His moods...

missbusy

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and i'm madly in love with him, and never doubted that he is with me .

However, we keep having these silly rows over nothing .... they end up with him being really really cruel and telling me how i don't "give a ****" about him and how insensitive i am and how selfish i am.

Its like he just goes mad! These rows are over tiny little , blown out of all proportion things! I don't understand how he gets so worked up over them, i really don't. and he just gets really nasty (veribally) and personl and attacking.
And he seems to love dragging it on for days where we don't talk, or if i contact him, he just sees it as a chance to bring up (whatever it was) all over again... and start attacking again.


What should i do? I really really love him, but why would he get so nasty with me if he loved me too?!

I don't understand it .... should i just finish with him and try forget it? is this the way its gonna be.. .coz i'm a fairly quiet girl and never lose the head back at him. I find this really difficult.

Puddleduck

Hi missbusy,

You could try sitting him down and suggesting an anger management course. If its going to work between you to something will have to be done about this. Yes he could just lash out in the heat of the moment but at the same time he needs to have some control over himself in an arguement. You dont know how far hell go if he feels pushed. Thats not good in any realationship, you should be able to trust your other half. Im sure some of the hurtful things he has said to you are still in your head and you still think over them.

The other option is that yes, you do call it quits. Some people just arent compatible together and its not fair on you if he continally verbally abuses you. It eats away at your confidence and self worth and just isnt a good road to go down.

I would try talking to him about maybe doing an anger management course, if he point blank refuses then I suggest you walk.

Good luck.

missbusy

Puddleduck,

I'm so heartbroken & hurt over this.

He keeps telling me how hurt he is but i have no idea what for! Several times i've ended up in tears in front of him and i'm not one of those girls who just crys over things!

I don't want to lose him... but you are right.. my confidence is disappearing.
The killiing thing is , he's the most wonderfully kind and considerate, romantic man in the world most of the time.

John Mason

How could you "love" someone who treats you like a squeeshed banana and then doesnt talk to you for days?

you are only with him 9 months and this is the honeymoon period. can you imagine what he will be like in 5 years?

why would you put yourself through this crap? this is his problem not yours and life is far too short, to allow some bloke treat you like dirt

Puddleduck

missbusy wrote: »

Puddleduck,

I'm so heartbroken & hurt over this.

He keeps telling me how hurt he is but i have no idea what for! Several times i've ended up in tears in front of him and i'm not one of those girls who just crys over things!

I don't want to lose him... but you are right.. my confidence is disappearing.
The killiing thing is , he's the most wonderfully kind and considerate, romantic man in the world most of the time.

What are you loosing really? An abusive guy, that after the first nine months is already treating you like dirt? Hes pushing his problems onto you. You are not a crutch or an emotional punchbag. Most of the time hes lovely, fair enough, but in those five minutes of arguing Im sure he can take away all the lovely things hes said to you before. If he really loves you hell sort himself out. I honestly think you should walk away from it. With time youll see that you dodged a bullet.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this kind of situation.

You say he's the most kind and considerate person, etc. etc. To be honest, if he was, he wouldn't verbally attack you during arguments and tiffs. That's not love.

I'm sure he does love you, but you need to think about what you need from this relationship. And I also think you should tell him (calmly) that the way he treats you is pushing you away from him. He needs to know that as it's probably not something he's thought about.

The suggestion of anger management is a great one, and a good way of seeing if he is committed to the relationship. If he loves you as much as you say he does, then he will do something to solve his issues.

Whatever you do, don't move forward in the relationship (i.e. moving in together, getting engaged, buying a house!) unless he can commit to making change and you actually can see the changes he's making.

I made the mistake of staying with someone for 8 years who sounds like your bf does. It started with shouting and rowing and eventually escalated to physical abuse. I'm not by any means saying your bf would ever lay a hand on you, but sometimes when a person is really angry, it doesn't take much to push them over the edge.

Be safe.
xx

Karen_*

Well I don't know if you should finish with him but last week you were asking us was it too soon to try for a baby since everything was so wonderful in your relationship. I guess the answer to that one is to put the baby off for a long time.

missbusy

Yes, thats been answered.

SpookyDoll

Miss Busy, sounds like he enjoys these little "dramas"...and the reaction they get out of you.

Next time he starts his dramatics why dont you call his bluff and ignore him and if he still keeps pushing tell him to stop playing the Martyr and get down off his cross.

Its a bad personality trait in someone to blow trivia out of proportion and an even worse one to hold sulks and grudges for days over mysterious and wildly exaggerated wrongs that have supposedly be done to him.

If he is playing the dying swan over irrelevant trivia, call him on it and show him you wont be emotionally manipulated.

Karen_*

I'm sorry it doesn't seem to be working out for you. Last week it seemed like you were the happiest girl alive with the man of your dreams. Planning a future and hoping to be pregnant. This week its totally the opposite. It looks like its doomed to fail.

I think when someone is actually cruel to you then there's little hope of things working out. And just from observing your two of threads it seems like you're very up or very down and he's the centre of your universe. Well don't depend on anyone for your happiness nor bend over backwards thinking of ways to please them and keep them when they are mean to you. This relationship is toxic and I think you have your issues too (I don't mean that in a negative way). Learn to be happy yourself and you're more likely to have success when choosing a partner.

Wibbs

Karen_* wrote: »

I'm sorry it doesn't seem to be working out for you. Last week it seemed like you were the happiest girl alive with the man of your dreams. Planning a future and hoping to be pregnant. This week its totally the opposite. It looks like its doomed to fail.

Bloody good advice from Karen_* and others here.

You are thinking with your heart and not your head. The baby thing and now this is clear evidence of that. You're probably figuring a baby would smooth him out and help the relationship(and make you feel more loved too). It won't. It'll put it under an even harsher spotlight. Guaranteed.

Contrary to popular belief, blind "love" does not conquer all. Indeed "love is blind" is one of the stupidist phrases ever committed to paper. True mutually healthy love has both it's eyes wide open.

A drama queen of either gender is a very very bad bet for a long term healthy relationship. Sexist or not and shoot me down in flames, but IMHO it's a much worse trait in a grown man. Half the time, men will say a woman is a drama queen, but it's usually just born of frustration in her. Emotional incontinence in a man is one of the biggest red flags I would advise women to avoid.

You're in the honeymoon period at 9 months and at that it's frankly crap. It's not close to alright if you've been reduced to tears and he's dragging up old issues and causing new ones. You need to step back and pronto and start looking at this with your head. It won't be easy, but you're going to have to do it. Like Karen_* I think you have to look at what you feel is a healthy way to be treated as to me it sounds like your view is a little off. You wouldn't be alone in that either.

As for him loving you. He may say he does, he may act at times like he does, but if you are experiencing emotional swings like this from him, then I would suspect he doesn't love himself enough to be able to love you enough. I would say similar of you.

Please think a lot about where you go from here. Both of you. Please lay off the idea of bringing a child into this. I wish you the best of luck I really do.