it be annoying, but it could seriously impact her self-esteem. I had an ex who was so supportive and gentle about me losing weight, he wasn't even all that bothered by it, just wanted me to be healthy - but in the end I was so ashamed of my body that it completely destroyed our sex life. I wasn't comfortable being naked with him anymore, despite having lost weight since I'd met him. So tread carefully.

spurious

Was she a heavy smoker?
Stopping smoking from a high level can sometimes cause thyroid issues which would affect her ability to lose weight. Might be worth a doctor's visit and full blood work.

LegacyUser

Jesus she talks of little else. She is bore on the subject. She just does nothing about it.

She lets herself 'be bold' on the weekend. Like her body knows it is the weekend!

Even the language 'bold' it is infantile.

We're in a gym she won't go.

SpookyDoll

Weight watchers cant be recommended highly enough. I really think it is one of the most sensible ways to lose weight healthily....

Encourage her to go there, if you have a few lb's yourself to lose even go with her!

cowzerp

spurious wrote: »

Was she a heavy smoker?
Stopping smoking from a high level can sometimes cause thyroid issues which would affect her ability to lose weight. Might be worth a doctor's visit and full blood work.

Funny stuff.

LegacyUser

Weight watchers ins't working. She went for a bit. It is how she lost weight before I met her.
she has lost interest in it now.

John Mason

well you all listen to yourselves.

Shock Horror - may be your gf is happy with her size. if she wanted to lose weight, she would go to a gym or WW or whatever people do, when they want to lose weight.

Now leave your gf alone. oh and by the way,m you dont love her, if you did love her you would accept her for what she is

Oryx

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

well you all listen to yourselves.

Shock Horror - may be your gf is happy with her size. if she wanted to lose weight, she would go to a gym or WW or whatever people do, when they want to lose weight.

Now leave your gf alone. oh and by the way,m you dont love her, if you did love her you would accept her for what she is

Calm down. I dont see anyone here being fat-ist. They are responding to a query.

And it is perfectly valid to have a problem with someone because of their appearance or behaviour, AND STILL LOVE THEM. People hate a partners smoking/drinking/snoring, and want to change it, but they still love em.

You can ignore faults, and accept them as part of someone, but on balance, sometimes it becomes too much. Thats not unforgiveable, its human. The op here has a problem and I say bravo for being honest about it.

John Mason

Oryx wrote: »

Calm down. I dont see anyone here being fat-ist. They are responding to a query.

And it is perfectly valid to have a problem with someone because of their appearance or behaviour, AND STILL LOVE THEM. People hate a partners smoking/drinking/snoring, and want to change it, but they still love em.

You can ignore faults, and accept them as part of someone, but on balance, sometimes it becomes too much. Thats not unforgiveable, its human. The op here has a problem and I say bravo for being honest about it.

if she wanted to lose weight, she would make and effort to lose the weight. she hasnt, which would lead me to believe she is happy.

shellyboo

Unregistered1 wrote: »

Jesus she talks of little else. She is bore on the subject. She just does nothing about it.

She lets herself 'be bold' on the weekend. Like her body knows it is the weekend!

Even the language 'bold' it is infantile.

We're in a gym she won't go.

To be honest, most women spout this shiite instinctively. We're socially conditioned to hate our bodies, to think we should be on a diet, losing weight all the time, whether we're a size 8 or 18. It means very little, it's a social, face-saving exercise and really doesn't reflect what she actually wants.

She's obviously aware that she's a little overweight and is compensating by talking the diet talk - I used to do the same thing myself until I copped on to myself and stopped making excuses to the world about how I look.

Talk is just that, talk. She's most likely only talking about it because she wants you to think she's making an effort.

cowzerp

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

if she wanted to lose weight, she would make and effort to lose the weight. she hasnt, which would lead me to believe she is happy.

Utter craaaap, most fat people hate been fat and stay that way anyway, thats like saying someone likes been ugly because they did not get a face lift

LegacyUser

If she doesn't lose weight I'll leave her. I can't lead a sexless life.

The contributions of those people defending her right to be fat aren't helpful. Go away please.

shellyboo

cowzerp wrote: »

Utter craaaap, most fat people hate been fat and stay that way anyway, thats like saying someone likes been ugly because they did not get a face lift

Cowzerp, are you fat? I take it since you've figured out the "simple science" of being thin that you're not - so what you're saying about what most fat people feel and think is pure speculation. It's perfectly possible to be overweight and happy with your body. A large proportion of fat people aren't happy, true - but for a lot of them this is because of other people's opinions and nothing to do with how they feel in themselves. Those who are truly unhappy with their own body for their own reasons will, at some stage, lose weight. It's all about motive.

HugoDuncan

Lots of sex is a great way for you and your partner to lose weight. Twice a day for long sessions... she'll enjoy it more than the gym! :pac: Serious btw.

pink fluffy bunny

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

well you all listen to yourselves.

Shock Horror - may be your gf is happy with her size. if she wanted to lose weight, she would go to a gym or WW or whatever people do, when they want to lose weight.

Now leave your gf alone. oh and by the way,m you dont love her, if you did love her you would accept her for what she is

What a load of balonie!!!!

He does love her otherwise why would he bother? Apart from the fact that he may not find her attractive, this is detrimental for her health.

cowzerp

shellyboo wrote: »

Cowzerp, are you fat? I take it since you've figured out the "simple science" of being thin that you're not - so what you're saying about what most fat people feel and think is pure speculation. It's perfectly possible to be overweight and happy with your body. A large proportion of fat people aren't happy, true - but for a lot of them this is because of other people's opinions and nothing to do with how they feel in themselves. Those who are truly unhappy with their own body for their own reasons will, at some stage, lose weight. It's all about motive.

Im a personal trainer and nutritionist, i was fat before aswell so understand totally, and i hated it, and its much worse for girls, people thought i was stocky-to men this is good, to women its not..

what i said is right in 99% of circumstances..

LegacyUser

I suppose that she doesn't care if she smokes or not either? I know her you don't. Shellyboo you may be 'happy with your weight' my girlfriend isn't.

It is affecting her mood she has told me it makes her unhappy.

Shellyboo and Pinkfluffybunny this is not about you. If you cannot help please go away.

Pub07

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

well you all listen to yourselves.

Shock Horror - may be your gf is happy with her size. if she wanted to lose weight, she would go to a gym or WW or whatever people do, when they want to lose weight.

Now leave your gf alone. oh and by the way,m you dont love her, if you did love her you would accept her for what she is

Maybe he can't 'accept her for what she is', he can't help it if he is no longer attracted to her. I broke up with a girl I was seeing for 2 and half years because she was after putting on alot of weight, had no interest in doing anything about it even after I mentioned it and was by all accounts going to put on alot more. I mean if she was after getting that big by 25, imagine what she'd be like in another 5 years, what about 10?? I was f*cked if I was gonna put up with that, I had lost almost all sexual attraction for her by the end of the relationship so what is the point in staying in a relationship with someone you don't even like the look of?

I was proved right in my decision btw, as she had piled on even more pounds the next time I saw her a few months later. When you throw in the nagging I had to endure into the deal there was always ever gonna be one outcome - good luck and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Nevyn

Unregistered1 wrote: »

If she doesn't lose weight I'll leave her. I can't lead a sexless life.

Tell her this.

Katgurl

how long are you with her OP? I'm a bit confused by your post - was she fat & then she got fatter? I must admit I wouldn't like it myself if a boyfriend changed dramatically.

shellyboo

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I suppose that she doesn't care if she smokes or not either? I know her you don't. Shellyboo you may be 'happy with your weight' my girlfriend isn't.

It is affecting her mood she has told me it makes her unhappy.

Shellyboo and Pinkfluffybunny this is not about you. If you cannot help please go away.

As someone who has been overweight, I am trying to help you by telling you the truth - she won't do it unless she wants to. There is nothing you can do to persuade her of that. I'm not saying she's happy with her weight, if you say she's not then she's not. But there's a difference between being unhappy and doing something about it, and that difference is in her head.

If it's putting you off sex, talk to her about it, tell her that. It might be the thing she needs to spur her into losing weight, or it might devastate her. But you have to take the chance.

LegacyUser

I don't want ot sit her down and give her some home truths! I don't want to hurt her feelings. I can't communicate my anger to her or I won't anyway.

We are together for 4 years and we are supposed to be getting married in July.

She gained weight recently. She was fat before I met her.

MIN2511

Hmm... my 2c

Weight is a delicate issue for a lot of people(both men and women) the best way to approach this is helping her.
Example:
1. Dinner in small proportion, stay away from high calorie meals etc
2. Motivate her to go to the gym(massages, sex etc)
3. Long walks
4. If she's into any sport, make enquiries(maybe pay for a month's membership)

Better still show her this thread

Curlypinkie

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

if she wanted to lose weight, she would make and effort to lose the weight. she hasnt, which would lead me to believe she is happy.

If I got a Eur for every time a girlfriend of mine whingeing she's fat and she wants to loose weght at the same time not doing anything about it, I'd be quite a rich girl ATM....

BroomBurner

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I suppose that she doesn't care if she smokes or not either? I know her you don't. Shellyboo you may be 'happy with your weight' my girlfriend isn't.

It is affecting her mood she has told me it makes her unhappy.

Are you near a beach or somewhere nice to go for walks? The best way to get someone started on feeling healthy (and happy) in themselves is to take it slowly. Asking her to go to the gym where she probably thinks is full of really fit people that will all be looking at her and thinking what a fat cow she is (a woman's brain is capable of thinking such mental things) might not be the best way.
Try getting her to join you for a walk, or if you're near a field or beach, play a bit of football or something. It will give you both time to be together and will slowly get her back in to remembering how great it is to feel healthy.

gaz wac

Leave a trail of big mac's to the gym

but seriously, she might feel intimidated going to the gym if she knows she's after putting on weight! Dont forget, its not all about excerise, its 80% food.... well for me anyway it is, so how about you both try eating healthy for b'fast, lunch, dinner ect, (think about this at your weekly shopping, if the mars bars are not there, she cant eat them), and next time your going to the gym ask her does she want to go for a jog around the area with you instead? let her know your there to help.

If she dosent agree, your going to have to say something.

shellyboo

Unregistered1 wrote: »

I don't want ot sit her down and give her some home truths! I don't want to hurt her feelings. I can't communicate my anger to her or I won't anyway.

We are together for 4 years and we are supposed to be getting married in July.

She gained weight recently. She was fat before I met her.

What's going to hurt her more? Having you tell her you're unhappy or her facing sexual rejection from you for the rest of her life? Or you leaving her? It's not a great choice, I know... but it's the lesser of two evils.

And if she doesn't make an effort to get herself sorted, then leave her. Up and go. Otherwise, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

I am not going to leave her. I don't want to hurt her. I just want her to lose weight.

Nevyn

YOU CAN'T MAKE HER.

You can talk to her about it but she has to want to.
Why don't you have the balls/gumption to talk to her about what is upsetting you and in your words ruing your relationship and potential marriage ?

TripleAce

Unregistered1 wrote: »

If she doesn't lose weight I'll leave her. I can't lead a sexless life.

The contributions of those people defending her right to be fat aren't helpful. Go away please.

I agree with OP on this - ffs all he is asking for is for her to eat properly and move her **** and do some sport and keep fit.

LillyVanilli

She might be embarrased to go to the gym. Would you get a Wii Fit? Easy enough excercise to get her started in the comfort of your own home. And who cooks her dinner? maybe get her to change her diet too. Do you live together?

Curlypinkie

I just have to say if my OH changed (by their own will or lack of, I'm not talking ending up in a wheel chair beacuse of an accident or something like that) into something I would not approve of or found off-putting, I would give them an ultimatum:
Change back to the person I met and got to know, fell in love with or I'll leave.
End of.
This is something she can do something about and from what I understand she wasn't as fat when you met her. So basically the girl got lazy after meeting you and just because you are lenient she will not get off her ar*e to do anything about it.
I can almost vouch for she wouldn't let herself go as much if she was single.

Ruby2Shoes

Ruby2Shoes wrote: »

She might be embarrased to go to the gym. Would you get a Wii Fit? Easy enough excercise to get her started in the comfort of your own home. And who cooks her dinner? maybe get her to change her diet too. Do you live together?

For Gods sake, this is not the answer. What happens if she loves Mario Kart a bit too much then you have another distraction to stop her doing exercise!

You need to simply encourage her and let her know how you are feeling OP, and if she doesn't sort it out, you have no choice as a human being but to leave.

LillyVanilli

Deleted User wrote: »

For Gods sake, this is not the answer. What happens if she loves Mario Kart a bit too much then you have another distraction to stop her doing exercise!

You need to simply encourage her and let her know how you are feeling OP, and if she doesn't sort it out, you have no choice as a human being but to leave.

Ha thats true. Just trying to think of her feelings. Its not going to be nice for her to hear thats her fiancee isnt attracted to her anymore because shes fat.

McGinty

I don't want ot sit her down and give her some home truths! I don't want to hurt her feelings. I can't communicate my anger to her or I won't anyway.We are together for 4 years and we are supposed to be getting married in July. She gained weight recently. She was fat before I met her.

If you intend on marrying your girlfriend without telling her how angry you feel about her weight gain, the fact that she is sexually off putting, then your marriage to be is doomed. You have no choice but to tell her or live a lie for some time and go through a painful divorce.

She may moan about her weight but the fact that you are planning to marry in less than a year's time and she has made no effort to lose weight for that then it is unlikely that she will ever, besides, even if she does lose the weight it is probable that she will gain it through pregnancy, having children etc.

People put on weight through eating too much but they eat too much mostly for emotional reasons and until the emotional reasons are addressed her weight will continue to either yoyo or increase. The fact that her body size has such a problem for you is a difficulty because she could lose the weight for you for now, but what if she gains it?

Ruby2Shoes

Ruby2Shoes wrote: »

Ha thats true. Just trying to think of her feelings. Its not going to be nice for her to hear thats her fiancee isnt attracted to her anymore because shes fat.

Yeah but it's probably marginally better than catching him with the size 8 neighbour!!!

SpookyDoll

It doesn't sound like she wants to lose weight. Not much you can do if she has no inner motivation. Losing weight is hard work, you have to be focused to do it.

A certain amount of sensitivity is fine but I wouldn't bend over backwards either, she knows well she is gaining and to be honest doing nothing about it is kind of tantamount to saying "well feck you, i know Im a turn off to you but I dont care" and if thats the case well......see ya laters.

She will have no-one else to blame but herself. We can all put weight on yes and of course within reason we have a bit of patience with our partners doing the same but if someone is throwing up double dress sizes and showing no signs of stopping ....well .....what do they expect except their P45.

LegacyUser

Does she drink much - lots of calories in booze.

If she's not burning it off then she's just going to get bigger.

What would it take for her to start losing a few pounds? An hour walking/cycling in the gym every day and a better diet. What's she doing otherwise? No time? Does she have time to watch tv?

It's as simple as that.

You replace crap food for healthy food (porridge instead of crunchy nuts.... water instead of fizzy drinks....... cooking from scratch instead of processed food).

But, she has to be motivated to do it herself.

I have been in that situation myself and it's not easy, especially if you like to keep fit yourself.


AS for "if she's happy with the way she is......." well, in the short term then fine but she'll just get bigger, will have health issues later on in life (possible diabetes, cardiac issues from carrying weight etc) as well as possibly having diffiicutly conceiving and having fat kids!

If she was fat before you got together though OP, then it looks like she just is that way. That's why I never date heavy girls/girls not into sports/fitness or smokers. Cos ultimately you can't change someone......

they have to be motivated to do it for themselves.

LegacyUser

Curlypinkie wrote: »

I would give them an ultimatum:
Change back to the person I met and got to know, fell in love with or I'll leave.
End of.

That's a really flexible atitude you got there You will be really lucky to find someone who stays exactly the same from the day you meet them. There should always be room for mental and physical change in a relationship or no one moves or changes and it all stays a bit samey don't you think? I agree with the general concensus that most people are putting forward to you OP, tell the girl how you feel. You don't have to be an abject b*stard for doing it either, how you feel is important just as much as how she feels but you have to be brave and grown up and honest and tell her, at least she can make a decision then. It sounds like you're already not having sex anyway so if that's the case hasn't the reason why not come up at all lately? I'd definitley know by now that there was something amiss in my relationship if the sex was out. Tell her and see what she says and stop listening to what everyone else would do or how you're being judged for having feelings....that doesn't matter. Good luck to ya.

shellyboo

SpookyDoll wrote: »

to be honest doing nothing about it is kind of tantamount to saying "well feck you, i know Im a turn off to you but I dont care" and if thats the case well......see ya laters.

She doesn't know she's turning him off because he won't tell her this for fear of hurting her feelings. She can't do anything about it until she knows how much it's affecting him... if then she still decides not to do something, then that's her choice and the OP will have to decide whether to stay or go.

Jimmy Bottlehead

If you can't be open with her after FOUR years, why the hell are you being stupid enough to get married?
This sounds like something I'd do in the past with one of my exes.... and the reason I did that was because I was emotionally immature. Your sex life is a huge part of a relationship - and a crap sex life, especially BEFORE you get married, is a recipe for disaster.

Simply put, she's being a lazy and slightly selfish girl. She expects to be sexually desired and slim by default, yet moans, does nothing, and still expects you to find her and her love handles sexually appealing.

Tell her, nicely of course, that you think she's let herself go a wee bit too much, and you'd prefer her the way she was. That its effecting things for you in a negative way.

If she doesn't care, or shows a lack of interest, or agrees and does nothing, then move onto someone better who will care enough about you to make the effort.

Takes balls, man - now prove you have some.

marti101

You have to sit her down now before the wedding,why are you getting married if you dont fancy her.You caant get married and be tied down if you dont love her or fancy her.Maybe you would be doing her a favour she can meet somebody who loves her for her.