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Reccuring disturbing nightmares... And something much deeper... help?!

  • 05-11-2008 2:25pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This is starting to really stress me out now. Quite often i have nightmares, well, not exactly nighmares about me and my mom. Well basically its usually something where things are going horrible wrong between me and my mom. Like just last night it was something like my mom was trying to force me to do something but i was awfully pissed off at her and absolutely rebelling against what she wanted me to do. I was abusive towards her, she was abusive towards me. She hit me many times, i think i hit her back a couple of times (god, i feel so awful thinking about it all!!!). It was just very very chaotic and distressing.

    I think from what i remember, it was all something about me wanting some respect and freedom from her but she treating me like a 6yr old and me getting really really pissed off and worked up about it.
    Now i've had dreams like this before and the chaos between me and my mom in those dreams seem to have become quite recurring. They usually end up with both of us getting really pissed off and abusive towards each other and she hits me many times and i end up hitting her towards the end a few times. I have no clue what i'm doing in those dreams and I feel absolutely awful and terrible when i wake up from those nightmares!
    Really great way to start your day with!...





    Now i think this would be a bit incomplete without some background so i'll give some details.
    Me and my mom don't live together anymore. She comes to visit me often (along with my grandmom) or i go over to visit her for a couple of days/weeks. It always usually gets sour and bitter between us as she is very controlling and i'ld say i'm quite rebellious.
    So me and my mom don't have a very good relationship between us. I was mostly bought up by my grandmother who i'm closer to. I think my mom has been suffering from depression ever since her failed marriage with my dad (they split about a year after i was born) and she always loved to take it all out on me (she still does sometimes). You could say i was very physically and mentally abused by my mom as a child but it never got "bad" cuz there was always my grandmom to save me from my mom's wrath! (huh!). Me and my mom always had a very distressed, love-hate relationship. We both love each other (i know that!), but we just can't say it or express it towards one another. Its almost impossible for either of us to do that.

    Back to the future. My mom now lives with my grandmom. She looks after my grandmom (while i'm away working on building a future for myself) but my grandmom says its her who looks after my mom. I'm very concerned about my mom. Its something that always severely distresses me and splits me apart. I don't know who'ld look after my mom after my grandmom dies. I'ld love to look after but i'm split between pursuing my future and looking after my mom who i absolutely don't get along with. I am a very independent person and my mom always feels like a huge cruise control to my life, one set at a very low speed. My mom says she doesn't want any of my money or anything after i graduate and start earning and neither would she wanna live with me. I actually don't think I could live with her either. I just don't know what to do about it. This is one (and probably the only) opposing part of my life that keeps splitting me apart absolutely.

    I always feel awfully guilty thinking about my mom. I feel i could have been nicer to her and could have been more understanding rather than keep getting pissed off with her all the time (but like i was only a stupid teenager all along!!). It really gets me down thinking of how i've behaved and treated her all along. She has done a lot to shape me into what i've become too in both positive and very negative ways. I've adapted well to who and what i am. But I really wouldn't have been what i am if it wasn't for my mom being constantly abusive to me all throughout my childhood. She's like the anti-mom and has never been supportive with anything that i've done. I'm the result of her failure and she treats me like it. It has made me into this independent person who doesn't care for anyone's help or support at anything I do (for the positive) but also end up feeling like a big failure myself. Quite constantly. As for the negative.

    This is the biggest conflict of my life and I absolutely have no clue what to do about it. I can't just forget my mom and move on with my life as she's my MOM!
    Neither can i just get along with my mom with more than 20yrs of internal conflict between us. We're two very different persons and I can't see how we can carry on with our lives together.
    This is my life at its deepest inner core and yeah its ****!!


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